I was admitted to hospital for an elective surgery procedure, to have my wisdom teeth removed. The surgery was to be performed under a general anesthetic. I was not aware of any adverse incidents until I awoke in recovery. As soon as I opened my eyes, I knew something was wrong. I couldn't breathe properly and felt extremely distressed. There was medical staff running around and they were trying to secure an oxygen mask over my face and there were monitors everywhere.

Apparently just after the anesthetic was administered, I spasmed and regurgitated gastric juices. This caused me to choke and stop breathing. My heart then went into ventricular defibrillation. They had to clear the airway, intubate and defibrillate to bring me back from the brink.

I didn't really feel anything different until about two weeks after my experience.

How has this changed me. I have started to exercise and go the gym. I have lost so much weight from the exercise its great. I have become more narcissitic. I have developed a taste for dangerous pursuits, eg, speeding on the highway, whereas I was always a conservative driver. I have started to seek physical validation from the fairer sex more often. My sex drive is so strong now it’s embarrassing. My fear factor of things known and unknown has decreased. Death does not scare me anymore.

I have started to express my thoughts and emotions more freely and vocally; this has caused angst amongst my family and friends and work colleagues. I have stopped anti-depressant medication I was on for ten years, I am sick of being sedated. My thinking is clearer and my intuition has become stronger. My career goals have become clearer, and I have become more brutal in the work place instead of just accepting things the way they are. I am no longer afraid to speak my mind, and I now welcome stressful situations. I look forward to confrontation, whereas before I was always one to avoid stress and confrontation. I have become harder of heart and will not allow myself to get close to people again. I will not allow myself to be used or hurt by anyone again.

I am starting to like myself, for the first time in my life. This has been a mixed experience and I am so grateful for it. It has opened my eyes and changed me forever.

After the event, I passed out on the river bank and saw people looking down at me with no one doing anything. An ambulance had been called and I watched it take the long way to get to me. Watched as they transferred me another ambulance. Woke up later in the hospital and the nurse said, "Oh you’re awake. “Let me hook you up and I'll go get the doctor.”

While she was inserting butterfly in my wrist, I noticed the time was 11:18. She put the oxygen tube on me and during the course of the conversation; she told me that it was Tuesday - not Sunday. I then realized that I still had on my wet/muddy pants and socks on that I had worn in the canoe race, and asked her why I still had these on. She said, "We were going to let the morgue take them off.”

I don't know where I was at the time, but where I went was very different. I couldn't see myself nor were there any colors or direction -- no up, down, front, back. The only thing I observed was a lite [light?] where I knew every thing else was, and that I was no-where for eternity. I saw nothing else but knew it was there someplace.

My interpretation is that being alone for eternity was my "hell," if it does exist.

I went into the hospital because I could not keep any food down for over a month. When I was admitted in critical condition, I was given Compazine to calm my stomach down. Five seconds later, I was given another dose. I knew something was very wrong because my chest felt as if I had bricks on it and the pain was intense. I buzzed for the nurse and no one came to see what was wrong. I died 3 times that day because of the error. When I died the first time, I went into a white tunnel and god was waiting there for me. I wanted to stay. The second time, I saw my mom's dad that died when she was 12. On the third time, my dead grandmother and my dead aunt, both on my mom's side, told me to go back. God has given you a second try, go back. It is now 2004 and God has given me a 2nd try.

I'm a normal person and sometimes I do not wish to talk about my experiences because I'm afraid that people might think I'm crazy. But I'm very much disturbed because my experiences are recurring. I experience NDE several times. I don’t know if it’s NDE, its like a nightmare. Its in my dreams.

There are two types of NDE that I experience: one is I'm awake and one is I'm sleeping.

EXPERIENCE 1. I was riding in a bus because I’m going to my home province when I suddenly feel terribly nervous. My heart was beating fast and I can hear my heartbeats. I'm very much disturb and I cried. I feel like something is going to happen and I'm gonna die. I look at the people inside the bus and they were all comfortable. I can feel that I'm the only who's gonna die. I've been riding a bus for all my life but that was the first time I felt that. And so while crying I prayed a lot. And as the bus goes near to my province, I've become more worried and afraid of dying. And then finally when the bus entered into my province, something really happened that I cannot forget. Someone from outside the bus throw a rock/stone in the bus and it hits the glass window where I was sitted. Good thing I was able to accidentally save myself by adjusting the back rest of the chair where I was sitted. And that simultaneously happened. I decided to take a rest by resting my back and adjusting the back rest of the chair where I was sitted and as soon as I have rested my back I saw the stone from the broken glass window pass by in front of my face. If I did not rest my back on the back rest and adjust it the stone could have hit my head and the pieces of the broken glass window could have hit my neck, head and face.

Eperience 2. Same thing on the experience 1: I suddenly felt terribly nervous without any reason. I was just inside a canteen and eating the same meal that I eat everyday. It's just an ordinary day when I felt that something is gonna happen again. I don’t know what it is but I’m really nervous. I decided to stand up and finish my meal prematurely. And as soon as I have stand and take three steps the big lamp or light inside that canteen fell exactly where I was sitted. Thanks God I'm able to save my self again accidentaly.

Eperience 3. This happens just now. I'm in my bed and was sleep. I was awakened (not sure if I'm really awakened) by the noise in front of me, I saw a big bird, as big as a rooster, continuesly moving his wings. As he move his wings I can’t breath. I tried to shout but I lost my voice. I don’t know if I'm having a nightmare or its real, because I know that I'm already awake, but the image of the big bird flying in front of me while I was lying in my bed was still there. I'm awake but I could not even opened my eyes. I cannot move my body. Finally I was able to move my fingers and then every part of my body. But I feel like my body doesn’t feel anything. Still catching my breath, I stand up and drink water. It took almost half an hour before my breath has stabilized.

I know its not so extra ordinary to have experience nightmares if its nightmare. All I know is that when I experienced it, I’m going to die because I can’t breath. My problem is that it always happen, I'm experiencing these things at least once or twice every month. And I'm really afraid that when it happens again I will not survive.

The first and second experiences also happens to me very often the only difference are the situations.

It's really disturbing. I know I'm near death.

If you know something that I can do prevent these things from happening again please tell me. The first and second experiences, I consider them gift. Gift of feeling or sensing the danger before it actually arrives. But EXPERIENCE 3 is very disturbing.

These are just few of lots of strange things happening to me and I don’t like it.

Anyway thanks for taking time reading this. I hope to hear from you guys if there is anything I can do to prevent it from happening again or if you know someone who experience the same thing please inform me.

Thanks Again and more power to your org.

I was attacked and stabbed 40-60 times and knew I would die but would also live if they got me to a hospital in time. I flat-lined, but cannot remember anything when I first arrived at the hospital. I then later flat-lined whilst in surgery in the intensive care dept. I think it was, it was then that I felt myself floating towards the ceiling. The horrendous pain I had been in was gone and it’s hard to describe but I felt surrounded/infused with this powerful "LOVE." It must be how a baby must feel whilst growing in its mother’s womb. I don't know how else to describe it. I felt safe. I remember looking down and seeing my body lying there with the doctors/nurses working on me, I could hear them saying she's not responding. One of the doctors told a nurse to stand clear. I remember looking at what they were wearing on their feet, and watching what they were doing and saying. It was then that I suddenly knew I had to go back, that there is a reason for me being alive today something I have yet to do. I then heard the doctor say stand clear we will try one last time - they had been trying to resuscitate me with those electric pad things. It was then that I felt a painfully sharp pain in my chest. It felt like I had been "sucked" back into my body, and I mean literally sucked.

Apparently I was moved to the high dependency unit of intensive care where they say only one in ten go out alive. I was in a coma, but came out of it within 3 days. Although the doctors expected me to be in hospital for months, it was in fact only 3-4 weeks. Even though both my lungs had been stabbed 3-4 times each and had collapsed, both my kidneys had been lacerated several times, also my kidney, bowels and two main arteries had been severed, plus all the other stab wounds and the fact that I had lost so much blood that I should not have survived. To this day, the doctors, specialists, surgeons all say it was a miracle and that I should be dead. I recovered quickly and was walking out of the hospital within four weeks. Although I have been left with scars and no feeling in most parts of my body, left asthmatic and prone to infections, I know now I'm here for a purpose. I even know when things are going to happen, sometimes both good and bad like a women’s intuition but highly intensified. But that’s another thing that I could tell you about for ages. I'm still coming to terms with it as it sometimes creeps both myself and others out. Yet I know this has something to do with my N. D. E.

Thank you for letting me tell someone this. Most people either don't want to hear about it 'cause it freaks them, or they look at me like I'm crazy. But no matter what, no-one will ever change my mind about what I experienced.

As I was being attended in the ER, I was suddenly in a room that appeared to be a well-appointed office paneled in dark, rich wood. On my left-front, there were a series of shelves containing many small figurines that appeared to be made of pewter. It seems that some were of horsemen, knights and the like.

The focus of the experience, however, was on a well dressed professional looking man standing before me and apparently communicating with me. (Although I don't believe that there was any verbal communication, there was perfect understanding.) The person wore a white shirt and neck tie, and appeared as some one who had just removed his suit coat. The entire scene had the impression of informality, but yet being very important. This person seemed to be using a blackboard and white chalk as an aid to his delivery. The most apt way that I have found to convey my overall impression is to liken it to an orientation session for some corporation/ business.

I remember distinctly trying, during the experience, to put it into proper context. I told myself that I was "dreaming" but, as if arguing with myself, saying, "No, this is entirely too real to be a dream.” Also while the experience was unfolding all the details were vividly clear. Then suddenly I seemed to be removed from that "office-instructional" situation and I was floating on my back, feet first through a dark void. At once, the experience was past and the vivid details became very indistinct and remain so today. The overall impressions, however, remain with me and positively so.

There was no fear associated with this void, in fact I was unnaturally calm. Delightfully at peace. (endorphins?)

During the 'void-journey' phase the medical staff must have been resuscitating me, because it all ended abruptly by someone rudely kicking me in the backside. I was suddenly back in the ER and very unhappy about being handled so roughly.

Upon waking I was relieved of the pain and from then on there was a perfect recovery. I have made no assumption regarding religion or paranormal, however, I believe that my NDE was the paramount event in my life. Partially as a result of it, I have an altered belief of life(s) and death - which I now feel is a transition rather than a termination.

Out of body. Looking down on self. Coming out of like a dark cave. Been carried at fast speed, standing up, by someone holding my back, through a dark valley, then I was stopped at the still waters. When I was satisfied of all I had seen there, I was taken further, then stood in front of the door of heaven. My life, what seemed to have been 20 min. long, my life went in like fast forward video mode behind me. The bright orange glow of heaven shone through the edge of the door. The door seemed about 12 ft. high. Then mad that church does not teach us what to do when we die and come to the door. Had extreme happiness engulf my soul. I could move my head to look around. Was given the choice to go through the door, or come back as soon as I had decided I wanted to be back with the children. I had a massive thump back into my body.

I was on my way home from work. It was a very hot day. I had never had low blood sugar before, so this was something new for me and my family. I got off the bus and was walking up the steps to my house I thought I never made it in the house. To this day I thought I was outside because it was bright, warm, and the sun was shining, and I could hear a female voice leaning over me and calling my name and asking me if I was alright. When I would look up I would see a profile of a face, but the face was different colors, bright colors. Today I just asked my sister if I was outside, and she told me I had came inside and my father noticed I wasn't myself and called the ambulance. All this time I thought I was outside because it was real to me.

To continue, when I woke up I was in the intensive care emergency room. A nurse had just walked in and asked me how was I doing and if I wanted some orange juice. I told her fine and yes I would. I remember laying there and closing my eyes. The next thing I remember is sort of floating over this beautiful landscape of green, green grass and the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen in my life. I feeling around me was the most loving feeling and the sun was shining soooo bright, but it was not hot, it was warm, just right and I could see in the distance, a tree, a large tree, and I remember I had to go toward it.

As I was floating towards the tree I could hear a voice say “you can't go now.” I stopped and looked around, but I don't remember seeing anyone, but I felt someone. I remember saying, but not speaking, “I don't want to leave.” I could hear the voice in my head saying “not now, your children need you, look up.” I looked up and I could see my two children and my husband reaching over a mountain trying to grab my hand. I seem like I was at the bottom of this steep cliff. The voice told me to go but don't let the hands touch me. At that moment I began to raise up the side of the cliff. I then notice hands started to reach out of the cliff. Just as I was almost at the top, I could see my family reaching for me, and all of a sudden I felt as though I was pushed up and over, and I woke up.

At the moment I woke up, the nurse was walking back in my room with my juice. At first I didn't realize what had happen, and I couldn't believe what had just happen. But I know it had happened, I believed what happened. I felt it. After this, I wasn't afraid of death. I didn't tell anyone what had happened to me; I was afraid no one would believe me. It wasn't until I heard a little girl on a talk show talking about her near death experience and what she saw. I told myself if this child could see similar details of what I saw, then I was not alone. I then told my father what had happened to me that day. [He] then told me my mother, who had past when I was twelve years old, had seen a green grass and flowers, and he said she had told him about the same feelings, the warmth, the brightness, the love. He said she had told him this before she died.

This is not the only time I have had a near death experience. I had another one in the year 1998. I had another hypoglycemic experience. This time I was with my fiancée at his house. He told me we were sleeping. He turned over and put his arm over me and I was cold. He woke up and said I was not breathing right. He said he got me up and starting walking with me and calling my name. He said all of sudden I stopped breathing, and he kept yelling for me to breath but I wouldn't. He said after a while I just all of a sudden took a deep breath and started to breath. After that he called the ambulance. Doing all of this, I remember laying on the bed, and all of a sudden I was in this very bright place full of warmth and love. I was not alone. I could feel someone on both sides of me, and we were approaching this person with two other persons on each side of person. I felt as though this person was both male and female. As I got closer I could see white. Each person on the sides were of very importance to the person in the middle, and there was love. The person in the middle had on a bright white robe, and I remember seeing gold ropes hanging from the waist of this person, but I could never see a face. As I approached and stood in front of this person I felt incredible love. I did not want to leave, but I could hear this person say “breathe.” Just as this was said to me, I took a deep breath and woke up. After this experience, I have been less stressful about the future. I just live one day at a time. I've become more spiritual and more open, as with my daughters too. After this, anytime I've gotten sick, I know that I am not alone. That some kind of way, someone will know that I am sick. Sometimes my daughter will hear someone or be awaken by someone, or my fiancée will get the urge to call me at the moment I am sick and will be able to call my daughter or the ambulance to help me. Sometimes my oldest daughter, who doesn't live here, calls and says she had a feeling I was sick, or she dreamed about me getting sick. So I know I'm never alone. I know I have angels and my mother watching over me.

I was working as an electrician on a large project in Mass. While working inside a new piece of switchgear, the generator company came to test their equipment. Without notifying anyone, they cut the tag off the circuit breaker and turned on the power. I received 480 volts hand-to-hand and flew backward. The next thing I know is I’m floating above my body, looking at everyone coming to see if I'm okay. The feeling was of endless body and carefree, loving and worry free. Then, I felt something "push" me back down, and I remember a bright light then waking up face down on the floor. They helped me up until the ambulance arrived. My heart rate was messed up and my right shoulder had melted out of the socket. At the hospital, the doctors looked at me and told me I should not be there telling them the story.

I was working as an electrician on a large project in Mass. While working inside a new piece of switchgear, the generator company came to test their equipment. Without notifying anyone, they cut the tag off the circuit breaker and turned on the power. I received 480 volts hand-to-hand and flew backward. The next thing I know is I’m floating above my body, looking at everyone coming to see if I'm okay. The feeling was of endless body and carefree, loving and worry free. Then, I felt something "push" me back down, and I remember a bright light then waking up face down on the floor. They helped me up until the ambulance arrived. My heart rate was messed up and my right shoulder had melted out of the socket. At the hospital, the doctors looked at me and told me I should not be there telling them the story.

I had pneumonia. I died in my sleep on three occasions. I remember being in a dead sleep, and then waking sudden, and inhaling breath like if I hadn't taken a breath in 1-2 minutes. It was the most frightening experience. It felt like a hand had reached in my soul and pulled me out of a dark tunnel. I remember the tunnel was dark. I can elaborate more but I prefer to talk about it instead of writing it.

During my college years, I had a habit of taking a short Sunday afternoon nap. My dorm room was on the second floor of the building; my bed next to an outside wall. A window in the dorm room was just above my bed.

This particular "event" went like this; and to this day I remember the details as if they were yesterday, not thirty plus years ago. While "Jim" was asleep on the bed ("I" could see him there), "I" arose (floated?) up and over him. ”I" (drifted?) through the second story wall and out over the dorm’s driveway that was adjacent to the building. From that midair position, "I" could still view "Jim" through the wall in bed napping. ”I" remember turning myself to view the campus from this unique perspective, as I had never been in midair in this location before. (And never since.)

Everything I saw on the campus was from this midair location, between the second floor dorm wall and the adjacent trees. The spatial relationships were not distorted, exaggerated, or fuzzy; it appeared real as real could be. But the most vivid part of this "out of body" experience was not what "I" visualized. The thing that most impressed my then and still impresses me is what I felt. I mean emotionally felt while I was (floating?). When "I" was leaving "Jim", "I" had this feeling of joy of being liberated from my physical body. I absolutely did not want to go back to that sleeping form in the bed. ”I" was perfectly happy where I was going through walls and drifting outside. There was no unhappiness, unease, etc. I (Jim) awoke immediately in bed; drenched in sweat. (And I mean drenched.)

Can our subconscious/spirit interact with the spiritual or is this in reality our imagination going haywire? Please consider my experiences.

I have personally experienced my spirit leaving my body and being united with the "ultimate supreme spirit" (God?). In 1956, when I was fifteen years old, I had pneumonia and thought I was dying. My father took me to a doctor who gave me a penicillin injection and recommended immediate hospitalization. We had no medical insurance or money, so my father took me home to recuperate. I remember the drive home vividly. Every breath was painful and my chest felt as though a great weight was upon it.

I watched cars and trucks drive by, and wondered how people could make long term plans when life was so unpredictable. Several nights later, it felt as if my spirit left my body and it experienced being in a place with a gathering of souls or spirits. I sensed great peace, tranquility and ecstasy -- a rapture that was beyond a person's imagination. I felt as if I was a part of ALL, a part of God. I was mentally communicating and in sync with everyone, including not only some of my deceased acquaintances and relatives, but many of the prophets of the bible, and historical people I had read about. There was no dominant force, no forceful leader. I somehow knew who everyone was. Every thought interacted with the whole community. I had no questions; it seemed as if everything was revealed and crystal clear. I saw the universe stretched out with spirits engaged in mental interaction like master craftsmen contemplating the creation of a new frontier.

When I told my father who was a preacher of the Lutheran Faith about my experience he dismissed it abruptly and told me that this "supreme spirit, " this God that my spirit had witnessed, was not the God of the bible and he told me to pray for my salvation. We never talked about it afterwards.

Since that time I never really gave it much thought until the New York World Trade Center tragedy on 9-11-01. I went into deep meditation. I wanted to find an answer to why and how some misguided individuals could believe that their actions would be rewarded with their soul's eternal life with God. I then had a couple of experiences similar to the one I had at age fifteen of my spirit communicating with the "ultimate spirit.” (God, Allah or whatever one desires to call him/her/it)

One spiritual experience seemed to last throughout the entire night. My spirit observed the entire history and the evolution of the universe and our varying perceptions of God, as if in a fast-forward film.

The messenger is of no significance. It is the message that needs to be taken into account and judged for its merits. The experiences I encountered after the 9-11 tragedy helped me come to this conclusion: In this 21st Century, the Age of Technology, we are still plagued by religious beliefs that are a contributing cause toward terrorism, killings and wars between nations. Belief in a deity, who keeps causing catastrophes, punishes people, and created the universe out of nothingness as if by magic was brought about by hysteria and superstitions. This thought process needs to be reassessed and brought up to date. Open-minded people must use common sense to determine whether this so-called deity was incorrectly perceived, misinterpreted and misunderstood by the masses of a bygone era.

Some will say that my personal experience of oneness with a supreme spirit is nothing but a dream or a vivid imagination. It doesn't matter whether you accept or totally reject my story. What does matter is that we evolve to a point whereby we can encourage open-minded people to offer feedback on how our religious beliefs can be brought into the 21st century.

My concept is that God is a spiritual unity, a oneness, a structured government-like "Spiritual Collective"; the "Progressive and Accumulative Spiritual Intelligence" of the universe existing in the spiritual fourth dimension; a collective of the righteous souls who have passed into the spiritual realm; a spiritual continuity.

Namaste

BACKGROUND: I was the Director Of Cardiology Services at a Hospital. I was in charge of seven Departments and trying to open a new Cardiac Cath Lab at the time. My wife had delivered our third child prematurely. He was on a respirator alarm at home. I was working long hours, not getting enough sleep nor eating properly.

EVENTS: [One morning], I woke up, recalling a dream I had. I was in a early morning meeting with my Asst. Director. During the meeting I walked over to my black bookshelf and collapsed and died. I shook it off and I decided I did not want to go to work feeling exhausted; however, one of my Departments was going to be short personnel, so I went in to work. I arrived at the hospital at 6:30 am, Got two cups of coffee and went to my office. I went to my departments and started up all of the equipment, as I usually do. I returned to my office. I needed to see my Asst. Director, at 7:05am I got up from my desk walked in front of my black shelving unit and collapsed against my office door closing it as I fell. A housekeeper, that cleaned our area every night, heard me hit the floor moaning. She was not suppose to be at work that day. My office was located at the far end of a long hallway with nothing but testing rooms. She tried to push the door open, but could not due to me laying against the door. She ran to my reception area and told my technicians, Dave was in trouble. The technicians came to my office and pushed open the door finding me laying on the floor, blue and unconscious. They began CPR and called a Code Blue. My Cardiac Cath Lab team came running as did the Emergency Crew. They defibrillated me 17 times during the code, continuously doing CPR. Nothing was working. One doc was ready to call it quits when another (who was not suppose to be at the Hospital that morning but decided to stop in the ER) said, “let's open his chest.” The first doc said that opening my chest in a non-sterile area is dangerous. I will always remember what the other told him, "YOU CAN"T KILL A DEAD MAN". He called down to the Operating Room for a Chest Surgeon and an OR Tray. A chest Surgeon came to my office; he did not want to open my chest either. The doc told him, “either you do it or I will.” They brushed off my desk, placed me on my desk, draped my chest with a sterile cloth and opened my chest cavity. The doc stuck his two fingers into my chest cavity and squeezed the heart twice and the heart started beating. That was at 8:00 am. I was gone for 55 minutes. They placed me on a gurney, and he rode on top with his hands in my chest as they took me to the Operating Room. When I awoke in ICU, I was very agitated and a Dr. told me to calm down "You’re living on borrowed time." I was hooked up to all kinds of IVs, Catheters, Heart Pump, Respirator, and they kept me knocked out ‘til Saturday. One of my Departments was EEG. When they ordered the test to be done, none of my staff would do it, they were afraid they would find I was brain dead. The head of the Dept. did the test, finding everything normal. He later told me that was the hardest thing he had ever had to do. We had worked together for over 15 years. Those 55 minutes of death changed my life forever.

EXPERIENCE: I found myself floating about 4 feet off the floor, horizontally. I saw the outline of my body, no features just the outline. From the waist down it was a deep black but from the waist up there was this unbelievable BRIGHT LIGHT, 100 times brighter then the sun but I couldn't stop looking at it. I felt as if I was being held in someone’s arms very close to their chest. I was questioning myself, "AM I DEAD" and before I could finish the thought the answer came from the person holding me, "NO, You're fine." Then I thought "Am I going to be ok?" Again the voice, "You are fine, don't worry." The feeling of laying in these arms was overwhelming: the serenity, the quietness, no worries, no responsibilities, safety, and unbelievable LOVE. It is very hard to explain, but I could not see this being but I felt him, It was like being enveloped with him, as one. There are no words to describe it. Suddenly I began floating back to my body on the floor, heading towards the light in the top part of my body. But I wasn't going back into the body put thru it into this Glorious Light. As I was floating towards the body of light, I saw movement within the light but I couldn't distinguish what it was. Then I began hearing my name being called, it was very annoying, like a bee buzzing around your face. “Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.” Suddenly I was being thrust upward thru this tunnel, so fast; the sound of my name getting louder and louder. That's when I woke up and saw the ICU Nurse looking down at me. Suddenly all the responsibilities, worries, problems, pain came tumbling down on me like a 100 ton weight. I got very upset, I saw all the machines, wires, tubes, hooked up to my body and I knew what each one was for, they were keeping me alive with machines. That's when I started pulling tubes and anything I could get my hands on to disconnect me from their machines. I felt they CHEATED ME, LET ME GO BACK. I did not want to be in that ICU bed alive, I wanted to go back. That's when they gave me the morphine to keep me out.

