Teen wishes for death, but is shown who she really is
Created: Thursday, 24 October 2019 23:03
My life truly started with a Divine Encounter that shifted my world view when I was 16 years old. At this point in my life I was fighting for my life as my body was being attacked by an “incurable” autoimmune disease called Lupus. Within four months of the diagnosis, my kidneys were failing, heart problems, hair loss, arthritis throughout my entire body, internal swelling of my organs, unsightly skin lesions and loads of medication made me lose grasp of who I even was. I had withered away to skin and bones and when I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn't even recognize the person staring back at me.
Then I had a dream that would change my life forever. I remember this night as vividly today as I did then.
On this particular night, I decided to give up on life. I did not want to live anymore. All I wanted was for someone to put me out of my misery. I felt hopeless. I felt angry. I was tired of the endless trips to the doctor, plates of toxic medication, the painful shots in my rear for anemia, the nausea from the chemo and the depressing sight of my hair falling out in clumps and looping sense of hopelessness. I was so weak that I couldn’t even walk and my entire body was swollen with fluid due to failing kidneys - a trip to the hospital was imminent to begin kidney dialysis.
I felt like I was trapped in a deteriorating body that wasn’t mine. And the future I had planned with my full ride soccer scholarship was now just a faded memory.
On this particular night, I did something I hadn’t done in years. I got down on my knees and surrendered everything I had left to this unknown God force that I was supposed to be available to me at all times. This was my breaking point. I began uncontrollably sobbing, releasing what seemed like emotions that had been held back my whole life, then I asked out loud…
“If there is anyone listening, if there is a God, please help me or take me. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I can’t do this alone, I need help. If you are there please help me. I give up.”
I cried until I was dry and then went to bed.
That night I had a dream that would change my life forever. In this dream I went through many phases of healing, including forgiveness, love, gratitude and surrender, before eventually spinning off the ground and levitating slowly into the sky. There was a crowd of friends, family, and people I barely even knew all trying desperately to pull me back to the ground. As I floated up, I had a sense of peace wash throughout my entire body. I knew that I was dying but I was okay with it, I felt like I was returning home and that a huge weight had been lifted.
I asked for everyone to let me go. I wasn’t afraid of dying anymore. I then shot up into the most pure, white, loving, light that held me in a cocoon of radiant love and bliss that I will never be able to explain with words. In that moment, I knew who I/we are beyond this physical experience. I felt the eternalness of my nature. The perfection of source. The perfection of all life. Every experience that had led me to that point flashed through my inner sight like a movie that beautifully illustrated how every experience had perfectly led me to this moment.
I experienced the perfection of my sickness, of my physical experience, the perfection of everything in my life that had led me to that moment, I felt a deep connection with ALL, with consciousness itself and this feeling of oneness was so Divinely beautiful that I couldn't feel anything but the truth of my divine essence. I had been gifted with a remembrance of my true nature, and this was the gift i had needed to heal. My soul then asked to return to Earth, without words - there was a deep yearning to share this love I had experienced with the world.
In an instant I dropped from this glowing, loving place back into my bed. I hit the bed like I had fallen out of another dimension and woke up gasping for air like I was taking the first breath of my new life. I was crying tears of bliss, and was so overwhelmingly happy that I couldn't contain myself. I knew I was healed. I knew I wasn't sick any more, I knew I never was sick. It had all been an illusion.
I jumped up and ran up a flight of stairs that a couple hours prior, I couldn't have imagined doing, to go wake up my parents and tell them the good news. I turned on the lights and announced I was healed and they had nothing to worry about. They thought I was crazy but that didn't matter to me. Nothing could take away this internal knowingness of my true nature and this knowingness has stayed rooted deep with me my whole life.
For the next 4 months I awoke with the sun, no alarm, with a deep desire to sit in silence with myself to enjoy the love that was outpouring from my heart. I was so joyous that I almost couldn't contain it. Something inside me had shifted and it felt amazing. All feelings of lack, doubt, pity, limitation, weakness and struggle were wiped clean. I felt the interconnectedness of everything around me. I knew I was a part of everything I saw and could feel the energetic connection that tied everything together. Every day was full of tears of bliss.