When I could write later the next day, I asked the nurse if they were keeping alive with the machines? She said "NO." After getting stabilized, they transferred me to another hospital and did a numerous amount of tests, finding nothing wrong, I was in perfect health. I did not tell anyone of the experience for at least 6 months, thinking they would think I was nuts. I was admitted to the Hospital for cardiomyitis. The doc came to my room, sat down, said nothing, and began watching TV with me. After awhile, he looked at me and asked, "Dave did you experience anything when you were out during the arrest?" I was sort of caught off guard, and looked at him, He said "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." He told me about his experience when he had a heart attack and what he saw. He was the first person I told my story to.

AFTERMATH: I began telling everyone I knew about my NDE. I was on the Oprah Winfrey Show in (Near Death Experiences). I was on Television News Program. I was on two radio shows, Newspapers and Articles. I wrote to Universities to get more information on NDE's. I felt I was the only one and all alone. Who would understand? Who would believe me, other then those that have had one. I read books wanting to learn everything I could.

Before the NDE we had everything, new home, two cars, all the perks of life. My wife was an RN working at the same hospital. I went back to the Hospital for awhile, then left never to return to Medicine again. My priorities had changed. Nothing meant the same anymore. Life was meaningless, all the money, cars, big homes, titles were irrelevant. Within four years I was divorced, had nothing and was living with my parents. I went into major depression. Left my parents, slept in my car, thoughts of suicide. I couldn't understand why I had that experience and then sent back to this world and end up with nothing. From riches to rags. I ended up in a Christian Shelter, began working as a Christian Counselor. I was still trying to understand why me? A client came to my office wanting hear the story about my NDE. I figured maybe it would help him. He was a drug addict at 24 years of age, a really nice person. I told him my story. Afterwards I told him I did not understand what I was suppose to do with my life. I had seen Doctors, Counselors, Clergy, but no one gave me any answers. This 24 year old kid tells me "Dave, maybe this is it: helping others that have nothing." Suddenly a light went on. YES, That's it. I experienced the good times before the NDE and bad times afterwards. I could not help anyone if I have not walked in their shoes. Jesus gave me a chance to help others, but first I had to experience what they went thru and felt. I felt relieved. Now, everything made sense. The next morning that 24 year old was found dead in his bed. He had died from Congestive Heart Failure during the night. To this day I thank HIM for helping me.

MY BELIEFS AFTER THE NDE: I believe that person that was holding me during the NDE was Jesus. I believe that death is not the end, but only the beginning of something more Glorious then we can ever imagine. I do not believe in organized religion. I believe in Spirituality, the belief of Jesus, as it is written, not as it is interpreted by others. I have studied Spiritual Warfare and it is very real. I believe Jesus suffered for us and we need to forgive ourselves of sins because he already has paid the sacrifice for us. I believe we are all children of God. Today I am very happily married and living in Ontario.

PHYSICALLY: I have had two major surgeries on my neck due to the 17 electrical shocks during the arrest. My head kept hitting the floor during the defibrillations. I do have strange things happen electrically, street lights going off as I drive under them, light bulbs glaring brightly in a living room for no reason, my bodies temperature can raise remarkably with biofeedback.

CONCLUSION: I would be very happy to discuss my experience with anyone who is looking for answers. After my NDE I felt very alone. It changed my Life for the better. IT GAVE ME ONE.

PS: I am not sure if I should have mentioned the Doctors names, but they deserve all the credit.

After several years, I just realized this was similar to a NDE, I always saw it as just a “vision” before, because I was healthy at the time.

It was about 1:00 am and I was up feeding my 5 month old baby. It was dark in his room, but the kitchen light was on and the light spilled into his room. I was sitting on the bottom bunk bed (my older son slept on the top and the baby in a crib), leaning against the wall, and bottle-feeding my baby. I want to comment that I always felt an overwhelming sense of love and communion when holding my babies, more profound when breast-feeding, as I'm sure any mother does.

I was sitting there holding him, when suddenly I was shooting through space, or rather my consciousness was, because I was no longer in that room or even aware of it. It was dark, like outer space, and lights were streaming past me. I was racing toward some point in the distance. (Kind of like that star field screensaver, only it happened a couple years before I ever saw that.) At the same, I became ACUTELY aware of the IMMEASURABLE VASTNESS; I KNEW what ETERNITY was. I can't explain the feeling, even after all this time, it still takes my breath away. I never saw other beings, but I felt I wasn't alone. After a few seconds, I was back, still feeding my baby. After the experience, for some reason, still unknown to me, the number 200,000 stuck in my head, as well as the name Deepak Chopra. I had not heard of him at the time, but of course, now I'm familiar with him. I also completely lost my fear of death, which had plagued me all my life. Another interesting thing I can't explain is my sudden interest in physics. I checked out all the books at the library, bought books like Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time, etc. The need to learn, it was insatiable. I would get into debates with people about Einstein and different theories on the Universe. I knew this was related to my “vision”, but couldn't figure out why.

In the few years after that, I became very involved in things like meditation. I checked out all the books on it from the library, I joined a meditation group, etc. I became involved in spiritual healing and different spiritual-type things. I gained a passion for the paranormal and people's differing beliefs and have tried to form my own theory on the nature of God and the universe. Like I said before, my interest became insatiable.

In fact, I never really attributed any of this to my experience before, but I have just started reading Full Circle by Barbara Harris and Lionel C. Bascom, and a couple of the experiences in it (namely Tom Sawyer's), just came out and slapped me. I'm still as affected and fascinated as ever, and even more curious as to what happened to me. How can a healthy person spontaneously have a NDE?

I was living in a really small Farming Town, "VERY" happy with My Domestic Partner. I went to My (O. B. G. Y. N. ) (MD). He found a Tumor on My Left Ovary, He then sent me to a Specialist (he said she was!). She was not a good Doctor! I was operated on Within Two Weeks time. I had Ovarian Cancer. When this Doctor went in my Body she took "EVERYTHING" Female. Everything that make Us "Females"! The Pathology report said she (Meaning the specialist) did Unnecessary Surgical removal of incredible Right Ovary, Cervix, Uterus. What was to be 1-1/2 hrs of Surgery became 13-1/2 hrs of repair work by a Oncology Team, as well as Urology Team. She sliced my Bladder in "Three" places.

While I was out, I was brought to a Field I played in when I was a child. The first person I saw (?), Was my Sister in-Law, Who by the way, was also My Lifetime Best Friend. Rita was her name. I had felt really bad for not attending her Memorial. She had asked me "NOT' to see her sick; she knew she was very sick. She said “it’s going to be OK, Beth!” She was lonely for her Husband (My Brother). Our last time together on Earth, She said she was all ALONE when everyone left to go to their Own Homes & Lives (HER CHILDREN & GRANDCHILDREN). Death didn’t scare her Anymore; she was tired. We watched her favorite TV show. We spoke of our childhoods, how she married her BEST FRIEND’S BROTHER! When she was diagnosed with 2-3 months to live (Aug., she died in Sept of Cancer). I was going through a "Very" bad Divorce, standing to loose EVERYTHING if I left the State for the Funeral, or Anywhere for that matter. When I went to the OTHER-SIDE, there she was in 'HUMAN' form. I didn’t Question it then. My Brother was with her, but in the Background, he Waved to Me. Rita said "Thank You" for Keeping My Promise. WE had a good time, didn’t we! It’s My Children’s problem, Their choice to be Angry at you for not Attending. (This was the first NDE that day.)

(Second NDE I went to a place with a man called MOHAMMAD. He Talked & Walked with me. I heard everything through thoughts(?) I questioned if it was Drugs or the Anesthesia affects. When I was in my room (after recovery), My Sister was in the room. The Urology Team, A doctor, was at the foot of My Bed (I thought it was a MD.) His name was Mohammad? My Sister said there wasn’t a doctor by that name in the room. I’ll never forget his Beauty: His eyes, they were Crystal Blue. The Peace he gave me was awesome! He said “you are going to be fine! You have work to do.” I was told, while he was teaching me, that life is about choices given to us by GOD! We also have Free-Will, temptations of Demons cast upon the earth long ago? The Battle hasn’t Happened YET! Its going on now! When Lucifer is cast to Earth, people will believe it is the second Coming of Jesus! Very few will know it’s the Evil One? We are judged on the good we do, as well as the not so good! I was shown that we choose IF we go through the light. Our deeds here, 'Right NOW! If we caused harm, if we lived greedy, if we didn’t share the wealth (pay it forward), We would forever see it on a movie screen, over & over again, until you learned WHY? You were like this on Earth? Whatever we do to others, we will have to face on the Other-Side. I was told it’s not GOD’S fault for Humanity’s Hate-for One Another, Our Anger, War. When we use killing as a Human means to Judge. Those persons responsible for the Deaths will be accountable. I was told we only have Ten Laws of the Land We have to live by? Moses were given these Laws long ago; [did] People forget their meanings? When a man makes 100.00 he should not pay 150.00 for rent. Mohammad told me I had to "Pay it Forward"; I do. I will give my last dollar to someone else. When the IRS gets to the Other-Side, they will all be judged accordingly to their Greed? When the Pope speaks of being God-like, he is taking the Lord name in vain. What has he done for his children during the Molestation Cases? He speaks of Abortion: it’s against God’s law. What about facing his Flock about what the church is doing to the men that have caused so much pain? He sent them along to another Parish to Re-offend. I was given a task? I have to feed the people of the south Smokey mts. Appalachia - the children that are in Our Country (USA) that are STARVING!

I would like to speak with someone that will write what I have learned down? It vital and necessary! Thank you!

My experience is bit different than other NDE's. I was not physically dying, thinking about committing suicide, on drugs or anything, but I had the following experience:

I was resting in bed with my eyes closed. My mind wanders, and at some point, I started to see images of streaming light filaments in front of me. I felt I was traveling very fast in darkness (almost like a tunnel). Then I abruptly came to an opening. There in front of me was a huge white glow. It was massive in size, as I could only observe its size from a very far distance. At the very moment I experienced the Light, I knew what it was. It was pure, non-judgmental and loving. I felt blissful and so lovely accepted. Tremendous knowledge was given to me, yet it was not the sort of knowledge you gain from reading books. Maybe, it is call Enlightenment or meeting with God, I don't know. I was so amazed.

From that, I somehow drifted out of the experience and became very conscious of what had just happened. Note, I do not feel I was asleep during the experience; I was simply in another state of mind. You will see when I tell you what happened next. Anyway, I got up from the bed so elated that I immediately called my best friend. I told him the story, but he did not understand. I calmed down a bit and went back to my bedroom to rest again. I closed my eyes, and at some point I thought, "What is beyond the Light?” I was not asleep or dreaming, but I started to see the streaming filaments of light again. I ascended towards this massive Light. I tried to perceive what was beyond the Light, but the answer came to me at that moment. There was no limit or boundaries. Love is infinite. I was quite unprepared for this answer, I think.

I drifted out of the experience again. This time I remember feeling so humbled and grateful to be given this gift. I was not wanting more, as I was very content. I did know at that time (and I don't know why), that I would have other experiences in the future. This turned out to be true. From time to time, I do experience a presence from that first encounter. And still today, I feel I they will occur again when the time is right. I can explain in more detail in another letter.

From the experiences, I was never the same again. I realize that we are part of that Light. We are capable of many wonderful things if we just follow our hearts, learn to give unconditionally, and except the human weakness in us. It's so unfortunate and sad that our society is so driven by money, power and selfishness. I wish . .. .

The Sting

My brother and I took a trip out of state to fix my sister’s roof. my mom was already there. It took about four hours to get there. As soon as we did, we just jumped up on the roof and started working. Well we stripped the roof and uncovered a wasp nest. Of course, 20 minutes later I turned my back on the nest and one flew into my shirt and stung me on the back. it was no big deal. I was stung plenty of times before by bees. So I just asked my nephew to tell grandma to get a potatoe to take out the stinger.

A few minutes later I felt the sharp pains again. And I was like come on Randy (my bro), you got to get the stinger out, So he opened my shirt and said “wholly cow its a wasp and he is still on you pumping you up.” So he got it off me, but still I was like no big deal, lets keep working. The pain will go away you know: the tough guy routine. Well in another two minutes, I was feeling funny and hot and tired. I sat down just as my mom came out. she said I better come down. well I finally made it in to the house and fell on the couch. I felt my heart pounding so hard and hurt so bad. I was scared and I knew I was going to die. It was a heart attack if I ever felt one. things started to slip away, I couldn’t open my mouth; I was all locked up. I could open my chest to breath. I saw the fear in my mom’s eyes and my sister as she walked in the room,

I felt as if I could only talk with my eyes. As I thought, “please just get me the phone. I need to tell my wife and daughters good bye. Please, that is all there is time for. I know it. please get ‘em on the phone, now.” My sister went in the kitchen as I concentrated on her the most. I heard her call the ambulance instead. at that second. I gave in, it was too late. she didn’t call, and I was not going to get to say good bye to my love. It was really a sad moment as I felt myself slipping away.

Next thing, I am somewhere in this lighted place. There was this most supreme feeling about in front of me, and it wasn’t just singular, there was a few. I could sense it, like my head was bowed down. I couldn’t quite see, but as the focus came in there. they were three of them, three lights in the forms of circles, one bigger in the middle, and two smaller on the sides. I felt great pressure, as if I were on a trial or something. I was still me though, no body, nothing of me. but it was me with all the mind of me. At that moment, I knew I was what they called dead to the world, but not to the light. Then it was like my focus moved to the light on the left side. I was able to hear her talking to me. Yes, that one spoke to me and said “everything is alright now. you have done a great job of telling them about Jesus.” it was alright now that I may stay, and come in, as if she was signaling me with her right hand to go that way into the light now. but a super rush of conscience came into me. all of a sudden I had a panic feeling with in my soul. I became abrupt with the light. I was scared, and felt like I had to plead my case. this is the following of what I spoke to the light: “no I can’t. , I can’t not now. I got to go back. I got to go back now. I got to back now, because if I don’t go back, I don’t think that there is anybody else down there that loves everybody enough to want to save them all like I do, and I mean all of them.” I almost didn’t know where this came from but it was in me. that would be the last moment in the light.

i then felt myself falling down, as I came back just above my body. I could see the room and my body, not clearly though because there was an unusual amount of paramedics over my body, like something bad was really happening down there with me. but I couldn’t feel anything. then I looked and seen my sister standing behind the paramedics just screaming and crying. I could see her eyes, and her face was red, and the tears were streaming from her eyes. they were like red eyes at that point. then to her left, was her daughter, just looking like “what is going on.” She was afraid only because she was seeing everyone else losing it. The “I” entered my body, like I fell down into it at the same time as like sitting up inside myself, up in my head. Then I could feel the life coursing back into my body, every vein, every cell. It burned, my whole body just burned and it hurt. I was feeling again. Yet just before, I had absolutely no pain. Then slowly I could hear the room and everybody was screaming for me to “Come back. Come on, just take a breath.” I couldn’t; my lungs were collapsed. I couldn’t open them up. I had no strength to do so. I felt slipping away again. Then I tried again. I can hear them now again, “Just one more breath. come on.” Ok, I will. They got this mask on me, and it is blowing air into me, but it is not enough. I need more; “won’t some please take this off my face and just blow up my lungs? just once, please, I need help.” this is what was going on in my head, I tried to take it away and talk, and everyone in the room was just like shouting for joy. but I still need help, don’t celebrate yet. I can’t breath. then it hit me. I got my wind. and now I am a little embarrassed and asked to go to the bathroom. they said don’t worry, we got to take you in. well, when I came back, I had wet my self and defecated, too. I didn’t know when that happened, but it must of happened when I was out. Then they tried to move me to the bed from the gurney and all of a sudden I just leaped on to it myself. All the people just jumped back as if they seen a ghost. I was like “what’s a matter man?” I am alive. I was so pumped up to be alive. They were like “you got a lot of strength for having an anaphylactic shock and being dead just a few moments ago.” I was confused a bit, and then silent remembering what just happened. I fell asleep. when I woke up in the hospital, my sister was there, kind of massaging my head and staring at me, rubbing a tattoo on the side of my head. The first thing she said (because she never seen this tattoo before), “What does this mean?” It is of a cross with the words (mi jaman god) inside of it. I got it because I always believed so hard in Jesus. All I could do was start crying, because that was all about, what just happened and where I came back from, life after death, for real, forever.

And now my search for some missing pieces and I am finding them all. All the things about the bible has been my insatiable urge. There is something else there in all the words, between the lines, as if I can now figure out what prophets were talking about, other than the obvious. I heard of a bible code. I read those books. They brief it, but they are so far away from the right interpretations, the places, the people, the concepts they were trying to pass. It starts in the beginning and they all continue it through out. Only the priests of today are misinterpreting it for the power over the people. They themselves are blind guides, now leading the people wrong. But I can't be mad at them. I know and found out and can understand the why's, why it all happened this way. Better yet, well the best yet is I know… this whole thing happened so I would be led to it.

What was being hid by the sons of light, you get it now. They all knew how it was going to turn out. They knew how the people were going to turn the scriptures around for their own sick pleasures of control - locking up the gate to heaven -- and they themselves won’t enter. They knew more than the ones with greed. They knew these things would surface in the future, so they buried them in the words until a time came when one could figure them out. Why is this happening to me, I ask. Why I am figuring them out, on this quest to go back to god, like my nde. I felt I was the only one who loved them all enough to want to save them all. Let’s just say my first trip to Isreal, they said I was crazy, and would get in to the temple because of the al fatah. But he said I was going. I did. I had the faith (how could I not). Everyone here tried to talk me out of it or scare me away from it. They thought I was crazy. When I got to Isreal, I told them; they thought I was crazy.

It is a whole other story, but on the last of a fourteen day trip, on the last hours, the spirit entered the guards at the gate. I was permitted to enter after two days of being refused, denied and made fun of by the Isreali army and the Palestinian army. Abu was my guide, and he couldn’t believe I did it either, and he was right there by my side. I got a picture walking out of the temple on the peak of Mount Mariah, by this boy out of nowhere. The last non-Muslim to walk in the temple mount was Ariel Sharon until the moment I entered. It was nothing short of a miracle from God. And my life just keeps getting deeper into the mind now. The scriptures are still leading me everyday to the answers of what I am to do. It is as if the book was written in a way for me, to jog my memory to remember where I put something. And now I remember where it is and how to get to it. But I am waiting for the time to be told to me, the right time. I know the season; I know the day. I know why it is like now I am being prepped with knowledge of the lord for that day. I can’t tell you everything though, and I am sorry for that. But it will be soon. Of course, if you believe, you will have nothing to worry about. It is all about the love… a love I have for everyone. I can feel so many peoples pain. I feel groups of pain. it is like I feel the compassion for them all: they have all been led astray kind of compassion. I hurt inside so much when I see others pain. It drives me to find the cure. the crying, the abuse towards the daughters of the world, how they mislead them into being they way they are. It is scary how far we've gone away from his path. We have taken it all for granted all of us. But the only way to do it, to fix it, is for all of us to do it together. It won’t happen any other way,

We all have the pieces to the puzzle so to say. Every piece we kill, we lose and fall a little more, until we pick them back up. The children, they are the princes to the throne. All of us are the children; all of us are the children of the light, and no one is going to be left behind. You know how I know this? I feel it. I am it. I have compassion right down to the last murderer, thief, psycho, freak, crippled, lost soul. Thus like the Lord has spoke to me, “If you believe in me, not one of my sheep will be lost. it is my shepherds now who are lost, and they need the love brought back into the light.”

There is so much that burns bright inside my head. I don’t want to distract from your study of the light experience, but I could go one for days without even getting tired of trying to explain to someone how to believe it is all true. But then I know what it is that will set it all off. All I can say now is, if anyone at all reads this, I hope it is understandable. My thoughts fly like my compassion, with a fire under my ••• almost like desperation, but its not. It's patience that needs practice. I really do love you, whoever reads this. it is all true. I have nothing to lie about. I only have everything to share with you. I know though, one day I will prove what I have found. Because I guess it is the only way to make the world see that the Bible is not just any old story about being good. It was written by those too who have seen the light. Read it again and then you people who have seen the light, remember how you had a hard time using words to describe the sight you seen. Now read again: the callings of the Moses, Abraham, Jacob, the prophets, Isaiah, Jesus, Mohamed, and you see for yourself how they describe their callings from the light. Maybe it was just for me because they all had a description of a threesome of something, allll oofff themmm, one bigger in the middle with two on the sides. You see, I never picked up on it until it happened to me. But I cried so hard as I read every one of them again for the umpteenth time, the apostles too!

Come on, wake up. Moses describes it as a burning bush and all the Isrealites seen it. it was their calling, and it is yours, too – ours, too. We need to fix the garden. It has everything we need. It has enough love for all, if we would only share it all. The writings of John (a hidden buried reading from John, that the churches would think it was part of their scriptures): he describes himself crying so hard at the moment they were killing Jesus. As John was sitting in the garden of Gethsemene, he had a vision of light. Within the light, he seen three forms within the light. As they spoke to him. (This would put the spiritual resurrection only moments after the death of Jesus, not three days, not the dogma stuff. This is that why it was buried and not accepted as part of the cannon of the church.) I never knew any of this writing taking place until I got to Isreal on that trip. It was as if I was being led to that information, just like I was led here to this site to share the whole thing, my knowledge, my love. Sometimes I think I believe in Jesus more than anyone, because the picture I am uncovering is much more beautiful and full of love than I could ever have imagined. You can absolutely say, I now read more by the light than by the darkness of power gluttons. I see clearly now. And I know as soon as try to put these things out, they will try to take me out again. it is bad news for all those in their lost world of money power. That is why Jesus said it would be harder for one who is rich to get into heaven. That is why the apostles were told to give what he gave without price because you had received it with out price.

Ok, I’m sorry I keep going, but only for now,

As now, I write and tell everyone, “Until later, my friend," because I no longer believe in goodbyes either. It seems so morbid, because I know now there is no death. I will see you later, with all my love forever!

I am even crying now just as I cried with every story of the other NDEr's. I only hope if you have done the same, you have felt the same warmth in mine and cried out of happiness and renewed confidence in life, in love and in God. It is like my shield has been rebuilt and the fear is no way going to take these things away!!!!!!!!!

You know when you break down the light, you see it then becomes the vibration of beautiful music waves of light. Isn’t that what scientists took so long to figure out, it is all vibes (vibrations) OK OK OK. till later

It happened on a slick road. After leaving a high school musical with my mom, I slid off the road and hit a tree. I was in a coma for 12 days and "out of it" for a month or so. I was in hospitals for two months, with people visiting daily. I was told after I got out that word got out about my wreck, and people all over the U.S., as well as a day in Australia, were praying continuously for me. I did not see any light or dead relatives, but my experience was life-changing non-the-less. After I "woke up" broken relationships began to heal. Both sides realized that we don't have all the time in the world to make things right.

I also have seen first hand the power of God. I have to be careful saying this, because I know that God does not heal all sickness. This is one reason I stopped believing years ago when a close friend's mom died of cancer, despite all of the praying we were doing. Because of this, I am now learning that god can not be "put in a box," or to do all the time what is expected. I am learning to be able to accept that God is doing something that will eventually work out for good, no matter how it looks from my eyes. Knowing this does not take all of my (now humorously small) problems away. They are still here. The faith I have now reminds me that, “In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28 NIV).

I indicated that my NDE was accidental. I was at a party and was drugged. I remember sitting on the steps of the house, thinking I was dying and how embarrassed I was. I wanted to go hide in the bushes, but could not move. I had a fleeting thought that everyone was dying and felt sort of relieved. Finally I realized that it was just me, and relaxed to the fact that I had no control. The last memory was of a friend saying, "Are you okay"? Then I fell over into a flower garden.

The first images are really tough to describe. In my mind, I saw reality dissolve into nothingness. I was seeing the neighborhood, houses, cars, road, trees, disappearing. I was told/shown that life was a school and that we were all students. I remember having the feeling of, oh yeah, how could I have forgotten, of course, it all made so much sense.

I remember recognizing that everything I was doing, my job, my relationships, my projects, were all so petty and useless, and that I should be doing more with my life. I knew that I should be doing something more with my life.

The next thing I recall was being in this transparent tunnel of light. Transparent like a bubble. It was maybe 6 to 10 feet across. I remember seeing that movie, “Contact” with Jodie Foster, after the incident, and saying, that's it! It is the closest thing I have ever seen to describe it. You could see planets and the tunnel or tube had slow curves.

The disturbing part of this experience was the lack of control. I had no idea were the hell I was going and did not like the feeling. I felt like a piece of a puzzle that was being moved somewhere with intentional purpose. I was not worried for my safety or anything, I just did not like the feeling of restraint. I had no choice in the matter. I was moving somewhere fast and it was not my decision.

I realized that I had no body and no eyes, but I could still see. How interesting. So my discomfort at not being in control was mixed with awe at what I was seeing. On a side note, you might consider doing a study to see if NDE's are a result of accidental deaths. Although I'm not sure if there really is such a thing as an accident anymore.

When I finally awoke and was able to speak, three hours later, I said, "I just died.” I have a lot of atheist friends who insisted I just had a bad trip, but I was not convinced. What convinced me that my experience was real was a phone call from my mother who lives in HI. She said she had had been worried about me and was calling to see if I was okay. I said of course. She then told me that she had had a dream about being at my funeral, and was so disturbed that she woke up and said to her husband, "Dannie just died.” She asked me what I was doing on the night of...” My heart raced as I walked around the kitchen with the phone to my ear searching for a calendar. It was the same day and we calculated the time exactly. She had a dream about my death at the same instant that I was having my NDE!

Since my NDE I have jumped right back to the daily grinds of life. It's pretty hard not to, what with it in your face every day. It's a great illusion, almost a dream, except the illusion is real.

Although the realization that this world we live in is a school has had no impact on my concerns for the environment, and I am still outspoken and very passionate about social issues. I guess I do feel a bit more aware of the things around me and not so focused on myself. I certainly have lost all fear of death. And although I am not for certain I will see my relatives as others have, I know without doubt that this is not an end. Not sure if it's the beginning, but it most certainly is not the end.

I had four brain operations; they were trying to find a tumor. This was before the CAT Scans, etc., were available in the UK. They used probes etc. Finally they found it and removed it. I lost all sensations: could not talk, walk, do anything for a long time. I spent about 10 days in the intense care section, during which I had stigmata (bleeding palms, line of thorn marks across forehead, etc.). I was then moved to main neuro ward. After about a week on this ward, I had an arrest.

I was in a strange sort of funnel. Looking down it narrowed to a point, where there was bright lights, etc. Looking up it went wider and wider to a clear sky, slightly cloudy. I was just standing there, in mid-air, sort of hovering, about in the middle. When I looked up again, there was a large rectangular shape falling towards me. Even now, I always think of it as a huge block of green fairy soap, slowly turning as it fell, tumbling over and over. I suddenly realized by the time it got to me, it would be filling the tunnel, and I'd only be able to go downwards towards the light. I knew somehow that the light was OK, but also that there was more adventure if I went the other way (upwards). I felt myself slowly rising, keeping to the side. And as the huge block passed almost touching me... (Don’t recall anything else.)

Notes; I have heard voices sometimes. Following my recovery in 1974, I went to this very hospital to work, and stayed 10 years. Finally I got a great promotion and this I accepted. And as I left the office, this voice said, "This is not for you." Instinctively I swore at the voice, and told the person where to go in no uncertain terms, for hadn’t I worked hard for this promotion. Within a few weeks, I collapsed. A 2nd tumor diagnosed. I was pushed into early retirement, being told that I probably had only around 2 years to live (1984). So, why am I here now in 2004? I often feel I am being punished for swearing at God or whoever. The last time I attempted to get signed off as "well" and get a job, I had a mysterious sudden heart attack (1998), which put paid to that! And shortly after the voice said, "You will wait", so I wait (with great frustration).

I was 15 years old and my best girl friend, Sandy and I were talking on the phone. I had wanted to go for a drive in the country. We lived in Maine and the land was so beautiful. One of my favorite things was to just go for a long ride in a car. I was learning to drive at the time and it was just great to be in a car. She suggested that her boyfriend, Jerry, could take me out for a ride. He called and said he would meet me and we could go for a long ride in the country. I was so excited! He picked me up and we started on the ride. It started snowing quite heavily, but the snowflakes were so big and beautiful, I was very excited. As we were driving through the twisting and turning roads, up and down hills, it was beautiful. Then Jerry turned onto a side road, that was very narrow and fully tree lined. I told him I wanted to go home and he told me that this is a very beautiful place, for me to just wait and see. Being young and naive, I sat and waited for this beautiful place. He pulled into a dead end and then he offered me some beer. I did not want any. He kept insisting in a nice way, and I had a sip. Then he moved close to me and put his arm around me. I told him not to touch me, that he was Sandy's boyfriend, and I am not interested, and told him to take me home right now. I gave him back his beer and insisted that we leave. He grabbed me and tried to kiss me and I pushed him away. He grabbed my shirt and pulled at it, and I pushed him away. He grabbed my skirt and lifted it up and grabbed my panties and pulled them off, as I was hitting him and screaming and punching him and trying to bite him. Next thing I knew he had his hands around my throat and was strangling me. I tried to get his hands off my throat, and kept hitting him and struggling trying to get out of the car. The doors were locked and I could not get out. The next thing I know everything went dark.

I then saw a bright white light over my head, like there was no ceiling in the car, just white light. I saw my life flash before me. It was like it was in slow motion, but yet it was going full speed. I saw so much, people, events; I can't even find the words of how to describe it. I then saw this circle of people around me, there were so many. Some I recognized and some I did not. A man's face became very large, as if he had stepped closer to me. He had dark hair with fine features and looked around 30 years old to me. I heard him say to me that when I go back not to fight or struggle with him, just do what ever he wants. It is not worth dying for. The next thing I remember was seeing Jerry's face, and I told him to do what ever he wanted and I just laid there and I did not move. He stopped strangling me and continued to assault me. He then drove me home. I did not understand all that happened to me. I have since had a few dreams that are prophetic, just little things, nothing big. I have seen ghosts and spirits. My life has changed very slowly over the years; many things have happened that I can not totally explain. I saw a chiropractor when I was 36 years old and had an x-ray taken. On the x-ray, he saw something, and he asked me if I had suffered any severe trauma to my throat and neck area. That really startled me, and I remembered. I told him that I was sexually assaulted and strangled when I was 15. He told me that I have arthritis in my throat caused by severe trauma, but he said that it should not cause me any problems.

I went into the hospital due to having some chest pain, and pain in my left arm. The doctor requested that I have a stress test done. He found something abnormal on the right side of my heart. He then requested that I have a heart catheter done. So as I was having that procedure done, with the doctor going through my arteries, he discovered that I had a fifth artery. He took the thin scope through that artery. At that point, I felt a little pain. Then I saw the doctor hitting my chest. I saw him take the paddles to my chest four times. I was standing there a couple of feet off the ground as they were working on me. I saw this bright light. Then I saw this beautiful face; it was bright as the clouds. And then I saw my Mom, who is deceased. Then I heard a firm but pleasant voice to go back. I saw the nurse in my face, screaming at me to breathe. And like a swoosh; I was back in my body taking in a deep breath. But I just feel like I was sent back for a purpose, and I don’t know what really that purpose is yet. But maybe someday I will find out.

I was being treated in hospital for a "chemical imbalance" after the birth of my first child. After having serious marriage problems, I stopped sleeping much and was way too "up.” About ten days after the birth, I entered the hospital. After initial assessment, they decided I needed to sleep. I was walking down the hall of the hospital with my mom when the nurse approached with the medication. I took the pills and immediately felt the wild symptoms. I knew that I had to find my bed, and called out to my mom to take me there. My eyes were rolling up and my tongue felt like it was choking me. I groped to my bed and fell unconscious face down.

I immediately left my body, traveling so fast within this amazing comforting all-encompassing light (words cannot describe this feeling). I arrived at a place where a being (guide) held my hand while different parts of my life played out before me like a movie. However, everything was from inside of the person I was with at the time. How they felt when I looked at them, talked to them... It was a huge shock. I became full of knowledge that was like a burden to me. I still have to stop myself from telling people about themselves and their behavior, even today. Anyway, next came more like a tunnel at the end of which was a group of my family waiting for me in a garden. Far in the distance, I could see many things like a beautiful city or large palace. It was strange because it didn't look like it was on land. Maybe an island or something. In between was a small river; it was amazingly beautiful. Things smelled wonderful. (Words are not powerful enough to describe these sights.) There was music softly playing but no musicians. Everything was in its natural form. No technology…

My great-grandmother was the strongest presence there (and in life as well; I knew her until I was 14). Ad she broke into my amazed reverence and said point blank, "You cannot stay here.” I argued. I pleaded. She forced me to look down and all of a sudden, I was in the hospital watching the doctor from a height of about 15-20 feet or so. The ceilings were only average height, so I was looking through the floor!!!! My mom was on the side of the bed near the door, and the nurse was on the other side. The doctor was right on the bed on top of me giving me a needle (adrenalin) into my neck. He was shouting at me, "Shawna, don't forget to breath" My mother was crying hard and holding onto the wall for support. I heard a voice in my head "You have a choice, will you leave your mother and your baby behind?" The very next moment, I took a breath and opened my eyes, smiled at the doctor and said, “What are you so worried? About I am fine.” Then I sat up. He freaked out. He pushed me back down and shouted at me to lay still. I tried to reassure him. I told him I saw what he did and that I went someplace wonderful. All he said was "I'm so glad you came back.”

Some of this story is what my sister related to me months after the incident. The reason for this is I remember nothing. Most of the day was hazy, especially just before I had the cardiac arrest. When I was 22 years old, I was living with my sister. Every Monday night she played beach volleyball, and on occasion, I fill in for a missing player. A vivid image of what I do remember is one of my sister’s friends stretching her legs. I do remember playing volleyball, but do not recall much. One minute I was playing volleyball, the next thing I knew I woke up in hospital. The unusual thing about waking up in the hospital was that it felt RIGHT. It felt that this was where I was supposed to be (although I have no recollection of anything that happened that could have led me there).

I was sedated for two days and in those two days, I felt that I was living in a dreamland, coming in and out of consciousness. Two years later, I did a first aid course, and in this course they taught us how to specific way to roll a person over on their side. We practiced it on a partner, and then they practiced on me. When I was practiced upon, I definitely remembered being rolled exactly that way before. I knew straight away that it was from when I had my cardiac arrest. Deju vu. I did not have this memory prior to this first aid course.

When I was in hospital, I remember my mother shaving my face. But my mother was supposed to be 1600 km away. I do not recall asking what happened, but my mother tells me I kept asking everyone what happened. So when I woke up, I didn't ask any questions because I knew the answers. I just couldn't remember ever asking anyone anything. This is probably because of all the drugs I was given.

While I was recovering in hospital, the ambulance drivers came in to see me. They told me to buy a lottery ticket and said that the chance for an out-of-hospital cardiac arrest survival was one in a thousand. On top of that, if it happened six months earlier, I wouldn't have made it to the hospital. Back then, ambulances did not have defibrillators. My thanks go to millionaire KERRY PACKER, who suffered something similar and therefore donated the money for defibrillators to be installed in ambulances.

I do not know how to word this next part but I will do my best.

When I read a book, just before I flip the page, I generally know what the next two or three words are. Also, I often say things at exactly the same time as other people (jinx). We watched a home video of my sister Anna and her boyfriend Jim of their holidays together. In a part of the video, Jim made an obscure comment on what I can't remember. But I do recall saying the exact same comment at the exact same time as he said it on camera while we were watching. Maybe I think the same way Jim does, or maybe it's psychic phenomena.

Now I am a 27 year old man, who was born with a hole in my heart. I have always had chest pain (which is why I thought chest pain was normal), and now I have had an Inserted Cardiac Defibrillator (ICD, type of pacemaker) for five years. My doctor wants me to have spinal surgery to remove some discs. He also said, if I do not have them removed, I could be a paraplegic in a few years time.

They tell me that I'm a very lucky man to still be alive. Sometimes I think that I am just unlucky not to be dead. They say you are still here because you have some unfinished business. But they never talk about the pain that comes with living.

I got this website from watching the movie “Final Destination 2”.

My experience was not a personal near death experience, But I did experience the death of My Grandma. Here is how the experience went.

I was helping my neighbors fix some things in their apartment when I suddenly felt totally spaced out and tired. I told my neighbor that I needed to go lay down for a while. I returned to my own apartment and laid down on the bed. I almost immediately went into a state where I was not asleep and not awake. I started reaching out with my hand and grasping at the air. (Strangely I knew that it was not me that was in danger. ) I could feel the chest getting heavier and heavier. All of the sudden I was looking at a strange room through someone else’s eyes. I looked around the room and saw my aunt standing next to the bed that I was lying on. She was holding my hand. I could feel a tremendous bond between these two people that seemed to transcend all time. It was literally an unbreakable bond. I could feel energy go up my arm into my aunt’s body and come back down into my body. At that point in time, the view faded out as though someone did a fade out at the end of a movie. All of a sudden we were at an aerial tram setup, that went into a park and then up into the mountains. I do not know where. But there was a problem with the tram. There was a tremendous urgency to fix the tram. I did some repairs on the tram and the people got on the tram and the tram went off into the distance. As the tram left, the scene faded out again as though the camera were doing a fadeout at the end of a movie. I suddenly had the sensation of being pulled backwards and then falling. The fall seemed to last about 20 seconds. I slammed back into my body and I could feel the bed go down from the impact. I woke up at that time, and the first thought I thought was “that crap is finally over.” I felt really good and had a real feeling of accomplishment. I walked out into the kitchen and there was a message on my answering machine from my dad that that my grandma had died. I suddenly had a vision of my aunt again, and a really big feeling of grief and remorse, and a feeling that a tremendous loss had occurred. I honestly think I was feeling my aunt’s feelings at the time. There were feelings associated with this event that cannot be described. I have thought about it a lot since then and it has had a major impact on my life. I talked to my mom a short time later about this and this is what she told me.

FACTS IN THE SITUATION
1. My grandma died of congestive heart failure
2. My aunt was holding my grandma’s hand when she died.
3. My grandma opened her eyes and looked at my aunt before she died.
4. I was asked by my mom how I knew all this information. I told her the story and all that I had seen and her jaw about hit the floor

CONCLUSION
I do not know why I was brought in to witness this but I felt there was a definite purpose to my being there. I think I was part of the bond between my Grandma and aunt. I had a feeling that we had been through a lot together. I feel it was necessary for me to be there for my Grandma to move on. And I will see my Grandma again when this life is over.

Anyway that is my experience. Although it was not exactly a personal NDE It was a rather unique and personal experience.

I was taken to the hospital because I could barely breathe. When I got to the hospital, the nurses and doctors were trying to ask me what was wrong. So I tried to answer, but as I tried to tell them I could barely breathe, all the breath I had just seemed to blow right out of me like a gust of wind. I couldn't breathe in. So I remember pretending that I was at swimming lessons when I was little when I was able to hold my breath the longest. Then all of a sudden I saw all my (deceased) family members come towards me (in hospital beds... like the one I was in...) they were all surrounding me. Then my (deceased) father's face was right in front of me (he died when I was 10 of a heart attack). There seemed to be a white light or substance surrounding his face. He was just looking right into me. Then a yellow light or substance started coming downward towards my dad's face (which I seemed to 'know' was my (recently deceased) twin brother). Then all of a sudden, I seemed to be 'awake' and wondering what was over my shoulder. It was my fiancée crying, telling me 'Don't go! Don’t go.” Then I was fine. Then the doctor checked me out, said I was fine, and could go home. So I don't really know what happened. Apparently, I was there for 6 hours, but I only thought I was there for 15 minutes? No one (any deceased family members) ever 'said' anything to me... But it seemed like they were saying that I wasn't suppose to go.

So I don't know if this was a NDE or not but my life seems to be totally different. I just go with the flow now; whereas before, I was so scared (I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I am not even worried about the future anymore (and I don't even have any immediate family members who are alive except one brother who I don't see because he is in hiding from the bad things he's done).

This is the first chapter of a manuscript I'm working on. It may be a little long for your needs, but I hope that it is helpful to you. But please keep in mind that I do intend to publish this in a book soon.

A Walk in Time

I was in Concord, California staying with an aunt. On March seventeen, nineteen eighty-seven, I awoke early to a thunderous single beat of my heart and a fast, deep gasp of air. My eyes flew open to the pain in my chest, as I realized that I hadn't been breathing for quite some time. Fear shot through me as it never had before, along with the realization that I was alive. Alive was the only word in my mind. My body felt only fragmentarily connected to the rest of me. It was unbearably heavy with a loss of control uncharacteristic to me. My once comfortable body was now strangely foreign, responding to my commands only with great effort as I stumbled my way into the living room.

I sat staring into space, attempting to steady my hands and control my erratic breathing. I coughed, sensing that I couldn't speak. No matter how I tried, I couldn't make a single sound. I would later learn that this symptom meant that I had been dead for about twenty minutes. I managed to light the first of an endless series of cigarettes, undoubtedly one of the most important things to do after a major heart attack.

I was grateful the baby was still asleep and my aunt had already left for work for the day, as I began reliving in vibrant mental and emotional detail what had happened and where I'd been.
I'd gone to bed the night before as usual, with no strenuous exercise during the day. Nothing at all was out of the ordinary. I'd gone shopping, made dinner, and watched television after putting my nine and a half month old daughter down for the night.

I slept soundly, until the early morning hours when I suddenly seemed to awaken in a dark, cloud-like haze. A brilliant and comforting light shone through the clouds beyond. I was alone and knew immediately without a single doubt that I had died. I couldn't remember what had happened, how old I was or a single detail about my life at all. I did know that somehow I hadn't completed my life and that it had ended violently. I wondered, as I began to cry, if all dead people had trouble remembering.

Somehow, I also knew that I would be met by someone who would help me and send me on my way to eternity. As I thought that a figure appeared at my left. She was short and kind, with a large head. She seemed somehow familiar, but I didn't recognize her. She confirmed, telepathically, that I had indeed died. She said, "You may have whatever you wish by imagining having it, be wherever you wish by imagining being there.”

My first thought was of how I'd come to be a spirit. Instantly, I was transported into the past to witness my death. Time suddenly had no meaning at all. My guide remained at my left side, holding my hand, answering my questions and comforting me. I saw myself arrive home to a small townhouse. I knew I was coming in from work to pick something up before rushing out to pick up the kids. As I reached the front door to leave, a neighbor I scarcely knew knocked, and then forced his way in. I watched helplessly as he raped and murdered my body.

I covered my face with my hands, as my spirit rose to leave. Mourning for the new baby I would never give birth to and hold, I saw my murderer run away. I also saw the police arrive, and I followed the detective until he caught the man. Eventually, I went to my own wake. As I stared down at my body in the light blue and white casket, I remembered they had been my favorite colors. I suddenly understood that they had been theme colors for a lifetime of emotions to be experienced and expressed.

Around me were friends and relatives. I could hear what they were thinking and feel their grief as clearly as I thought my own thoughts and felt my own emotions. I was stunned to realize how very much I'd been loved. I began to cry again because I couldn't let them know that I had loved them all just as much back. I reached to touch the face which could no longer show my tears. I no longer had cheeks to wipe or a nose to blow. I cried harder. I wondered who would raise my children. I would never write the books I'd so wanted to write. My poems would never see the light of day.

I realized for the very first time that during the course of my life, survival had gotten in the way of what I'd wanted to do, in the way of what I now realized I'd come into life to accomplish. My feelings of devastation were beyond any I had known during life. I couldn't change it now, I knew that I'd have to go through the birth process again because of it. There were two people at my wake whose acts towards me I'd been unable to forgive in life. I was still angry with them and will always remember the hate I felt. I'll not soon forget the love coming from their hearts for me either. My husband and children arrived. I hadn't known marriage could be so right before we'd met, so peaceful and happy. It had ended much too soon. He lifted each child to kiss me good-bye, Janna, Jamie, and little Corey, just three years old. Corey could see and hear me still. I spoke with him about being brave and not forgetting me.

I thought of my eldest son, Chet, who was with his father. I was with him immediately, watching as he received the news, unable to comfort and hold him. He went into his bedroom and I watched as he committed suicide. "Would you like to see what would have happened had you written and published?" my guide asked. I nodded. I was far above the earth after sunset. The colors were a magnificent sight, and I'll always remember them. All across the globe, little sparks of light flickered like the flames of candles burning. I saw time pass into decades and beyond. ”They are the flickering hearts of those you would have touched," my guide explained.

As the scene ended another began. I saw myself in a large, beautiful house in the country in Mill Valley, California. I was working at a computer, as the children came and went from the large family room I'd made into my office as well. Gone was the small townhouse and crowded neighborhood in which I'd lived and died only moments before. There was so much peace in that house, so much happiness and laughter. I somehow knew that doing what I'd been born to do had produced so much harmony. This house and the events taking place there haunted me for months afterward. It was as though the house and the people there wanted to re-enforce the messages they had given me. How I wished I could do it all again, live again, breathe, hug and kiss my children again. Even as my very soul grieved, I knew it could never be. My guide carefully placed a spirit hand on my shoulder. ”You can," she said. With all the force of a massive collision, I was in my body again and awake. I have never been more grateful for the simple act of waking up.

I had had a heart attack just a month before my thirty second birthday. I was terrified at the prospect. I'd just found the reality in my life, just discovered as much of normality as I thought I ever might. I knew I was out of shape because of the baby and the Hepatitis B. I hadn't known at the time that I'd had mononucleosis and CMV too. Still, I'd been out of shape before, and nothing had ever happened to me. It didn't seem possible that I'd aged so much in the seven short years since my last child. Going to the hospital entered my mind, but I couldn't have spoken to anyone. I didn't know at the time that being incapable of talking, I could have just dialed 911, and waited for a response, or I would have. When I could speak, I didn't know what to say. I thought about admitting to having just had the most dramatic out-of-body experience I'd ever heard of, but didn't think I would be believed. I didn't know what to do.

I grabbed a notebook and my favorite pen. I spent the next several days in almost nonstop writing. In retrospect, I realized that my oldest son had been fourteen years old at the time of my death. That meant the date had to have been at least August of nineteen ninety-two. It was March of nineteen eighty-seven. I'd never heard of Mill Valley, California before. I finally found it on a map. It really did exist, and I've been told, is considered the New Age capital of the West Coast. There were people at the wake I didn't know. Since that time, I have met them. Jamie and Corey have not been born and won't be. I would eventually understand that they had been symbols for events to take place in my life. The name Corey means the same thing in Gaelic that my real first name means in Cherokee, which is Little Stream. Corey was symbolic for finding myself. I had transcended time within transcending time. It was a view of my tomorrow with options. I'd seen where I was going and was given the opportunity to change the course to a better one. After writing it all down, the messages were startlingly clear. I had some choices to make.

I ended my search for a job. This book had begun. I let the baby-sitter go. The family clans went into an uproar. They have all gotten over it. I started going back to college. I am writing now, and though things do get in the way at times, I don't let them be permanent distractions. I had faced my fears of death and conquered them. I understood that I'd feared death because I'd feared a lack of completion in my life. I won't let that happen now, so there is no fear. I also know that there is no real death, no lack of conscious awareness afterwards. I'd still been the person I had always been. I didn't just end. I'd still had the same thoughts and emotions I'd always had. I was still me. I didn't know where so much had come from. I wondered if God did sometimes intervene in our lives. I wondered if death was really like that, imagining and having, mental and emotional telepathy. I worried about my son Chet. I thought a long time about my deceased mother. I wondered where she was and what she was learning. I wondered if she had company and what her life was like now. Most of my questions would eventually be answered, but it would take a while. Next came the elephants. My guides would later torment me for months about them, as well as my refusal to write seriously about them.

It was after my son had been taken out of me and they were sewing me back up. I felt it was getting very hard to breath, and I really needed to fight to say in control. I then noticed I was flying away from my husband. I was going side ways away from him, like down a tunnel but on my side. The distance between us was getting greater. I could see my son, and then I heard a male/female voice say it was time to go home. I felt very angry (my husband and I had lost 3 babies via miscarriage) and our son had just come into this world. I was in no way ready to leave my family as they needed me and I wasn't ready to move on. I told the voice to forget it, I was not ready and that was that. The anesthetist told me I was very brave, and he seemed to know how close I had been to going out. I later found out I had lost a large amount of blood so much the floor was covered. I saw the shocked looks on the theater nurses faces as they looked at the blood all over the floor. I nearly had a stroke a few days later. I was too ill to breast feed though I tried to do so for four days. It took a long time for me to reconnect to my world. I knew I was given this chance because I was so sure I had things still to do. My dad did not come for me, so I knew I could stay, and so I did. Dad’s got a really strong sense of time, and he would have been there on the other side if I had been due in. I guess they were just testing my resolve and found I had a lot of miles left in me yet.

I had had an illegal abortion, crudely performed. Afterwards, I became infected from my head to my feet. I was in excruciating pain. My friend decided to take me to the emergency room. There was a wild thunderstorm, I remember. I could not get my shoes on; I nearly passed out. My friend helped me and got me into the car. I remember we came to a railroad crossing, with a train going by. We had to stop and wait. I was in the back seat, barely able to withstand the pain. Then suddenly I knew I was dying. Time seemed insignificant, I don't remember at what point it happened. I think we were still waiting for the train to pass. All of a sudden, I felt myself lifted out of my body. I did not look down at myself, in fact, I don't remember looking anywhere. But the feeling was as though I was being taken into the arms of God, a concept I had never considered. Every sorrow, all grief, heartbreak, disappointment, loss, resentment, was gone. It was simply handled, period. I then felt the most unbelievable love, mercy and peace that I could ever imagine. In fact, one can't imagine it; it simply doesn't exist on this plane of consciousness! There are no words to describe it, and so I just have to "know" it. It was the greatest gift I have ever known.