Although my complete recovery from the disease took a little over 4 months, the healing had occurred instantaneously in my mind. And from that moment on I started hiding all my medication, because I knew it was preventing my body from healing itself. For 4 months I kept this a secret from my parents and doctors until I went in for my final lab work that revealed my kidneys were healed and functioning perfectly without any scarring. There was no sign of the lupus. I have now been symptom free and medication free for 15 years.
I thought this beam of light coming from my heart was never going to go away. For months, I effortlessly flowed through life and witnessed profound healing.
It was when I returned to high school that this light within me began to fade. I had no words to explain what I had experienced, and I felt nobody understood. I now see that I had to lower my vibration to fit in. I slowly began to shut down and revert inward. Within a month of being back at school the en”light”ened feeling that I had was greatly dimmed. My mind used this time of weakness to convince me that this experience was nothing extraordinary after all.
In college and the years following, I used drinking to numb this feeling of separation. What I thought was bringing me happiness externally was actually creating a bigger gap internally. The drinking and socializing became a filler. On the outside looking in, my life seemed great. I had a high paying job at a company I loved, penthouse apartment, nice car and beautiful friends and experiences. This lens of reality was beautiful while it lasted but deep down, I felt that something was missing.
On November 7th, 2016 I had a heart attack. This experience triggered another moment of clarity that changed the trajectory of my life yet again. Everything that I experienced in my dream flashed back into my vision and I knew instantly that I had to make a big change and follow the calling in my heart. I felt there was something much bigger I was here to offer the world and it was time to figure out what that was.
I decided to make a shift and move across the world to a small island in Thailand known for its holistic health community that I felt called to explore. I was guided to return back to this place of oneness that I had experienced in my dream. It would be from this place of love and light within that I would be able to heal my heart and begin to share this radiant nature with others to assist in their own self-healing and remembrance.
Returning to Flow and Alignment
I have now been living on Koh Phangan for the past year, on a multi-dimensional self-healing journey. At first, I set out to heal my physical heart from the heart attack but the journey has resulted in much deeper healing. I peeled back the layers, belief systems and social constructs that previously shaped my reality and now focus on tuning into the co-creative, loving, infinite energy source that lies within to support me in creating and living an inspired life.
It is my soul’s mission to help humanity rise above all perceived limitations and tap into the infinite wellspring of energy that lies within, to live an inspired, happy, healthy and harmonious life.
If you are reading this, your soul has guided you here. Your intuition is whispering to you, and now it is time to listen. Nothing is impossible. There is something profound ready to flow out of you. I am here to help inspire you, give you goosebumps and shine a light on the limitless possibilities that surround you and are within you.
Through my own personal healing and self-discovery journey, I discovered the breath to be a potent medicine, that is a transformational tool for gently cleansing and realigning our mind, body and spirit. The breath is with us every minute of our lives as a silent witness to our existence, but it is also an intuitive guide that can take you on an inner journey of self-discovery, transformation and profound healing.
Since my very first powerful introduction to breathwork I have been repeatedly astounded by the transformative mental, emotional, physical and spiritual healing that continues to transpire.
The best part of breathwork is that it is SIMPLE. You can stop looking outside of yourself for the answers. Everything you seek is waiting to be tuned in within and the breath is a simple tool that can activate this inner remembrance of our divine nature.
What I Do Now
After selling everything I owned and making the leap into the unknown, I have been on a journey of coming back to myself to witness and cherish the eternal “I AM” within, beyond all the constructs I had previously built up that defined me. I am continually amazed as I learn more about the profound nature of our mind, body and spirit. I want to share all that I have learned with the world. In the past year this is what has transpired:
- I co-founded Bhavana Bottle - an eco-friendly, tea infuser bottle that is part of a global initiative to save our oceans from plastic waste. The bottles are being sold globally. We donate a portion from every sale to help clean and restore our oceans from the damage caused by single-use plastic.
- I am passionate about teaching meditation and breathwork sessions at consciousness festivals, retreat centers, online and privately.
- I love teaching SOMA breathwork at healing centers, workshops, online, at festivals and one-on-one sessions.
At the center of your being, you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. - Lao Tzu