During a 4th of July party, a friend of mine inserted a large firecracker into an empty beer can and threw it at my feet. I heard it hit the ground and looked down at it just as it went off. The explosion was like a hand grenade. A large piece of the can penetrated my skull through my nose and into my right eye, which was severed in two. I was instantly blinded and started bleeding severely. My friends rushed me to a clinic, but they were not equipped to handle as severe a wound as I had. I was taken to a large hospital, I do not know how. I was left laying on a gurney until a proper ophthalmologist could be contacted. I remember a large pressure bandage being placed over the right side of my head. There was severe pain.

My next sight was of me laying on the gurney, only I was 30 to 40 feet above looking down. My thoughts were 'why doesn't someone help this poor guy?' I then noticed that it was me. I felt a very cool breeze on my back, like standing in front of an air conditioner on a hot day. I turned to see what it was and it was a hole in a black background, a very bright white hole, about a foot in diameter. It was so bright, but it didn't hurt my eyes, like one would shield themselves from looking at the sun. It was many times brighter than the sun, but it was relaxing. I looked back at me and I was growing farther away, and the hole was getting bigger. Now I noticed the cool pleasantness of the light. There was no pain. There was no noise. I was very curious and approached the light, which was all around me by now. I knew I was not going back to the hell of life; it was too beautiful where I was. The cool breeze blew in my face and I felt it all through my body. I had no sense of restrictions. There was no need of anything. I was also very hungry and drunk at the time, but I had no sense of either symptom. I was fully prepared to enter the light, but took one last look back at the pitiful wretch that was me. Suddenly, I saw a nurse come to my face; she drew her hand back and slapped me as hard as she could. I was immediately back into my body, in pain, bleeding, half blind, hungry and drunk. I curse her to this day. She thought she was saving a life, but she was simply prolonging what I look forward to, that I know will come.

I have heard other 'tales' of experiences, some of which are utter fallacy, but I know what I had seen, and I tell you that I saw the nurse hit me. I can describe what she wore and her funny little hat, and I saw her hit me WITH BOTH EYES! She later came to my room and told me what she did, and she looked at me like I was crazy when I told her I saw her do it. I have no fear of death, and neither should anyone else. In daily life, I know things that are going to happen, but only after they have happened. I guess you could say that I am clairvoyant, but it is not important to me. Death is not the last action for humanity.

I had gone to a state park with my grandmother and family friends. This was my first time to be in the water as my mother had a fear of the water. And since my mother wasn't around, I got to play a lot. I did not know at the time there was a wall separating two different areas of depth. But the wall looked very inviting to me to jump off of. I jumped into the deep side and wondered why I was able to stay down so long. I remember thinking this was really a wonderful feeling being in this wonderful place. I remember it being warm, loving, and very, very pleasant. Just about the time I was really enjoying the feeling, our friend Helen pulled me out and scolded me for jumping in and being under so long. At the time I did not realize what had happened. I just remembered how wonderful it was being there and not wanting to leave. It was not too long after that, that I started hearing voices in my head advising me what to do and what not to do. It seemed to be instruction. Also, I remember seeing auras. Of course, at the time I did not know what any of this was. It was just things that I saw and heard. Also, I seemed to be very aware of people's feelings. I became quite introverted and lonely. I did not learn what any of this meant until I started putting things together while reading "Full Circle" by Barbara Harris. I still have intuitive encounters and other psychic things happen to me. I can supply them if you want them. At any rate, I think this is probably what happened to me at 5 yrs old, and I just now was able to put a name on it.

Thank you

In 1987, my sister (one year younger than I) died of breast cancer after two years with the disease. In 1990, I discovered a lump in my left breast, and after a visit to my GP, I was to have a mammogram and ultrasound. In light of my sister’s recent death, I was obviously very concerned about my own health. That night I went to bed as usual when suddenly there was a "being" standing(?) beside me and the impression I got was that I had been "told" I was being taken to see my sister. We "walked" upwards through a "tunnel" not particularly dark as in black, but dark bluish, I was very aware of the "being" (my maternal grandmother came to my mind but I can't be sure) "walking" with me and felt quite comfortable with them, but I couldn't see the "being.” Suddenly we were through the "tunnel" and entered a brightly lit (sunny?) paved courtyard bordered by a low brick retaining wall beyond which was beautiful lawn on which "walked" other "beings". To the left was another low brick wall and the impression of a fence just beyond it. On that wall sat some "beings" (impression) and my sister, who had her head bent over some hand sewing she was doing. I have to say that my sister was never one to sit and sew. As we drew close to her she looked up at me and said, "go back, it's not your time yet!” I sensed some frustration in her voice, which was exactly how she would have reacted. Immediately I was back, awake and in my bed. I continue to be in awe of my experience, which I know without doubt was not a dream, despite having people try to convince me otherwise, not by my family however.

I was riding an off-road vehicle, and I suddenly found that I had taken a wrong turn and was going off the edge of a cliff. I thought I was surely going to die as I was flung over the handlebars and into a mid-air summersault. As I was spinning around, I found myself looking up and the four-wheeler I was riding on was coming down right on top of me. If I survived the fall, this thing was going to finish me by crashing down over me. It was then as if time stopped and went into freeze-frame. I suddenly realized I could do something and divert the trajectories of myself and the vehicle. I don't know how in a fraction of a second I could have become so clear and be able to act to change the outcome. I raised my right arm and gave a mighty push to the four-wheeler and sent myself spinning to the left, as I was still in that forward summersault. A moment after I impacted the ground, I was wondering if I was just dreaming I had survived. I had to pinch myself. Within a short time, a tremendous pain in my shoulder convinced me I indeed survived. My left shoulder was shattered, but I had survived. I could never understand why time seemed to stop and how I could have reacted that fast. It was as if everything else slowed down, or that I was somehow speeded up and thus everything else seemed slow. It was just enough time to avert almost certain disaster. The project I started four years later after a similar experience is now a butterfly peace and healing initiative spreading around the world. I guess I'm still here because I had something to do. What is really amazing is that the butterfly is often associated with this kind of experience [ref Judy Guggenheim, who wrote Hello from Heaven]. Welcome to the magical world of butterflies and serendipity. May Peace Prevail on Earth!

I was reading some entries on an associated website and was struck by the similarity between those and this entry from my diary reproduced verbatim. To set the context, I was seriously depressed and suffering from emotional pain I couldn't stand much longer. I wasn't really inspired to record my thoughts and feelings - but felt this experience was meant to teach me something. I wanted to record it whilst still fresh so that I could refer back and make sense of it.

3 Jan 1999: Last night I was reading (a book from a friend who was also undergoing an extremely distressing time) and decided to ask for guidance. I saw a deep crimson velvet heart like a box. When opened, there was a flame inside. I couldn't quite get an answer and fell asleep still struggling to understand. I had an epic dream which seemed to last for hours. When I was still awake, I first saw a girl with a sneer and hard eyes, and long blonde hair. I asked for "someone benevolent.” In my dream, I was guided by a woman with brown hair. I saw her in two or three places, but she always had the same eyes and that's how I knew it was still her. The first parts of the dream were very deep. I know I was asking questions and was receiving guidance, and I think I was satisfied - or even cheered - by these responses, but I have no idea now what I learned. I wish I knew. Then a more lucid bit came when this woman said, “You can still set yourself free, if you believe, you only have to ask.” She carried on speaking and I interrupted her because I sensed I was running out of time: "Who do I ask?" In the meantime, this woman was saying, "This drinking - it's an attack on your feminine side.” And in response to my question, she said, "Well, that's the ironic thing - it's you who's doing this to yourself - you ask yourself.”

I think possibly before that I had a strong sense that I wasn't going to make it back from this journey, and I started to pray. I remember making the sign of the cross and saying I loved (something) and saying "give my love to God.” This woman gave me a sidelong look and I knew she was thinking, "You know you don't mean "God"", and I reminded myself: the universe is God. I continued (dark, misty) away (from life?) and prayed so hard that this wouldn't hurt my loved ones too much. I prayed that they knew how much I loved them, and for their protection. I realized that just because I was passing over to the other side, it didn't help me to understand what happens there. I asked that my loved ones could know that I was missing them just as they were missing me, even though I'd gone over. I prayed, "I don't know how, but I pray to God that one day we will all be reunited.” I passed on and saw there were others there. In a lighter (still misty) patch, I saw school children and especially noticed a teenage girl and boy. I wondered if they were those who had died of meningitis after Christmas. I carried on to a darker misty place, as if passing over a city at night - it was cold - and towards a light, like a lit doorway. I felt this was a challenge to me to test my will to come back. (It was very welcoming and felt safe and warm and loving - but it also felt wrong of me to go there.) I seemed to make it because I found myself back at the entrance to the place I'd been before, in a queue (how English) which led up a winding staircase in a well-lit building. I saw her again and seized the opportunity to ask her more questions. On the landing, where we were set to go in different directions, I hurriedly asked her if this meant I was to live. She hesitated and said, "yes... but we may be called back here again in about a month...” I thought, "But I don't want to die in a month! I want to live until I'm old!” She continued, ” … but there is a possibility that might be extended until...” (an idea of 80+ years of age entered my head). As she left, I thought, "but I'm not an angel - I'm a person!” Then I wondered as I awoke if she was too, and had just come to guide and heal me, and if I would go back just to do the same, not to leave this life. I wish I knew what I had learned.

I had a massive heart attack. Fortunately, I was at the emergency room. I felt no pain; I just slipped away. The next thing I knew I was in a large room, like old photos of inside Ellis Island. There were no windows on the ground floor but there was much light from the windows above. The entire hall was filled with tables like a school cafeteria, and they all had lights hanging above them. I was dressed for work and went to my table. Although there were no directions, I knew exactly where I was going and I sensed that I belonged there. I was not afraid. I only remember a tremendous peace and somehow I felt as though I belonged. I never thought about my family or anything, it was all about me. The next thing I remember were many voices calling me, and I awoke as they carted me to the cath lab. I’ve had two open heart surgeries since; the last one I almost didn’t make it through. After seven days of no sleep, I slipped into sleep deprivation psychosis. My blood pressure dropped and I was being kept alive by a computer. That night I could no longer fight, and I gave my life to God and resigned myself to die. I could hear the prayers of people praying for me and I fell asleep. I awoke the next morning and I felt warmth cover me from head to toe. A voice told me I was not through. That day I pulled through, and two days later I was in a private room and walking down the hall.

I was 13 years old. I don’t know if I died or not. I had double pneumonia. I guess I passed out because I couldn’t breathe. The next thing I knew, I was floating above my body. I had hands and feet and could see and hear every thing going on in my bed below. I could hear them saying he is too young to have passed away. I kept trying to tell them that I was not dead. They could not hear me. I began to see a light coming towards me. I could feel a love present as the light got larger, and a warmth of great compassion inside the light. There was a figure inside the light that talked to me without using words and said, "You have to go back you have something you must do.” When I was there, I was thinking this must be Jesus. I asked him a lot of question about where is heaven. He showed me what I will be doing in heaven. He told me that, and answered a lot of other question. I don’t know who you are at the other end of this computer. You will never know that love in this life. He is a wonderfully brother to us, and we have wonderful things to do when you or I go back to that light to stay. This he also told me: the work that I have done for the last 15 years is me trying to express some of the love that our brother has for us to those in need. But believe me I could not express that love in 10 life-times of work.

Sorry I don’t spell that well, I so want to get into what he told me at this time. But it [was] wonderful for you and I both.

[a child of the light]

I would like to get as much information as I can about this if I could. I don't know if this is a near death experience or not. Here is my story. In 1999 I was in the hospital. At 8:15 p.m. I quit breathing. My wife told me that by the time the doctors worked on me and let her back in the room to see me it was 9:00 p.m. The only thing I remember is that I thought that I was in some sort of waiting area and I was having a very INTENSE argument with a black clergy man. He said - "J, God is with you now - it is time to go." I told him that I could not go because my granddaughter needs me right now and would not understand. The more we argued the more intense it got until I heard my wife’s voice calling me and I woke up.

In 1985, I had been feeling extremely tired for months, when I had some dental work done. The dentist decided to put me in the hospital to cut out some wisdom teeth, as I had Raynaud’s disease. Upon admission to the hospital, a pre-op was done, which included a chest x-ray. They later came in and told me that my heart was appearing double its size in the x-ray. They later decided that I had fluid around the heart, which made it appear so. Within the next 10 days, they went in to my heart-lining with a needle and would withdraw the fluid. Within 2 to 3 days it would build up again. Each time it would be from 560 to 650cc's of fluid. They finally decided to go in and operate, to take out part of the heart lining, so the fluid could not build up, as they could not find out why it was doing this.

They took me into surgery and administered the anesthetic and I sank down into oblivion. All of a sudden, I heard a nurse say, "Doctor, her pressure is dropping.” She said this three times and by the third time, her voice was sounding panicky. It was at this point that I realized I could hear exceptionally clear. I cannot describe the clarity of my hearing. I could have heard a pin drop. I felt as though I had been fighting a difficult battle and I just gave up. I gave into an over-whelming feeling of defeat. It was at this point that I heard a voice say, "you are judging yourself much too harshly.” A feeling of complete, total relaxation came over me. It was as if I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and it had been removed with that one sentence. I knew that I had been unconditionally forgiven for any wrongs I felt I had done throughout my life. I felt myself starting into a total darkness, but I was not afraid. I started moving along in this black tunnel, when all of a sudden I was brought back to the harsh lights in the recovery room. The pain in my chest was intense. Both sides of my ribs hurt and I felt as though I had a hot iron on the inside of my chest. When I totally awoke, I also found a V-shaped mark in the center of my chest. I was in the ICU 10 days after that.

I felt as if I had been going to my true home and was forced back here. I did not want to come back. The peacefulness and serenity I had felt, I cannot even begin to describe in mere words. I wish I could say that this changed me into a much better person, but after returning home, I totally turned the opposite of what I was. My marriage almost ended. I went from a shy-retiring person to a party type. I felt for a long time that I was just visiting here on earth, and I really wanted to return to my true home. It took a few years before I finally returned back to my normal self. During that time though, I had hurt many of my loved ones with my actions. I am now no longer fearful of death, for I know that it is just the closing of one door and the opening of another.

I came across your website and thought that perhaps you might be interested in my experience below. I am not sure as to whether this counts as a NDE, as there seems only a few of the common incidents. This is probably far too verbose but if the contents are of interest, please feel free to edit my notes. Equally, I am unsure whether biographical information is required. I append some details if needed. My name is B and at the time was 62 years old. I have a somewhat elderly and very ordinary physics qualification (1960), and spent the first 15 years in research laboratories doing research into communication in the presence of noise. I was persuaded to leave research and apply my experience into the design and management of large communication systems. Over the next 15 years, I designed and installed a variety of networks both international and national. In 1990, I took a profitable early retirement and formed my own company carrying on the same work.

In 1997, my life style (too much eating, drinking, smoking and working) caught up me and my heart called it a day, obliging me to close my company and give up work. I have yet to establish a satisfactory explanation for some experiences I had during 1997 (and I refer to notes that I made in as soon as I was able to type). I suffered a series of heart attacks and was admitted to the intensive care unit of my local hospital. After about a week, I became much worse and was transferred to another hospital where I underwent emergency heart surgery and had a quadruple bypass.

Two days after the operation everything started to go wrong, and in fact, I was unconscious under full life support for an extra 8 weeks. I knew nothing of this until I woke at the in a completely terrified state (which apparently is not unusual). I had no idea where I was or what was real, having had the rather unpleasant and very vivid dreams as described below. (These dreams are still as vivid today as when I woke.)

Principal Dream Episodes: Much of the dream (or dreams) are now unclear. In particular, the order of episodes is confused. However, a number of distinct phases can still be remembered. I dreamt that I was due for a major operation and was already in a motorized wheel chair and was in a hospital. I decided that I would have a last night of freedom and somehow left the hospital, still in the motorized wheelchair. The next thing I remember is returning to a hospital, which I knew, and also I knew it was a different hospital to the one I had left. The staff in this hospital seemed more amused than angry at my sudden appearance and decided to test me for pregnancy. I dreamt that I was in bed in the hospital and in a tower block. To my horror all the staff, when they thought they were unobserved, turned into little silver entities with round featureless heads. They were busy carrying other silver spheres, which I somehow knew to be patients who had died. I managed to get up to the top of the tower to try to defeat these aliens. I decided that a photoflash would kill them. A program of flashing at everybody in the UK was set up under my direction.

It now gets very confused, as if several dreams were occurring together. In my dream I knew that I was in intensive care (I did not know where nor did I know why I was there). I was in a high bed and my family was around me. My eldest daughter was there and was herself. My wife was there and was unchanged. My youngest daughter was there but her name was Miriam, and she was some sort of priestess (pagan) dressed in a long back robe, and had an emblem, an inverted crescent moon, round her neck. She was married to an Asian from America who was also some kind of priest. My son was not there at first, but I knew that he was a priest (Christian) and married with a large number of children. He was also associated with a pop group, which had a major hit. The record started off with a religious chant (which I loved) and then went into a dreadful pop stuff. Everybody thought I liked the •••• thing, and not only did they play the record non-stop through loudspeaker high up on my right, but the pop group came and played their hit by my bedside. Miriam's husband turned out to be one of the aliens, and because he came from America I had reprogram the flash device in kill off the next bunch of aliens. The bed that I was in was quite high and attached to me were a number of pipes, which led to a huge tank in the hospital grounds. A chap called George ran this facility. The tank was full of bits of people and other things and had a large drain at the bottom. I dreamt that I was led out to the tank (still in my bed or wheelchair) and I knew that I was going to be tipped down the drain. I remember now that I was very frightened, but determined that I would not disappear without trace and as we passed by the metal support of the tank, I reached out and placed my wedding ring, my watch and a handful of money on a shelf. We arrived at the drain, and I was tipped down this black plastic hole. I fell through and landed in bright sunlit, to my considerable surprise and relief. Both my son and Miriam were there and as I lay helpless on my back, Miriam who was still dressed in her priestess role, leant over me and said with sadness that this was all for the best and plunged a long dagger into my heart.

I am unsure as to whether the next episodes came after or before the above but I relate them as they come back into memory. I was in St. Paul's cathedral in London and was involved in an “entertainment” of some religious significance although I have no idea what. My part was at the end, where I suddenly appeared at the front of the stage dressed in a golden body suit and posing with arms and legs outstretched as though I was on a cross. The next thing, I found myself reclining, still in the golden body suit, on a collection of rocks. In front of me was a set of gates separating two towers. To the left there was seemed to be a bearded face, which I knew to be an enemy and indeed was diabolical. As I watched, the face started to rush towards me, and I pointed my hand at the oncoming face and forced it back with a ball of golden fire. I think that I returned to this dream sequence many times and each time I became weaker. I knew that I was in the most terrible danger, and I very clearly remember (even after this time) raising my left arm and pointing to the sky and calling out “O God help me and if You do I will make an act of contrition.” (I have no idea what I meant!) Out of the corner of my eye, I then saw a blue tide washing over the rocky scene coming in from the left ,and I felt a warmth and great strength being “fed” into me. I saw a huge hand coming down from above, holding a golden sheet and placing it behind me behind some tiles arranged in a circle

This last episode is the principal dream sequence which is causing the soul searching. I have yet to reach a satisfactory explanation. These notes are being written nearly year after the events, but the sequence below is still vivid in my mind and I have to understand what, if anything, it means. What did I experience, if anything? The real problem with this type of experience is that is subjective with no objective evidence to support it. I think normally that I would have dismissed the whole thing as a drug induced hallucination, but for the fact (this can be verified) that as soon as I woke, I was most insistent that my wife answer a question: where was my wedding ring? Somewhat puzzled, she told me that she had taken it off together with my watch and they were at home. I told her about the dream sequence where I had been bunged down the hole. I was then able to tell what was real and what was just a dream. I told my wife about the “religious episode” thinking that it would entertain her. There was an uncomfortable silence and I learnt for the first time the seriousness of my condition.

Since then I have tried to understand just what if anything really happened. There seem to be only a few possibilities, none of which is completely satisfying. Just coincidence and none of the dream episodes are meaningful. A drug induced hallucination. If a drug induced hallucination, what triggered it? A real transcendental experience? Did I become aware of my situation despite being deeply unconscious There seems no doubt that at times I was “aware” of my surroundings: for example, Pat played one of my tapes and tears rolled down my cheeks, Pat asked me if I disliked the music and I am told that I nodded. Apparently the staff never discussed my condition within earshot, but it could be that I did hear something even in my drugged state, and realized my danger. I have been reading about work carried with ketamine in order to produce NDE-like experiences, and although this seems to be the most likely explanation, I still cannot understand, if that is the case, where did I get the strength to stabilize after 28 arrests in the half hour. My condition was such that serious consideration was being given to switching off the life support. (Note added in 1998: my cardiologist tells me that I made a serious attempt at dying with a total of 75 arrests, which would appear to be a record as far as he knows.) I have tended to assume that the time of maximum danger was the period referred to above, but I continued to arrest, although nowhere near the frequency. I also was suffering from a multitude of organ failures of varying severity. Did I continue to draw strength throughout, or was there but one “injection” which was sufficient to carry me through. If a transcendental experience, what was it that gave me the strength? Was this a religious experience? Is there, contrary to all my previous beliefs, a personal God? Regards

After an appendix operation, as they were trying to bring me round, I could not breathe, I felt as though as I was suffocating, I was feeling intense pain, I could not see anything but could hear everything that was going off in the operating theatre. After a few seconds, I was at my shoulder level, no pain. Next second, I was back in my body, intense pain once more. Then again, instantly I was a little further away from my body, again at shoulder level, no pain again. At this time I was thinking, Good grief, what are my daughter and dogs going to do without me? Again I whizzed back into my body, intense pain, Next time, a little further away from my body, thinking this time, :no pain, but there will be an article in the local press tomorrow: woman dies during routine appendix operation.: Whoosh, back in my body again, excruciating pain. Then relief, again a little further away from my body. No pain, what relief, still no sight like other people have said, but sound and totally rational thinking when I was not in my body. Next second, back to the agony. By this time the theatre staff realized that I was having trouble, and they said, she is going cyanosed; they said, “Let the machine breathe for you.” What relief. I woke up in intensive care on life support. But I have since said that if I had died, my spirit, soul or whatever would have still been there.

The narrative above describes two of my experiences. I have also had other events that have changed me. I have true seen a ghost of a young lady at the road side, at night, in a very dense fog. I will never forget the eyes. They were empty. I thought I had hit her; I stopped the car and backed up. No one was there but she had been there. She was white with a white flowing dress and looked to be 14-17 years of age. My boyhood home was built on the exact site of where a church had burned. Some of the lumber in our home was from the burned out church. We played in the grave yard as kids. The house was filled with sounds at night. Heavy foot steps on the roof, scraping in the window screens and a family constantly in torment.

Two years ago as I sat at my computer at 9:00 AM on a Sunday morning writing an article, I had a very strong vision of my father falling on a snow-covered sidewalk, striking his head, massive bleeding, and an ambulance taking him away. I also saw him dead. The sensation was extremely strong and I had to sit back in my chair to deal with it. At noon, three hour later, my father fell while entering a bowling alley that we had gone to for a birthday party. Everything happened as in the vision, and he died a few weeks later of complications of massive head trauma. I was extremely shaken a few hours after he fell and a surgeon came to me to talk. I told him of my vision, and that I might have been able to have stopped it. He looked at me and said that his father had told him of many like situations that he had experienced during WWII. The surgeon believed my story, and said he believed that something is available to us if we just knew how to deal with it. He too calmed me, and then walked away. Many things in business and research come true after I had envisioned them as much as a decade prior to the event. I do not want to use any ability for gain, but it haunts me to know that this ability exists. I have some very strong theories about what is going on and the nature of these abilities. I know I am not crazy and if my theories are correct it could change the nature of how mankind will exist in the future.

In 1973, I was scheduled for a routine cardiac catheterization. This was probably my sixth one in the span of my 18 years at the time. I was born with congenital malformations of the heart and had three corrective surgeries to repair the damage prior to this experience. I was nervous. All I could remember were the experiences I had had in the past which were terrifying. I was afraid this would be the same regardless of advances in the technique of the procedure. I was taken to the cath lab, and everything I had remembered about my past procedures came true. It was four hours of terror, due in part by a physician who at the time was a resident and was assisting the cardiologist performing the procedure. The whole matter was botched from the get go. When I was returned to my room, I was drained of every ounce of energy. It was an effort to take a breath. I ask the nurse for a drink’ she brought juice. I took a sip, and then vomited. I fell back on the bed, heard a scream for help, which I assume came from the nurse in attendance. The next thing I knew, someone was shaking me. I could not respond.

I began to drift away into what I thought was sleep and suddenly found myself back home watching my mother and my little brothers and sisters about the house. In an instant, I was aware of being among my relatives in Indiana, my birthplace. I saw each of my relatives going about their everyday routine. Suddenly I remember reciting the Act of Contrition aloud, but my lips were not moving. In that moment, I was soaring toward a great light. During this time, I noticed that I was passing cornfields and split-rail fences. There were folks waving to me as I was "flying" by. The feeling I had was one of great warmth and happiness. It was a joy I had never experienced before and haven't since. Very suddenly, I came to a stop and found myself in the presence of an iridescent golden light. I felt part of that light... joined to it if you will. At that moment I knew all that was, all that had been and all that was to come. Though I did not return to my body with the knowledge of my future as I had in the experience with the Great Light, I came back knowing that there was a plan.

I heard the words "it is not your time." I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and instantly was back in the bed at the hospital in great pain. When I opened my eyes, my father was at my side. There were IV's going and an oxygen mask on my face. My chest ached as though I had been hit directly in the center of it. I started to cry but I was so weak. I wanted to tell my father what had happened, but I couldn't, so I just drifted into sleep. Sometime later, I told the story. But my father just laughed at me and explained it as all in my imagination. I never spoke of the experience again until years later when I found out that a cousin who fell into a diabetic coma had a similar experience. He is the only one who knows the truth. I fill my days with thoughts of God and going to Him again. I am not afraid.

I had visited your web site, and thought I would share my experience with death with you! In 1979, I was in an accident on a motorcycle that left me with major injuries. At that time, I was 20 years old. I had died just minutes after reaching the hospital. Things I remember are seeing myself being worked on to bring me back to life. I never saw the light that so many talk about. However, I did feel the peaceful feeling that comes with death. I have never talked about this experience to any except my wife and children. I have always known that there is something on that other side that I will visit one day. I am not afraid of death anymore. Well, years have went by since then; now I'm 40 years old, had a lot of family trouble, got divorced and so on. It took a toll on me bad. Well, in 1997, I was drinking one night. I got to thinking about my life and that I had lost my family! So I took a gun and without hesitation put it to my head and pulled the trigger. From that point, I had a visit from a lady; don’t know who it was to this day. She was not from real life. she had told me I am not suppose to be there, that what I had done is very wrong, and that she was going to make it right again. This I had not told anyone either. Then I spent the next two weeks in a nightmare kind of state, living with awful things. Unlike the first time I died, she told me if I ever take my life again, this is what I would have to live with for eternity. Then I woke up in the hospital. I have come close to dying many times in my life: from drowning to almost getting shot during a hunting season. But I always seem to have some angel watching over me all the time. Am I special? I don’t know, but to someone in the after life I suppose I am. What my reason is for living I don’t know. Why I dodge death so many times, I don’t know either. But I do know I won’t take my life again by my own hand. That nightmare is one I don’t want again. So now days, I try to understand god and things and to be a good person. In my belief, I think I am still here learning good things in life and treating and loving people. I have hate for no other person on earth, no matter what they have done against me. That is my belief as of this day.

Thank you and what great research you have done!!!

I was hospitalized and put in traction after a car accident left me with a broken right femur in 1970. Because it was such a clean break, I had a hard time healing, so after three months of traction proved fruitless, the doctor decided to insert a steel plate in my leg to assist healing. I was scheduled for surgery in 1971 at 11:00 in the AM. At around 8:00, a nurse came in and gave me a hypo. About an hour later when the doctor came in, after checking my blood pressure, he asked if I had been given a hypo. When the nurse said I had, he instructed her to give me another one. He came back about an hour later and checked my pressure again. He asked me if I had any concerns. I told him I wasn't afraid of the surgery, but that I was scared of the traction being dismantled while I was still awake. He told me that I could be put to sleep in my room if I wanted, and that's what they did. When I fell asleep, I was in my room with the traction still attached. The next thing I remember was a blinding light shining in my eyes and I could her muffled discussion. It gradually became clearer (my eyesight, not the voices), and I could see the huge light from the operating table, and also the doctor with a mask on, and two nurses. I turned my head to the left and could see another man seated at my head (I now presume this to be the anesthesiologist). I thought to myself, "Oh my God, I'm waking up and they're not done with the surgery yet!" But then it occurred to me that nothing hurt!

Then in the next instant, I was up in the right hand corner of the room, watching them work on ME! I could see the back of the doctor's head, silver side of the light over the table, the tiles on the floor and walls, everything, very distinct. Then I felt a presence directing me to go through the building where the ceiling and walls met. When I did, the outside was (of course) a tunnel. I was at the entrance to it, and the “presence” had turned into three cloud-like, ghost-like beings. I sensed they were female, and they were very calming. They reached and held me under my armpits, although it didn't feel like they were touching me. They guided me through this tunnel. It was kind of V-shaped with the bottom of the V being where I started from. The opening got larger as I headed through it. The light at the end was Brilliant, and as we neared the opening, a form started to appear. At first, I couldn't quite make it out. But as we got closer, it formed into an elderly woman, whom I instinctively knew was very kind. I could see behind her and there was a beautiful garden in full bloom with all kinds of beautiful flowers. This woman looked a lot like my grandmother (who was still alive at the time), but yet I knew it wasn't her. I tried to go past her, I wanted badly to see the garden, but she put her arm out and stopped me. She bent down and hugged me (Why am I crying as I write this part?), and without any words, she told me that I couldn't stay. She said I had to go back. I was crying then and I told her I didn't want to and begged her to let me stay. She said that something had happened and I shouldn't have been there (I often wonder now if she meant at all or just right then). She said I wasn't finished yet. She said she'd come with me and, reluctantly, I went with her, crying all the way. When we turned around we were up in the corner of the operating room again, and there were the same people in the same setting. She gave me a little push and said, "Go on, now.” I turned back and reached my hand out to her and she held it for an instant. Then I was settling into my body and then I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in my hospital room and my mom was standing over my bed holding my hand. I immediately recounted the events with her.

Several months later, when we were visiting my grandmother I noticed a picture on her bookcase and shouted, "That's the woman I saw!!" My grandmother told me that it was her mother, my great-grandmother. I guess then it all fell into place. Even though we have a rather large extended family, up to that point no one that I knew had died. She was there because I would know her and we were family. I never had the opportunity to ask the doctor, or I didn't then because I thought he would think me nuts, but it was never discussed whether or not something life-threatening happened in the operating room. Every time I recall this experience it is as fresh in my mind as if it happened yesterday. I have no doubt that it happened. I was never in that operating room while I was conscious, yet I can describe it and the on-goings in there like it was my own back yard. I never really knew what it was that happened or why it happened to me until years later in my adult life when I saw a documentary on NDE's. I was mesmerized as I realized that is exactly what happened to me! It has a name and it happens to other people, too. I really don't feel the need to tell others, I am grateful that I experienced it, and I am thankful to you for the opportunity to express my feelings right here and right now. Thank you very much...

I was asleep and what I saw was a darkness come around me and I was scared, but then some light started to show and then hands, at first I was scared and then I was not. Then I started to see people coming to me, and they where family. Some I knew and some I never meet. They were dead long before I was born, but I knew them. I was not scared. Then there was a light at end of this tunnel, and I knew it was God in there and I was not scared. I felt at peace, but then I thought about my kid and how young I was. Then I heard a voice say, “It was not my time.” I woke up coughing and that scared me. I stayed up. I had dreams before of a gate. It was open a little bit and then the next night it was closed. This has made me not scared of death.

I was in bed at night and woke up with a hot fever. I called my mother, who was trained in nursing, to get me a glass of cold water. She took my temperature and it was one hundred and fifteen degrees. I went to sleep. Early in the morning, I opened my eyes and could see the sun shining through my window. Suddenly a deep, dark tunnel opened up at the foot of my bed leading up and outward. A being clothed in bright white garments, with a bright happy angelic face, appeared at the end of the tunnel at the foot of my bed. It stretched out its arms and said to me, "Come with me and all of your worries and problems will be over.” I decided to put it to the test, as I didn't believe problems would disappear just because I was not around. I asked the being what would happen to my younger brother and sister whom I protected from my mean sadistic older brother? The being turned dark and grimaced at me and said harshly, “Forget about them, think about yourself!" I said to it, "You're not an angel"! I wasn't going anywhere with that creature. I threw up its arms, covered its face, and said "Nooooooo" as it retreated back into the tunnel, which closed up on it and disappeared. I felt very good that I was not fooled into giving up my struggle to help my family by death. I noticed later that morning that I was covered with a lot of bumps. I had the chicken pox, which was a very severe case that lasted three weeks. I have never forgotten the experience, and I have only shared it with my younger siblings whom I have gladly looked after all of their lives and most of mine.

Anyway, ever since I was a child I have been able to see and feel someone watching over me. One time I was playing the piano a felt a very nice warm feeling over my shoulder I turned to see who it was and I saw a really big smile. I guess whoever it was, was proud of me at the time. As I went through school, I knew what the teachers were going to say at times before they said a word. I just sold my house and I left a ghost with it! It used to move things in my toy room, but never wanted to contact me except through a ouija board. I was able to get initials, but that was it. My hairs stood up really high so, I just let it be and played in my toy room. It would walk around in the room at night while we watched TV downstairs. I would usually yell upstairs for it to not to break anything.

Another thing that has been happening is a guy at work died a few years ago and I would see him at work playing hide and seek with me. If I told this to anyone they would think I'm nuts! I can tell you this though I haven't seen him in awhile. I think he finally went towards the light; I did tell him to do so. Another thing: I was at work and I kept on seeing red and yellow flashing lights. I left work and down the street at the corner, there was a fire at a warehouse! Leaving work, I was at a red light when it turned green. I sat there; I didn't know why until a tractor-trailer came running through a red light. Thank God for the intuition! I can go on. When my brother was baptized, the white cloth the Priest used to wipe the holy water off his forehead had blood on it and no one was bleeding. Another time one of my brothers had been run over by the family car and he was fine. The tire tracks went across his chest. These two brothers are twins also.

All my vital functions had shut down. I was not declared brain dead (yet), but my family had been "prepped" by the doctors of my impending death. I had bloated to 170 pounds (normally 120); my skin was black and cold. The doctors could not draw blood because it had thickened. I was not aware of my situation. I was in the most beautiful place I have ever seen. I was near a beautiful blue lake that was as smooth as glass except for the two swans gliding through the water. At one end of the lake, a large (willow) tree leaned from the bank over the water. The grass was green and deep. The sun was a beautiful golden color and the smell was that of a warm summer day, sweet and relaxing. Then I heard the music. It was music I have never heard before, beautiful and "angelic.” I tried to distinguish the instruments, but I was unable to name them, and I realized the instruments did not have human names. Then the voices began, slowly at first, blending with the music until I could not distinguish the music from the voices. I wanted to grab my journal (that I kept beside my bed at night, so when I woke in the middle of the night with song lyrics in my head, I could write them down). I couldn't find my journal and realized that I was not supposed to relay this information to anyone else. This was something that only I was to experience. No voices spoke it to me but my "soul" understood (I don't really know what I mean by this but it is the only way I can explain it). After I realized I wasn't supposed to "explain" this to others, I realized that the music and voices were a lot like the wind in the trees, the kind of wind that isn't gusty, strong, or destructive but the kind of wind that soothes, caresses and nurtures the earth. ????

I was never afraid because I "felt" a "presence" always nearby to offer comfort but there was no discomfort. I felt safe and warm. It was as if I had been shown "what could be" and not to be afraid. During the weeks in CCU, I had many "dreams," all of which involved some decision on my part (do I ask the man in a car for a ride or should I walk?). There was always a decision to be made in my "dreams.” It was as if the decisions I was making were the basis on whether or not I would live or die. I don't really know how to explain it. I did not know until a month or so later that I was in a coma, dying. I thought I was always awake and alive, just like the day I went to the hospital. I have not told all here because it is so lengthy it would take weeks to narrate it all. But I remember very well. Can someone please help me with this? It has been three years since this happened and I have researched, talked, read. .. done everything possible to try to place some understanding of what happened to me into perspective. I believe what happened to me has gone beyond the boundaries of my religion and this is a journey I must make alone - I have to look beyond. Am I crazy?

The event happened one evening in 1983. I usually take an evening walk with my dog near my house in Bangalore, India. The houses are located within a fenced enclosure about half a square mile with about 40 houses at either end and open space in between. That day, I took a walk alone and it was a little later than my usual time. I walked to a big rock about 15-20 feet high and I stood on top of it. I thought later that it was a little unusual for me to do that. I used to practice yoga about 3 years prior to that event and I do it in a lying position. But that day I did that same yoga postures standing up on that rock, which was again very unusual. After a while, I saw a light slowly rising in the evening sky from the horizon and it stopped about 30 to 45 degrees angle to the ground in the westwardly direction. I noticed that there were three lights side by side. I remember that it changed in color from orange to white or vice-versa. The next thing I remember was that I was communicating with the light telepathically. The communication went as follows: The Light: “Do you want to come now?” (There was no hint of pressure, just a statement. I then immediately thought about my mother to whom I had deep affection, and other unfinished business. ) I: “No, Not right now.” (The thought just formed in my mind. There wasn't really a dialogue. But I knew the instance the thought formed then the light was able to know it) If I had thought affirmatively, then I am very sure that I would not have continued my life in this world. I can only speculate the course my life would have taken. After a little while, the light just faded away. I then awoke as if from a slumber. Just then a dog, not my own, gave a little startled bark, after which I became fully conscious of my surroundings.

I then broke into a run as I was filled with unknown energy. I remember a car passing by on the road that connected the two blocks of house. When the car passed by me, I felt that I was nearly ten feet tall and I was towering above it. When I reached my house, I just plopped on the sofa and went into a deep trance-like state. I remember that my father, who was an extremely short-tempered person and would go into a rage if anything is not to his liking, was just looking perplexedly at me plopped on the sofa. Normally, I would not be in the same room as he was, as far as possible. But that day, I was just filled with an over-powering energy and did not acknowledge his presence at all. After that day, a lot of extra-ordinary events did take place. I had an amazing ability to heal people even though I am not in close contact with them. The world would sometimes appear to be more colorful and bright. I could feel some radiant energy flowing all around me, especially from the trees, which appeared bright and dark-green. I could feel that I was connected to a mysterious source of energy which was all around me. Of course, the energy has diminished every passing day. But I was on top of the world a considerable amount of time after that event. I would also like to mention that I did not visit doctors for any ailments after that event until this day. I let nature heal myself, or in some rare cases, have taken alternative medicines. I believe strongly in the mind-body connection. I am also a strong believer in a universal God. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to share this information. I have not shared this information with anyone, except my wife, so far.

My mother was recuperating from a hysterectomy. While she was in the hospital for a week, I took care of my siblings. I did not eat properly, nor sleep like I should have while Mom was in the hospital; I was always anemic as a child. I believe this lead to my NDE. In 1967, I got up at 4 A. M. to help my mother prepare breakfast for my father who worked in the oil fields. Just as I was getting ready to put water into the coffee pot, I was suddenly overcome by extreme nausea that made me want to go lay down. Just as I was exiting the kitchen, my Mom was entering the kitchen.

I told her I was feeling very sick and then suddenly everything turned black. I was still conscious (I think) and I knew I was dying. I started calling for Jesus to not let me die. I was very frightened. Suddenly a small, bright light appeared far off and then it got closer to me until I was enveloped in this light. I felt so much love and peace. The light spoke to me and told me I was not going to die; that I just needed to go to sleep for a little while. I then started feeling extremely cold; I felt my soul or life leave my body. It floated from my feet, out the top of my head. I felt like I was floating upwards through the universe. It was very dark and I looked around to see if there was anyone else around me. I did not see anyone and I thought to myself "am I dead.”

Then suddenly I was back in my body. My father was holding me in his arms as I lay on the couch and was crying. My siblings were also standing around me. At the moment my soul was back in my body there was a yellow veil (that is the best way I can describe it) around my family. The yellow veil disappeared after a minute or two and I felt fine. That morning when the sun rose I went outside to sit and contemplate what had happened to me. Soon as I stepped outside I noticed immediately that the sky was so blue and more vivid than I had ever seen it, and the trees were so beautiful, and the green was also more vivid than I had ever seen. It felt like I was seeing the world for the first time. This experience left me happy and scared. Happy because I knew that Jesus was the light I saw, but yet I felt insecure about my life. I wondered if I would die again and there was so much life I wanted to experience. I also felt something extraordinary had happened to me. I was scared to tell anyone about this experience for fear they would think I was crazy. I could hardly believe what happened myself. I have always known somehow that my NDE was God's answer to a prayer that I had said a few months before. In my prayer I asked God to give me a sign that he was real and the Bible was the truth, otherwise I was going to commit suicide. I have had so many supernatural things happen to me since then. I feel like I am filled with love and compassion like Jesus and God is, and I also learned from my NDE that God is compassionate, and that Love is the most important thing in this life.

When I was 7 ½, I experienced a trauma in my family and reacted by sitting in a chair and going into a deep state of letting go and had an out of body experience, I remember wondering “If this was an okay thing to do?” and then I just knew it was. Then I looked at the door of the room I was in to “see” if anyone was coming into the roo,m and I “knew” there was not. The experience lasted for a period of time which I cannot determine how long. Then I returned to my body. This became a habitual past time for me and I enjoyed the experienced very much and generally stayed in the room that I was in. Eventually, I decided to go out of the house and down the street to “see” what my friends were doing. I did not know how to do this except that I knew that I had to set my intention and then let go of my wants with regards to “going” any where.

Then I went into a deep meditation (which I did not know this word when I was young). Then I “went” farther and I cannot describe any thing about it except that it was darkish grayish and I thought that it went on forever, and I was going far far far and fast fast fast. I forgot about where I was going and just went along for the ride. I was aware of my form. Then I stopped because “I knew” someone knew I was there. I opened up really big and put all my instincts on edge, and then I saw something which I did not know what it was. I was not afraid, but incredible attracted to it. It was moving and undulating and flowing and powerful, incredibly powerful. When I grew up, I thought about how this looked very much like a nebula I saw pictures of, only with movement. I was incredibly attracted to it. I was breathless and drawing as near to it as I could. It was coming closer and closer to me and getting more and more powerful. I felt that I would go into it and it would consume me; I was not afraid, I wanted with all my being this to happen. Then I heard a woman’s voice say in the most gentle voice I have ever heard, “Far enough child!” Then a Light came from where I perceived the voice came from and it got between me and the “Thing.” I could still see the “Thing” and then the Light got thicker and thicker and covered the space between me and the “Thing.” Then I was in and surrounded by a pure white starlight bright Light. Before I could get my bearing, I saw a woman come out of the Light and then I asked, “Who are you?” and she said gently, “God.” I thought about how it was that Jesus was supposed to be God and this was a woman! So I said, “Naaahhhh”. She said, in an incredibly gentle voice, “Uh huh”. And I just knew she was. Then she asked me if I would like to sit on her lap and I thought, ”Golly, I better do it because I might never get another chance like this.” And so I did and we talked about a bunch of stuff, and that is when she asked me where I was going. I told her and then she said that it was okay to do what I was trying to do, but that it was “indiscreet” to do that without other people knowing you were doing it (going to see them when you were out of your body). I knew she meant that spying was impolite. And I thought, “Well, heck if you can’t be the invisible girl and go around peeking at what people were up to, what good was it?”

So I never had any out of body experiences again, because I thought they were useless. But I did go back to “Heaven” a number of times over the next year. It was always the same. I would sit in my favorite chair, a big overstuffed red mohair easy chair, and go into deep meditation and go see “Her”. After these experiences, I would cry and laugh and cry and laugh, because I was so happy to see her and be there and then cry because I was so sad to leave “Heaven”. Eventually she told me she would put me to sleep so I would forget her and not be there because “Many would follow the path to God and I was not to do this, I was to live life fully”. And I cried and cried and she comforted me and gave to me some “gifts.” I told her, “She could make me go to sleep if she wanted (I knew she could do anything!) but She could never never never make me forget her”, and I never did. I also knew that I would become very sick when I was in my early fifties and that I would rely on God to get through it and when that happened, I did. I had a series of near death experiences which are quite difficult to express. I also “grew up spiritually”, that is to say that prior to my fifties, I clung to a child’s interpretation of my experiences with absolute faith. Which I still have, but it is a much much more expansive understanding of "That which is.” And this is very tiring to write about and express and I cannot continue today, but if you are interested in more of my experiences I can try later.

I must first tell you neither am I an experienced drug user, nor have ever used drugs in my life until recently - an experimental period, if you will. At any rate, I was drunk and decided to try the drug, ecstasy. That was a mistake. It must have a been an hour after the drug took effect that I had my experience. If I try to discuss it with my friends, they would tell me that I was hallucinating. I can tell you, I wasn't. I was sitting in my hallway trying to fight what was about to happen - I even managed to get a pad of paper and a pen to write down my experiences so I wouldn't forget them - I wanted to remember every emotion, every vision, every feeling I had. I was unable to write until after.

Darkness and silence filled my head and I could actually feel my heart stop. Cardiac arrest? I've never experienced utter fear and the possibility of total peace in one breath. If I could draw a picture - it would have to be illuminated - even the dark had an iridescent glow to it. In the middle of my view was a very bright, golden light - it was tall and narrow. To the right of the light stood four people. I couldn't see their faces; I just knew one of them was my Grandmother who recently passed away. She was the communicator. I get the feeling that another was a man and the other two were children. My Grandmother's voice was distorted, but peaceful and inviting. I was torn between going with them (the peaceful feeling) and the terrifying feeling of leaving my immediate family behind. Once I thought of my family, I panicked right away. I saw my Mother screaming and my sisters crying. Fantastic depression, even devastation, aren't strong enough words to describe how they felt - and I actually shared their grief. I felt so guilty, mortified, and ashamed of myself for dying. How could I leave my family like that? How could I leave them from doing a stupid drug? I refused to let them down. I started ignoring the light and saying, "No, no, no I am not ready to die. I am too young. I want to have a family. I want to live. Please, heart, start beating. I do not want to die.” I was begging God to let me live for a very long time. I remember breathing so hard to make my heart beat again. (I actually woke someone up out of a sleep.) Next thing you know, the light faded and it felt like something "sucked" me back into my body like a vacuum. All the sound came back. My surroundings were visible.

I just thanked God that I was alive and immediately started writing things down. Reviewing what I wrote - it scares me. I wonder if it was a life lesson - or a near death lesson. I did something stupid and irresponsible and it was God's way of showing me how my actions would affect my family. This is not a confession, but a true experience. My emotional status has changed. I seem to cry more than usual. I certainly think about this all the time. I'm just glad I'm alive and that other people have experience this too.

When I was 28, I had just divorced an extremely abusive husband. He was abusive mentally and physically. My marriage had been a nine year nightmare. But he still wouldn't leave me alone. He would come around and force himself on me and I became pregnant. I already had three daughters to take care of and although I loved them dearly, I didn't want still another child to raise by myself. A friend had told me that if I took a certain substance it would make me miscarry. Not knowing how much to take, I had been taking strong doses of it all during the day. By bedtime, nothing had happened, so I took what was left and went to bed.

I woke up sometime in the middle of the night sitting straight up in bed. A huge, round, white light was moving away from me until it became just a pinpoint in the distance. I got up and walked around a little bit thinking about the light, knowing I had not miscarried and was not going to, and feeling strangely happy. I went back to bed and slept until morning. Just the light is all I can remember of the experience, but I think I was told to have this child, or I decided to have the child on my own, or it was simply meant to be. But I began to look forward to the birth and felt a peace about it from that morning on.

I had a son and I can't imagine my life without him. I love him dearly. My whole perspective on life had changed. I had a deeper understanding of EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. I had never heard of NDEs or the light until years later when I began to read on the subject. As soon as I read about the light, I remembered that experience and was thankful that someone stopped me from doing what I had set out to do.

Another experience I had was in 1995. I had remarried and my husband became ill. His illness was fatal. He was a wonderful, kind and caring husband. During his illness, we became so close it was as if we were one. One week to the day after he died, I had gone to bed. When I was in that stage between waking and sleeping, I felt him put his arms around me from behind. I knew it was him; I knew I was lying in my bed in my bedroom. and I knew what was happening. I told him (in my mind) that I loved him so much and I was going to miss him so much. I felt him start to leave and I told him not to go yet, that I wasn't scared. And then I woke up. I lay there trying not to move. hoping he would come back. I knew what had just happened and I was so happy to know he still existed and I was more at peace about his death. I slept the rest of the night. I can remember every detail and will never forget it.

I hope this post isn't too long because I just remembered another experience. My younger sister (12 years younger) was having a baby at the age of 14. My mother was at the hospital with her and I was at work. I would call the hospital on my breaks to see how things were going. Having children of my own, I knew what she was going through and it was killing me. She was so young. The last time I called, my mom said it would be hours yet, so I went back to work. As I was sitting there, I felt a sense of relief and it was as if the sun had come out on a dark, cloudy day. I thought, "She has had the baby and it's over" and wrote down the time. And that was the exact time my nephew was born.

Thank you for letting me share my experiences with you.

I was struggling with drug addiction. On this particular night I was in bed on my back experiencing the worst emotional and physical pain that I had ever known. I was a member of American Atheists and never prayed in my life. I called out "I can't take it anymore, I want to die.” At that moment, I felt something enter me and I began to be lifted out of my body. I realized that I was getting my wish and was dying. I panicked and spoke in my mind "Wait, I want another chance.” I was placed back in my body and the presence left, taking away all my pain, and leaving me with a sense of peace and comfort beyond words or experience. There was a flash of intense multicolored light in the corner of my room. I then drifted off into a peaceful sleep and woke up the next day knowing that there was a god.

I had an accident involving head trauma led to an out of body/nde in 1989. During this experience, I believe that I experienced who I truly am - my higher self and its purpose. I felt connected to a powerful source - a oneness which is spiritual and more real than this bodily existence. I felt loved, understood, powerful and meaningful. I felt connected to all knowledge and had a sense of knowing about all life - past and future. I felt a most important purpose to my being both here and "there". I experienced a moment of clarity, which is living without fear or judgment, and how important it is to find this in ourselves - to be who we truly are. Following this experience my whole life changed - a wake up call - to get back on track. I formed a nonprofit organization, changed the direction of my life. I only want to experience, to learn, to teach, to love and to help. All other pursuits and details in life are hard to tolerate since this experience. I am concerned now about whether I am truly living up to my purpose and true self. I find myself wishing desperately for another connection to this experience. I have no fear of death - only of not living. Life in all form is the most precious and meaningful thing. I wish I could be more sure that I am doing all that I can to fulfill my purpose and to be helpful to all others. Hard to live in society as it is. Wish I were back in this experience.

In 1998, I had a massive gastrointestinal hemorrhage due to acute liver failure. After 24 units of blood and near death, I walked out of the hospital. The 1st of April I was back in the hospital, with hepato-renal failure, sepsis, pulmonary hypertension, bilateral pleural effusions, hypoxemia, right heart failure with tricuspid valve regurgitation, on a ventilator, tubes in and out of my heart, liver, kidneys, stomach, and lungs. The doctors took me to the OR where a last ditch effort was attempted for a liver transplant. But the donor liver was found to be full of a fungal infection, so I was taken back to the ICU, in a coma, and given no hope for survival.

All of my family was called in; I was given last rites. While my brother prayed over my body I saw the most awesome and beautiful sight ever. I saw 100's of smiling faces, which were not man, nor woman, nor child. They had no facial hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, and did not open their mouths. They spoke to me, as in telepathy. They wore free-flowing, multihued, iridescent robes, and each one floated to and fro in the space surrounding me. Each one was engulfed in a phosphorescent blue-green, shimmering aura. I saw no wings as depicted in Angel pictures. One face I focused on, told me I must go back, for the world still needed me. I remember these words, "Go back, and do not be afraid. Peace you will have, and Faith you will know. Remember the feeling of this moment, and of the Love between you and God. You will have the Wisdom from God, so go forth and live and tell this to all who will listen, for there are many souls who need to hear your words." Then the darkness descended and the Angels faded away into a brilliant white light.

As I opened my eyes, I remembered what I had seen and felt. I cried from the overwhelming feelings of Love, Peace, Joy, Hope, and Wisdom I had just encountered. I am no longer afraid of Death. Each day I look to God and "My Angels" for their guidance. I face each day with strength, determination, and the will to go on living. And I can always see that bright light at the end and smile: I AM ALIVE!! My family has filled me in on the time when I was comatose and had slipped away into death for a few seconds. My brother who was praying over me, knew I had "passed on", but immediately felt a tremendous power come through him just before I opened my eyes after my experience. It has brought our family closer together. I still have thoughts racing through my mind, visions I do not understand, and coincidences that are uncanny. I am not afraid of anything, I was [afraid] before this happened to me. My years of being a nurse had given me an insight to near-death and actual death, and I have many stories of those that I can share also. I cared for my father and my stepfather at the times of their deaths, so I have seen it on every level, but none so profound as my own.

It was a weekend and I went to a club with my friends. In this club, we got MDMA-Pills (XTC) and I took two of them. After a short time, my trip started and I felt very good because it was a good trip. I felt happy and a strong feeling of love and being loved. After a short while a friend of mine and I decided to leave the club to smoke a joint in his car.

After smoking, some kind of "supernatural" force pushed me into the seat. As I opened my eyes, the surrounding out of the car had turned into a thick brown mass or slime. Then the interior of the car vanished and many voices seem to talk to me, but I could not understand anything. My mind, by the way was all clear. Suddenly I felt something strange, something like a warm flux in the near of my solar plexus. I left my body for a short while just to return into the body of a soldier lying in hole on a battle field. I felt a strong pain in my right leg. The first time I was really frightened because it seemed so real to me. Everywhere were dead bodies, explosions and shots of automatic guns. After a short while, I left this body to return to my own. My friend sat the whole time besides me and he told me that I explained every detail to him during this experience. Since that experience, I got visions of the future sometimes, which proved themselves to be real.

It was a few months after my boyfriend had killed himself. I was devastated and suicidal myself. He had brainwashed me into believing that we should both kill ourselves to be in a better place together. When he left me to be alone, I felt I had nowhere to go but to where he was. I bought a package of sleeping pills from a drugstore, thinking that it would be enough to kill me. I suppose if I was "meant" to die or that I subconsciously wanted to, I would have cleaned out the entire aisle. I drove my car to the top of a parking deck and swallowed the pills with some soda. I leaned the seat back and stared out of my window at the sky above. It was a beautiful afternoon, and the sky was filled with big, puffy clouds. I must have laid that way for some time. My fingernails had turned yellow underneath. I don't know what this meant.

Soon after that, I began to feel very heavy and could not move. The only thing that I could do was move my eyes and continue staring at those clouds. After a while, I felt my mind drifting away and it was as if I was among those clouds. It wasn't an out-of-body experience because I could still feel myself in my car and surroundings. I just kept drifting higher and higher past the clouds. It seemed as if there was an entire society of clouds up there. I felt presences, though not familiar ones. They were many of them and they seemed just beyond reach, past more clouds. I couldn't see them and they were communicating to me that I wasn't allowed to see them. I had to go back because that was where I belonged. I didn't feel any overwhelming emotions of any sort. It was very matter of fact, like someone telling you something tactfully. These presences sent me back to my car and I felt like I was "waking up".

I became very desperate to get out of this emaciated state. I looked towards a door in the parking deck, hoping that someone would emerge to help me. I tried to scream but couldn't. What felt like an eternity had passed. I just lay there and tried like hell to gain strength to move again. I don't know how on earth I did it, but I drove home. I slept off the rest of the pills and woke up a new person.

That was my last suicide attempt. It truly changed my life. Even if I'm depressed at times, I have so much comfort knowing that I am not supposed to die now. In the black void of feeling that terrible, something tells me that it is my job to stay alive, no matter how crappy I feel sometimes. Before this experience, I believed that suicide was an easy way out and OK. Now I have instincts that I never had before, telling me that it is NOT OK and that my life is full of other choices. The trick is finding the right one to bring myself out of a depressed funk. There is so much comfort knowing that I am not supposed to die and that I seal my own fate. That makes me feel incredibly full of worth and gives me an enormous sense of hope.

When I was a young boy, me and some friends were sliding down a muddy bank, racing each other. Unfortunately, the end of bank ran into a back road. On one of these burn ups, I overshot the slide straight into the road into the path of an oncoming car. The car was travelling at about 30 to 35 mph. The outcome was, as you can imagine, not a good day out. I sustained two broken legs, one upper and lower, two broken ankles, and a bad back injury. I forget now the extent of that. Anyway, I remember bits and pieces of the journey to hospital and initially at the hospital.

I have no idea of the time scale. but at some point during or after my operation, I had what I can only describe as a major happening. I was in total light, absolute light I had no body just my mind <me>. I felt totally at peace. Then it wasn’t a voice as such, but it was communication in my head that asked me if I wanted to move on from this place. I was in another place same as this but better. Or if I wanted, I could go back. I did not hesitate. I wanted to stay with this place whatever it was; wild horses wouldn’t make me go back. For some reason or another, that wasn’t the answer they wanted. To cut a long story short, I was shown things about my future people. I would meet people that weren’t even born (it’s very hard to express this in written form) and what I had in store if I went back. So never being one to miss out on anything, I came back over the years. I’ve had an inner feeling that I was going to be all right, no matter how bad things got, or whatever scrapes I got myself into. They would sort themselves out. I was going to have a good life, and up to now that’s been spot on.

I’ll just tell you of one thing that’s happened since the accident. That’s proof to me. About four years afterward, I was about 17, me and some of my mates were at a youth disco. We sat at this table and there were two rather tasty girls dancing in front of us. One of my mates wanted me to come with him and chat them up. I declined. For some unknown reason, I knew, I just knew, that one of the girls would be my wife, but now wasn’t the time. Not just a girlfriend, but without question, destiny said “wife.” I had seen her before and after many times. We were married 11 years later and have a beautiful 4 year old girl. What happened to me is not something I shout about. I’ve only told three people, but it happened. I don’t feel blessed or religious either. It was at the time and to me now, a totally natural experience

I was at the local sauna with my wife, when about three to four minutes into it I began to feel real funny. My left arm became numb, and I kind of knew that if I didn't get out of there immediately that I would pass out. We had been doing the sauna thing for about a year and I was used to going in. My wife got me out and started applying cold wet towels to my head. I had trouble standing so I sat down in a deck chair. It was at this moment that things really started to go. I remember trying to keep conscious with all my will, but I was slipping. At that moment according to my wife, I let out the last breath of air, what she described as the death rattle.

What I experienced at the same time was, one there was no tunnel, at least of what I remember. I suddenly found myself in a waiting area, it was like a room with no dimensions, but filled with the beautiful light that has no source. I knew immediately that I was in place that I knew from a before. It was like going home. I remember the vibration was at a much higher rate, and it felt as though for the first time in a long time that I was completely free. I distinctly remember looking at my right hand, which was almost like an outline of a hand, but with almost a sparkle type of cast to it. I guess it wasn't a hand in the traditional sense, but something more beautiful. I also remember saying, or more like thinking, "What the hell happened? I must have died." I did not want to leave this place; I wanted to stay even though I had been married only a short while. I did not meet any deceased loved ones, but I felt they were coming to greet me. I cannot put into words the joy that I felt in my brief stay, but I will surely try to paint it. When I came back, it was painful. I felt the gravity, the wet coldness of the tile floor, the slowdown of the vibration, all of the things that this plane has to offer. My experience is as vivid today as it was over nine years ago.

I never could describe it, but from 1993 -1996, I created an 18"x24" collage that's about as representative. (That was before I discovered computers; I have now reworked it a bit digitally from the original, though it's relatively the same as before.) I don't seem to follow the typical NDE pattern which explains the (?) above. I had a seizure of some sort related to medication and was in intensive care unconscious for a couple days. They released me on the third day, with no DX, and that evening I had this epiphany or whatever. If anyone's curious I will email it via jpg format, but the telling of it leaves me speechless. I can only say I emerged with a total understanding of the machinations of the universe and the phrase, "love is the answer, communication is the key."

In 1971, I was in an accident that left me clinically dead on the operating table. Prior to this experience, I had no belief in God or an afterlife. I was the mother of three sons, one that had died after being hit by a car. My son died one month prior to my accident.

I remember going into surgery. All of a sudden I was unable to breath. I fought to bring air into my lungs, then I felt a burning through the middle of my body, like a huge rope being pulled through me at a hundred miles an hour. A loud piercing noise was in my ears, and all of a sudden I felt myself passing into another realm and feeling peace. I didn't need to breathe. I saw myself pass by my husband and two sons, they were crying because I had died. I didn't want to leave them, then I felt peace again. They would be alright. I passed by four people that looked very somber. I felt they knew something was wrong. I was moving down a dark tunnel past these people who I did not know. I saw a door with extremely bright light beyond it. As I got close to the door, I felt an overwhelming peace. Such Joy and the thought that "There is no God.” All of a sudden the rope tore through the middle of my body again and the loud noise. Then all at once I knew, there is a God. I knew! it more than just understanding, I knew it with all that I was, in a way I really can not describe. I just knew it. The word peace really doesn't describe how I felt, but is as close as I can get. Perfect peace. Joy, perfect joy. A desire to pass beyond the door. Then like the floor falling out beneath you, I fell. I felt my heart stop, like it does when you know you are falling. I fell into total darkness. As I was falling, I felt the pain of burning all over my body. I was falling and burning and I knew I had fallen into hell. I knew I had a lifetime to believe in God and that I had chosen not to. I knew it was too late to do that now. I would fall and burn forever. I could hear others screaming, as I was. Falling, burning. I knew that no one knew we were there. We were lost forever. There was no escape and this was for eternity. Forever and ever and ever. Falling, burning. I screamed for God.,”I believe in you God", but no one could hear my cries.

Then it stopped. I felt breath come back into my lungs. I woke up in the ICU with nurses and doctors feverishly working on me. I heard myself scream, and I wanted to go back to the peace. Back to God. Why had I come back here? I felt God speak to me. ”Bring as many people to me as you can.” Later, my husband came in the room and I was still crying out. I died, I died and there is a God. My faith in God was renewed that day and has grown ever stronger each day. I know there is a hell and I know that God does exist. I also know that mankind doesn't want to admit that God allows people to go to hell. He doesn't, we do. We have a choice, and as I see people everyday wasting precious time, I just ask. Please find out. Don't be fooled by the notion that all is goodness and light. Search for the truth, don't be lazy. Your eternity is in your hands. If you ask God, he will save you. But you have to ask. Cry out today and I know that God will answer you. That's called prayer.

I was under anesthesia, surgery on my neck. I was in black, real black. Then I was at the end of the black space. Mother Mary was there. I didn't see her, just knew it was her. I said I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Then I was in front of Jesus. I could almost see him but he became so, so bright. He was sitting next to Mary; I felt was standing. Jesus said, “Would you die to work for me?” I said “ye, I would die to work for you.” Then Jesus said, “You would die to work for me?” I said “yes, I would die to work for you.” Then I was told I had to go back. I said “no.” They said I had to. I said no again. They said Joe and Alice needed me. I said “I don't care I’m not going.” Then I was being pulled backwards from my back. I passed my dad and nephew. I started to laugh and said “that's all it was it's so simple.” Laughing and crying because I had to leave the ultimate love [that] no words can describe. I knew I was home then and had to leave.

I don't remember seeing the light, the other side, or a tunnel. I remember feeling a tunnel inside my lower belly while at the same time I could not move my body. I remember compassionate voices always trying to help me understand the rage of the mother.

These compassionate voices became my parents when no other being here on earth would listen to me. I remember being hated by everyone, so I think that I must have talked about hearing voices. I don't remember.

I remember someone wanting to move me to fourth grade from the second grade, but that did not happen. I remember drawing exceptionally well, but being hated for it. The strangest thing is that I don't remember why everyone hated me so much. This caused me to be alone all the time. I cried all the time. The first time I remember wishing for suicide was at the age of 12. A compassionate voice said to me that "there is something better ahead," so I did not kill myself, but that did not stop me from wanting to. My childhood was hell.

At the age of 26, a voice told me to go talk to a man walking down the street. He led me to my first metaphysical book--Living the Infinite Way by Joel Goldsmith. After gaining goosebump after goosebump from this, I expanded to Edgar Cayce and the Seth books. I have read about 150-200 books on the new physics, channeling, angels, philosophy, and the mind/body effect.

After reading several books on instantaneous healings, I decided to practice prayer myself. I wished for it over and over, wondering what it would take to see an instantaneous healing, until one day I felt one. I saw a coworker fall down in agony holding his side. I called out to him to see if he wanted help. Then all of the sudden, I felt a huge quickening of my body. I must have been vibrating faster. I don't know what to call this, but I was different. I moved over to the man and put my hand on his side for a couple of seconds or minutes. Then the man jumped up, not in pain anymore. I was thrilled.

Your belief will heal you. The point of power is in the present. The Seth books are my favorite. I have tried healing myself, imagining wholeness several times since then with success. I have practiced with my son, Laughing, with success. I want him to know there is no such thing as a germ.

I want to go to the Hands of Light school in Florida because I want to be a professional. I want to teach everybody that we are all connected in a huge web of light and energy. I have read The Holographic Universe and Parallel Universes. Nobody has to talk me into believing in many levels of reality within this space right here and right now. Now is all there is. The spacious present.

Once I felt a light being enter my body and then say something inspirational. Twice I have felt small light beings close to me, like a child when I wake up; with the other one, I felt small foot prints walking away from me on my bed. I have never felt the temperature differences that people talk about.

I and my son live in section 8 housing with food stamps and TANF. I feel totally at a loss about how to get funding for an expensive school like the Hands of Light school. I have felt energy many times, in many ways. I feel like I am wasting away. I am overwhelmed at the energy I feel. I was not socialized as a child, so who am I going to talk to? Nobody understands NDEs or EHEs. There is not a support group in Austin. I have talked to many counselors. I have not found anyone that will even begin to understand.

I wish I was on the other side where there is unconditional love 100% of the time. I know I chose to be here, but I am stuck. I could go around wishing the best for everybody all the time, but I want someone to talk to, to be thrilled with. I need to share. I cannot find anyone to be thrilled with. Even people with Reiki certificates do not understand my thrill, the depth of the energy I have felt.

Help me not to feel so suicidal. I just want to go back home, or a Transpersonal school. I am so bored with Marketing classes at the local community college.

In 1996, I was assaulted and left in critical condition. I don't remember any of this. It was just a normal Friday afternoon, and then I was on a gurney being held upside down, vomiting blood. I lost consciousness shortly after being put in the ambulance.

That's when I had my Death Experience. I purposely avoid referring to it as a Near Death Experience, because I have done much research on the matter. NDE's are most commonly characterized feeling the soul disconnect with the body, a tunnel of light, and seeing heaven, God, lost loved ones, etc. These sensations are easily explained both medically and psychologically. The soul leaving the body is a result of the combined effects of vivi-mortis and muscle relaxation, which occur when the function of the heart and lungs cease. Blood, like any liquid, naturally flows to the lowest possible point because of the pull of gravity, unless it is moved against gravity by a pump (the heart). When the heart stops, blood flows downward. This is vivi-mortis. People who have NDE's are commonly lying on their back receiving medical assistance, which is why they live to tell about their experience. Thus, the blood flows toward their back, creating a sensation of the flesh or body moving backwards. As the lungs cease functioning and the diaphragm relaxes one exhale, creating the sensation of an inner force moving forward. The combined sensations (the body moving backward and an inner force moving forward) result in the feeling that the soul is leaving the body. The tunnel of light effect is caused when the muscles relax and the eyes open and the pupils dilate. One sees a blackness or fogginess surrounding a bright point of light, which grows as the irises relax and the pupils dilate further. At this point, one is aware of one's own demise. We learn though experience and the only way we know of death, beyond the idea of death, is through our experiences of death, i.e. those that we have been close to that have died, and our religious beliefs of what happens when one dies. Hence we see lost loved ones and heaven (or hell), and possibly God.

I experienced none of these things. I was alive one moment and the next I was not. I knew this because I was no longer in my body, though I wasn't floating above it or traveling through a tunnel of light to heaven either. It is impossible to describe what I did experience because there are no words or concepts in the real world that match. The best I can do is say what I know about it and what it felt like. I was in a place that is no place. It was the center of all places, at once outside the known universe (or our understanding of it) and encompassing the entire universe. There was no time in this place. Every moment of history and the present and the future were unfolded before me as one monumental event starting with the creation of the universe and ending, well that has since been blocked from me in such a way that it hurts to try to remember. I experienced something entirely impossible and indescribable, sensation without perception, or awareness without sensation. There was no hot or cold, or light or dark, or movement or lack thereof. There was only awareness. Of everything. I knew every thought and every idea that every person had ever had or would ever have. These were like voices (though there was no sound, so how could they be voices) overheard in a crowded restaurant, but I could distinctly hear and follow each conversation all at once without any one distracting me from another. Then all of that faded away, and there was one emotion, the only one I experienced through the whole event: peace. Complete and permeating peace. The total lack of all emotion, sensation, and thought. All things exist in contrast with their opposites; without darkness, there can be no light and vice-versa. No hot without cold, no pleasure without pain, no love without hate. This is the way we experience the world, through perception of varying degrees of opposites. This is the curse of man, that we enjoy the summer only because we know the winter is coming, we love and are loved because we hate and are hated. And because all thing are known only though contrast, we never know peace unless all these things have been erased, which is only possible through the death of or bodies and the end of our perception and experience and knowledge.

This event (for it wasn't an experience) lasted the smallest fraction of a second and also the entire existence of the universe. I drifted in eternal peace. Then I heard the voice or VOICE of God, at once as relaxing as sleeping late on a Saturday morning and waking to the sound of birds chirping outside the window and the soft scent of lilacs and roses carried on a gentle early summer breeze and the warm sun shining on your naked body and as powerful and frightening as lighting striking the very foundation of the building in which you are standing.

"It is not your time to be here, but you may stay if you chose. I have work for you if you choose to return." I didn't want to leave, but when the VOICE speaks, you obey. I know I was given a choice, and I chose the pain and misery of earthly life over the absence of all but peace. I sometimes wonder about that choice, but I think I made that choice long before it was put in front of me. I know I have work to do, that's why I came back. I just hope I am ready when the time comes.

I woke up on a gurney in the hospital where doctors were explaining to my mother that I would probably die in the coma I was in. They didn't know how I could still be alive. I sat up and was pushed back down because they thought I was having a seizure until I spoke. I was asked a barrage of questions like "Do you know what day it is?" and "Do you know who the president is?" and asked to count to ten numerous times which I did in four different languages. The questions stopped. My skull had been fractured and my head resembled a large misshapen pumpkin. I had three broken ribs, bruised kidneys, spleen, and liver. I was bleeding internally and the doctors didn't know where yet. I said I was going to go to sleep but not to worry I would walk out of the hospital in less than twenty four hours. I then closed my eyes and consciously healed myself. I could feel what was wrong with my body and where. I could redirect blood flow and nutrients to areas that needed it and away from areas that were bleeding. I could will my flesh and bones to grow back together. When I had a CT scan ran the technicians ran another because the readings were so strange. There was no brain damage whatsoever, which was considered impossible given the extent of my injuries and how long my brain had been without oxygen while I was clinically dead. Also there was a never before seen high delta wave reading that could only be explained if I had experienced REM sleep (and even that was a stretch) even though I was conscious and talking the whole time. That night I woke up at one point to see my doctor sitting in a chair in my room. I told him he could go tend to someone else if he needed, that I was going to be fine. He said, "I know, but what’s happening to you is unbelievable. You should be dead. I can't turn my back on a miracle. God is allowing me the opportunity to witness this and I just can't walk away." I later found out that his daughter had been in a car accident and had similar injuries. He had been questioning God and he thought what was happening to me before his eyes was God's answer that He was still here. I was admitted to the hospital at 2:17 PM and released at 1:44 PM the next day. They said there was no explanation for my recovery, but there was no reason to keep me any longer. I was supposed to see my doctor every two weeks for the following six months to track any long term effects of my injuries. After the first physical and the tests, the doctor sat down in the exam room and sighed. I asked him, timidly, what was wrong and he said "Nothing. Just that, nothing. There is nothing in my medical training or experience that can account for your recovery." He explained to me how bones heal. That the immune system goes crazy making new bone and there is a large knot of bone where there was a break. This is eventually dissolved over time, but the process takes months and sometimes there is a permanent enlargement of a bone that has been broken. He said after two weeks he couldn't tell that I had even had one broken bone, let alone three ribs and two in my skull. "All I can say is 'Do you believe in God?'"

The event drove me crazy. I really believe that. I experienced things completely outside the realm of human understanding. I heard the voice of God, which believe me, human beings weren't made to hear. I looked everywhere for the peace I had experienced. I tried drugs, different religions. I started to study physics and biology to try to find a logical explanation for the things that happened to me. I believed that it was all just some grand hallucination. You see I was raised in a Pentecostal church, very fundamentalist and very strict. When I began to ask questions, I was turned away, told my faith was weak, just because I couldn’t accept everything I was told, even when I knew these things were untrue, such as the earth being only six thousand years old and Buddhists being evil. I was told that it was a medical fact that males had one less rib than females because Adam's rib was used to create Eve, and I was told this by a nurse of all things. There is a story in the bible of God making the sun stand still in the sky for a whole day. I was told that scientists had calculated all the days since the beginning of time and there was one less than there should be. And so rather than accepting lies as medical, mathematical, scientific and historical facts, I had turned to atheism. I had found no truth in religion and now all my beliefs had been put in dispute.

I eventually accepted what happened to me as a medical and psychological phenomenon that just had yet to be explained. Until September 11, 2001, that belief held. Around six that morning a friend of mine made a remark about how beautiful the sky was. Surprising him and myself both, I remarked, "Yeah. It's a pity so much death will come out of it. Then I went home and watched death come out of the sky on CNN. In the Bible, when a prophet or wise man heard a message from God, he never gets right to work. He goes "into the wilderness" for "forty days and forty nights." In other words, "we don't know what happened to him or how long he was gone." Maybe my forty days and nights are over. Maybe sharing my experience and the revelations I have had, and the conclusions it has brought me, is the work I am supposed to do. Or maybe not. Either way, I have retuned from the wilderness and have brought back a message.

There is a way we can know peace in this life. It cannot be found in and religion being practiced today, for they are all to far from the truth. The truth in all religion, the foundations of all religions, the message we choose to ignore no matter how religious we think we are, is that there is one sin that is the root of all sin and three virtues that are the root of all virtues, are in fact the only virtues. Pride is sin and all sin is pride. It is the root of all suffering and ills of mankind. Through pride we reduce others to serve our will. Through pride we divide humanity. Though pride we conquer, destroy and subjugate people and nature. Through pride we kill each other, and through pride we die.

Patience, humility and compassion are how we know and spread peace. Jesus said "I am the way, the truth, and the light." Patience is the way through which all things come to pass. Humility is the truth that we each are no greater than any of God's works, no matter how small. Compassion is the light of peace shining through us, illuminating the world around us.

God created us all in his own image, and that means we likewise have the ability to create. We have created murder and suffering and pain. We have created hell. We can continue this trend or we can abandon pride and learn to act with patience, humility and compassion and create heaven on earth, experience peace in this life and in the next, rather than subjugate ourselves to an eternity of rebirths in this hell we have made for ourselves. This is our choice. We make it each day. Just as a recovered alcoholic chooses each day not to drink or to become a practicing alcoholic again, we can choose patience, humility, and compassion, or death destruction, and pain.

I remember being in the top right hand corner of a large room in a hospital. I was up near the ceiling, looking down. My vision was very sharp, I could "hear" people in my thoughts, almost intuitively. I had no other senses, only this eyesight and thought-communication TO me (I did not feel that I could "talk" to the people standing around below me.)

I felt totally calm as if "this was meant to be" . I had no concerns or worries or thoughts of the "me that was before" or "my family left behind". I felt wonderfully at peace and happy. I had no sense of a body, I never felt the urge to look at my hand, for instance. I had no yearning to be anything than what I was, up by the ceiling.

Looking down, I could observe about 5 people in hospital gowns and masks, they were working on someone on a table or stretcher or some such. I knew instinctively that it was "me", but I did not see myself, only the doctors. It was all in color, they wore blue.

Suddenly, I was in TOTAL darkness, going upwards, a gliding feeling, at an angle similar to the steepness of an escalator, perhaps a bit steeper. I felt calm, at no time was I afraid. I had no sense of sound. Only darkness and a feeling of peace.

Then, high up, directly in front of me, as I was gliding upwards, a "door" opened, or rather, a rectangle of light "opened". No light spilled out from this "door" into the darkness that I was gliding through. The light stayed inside. It was VERY bright, but it did not hurt my eyes, I had no sense of blinking or being blinded by coming from total darkness to seeing this light. There was no sense of heat coming from the light.

In the light, there was a "person”, because no light escaped from the "doorway". This body was in shadow, so I could not make out any features, other than the shape. It was human, as it had a head, arms and legs, but I did not see the outline of a hairstyle, so I have no idea if it were male or female.

I was SO blissfully happy to see the light, I felt pulled to it. I was TOTALLY at peace and overjoyed. I was still gliding upwards towards this door of light, but still far away, I would estimate 200 feet away, when the person moved its arm and began to close the door, the light was then just a strip of light with the arm of the person outlined (the door swung inwards toward the person as it closed it).

I felt extreme sadness ...but just for a split second. Then I felt total acceptance with this "door closing decision" that was not my decision. I do not remember anything more. I do not remember being back in my body. I always have this "inner peace" that is part of me now. This is the first time I have recounted this experience. I thought people would think I was nuts! I don't mind sharing this with your researchers, as I think it's important that we as people should learn from one another and help each other.

This is the very short version. The major experience(s) lasted close to eight hours. I put this into a NDE category for lack of a better classification.

The experience itself appears to be drug (biochemical) induced from a degraded antibiotic (found later) combined with exposure to certain substances that I was working with in the lab.

The initial effect of taking the antibiotic was memory enhancement and "clarity of thought". For example, after taking the antibiotic for about a week, I did some math problems from an old college math book and had no difficulty doing the problems, seemed to be so simple, and even remembered which problem had the wrong answer in the back. This from being away from the subject for more than twenty years.

Mind processing speed increased dramatically but I didn't feel like I was bouncing off walls, but rather it seemed like it took substantially less time to find an answer to a problem. A good estimate was that my brain was operating at about the speed of a ten year old. I didn't notice any difference in my maturity level.

I also noticed that I would at times have a totally different perspective on certain issues which don't have clear cut answers. For example, I was watching a hockey game on TV when a fight broke out. I felt this was totally unacceptable behavior and something should be done to eliminate the level of violence in the sport. On the other hand, I've played and coached the sport so I am familiar with what precipitates those events.

Prior to the near death type experience I had a momentary auditory flashback of an event which apparently doesn't seem to fit anywhere. It was about two seconds in length. At this point I decided to lay down and find out what may be going on.

After a minute of being relaxed in bed, I'm seemed to be able to enter an altered state of consciousness. I was cautious but also curious as this was something new. I found that after a few tries that I could slip in and out of this state.

When in this altered state I found that this appears to be the "tunnel" and I had started to explore this structure. What I found interesting is that this tunnel appeared to have some sort of walls or barriers and that it only seemed to be something that I could move through, forward or backward.

Moving forward I was able to see this "light" but never was able to approach it. The color of the light was on the order of a yellow/white which also illuminates that part of the tunnel, but the entrance to the tunnel was dimly lit and had more of a self-illuminated blue/gray color.

I had played with this for a while because it seemed to be some area that I could maneuver around in. I was totally aware and awake during this whole experience. In this tunnel I also found some structures which appeared to be memory files. This is difficult to explain and the best description is that they appeared to be structured in the form of bar graphs one placed behind the other throughout the entire length of the tunnel. These bar graph type memory files also seemed to have unusual properties and definite boundaries.

I wasn't very sure initially what these structures were because they seemed to be existent without function. But I had this ability to move up and down the tunnel ,and had noticed that one of these thin bar graph structures was enhanced or excited in some fashion. On examination, I found that this apparently consisted of a memory file which had a certain amount of information which contained events on the order of three to five minutes in length. The best description in reading the file was that somehow I had the ability to slip between one of the bar graph files and another. I had done a little experimentation in this area and was able to get other files to highlight and view the contents of those files. This then appeared to me as awake "memory" where all experienced events are stored.

From my experience at this point, this appears to be the "tunnel" of the NDE and why some people see their life pass before their eyes, because the awake memory files are stored within such tunnel.

This exploration of the tunnel lasted about two hours at which point I took a break and then went back into this altered state because I felt that I may have missed something. I did re-explore the tunnel and found an "opening" on one of the walls. This seemed to go into a void, and with some cautious entering and exiting, felt comfortable to look into this further. When in this void, I found another structure in the distance.

This structure had the appearance of a curved knobby horn, and it took a while to find the access points. There appeared to be various areas on this horn which seemed to be highlighted similar to those of the awake memory files, and also seemed to have been structured in a similar fashion. The only difference being that the memory files appeared to be in a mirror image compared to the other files. On examination of the files, they appear to be past-life memory files which contain events of past lives. I didn't have access to all the files which were quite numerous because only certain files where in this enhanced state. Details spared for brevity.

After exploring this I then took a look around and found another interesting structure near the horn like past life memory files. This appeared to be something like a stack of cubes, one on top of another, in a fashion to that of an elevator shaft. I had found access to the top cube which also has this layered structure, but didn't notice anything except "me". I then tried to access the cube underneath this and found it to be highly repulsive in nature as it seemed to be full of hate and anger or some state that was very unpleasing to be in. Only by partially accessing this state was I able to determine that the top cube state was "me". I'm not sure if this state is normal or this may be some implanted entity or could be the "original sin". It could also be a defense mechanism. I got the feeling that the other "cubes" were related to the past life history files in some way. And this might be the answer to the multiple personality syndrome.

All of this occurred in the evening and it was bed time. I laid down and very quickly found myself in this altered state of consciousness, but at some different level as the void in this case seemed to be diffusely lit in the yellow/white coloration. And I had noticed in the far distance a point of light which approached very quickly and manifested itself as a "human" being. He seemed to be about 5-11, slightly heavy build, shoulder length dirty blonde hair, beard, moustache, a little self-illuminated, and dressed in a very phosphorescent sky-blue robe. I had asked him his name and he told me it was Mogarth, and I had asked him what he wanted, and he said that he was to show me the "secrets of the universe", if I wanted to.

I didn't feel threatened at any time, but I also wasn't sure I was going to die either. I agreed to his offer and immediately lost consciousness. I do remember traveling to some place because this took time and certain things were pointed out to me as we traveled. I think there were times that I had regained some partial "awakeness". I do remember meeting other spiritual beings like him, but I don't remember their names. I had spent about two hours in this state and got quite a tour, but I remember very little of it. I was told to do a few things when I came back, of which [some] have been accomplished. I was also told about this "End of the World" scenario, and this seemed to hinge upon the inability of the human race to continue itself because of some disaster (nuclear) which puts all the souls destined to be reincarnated in a state of limbo. This also had something to do with this unusual personality state which I was told is the cause of all the world's problems.

After going through this experience I found myself to be less materially aggressive, maybe a little more spiritual and a little less religious, and more understanding of other people's point of view.

One very interesting thing is that last year I found a book, Golden Game by Kosslowski de Rola, in which I found my "spiritual being" and probably a good picture of a portion of this tunnel, along with such memory files, and a few other tidbits. Coincidence? Or maybe all this has been experienced in the past.

I remember before I went to sleep that night before I experienced NDE, all I did was clean the house ‘til early hours and told my Mum how much I loved her before I went to bed.

I felt this power lift me from my bed while I was in a deep sleep, and remember a man dressed in black saying it was my time. I couldn't make out what he was trying to point at. Next thing I know, I was rushed into a black tunnel, and I was traveling with the speed of light in darkness. I remember there was a tiny light; at the end of the tunnel, I reached this light. It was a feeling I can’t explain: love warm, a feeling that I have never felt before; the light was so bright it was white love. Before I knew it, St Virgin Mary was there holding a baby who I believe is Jesus. I then realized where I was and made sense of where I was. Peace, love: I will never forget is feeling the radiation of His love. I asked her why I was here; she replied it’s your time; you have finished your goal and its time to come through.

No matter how much I loved being there, I thought of my mother and how I couldn't leave her to cope with my death with her heart problems. I asked St Mary if I could go back, she replied 'no'. I told her I couldn't stay here and that it was best for me to go back. I remember I was waiting for her reply for ages; it was like she was thinking. Next thing I know, I felt the speed of light coming back to my body, and I woke up with a pounce. I opened my eyes and couldn't believe I was back home. I ran to my mother’s room and held her so tight, and told her I will never leave before she does. She didn't know what I was talking about, so I told her my experience.

Since this experience, I can’t believe how much my life has changed. I have looked at life in a different light, and that we are all here for a test. I have also found my destiny, have found a good job, and I am coping with problems much easier.

I had a Death Experience in August of l993, when I successfully committed suicide at the age of 36. So this is why I don't call it a NDE. I had grown up in a very verbally, psychologically, physically, and sexually abusive household in spite of the fact that my father was an ordained, licensed minister of the Christian faith. I was sexually assaulted in the U.S. Army by a superior during my tour of duty as a nurse. I also was assigned to work under his supervision, after the fact, for over two years. There was a great deal going on in my life at the time, being a newly divorced single mother of two beautiful children, and being militarily trained as a combat medic and then a combat practice nurse. My children's father was a policeman and was abusive to us all, during and after the marriage broke up. It was a very difficult time for us all.

I psychologically "blocked out" most of the events of the "rape" due to all of the other incredulous responsibilities I carried at the time. When I was finally finished with my obligation, I returned to the civilian sector and worked in gainful employment as a nurse. Approximately l9 months after my discharge, I later found out this was clinical textbook PTSD, I killed myself by a drug overdose. I went about my house and ingested every type of pill I could get my hands on. I guesstimate the quantity to have been close to l l/2 cups. I remember thinking to myself how I was astonished that they all went down so easily. That was around 0800 hours. I then went about the house to tidy it up and then tidied myself up with a shower. I shaved my legs, washed my hair, curled my hair, put on make-up, ironed some clothes, put them on, wrote a note, and then lay down on my bed to die. I recall that I knew my husband of one month was coming home at his lunchtime at give me my truck so I could go to work later that afternoon: at the Dept. of Corrections … Facility for the criminally insane. It gave me the bee-gee-bees working there with all the murders and child molesters.

Anyway, I recall thinking to myself that I would "hang on" until he came home and then I would "give up the ghost." (I have such incredible amends to make to him and my children and my parents for my actions.) The last thing I remember is hearing the truck pull up in the driveway out in front of the house, and then hearing the front door open and close as he entered. I thought to myself, "Now I can give up the ghost." And so I did. My spirit exited my body in the region of my upper chest/head and there was a gray type of fog/smoke surrounding my new spirit body. I began ascending through the bedroom ceiling and out above the roof top. I was so absorbed in this new world. I remember thinking to myself, "I'm dead. I'm in the world/existence that follows the physical one on Earth." I felt weightless, not just in the physical sense, but also in an emotional sense. I was aware that I was no longer in the emotional pain that had overtaken my life. I was in such a state of peace. I recall looking at my lifeless body that lay on the bed as my spirit ascended. I felt no regret. I did feel empathy for the pain that she/I had been in and then felt relief from that pain and peaceful as I "floated" upward and around the ten acres that our house rested on. The beauty of the natural settings: the wooded areas, the fields and the neighbor’s livestock. I felt "one" with them all. I "heard" them talk to me and I "talked" right back: a telepathy. Even the trees and blades of grass spoke to me. "See how beautiful and perfect we are. All we have to do is grow and exist and BE. We are all 'one'.” I "knew” that this way the way life was meant to be: perfect, flawless, complete and in harmony.

I "floated" about for some time and then I recall thinking that I wanted to go see what was going on in our house below. My husband had dragged my lifeless body onto the living room floor and was performing CPR to it. I felt no sadness; just "matter of fact.” Then his best friend arrived, relieved my husband, and began CPR on my body while my husband rushed through the house trying to find the empty bottles of what I had ingested. (My husband and his best friend were active duty … combat medic and nursing instructors.) I had returned all the empty bottles of medicines to their original places so it would be difficult for them to figure out what I had taken. I did not think about the pain I was bringing to others. I only wanted to end mine. This was not a cry for help. By being a nurse, I knew exactly what I was doing: I intended to succeed. And so I did. I recall the ambulance arriving at the house: I watched from above as I "floated" about in the sky and followed the ambulance that carried my lifeless body to the nearest hospital E.R. I watched as they arrived at the hospital and took my body inside to the E.R. staff, as the police cars came, talked to my husband and his friend: it was chaos. I felt THEIR frustration, fear, and pain and I remember wishing that I could convey to them all that they didn't have to feel all those horrible emotions: I didn't feel them in MY spirit any more; only PEACE and RELEASE FROM ALL PAIN. I wanted my loved ones to feel this same FREEDOM that I was now a part of. I continued to "hover" over the scene and I recall the doctor, after getting the report from the EMTs wanted to "call it" but my husband stepped in, refusing that diagnosis/prognosis and took charge of the "core.” The staff just stood around watching him, and then looked to the doctor in charge to say/do something. The E.R. doctor then took over agreeing to keep working to bring me back.

The next thing I recall was leaving the hospital and "flying" upward (kind of like Sally Fields in The Flying Nun) over the trees, rivers, valleys and mountain tops. I went higher and higher, all encompassing the entire Earth. I then was aware that I was being "drawn" or "pulled" to beyond the realm of Earth. I passed the clouds. The Earth was so beautiful below. (Even the most colorful photos of the Earth, that have been taken from outer space and then sent back, could not compare.) It was wondrous, this new world. I had a "new body,” so to speak. I had a head with large dark eyes, no ears, nose or mouth to speak of. I had a body with arms and legs resembling the physical body on Earth, but yet somehow very different. This new spiritual body was translucently white, but then again, it wasn't. It's so hard to describe. It "glowed" or "radiated" such light. It was not subject to gravity of the laws of physics that I had known while on Earth. If I wanted to go somewhere, I didn't use my legs to get there. I simply thought of where I wanted to go, and there I was. I could not "speak" or "hear" like the physical body, but I could "speak" and "hear" just the same. It was like telepathy. I could "hear" everything "speak" and I could do the same. I "knew what the people on Earth below were thinking and feeling without even being near to them. I automatically "knew" things and accepted this without fear or hesitation: it was normal for this new dimension I was now in. I felt myself being "drawn" upwards and left the Earthly realm. I "flew" past the moon, the other planets and the sun. It was awesome. I continued upwards into outer space where the sky was very black and stars were everywhere.

Then I found myself approaching this dark tunnel, which I can equate with what I think a black hole would look like. I was drawn to it. There was a definite entrance, yet the boundaries of this tunnel seemed to just blend in with space that surrounded it. I entered this black tunnel and continued to fly through it. There were many small colored lights twinkling in the "interior walls.” I "knew" these were "spirits" of some sort observing my arrival. I felt no emotion, just the same "matter of fact" acceptance of all this new world that I was experiencing. I flew through this tunnel for a bit and then I was aware that I was approaching this tunnels "exit.” It was the same as the entrance: there was a definite finish to it, but the borders at the exit just seemed to blend into space. It sounds like a contradiction, but it was, once again like a black hole. Upon exiting the tunnel, I found myself "floating" in space once again. But this space was different. It was the darkest black I'd ever seen and there were no stars or other planets or sun: nothingness. No warmth, no cold. No other presence; total aloneness and void. I was without any stimulus whatsoever. I was alone with myself and my own thoughts. I remember asking myself, "What is this place? It's the absence of everything that originates or that's related to GOD: no light, no nothing."

I then became "aware" of the unseen presence of a "guide" for lack of a better explanation, but there was no communication between us. I then saw to my right at a slight distance, a light which was orangish-yellowish-reddish. It was surrounded by the shape of a doorless archway and the colors I could now see were the illumination of flames. There was this shadowy figure standing there in front of the flames in the doorless archway. There was also a type of "table" which led into this place of flames. (I would describe this table as not burnable, but cold and hard. It acted as a type of "conveyor belt" for "bodies" that were to be delivered into the flames. I equate it with the rolling table in the refrigerated compartments in the morgues that dead bodies are placed into awaiting disposition.) I still felt no fear or danger or dread. It was all just a matter of fact. I still had PEACE. I "knew" this place to be the Gateway of Hell: the absence of God and the torment of one's own consequences. It was at this point that the "guide" that I "knew" was there (but had been without any communication with "him”) "spoke" to me. He told me that this is a place of fear: a place without the presence of GOD: hell. He told me that because I had no fear, even in the very act of killing myself and going onto the unknown next dimension, that this place was not where I would go. I was only to be shown it as a "warning or know ledge" to those who live in fear.

The next thing I recall is "floating" below the white ceiling tiles of the E.R. and observed the medical staff still working on my lifeless body. The doctor in charge was giving orders to the other staff: I.V.s were put in, CORE drugs administered, my clothing had been cut away, and electric cardiac shock treatments were being readied to deliver to my chest. It was after the doctor yelled "clear" and the moment the shock was administered, I was back inside of my body. I felt the incredibly powerful surge of electricity radiate through every part of my physical body, from the tips of every toe to the tips of every finger, and to the very ends of each strand of hair on my head. It was not painful, just so powerful. I remember hearing with my physical ears, the doctor, the other medical staff and my husband at my side. I began having tonic and clonic seizures. I recall thinking to myself, "I'm posturing which is indicative of major brain damage. But I can still hear everyone." I could not feel any physical sensations, however. I recall the doctor yelling at me. Apparently, he was trying to intubate me, but I was very combative and would not hold still. I heard my husband tell the doctor to instruct me to hold still so he could put in the trach tube, and do it like a superior in the Army giving me a direct order. The doctor did so, I heard his order, held still and he was then able to get the trach tube in.

That's the last thing I remember in my physical body at that point. I apparently, "coded" on them once again. I remember rising out of my body for the second time, and saw my body laying on a gurney all hooked up to life support equipment. They said that they didn't know where to put me. I was being kept alive by the life support equipment, but they supposed I was "brain dead" and were going to do EEGs to find out for sure whether or not there was any brain activity left. I heard them talking as I floated around the room where I was. They, the doctors and my husband had agreed to placing me in the SICU, do tests, and keep me alive long enough for my daughter to fly in to see me, and say goodbye, should the EEGs come back with a flat line as they anticipated. (I have so much to make amends for to my loved ones somehow, someway.)

My husband and I, my daughter and I, have never discussed this series of events: I had no memory of my DE or all that had happened until just recently, and my daughter, to this day refuses to discuss it. In fact, she will not even speak to me to this day. I am paying the consequences of my actions here in this life. I pray that someday she will forgive me. It has taken my living ten years in hell on Earth, a hell of my own making, and another suicide attempt, another conversation with God after my second suicide, to make me "see" the TRUTH. My husband and I broke up and divorced. It was too much for him, as well. I pray that he will someday forgive me, too. Not for my sake so much, as for his sake and my daughter and son, for their sakes. "Forgiveness is the best gift that we can give to ourselves.” Lack of Forgiveness, I've realized, just poisons those who refuse to "let it go,” and continues to affect our lives in a negative way until we do forgive. Forgiving sets US free. If others choose to hang on to the hurts and resentments, they sentence themselves to an existence based on fear not only in this life, but also in the next life you are given, and the next, until they learn. I'm learning, finally, to Forgive others. It matters not whether or not they receive this gift that we offer. What matters is that we choose to free ourselves from the bondage that goes with the lack of Forgiveness, or the lack of LOVE, or the lack or Mercy, or Compassion, or whatever act of fear that we hang on to. (I've gotten off my story line. OOPS.)

The next thing I remember is my spirit being "drawn" upwards again. I recall such a bright, bright light which permeated everything. I felt such a "weightlessness" again, and not just a physical weightlessness, but one of such a carefree, without a worry or doubt or pain or torment. I then "heard" this very, very, very loud noise: it was almost deafening, so to speak. I can equate it with the noise of the gigantic turbines I saw and heard once on a tour at Hoover Dam. Combine that with what I equate with the vibration and frequency of a large tuning fork. The noise penetrated everything. I got used to the noise, it seemed, because I recall seeing this brightly lit tunnel with concentric circles in it with alternating colors of soft pastels of aqua-blue-green and a pinkish-peachy-coral and solid white. It drew me into it and I felt such PEACE and LOVE. It was beyond wonderful. I traveled into this tunnel of Light and all around, in the "interior walls" were many small colored lights twinkling. I "knew" they were "spirit" of those who had gone on before and were there joyously welcoming me. I saw them standing there as I journeyed through the tunnel. I saw their faces. There were so many. I "knew" them; they were all very "familiar" to me although I didn't recognize their new "faces.” I could "hear" them all talking: they were welcoming me "home.” Then I recall coming to the "end" of the tunnel to the brightest bright I'd ever known.

Next, I was walking with this "friend" who was clad in a long white gown/robe. He was beautiful. He had hair of gold and he shone of PURENESS, LOVE, WARMTH and LIGHT. We walked together, side by side, on a green grass, with a pond as clear and blue as glass. In the pond were ducks and white geese swimming about without a care. The sky above was the softest, purest, warmest blue without a cloud in it. There were these amazing butterflies and birds flying about singing the most beautiful songs that I've ever heard: it was indeed Paradise. He and I "talked" and walked for some time. He told me that He and all there knew why I had taken my own life and there would be no judgment or penalty for my deed: all was forgiven. He told me that I had no right to take my life, or any life, however. Only GOD had the authority to give and take a life. He explained how life was sacred and was to be cherished. He told me that I was welcomed there by all and was Loved by all unconditionally. He further explained that it had not been my time to die or come "home,” yet. He said that I had not completed by mission. He told me that I was to be given the choice of staying there, or returning to finish my tasks. He then led me to what I shall call the "chamber" of a crystal palace. (The crystals were magnificent. They were more than just decoration or part of the architecture; they were somehow "alive.” They didn't move about, but they "spoke with a knowledge.” The room of this chamber was so bright. There were many "others" in the room all radiating their own and yet a common LIGHTNESS. They were all very large and dressed in white gowns/robes. Their hair shined like gold. They acknowledged me, welcomed me and "spoke.” We then were all shown the review of my entire life: every thought, every word, every action I had during my lifetime on Earth as Gayle. It was complete although it seemed to pass before on the close to l80 degree screen at a very, very rapid rate. Almost in the blink of an eye, I would say. All was "known" by all. All was "understood" automatically by all. There was only Pure LOVE present. I felt no judgment or condemnation, only Unconditional Acceptance, Peace and LOVE.

Then HE appeared: The DIVINE SUPREME INTELLIGENCE; GOD. The LIGHT that surrounded HIM, that enveloped HIM, that WAS HIM, was almost blinding. I could not see HIS face, only the brightest of brightest LIGHTS. HE WAS LOVE: I felt it. I knew it. I knew HIM. I was part of HIM. I WAS LOVE. All there were total LOVE with HIM and of HIM. It was glorious. I never wanted to leave HIS presence. I knew that HE would never leave mine, even if I chose to return to Earth. HE was part or rather the whole of me, and I was the whole of HIM. All things there were in ONENESS. HE asked me what I had chosen to do: whether to stay there in Paradise or to return to complete my mission. I knew and understood how everything "worked": the laws, if you will, of that dimension. I, without hesitation, told HIM that I chose to return: it was a choice based on LOVE. DIVINE LOVE. HE instructed me to "Make a difference, Gayle." His smile........I carry it with me. I was told that I must return right away as the time for my physical body on Earth was running out. His final words to me were, "Show LOVE. Live LOVE. BE LOVE.”

It was at that very moment that my spirit was "floating" beneath the white ceiling tiles and the white lights of the SICU where my physical body lay, all hooked up to the life support machines. I saw a young male doctor in his long white lab coat, and two female nurses. The doctor was telling the nurses that it was "time" to turn off the life support on my body. One of the nurses pled with the doctor to "give her a little more time" to see if there would be any improvement. He reminded her of the flatline EEG results and that it was the family's wish, and had also been my wish (I stated in my suicide letter that I did not want to be kept alive by artificial means) to be let go if this circumstance came to be. He then walked over to the ventilator and turned it off. At this point, that same nurse walked over to my bedside and whispered into my left ear, "Breathe. Breathe. Breathe." At that very moment, I re-entered my physical body: I heard her words out of my left ear. I then apparently began breathing on my own.

The next thing I recall is waking up in the SICU bed and was unable to speak, because I was still intubated, and was unable to move a fraction, because of the very secure four point restraints that were in place. I opened my eyes and saw the white ceiling tiles, the white overhead lights, and the ventilator to my left and I knew where I was: I was a nurse and I immediately thought of the teachings in nursing school about what a comatose patient waking up in the ICU would think and feel. I was now in the bed, instead of aside it as a practitioner. I knew exactly where I was and what had happened. (I had no recollection of my DE at that time.) I remember thinking to myself, "S-IT! I'm still alive." I started to silently cry. I remember a female nurse standing over the head of my bed, seeing me open my eyes, and say to me," Don't fall asleep. Stay awake. Don't fall asleep.” I recall thinking to myself, "What the hell. If I'm meant to die, I'll die. If not, I'll be back." I was not afraid. I felt just that same matter of fact, and so fell back to sleep. The next thing I remember is waking up again. I was still intubated and bound. I knew where I was and what was going on. I looked to my left and saw a female nurse sitting down working on a chart. I started to cry. She noticed I was awake and grabbed a tissue and walked over to the left side of my bed and dabbed my tears away. I kept on silently crying. She asked me if I would like for her to untie the four point restraints, and I nodded a yes to her. She asked me if she untied them, would I agree to not fighting, and I again nodded yes. So she untied them all. She explained that she knew that I was a nurse, and that I was intubated and could not talk. Apparently, I was left intubated so the ventilator could be the auxiliary breaths that I still needed. I was breathing on my own, but not at an adequate rate. They extubated me later that day, after my Ph balance was restored to a normal level. I remember them taking it out. Uugh.

I was still in and out of consciousness for the remainder of this, the second day. I was given meds to protect my liver from the possible damage done to it by the overdose and on the third day, I was discharged from the SICU, and walked out on my own without any obvious deficits. I have a little bit of trouble with my memory at times, but otherwise, I am whole. I praise GOD for this. The times after this were very hard for all involved. I lived in a hell of my own making for ten years. My life, my relationships all disintegrated. In 2004, I was so overwhelmed by my daughter's choice to cut me out of her and her sons' lives, that I stopped taking my antidepressants on purpose. I knew that if I stopped taking them that I would become so despondent that I would take my own life, again. It is not my daughter's, or son's or anyone else’s fault or guilt: I was and am responsible for my actions whether or not I think so. I'm paying the consequences of my choices here now in this life on Earth.

On this second attempt fairly recently, I'm not sure whether or not I died, but I do remember being in a really dark place, and "hearing" GOD "speak" to me. He asked me, "Gayle, haven't we had this conversation once before?" I remember "chuckling" with HIM over his question saying to HIM in reply, "Blessed Lord even YOU have a sense of humor in the darkest hour." The intervention of this disparaging act was in itself miraculous, and I thank and BLESS all those involved in saving my miserable life, at that time I mean, for showing the wisdom, compassion and patience they all demonstrated and still do in that day and in those that follow.

My father used to tell me, "Gayle, you're like the mule who had to get hit over the head first with a 2x4, just to get his attention. You're a hard-headed, thick-skulled German." And I'd reply, "Just like you, Sir." My life has changed dramatically, spiritually and emotionally speaking and I give all glory, praise and thanks to the GOD OF LOVE. I still have a lot of cleaning up to do in my life, and so many, many amends to make to so many, many people in my life that I have hurt. I wake up each morning and ask HIM to give me a heart of gladness so that I may be a testament and healing source to all. HE loves us all so very much as we all are his children. May we choose to live a life of LOVE not of fear. PEACE I pray for in this world of troubled times and I send BLESSINGS to you all in HIS NAME, THE DIVINE SUPREME INTELLIGENCE, GOD our HEAVENLY FATHER, TRUTH AND LOVE.

When I was 17 years old, I had the measles and Scarlet fever at the same time. I was given penicillin for the measles which turned into Scarlet fever. This particular mourning I had over slept and remember feeling like I had a heart attack. I felt my body rise up off the bed and come back down hard. At that point I remember looking down at my physical body on the bed as I rose through the house and toward a white light. I saw my house and the surrounding area as I continued to move toward the white light. I felt no pain, suffering, or other discomfort. I felt the white light was a calming peaceful place and I was drawn there. I do recall looking down at everything I knew as I floated away. I could see figures as I continued toward the white light but was not yet close enough to discern them. Right at that moment, my mom came into the room to wake me up. Mom shook me violently, and I remember being thrown back into my body. At that time I was not sure what just happened, but mom took me to our doctor right away. The doctor said, "If my mom did not bring me right over, I would have died." My temperature was at 104 degrees and the doctor had to quickly bring down the fever.

For many years after I had dreams of me leaving my body and going towards the white light. I have found that I relive the future (deja vu). I have had sleep problems ever since. I have had feelings like I have been places before when I have not. I have experienced that I can seem to make people believe things that I say without question. I have had visions of the future, for example last year in early February I had a dream about Atlanta and seven people who are killed in a fiery crash. Woke up one Saturday mourning and found the space shuttle Columbia with seven crew members aboard had disintegrated on reentry. For me, I was genuinely scared because I wondered, did I foresee this disaster with these seven people and just got the name wrong? I was numb for weeks after that.

I was in a coma after having surgery and a massive infection that shut down my kidneys, caused brain swelling, and many other medical problems. I looked to the side of my bed and an angel was standing there. She told me today would be the day that I would die, and I told her I could not because when my boys came to see me they would be upset that I never said goodbye. She told me there is no such thing as goodbye and that the second I died, God would be there to take me, and that all I had to do was take my right hand and put it into his and everything would be OK. She took me through this long tunnel filled with the most beautiful light, and all my deceased family members were there, although, I could not see their faces... The light was magnificent and comforting. At the end of this light, God was there waiting for me. I walked up to him and put my hand out, and he dropped his hand and said "No, it is not your time," and would not take my hand. The angel walked me reluctantly back through the light, That morning I awoke from the coma to the shock of my family and doctors. They had no explanation for my recovery.

I had a serious accident. Hang-gliding in 1974, I crashed and it took a couple of hours to get me off the mountain and into an ambulance. Being in shock, I had no pain until I reached the first hospital which didn't want to admit me because I had another insurance plan. I was left on a gurney and blacked out numerous times from the pain while the ambulance drivers flirted with the nurses as they awaited directions for where to take me. Finally, they took me to another hospital where I was operated on. This too took hours, and knowing that I wouldn't survive, experimental surgery (it was a practice hospital where interns were taught) including instances of what was later considered to be malpractice were done on me. After the operation, in recovery, I died on the table. I found myself high above my body watching the nurse turn me over onto my side, all the time yelling at me "cough up the blood . . . take a breath!” (In the accident, I had broken all my front teeth off at the gum level and had profuse bleeding.) The nurse would pound on my chest and periodically slap my body. As I watched all this from above I could hear her shouting, but it seemed as if it were a couple of blocks away.

I remember thinking, that if I let go, I would die and had no fear of that at all, but then remembering I had two pre-teen children and how that would impact them, I immediately snapped back into my body. (I say "snapped" because of my one other out-of-body experience, but it was not an NDE - during that one, I felt the sensation of being snapped back into my body.) But this time, it was just an immediate return.

A few days later, the nurse came into my room and we talked - mainly small talk - she was asking me how I was doing, etc. I asked her, "You're the one, aren't you.” She asked, "what do you mean?” "You're the one who was pounding on my body while I was floating above us," I told her. She began to cry and told me, "God told me not to let you go."

That statement had a profound impact upon me. I'd begun questioning whether God existed until then, had begun to experiment with some religions. Now, He has proved His existence to me in a super-natural way, a way that is so meaningful to me that I've taken risks that a normal person wouldn't . . . All in all, it was the best thing that ever happened to me; it changed my life!

I found myself at the ceiling of the hospital room. I had no body, but I was at a point of higher consciousness; a spiritual being telepathically was embracing me with love and peace like I have never known. I felt connectedness and ONENESS with all of life. I knew that I was near death, but I was so happy and liked where I was. I did look down at my mother and another female in the room, but I did not see my body nor remember getting back into it. At times I sense things before they happen or before I see someone, I sense that I will see him/her. Since my NDE, I do have chronic allergy and sinus problems which I did not before my NDE, and also I have migraines that are sensitive to weather changes. I have always had a sensitive nature, but I was not intuitive like I was/am after the NDE. I was left with an insatiable desire to learn and still feel the connectedness to all of life. I do feel that I have a mission, which may be to research NDEs cross-culturally. I did that for one of two masters degrees that I received after my NDE. I have blended Eastern philosophy with my Christian beliefs, but at the time of the NDE I was open minded. I have no fear of death, and I feel that I was enlightened spiritually.

I had many "visions". I am not sure of the time frame, as I was ill for some time. I was in a medically induced coma at one point for about three weeks. These could have come then or the months following while sedated in the hospital? Here I go....

From what I've read here on this site, is that my experiences are in the type III - Hellish Experiences. I have so much to share and have never been able to find anywhere to find/share information.

The devil was in each vision that I had. He took form of a black Chinese cat. Sometimes he chooses other forms to "trick" me, but he always had to show himself at some point as the cat.

He wanted my soul, and badly. In one vision, I remember being tied to a cargo net (much like a spiders web), and he (the cat) was in the corner, and he was waiting for me to submit my soul to him. Each time I began to waiver and say....‘ok, take me, I can't do this any more,’ he would approach and then with renewed strength, I would start reciting that my "soul belonged to Jesus Christ." With that, I became emotionally stronger and the cat would become angry and back away. Sounds weird huh? I've only just begun.

I was being held in a black room with a divider half-way between the lengths of the room. The cat (who was taking me to say goodbye) took me to one section of the divided room, and I looked down to the end. There was a window that allowed me to say "good-bye" to my mother, daughter, son and a friend; each person separately. They were crying, and I was telling that it was ok, that I was dying and they would be ok. Everyone accepted this except my friend; she was carrying on about how I couldn't die. The cat then led me to another section that I had not seen before, and it was higher like I had to be elevated to that area. At the top was a "Buddha" that looked at me and said, "Beware of what you wish for." He repeated that saying several times. At that time, the cat informed me that I had two doors from which to choose from. One was of gold gild and the other was a plain door. He opened the gilded door and through it, I could see a large green field with the sun warming it and lots of flowers and children playing and laughing. It looked inviting and fun. I told the cat that I choose that door and wished to go through it. The Buddha again repeated his words. I stepped through the door into darkness and felt myself falling and falling and falling with a panicked feeling of dread, death and hell.

The cat was laughing and telling me I choose foolishly. I said that I had changed my mind and didn't want that door and wanted to be with Jesus Christ; that he could be the only being with my soul. I continued to repeat to the devil that "he could have my body, but my soul belonged to Jesus Christ". I found myself at the platform with the Buddha again and the cat was gone. The Buddha again repeated his words’ and I looked at the plain door. I opened it and felt spiritual warmth unlike I had ever felt. I never "saw a light" or anything like others have expressed. But I knew that I was in the presence of the lord.

I have lots more experiences with the cat that I had before this one with the Buddha but I'm tired and cannot write anymore.

I flat-lined three times in the hospital. I got in a car accident in New Orleans while on vacation. The airbag gave me a blunt trauma to my liver. I went to the hospital in an ambulance from the scene of the accident and they did not catch my injury. Thinking that I was fine they let me go and I returned home. A week went by and I started feeling sharp pains around my abdomen. It got severely worse until I could not walk. I went to a family doctor in my parent’s small town and she misdiagnosed me with the flu and bronchitis. After a week on medication that was supposed to clear up my "flu," I returned to the doctor again. She prescribed some pain medication. I went home and the pain medication didn't work. Returning to the office one more time, she told me not to come back and that she has prescribed me enough medication. At that point, I wasn't even able to walk and my abdomen was swollen dramatically. I went to another doctor and he told me to go home and put a heating pad on my tummy.

The next day in near-death health, I was taken to the Emergency Room. As soon as I got there, I was diagnosed with sepsis (an infection in my blood) which has a 40% mortality rate. Then after a cat scan, they found my liver abscess that took up half of my liver (liver abscess has a 30% mortality rate), so they prepared for emergency surgery. I flat-lined once during surgery because of my liver condition and my blood infection. I also died once in the ER after catching Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS) from my body going into shock, and then once again on the helicopter when they were sending me to a bigger trauma center . I don't remember seven days out of a month of hospitalization. During those days my sister came down because the doctors told my parents to call the immediate family because they thought I wouldn't make it. She spent three days with me at the hospital. I talked with her and many other people, but I don't remember any of it.

When I woke up it felt a feeling like I knew where I was and what happened, but I really had no idea what happened to me that week. I don't remember anything like a light or a spirit, but I was very calm and in good spirits during and even after realizing what happened. All I know is that I am a totally different person. People tell me that I look better than before my NDE, but I think I pay more attention to my appearance now since I feel sort of dirty with experiences: like I am a veteran with a thousand stories and no one to tell, or no one to understand my issues, or a innocent looking girl, but underneath she has some baggage that has more scars than an unlucky stuntman. No man will ever feel stronger than me since I have been through war with life and death. But now I am not scared of death anymore, because I felt a peace in the hospital that was warming and calm. I know now that it is a very peaceful place and god puts a fake terror of dying in everyone so we won't want to die right away so we can live our life.

I am having many problems keeping my friends right now. A lot of so-called friends before my NDE have abandoned me (maybe because of the fear of getting close to someone that is on the edge of death or there fake death phobia is kicking in). But on the plus side, I have gotten really close to my family now and less so with friends. I do have some weird sort of psychic ability now, like finishing other people's sentences. or asking questions they were just about to ask. .Plus I have been motivated more in learning now. I still go to school even though it’s only been a few months since I died in the hospital. .I can't have a normal conversation with anyone now (unless they don't know me). They have that look in their eyes like an overprotecting mom, or a sort of pity for me. No one asks questions about this; or if I bring it up they get too frightened and change the subject, or they just flat out tell me they cannot talk about it.

My life has always been a little bit stranger than other's lives, but what I experienced a few months ago has to top it all. Now I just wish someone could really understand and not just act like they understand. But in the end I will be okay.

I was experiencing a difficult time in my life and I was filled with a lot of internal anger. I was doing methamphetamine regularly; it would help my emotional pain. (Or so I thought at the time.) I was realizing a lot of realities about the world that were evil and not what I wanted them to be. I had been hurt and taken advantage of by several of my friends. I was so full of anger I thought I would explode. One night, it was late, I sat down, very, very tired. I asked God from the bottom of my heart, to take away my anger, cause I knew that was not the way I was meant to feel.

All of a sudden, I was in a different place. I didn't see anyone, but I saw a wide, open green field about me. It was beautiful. I felt a sense of peace and happiness that was so wonderful, I can't even begin to explain it. Suddenly, questions I had pondered about started "just coming into my mind". I knew the answers to them. I "just knew". I understood why people sometimes "harden their hearts" and hurt others, whether purposely or not. I understood that my body was my shell for my time on this earth and that I was here to learn and to grow (should that be what I chose to take from my experiences. Here, Love had no boundaries. There was love everywhere, it was soo strong, you could feel it. I had no needs, wants or worries; I felt like all was ok.

I came out of it and was totally in awe. It changed a lot with me. At first, the bad came. It was like I lost all my boundaries. I had a hard time in this world as I was so focused on my experience. People would get upset with me, I did "inappropriate things" as perceived by this world. Everyone thought it was just the drugs, but I knew it was not. I attempted off and on to quit the drugs, but not before some trouble with the police, a divorce, identity theft, and the loss of my job. I hit rock bottom and truly got to know the Lord. I had some hard times, but slowly pulled myself up to where I am now. I still see society totally different from others; many times my view makes others dislike me. But I am ok with that.

I absolutely do not fear death; I had felt like I had a choice to die, like I was being asked, no voices, it was just in my head. When I was really down, I so wanted to die, I even asked God to take me, but he didn't and I know it was because the other part of me was battling the thought of leaving my kids. My mom died when I was 18 and I wanted my kids to have their mother for a long time. I eventually quit the drugs all together, I am back with my husband and my view remains. It has helped me to understand a lot, which has helped me to better deal with those around me. It has also helped me learn to love myself. (I work on this daily.) I know that no one will ever love me the way God does; they don't have the ability to. I now understand that. I wouldn't trade my experience for anything, I think it SAVED my life. I wasn't sure what happened to me at first, but I started reading and found others who have had NDE's , but had not been in any health danger. I now know, this is what I had.

My daughter had died in 1994, age 33, of breast cancer. I was devastated about her death and was grieving. One day I was coming home, driving my car, when all of a sudden I felt my body drifting to the passenger side of the car. I felt as light as a feather and such a wonderful peace. I then said “I think I am having a out-of-body experience,” and after I had said that, I flew back into my body. To be honest I did not want to come back, the peace I felt while out of my body was the most wonderful feeling I have ever had. The learning experience I got out of this was that I believe God was telling me that my daughter felt that wonderful all the time now as she was with him. I have a deeper belief in religion now. I have shared this with a few people, whether they believe me or not, I do not know, but I know it happened as I was fully awake and driving my vehicle.

I don't remember how I fell down while horse jumping . I was in a dark narrow round tunnel, and moving towards a bright white light that was no hurt for the eyes, rather mild . As I stood still, someone behind my shoulder said “don't be scared, no harm, no sweat, take it easy, you can go forward, it's really great!” I felt most peaceful and happy that in my entire life . But I knew I was not in the earth dimension any more. Approaching the ridge of the tunnel widening, I was inside the white light, being a small light in the infinite light. I hesitated and went back on earth suffering and crippled. I wish I had never come back was my last reborned thought.

I only thought I was just tired, I didn't know what I was about to encounter. I'll try to make this to the point as much as I can possibly. When I was 17 years old, I had migraine headaches (like many people!), but I went to a clinic doctor at the hospital when I got an especially painful migraine and subsequently received a new medication. Little did I know that I was supposed to tell them about the other medicine I was taking (I was just a teenager and was not paying attention). As they discovered later, those were the worst medicines to mix because it can severely affect circulation and affect the heart, which it did.

I went home and lay down and closed my eyes. I could not sleep because the headache was too painful and after a short time (after taking both the different medicines), my body felt tense and tight, and then the necklace charm I was wearing was bouncing a tiny bit off my chest. My friend and my Mom were both there and saw the necklace charm bouncing (they saw it happen). The main thing I remember is that I went from feeling tense physically to suddenly feeling like I was lighter than air so to speak. Then I suddenly was surrounded by a churning black darkness and it was like swirling around me, like I wasn't standing in it but kind of floating in it. I heard a very frightening moan that even though it wasn't quite a sound, it was a feeling that made me think of a scary creature, and I felt its presence and I started to see a light at the same time. At first the light looked small then grew larger really fast. I am a Christian but I don't remember thinking of Jesus immediately. I felt more like a sitting duck just in awe. Then it was like a giant vacuum force grabbed me away from the darkness and pulled me into the light, but gently. It did not hurt me; it was like I already knew who was grabbing me away as if I was not surprised at all. That part I don't understand, but I just remember feeling safer than when I was in the swirling black stuff. I remember after that I was pulled into a realm I did not recognize, But the very clear memory I have held onto was that a peaceful presence came next to me and I felt confused. Then it manifested into what I feel was a being that reminded me of the feeling I had when I prayed to Jesus during life. It said (rather I felt the 'words') that "You are not ready yet, you have to return." I recall refusing to, but respectfully and almost like begging. I remember after that I felt the being surround me with the most incredible feeling of being loved, like a parent or a mother holding her child in her arms, that's the comfort and intensity of love I felt. The only other part I remember is being shot back into my body.

People around me were really freaked out because they said I stopped breathing, and could not hear them, and the ambulance was on its way. I was frustrated to be back on earth in my body; but I was elated to know that I experienced the love of that being, and that it would be there for me again one day, so maybe I just hold onto that sometimes. I really feel strongly that because of this experience, that there really are evil forces and good forces, and I wonder if this life shapes our souls, but that is just my feeling.

In 1961, when I was thirteen-years-old, I lived near a test pit. the pit/pool had been surplused out of service, and with the addition of water and pool ladders had been turned into a fairly nice swimming pool.

The only drawback was that the pool water was not heated, and as anyone who has lived [there], would tell you, with only slight exaggeration, that a summer there could be compared to a winter in Seattle. Even though the water temperature was less then 55 Fahrenheit (13 Centigrade), it could not have been much more of a shock to my thirteen-year-old skinny, 100 lbs., system than had I jumped into a vat of ice cubes.

My Near Death Experience

So this is what happened. It was on a Saturday afternoon, late in summer just after school commenced.
We got there just before 2:15 that afternoon, where we met many of our Canadian friends.

After the usual chitchat and junior high horseplay we all went around to the deep end of the pool. I was the first to enter the water by attempting a stylish racing dive. Wham, I mean it was like standing in a puddle and sticking your finger in a light socket, and I was off to the other end, swimming like hell as I realized how freaking cold it was. All of a sudden, after a few numbing strokes, something happened. The cold was gone and I was swimming in a cloud and it was easy, as easy as I have ever known anything in my life, but a lot easier than that. I mean it was like my body was perfect, and I was flying, and it was unbelievably easy and very, very comfortable. The cloud was iridescent white, like mother of pearl, and as I moved forward it got brighter and brighter. It was so bright and so white, yet my eyes were not bothered by it in the least, it was perfect. I kept moving forward as I felt I was being drawn to something and all I knew is that I wanted to go there. Further along, I began to make out shapes that I began to distinguish as two beings. The light was getting brighter and I was warm all over. One being was very much larger than the other one. They were cloaked in white even more radiant and pure than the light. The diminutive one was to the left, from my perspective, and a little behind. Their faces were without any features, but I knew that I was basking in a love and warmth that to this day I could never describe except to say that within it dwells perfection and all that there is, everything, is known and understood. Finally, I began moving away, although I remember resisting with all of my being as I didn’t want to leave, not then, not ever. It was getting darker and finally dark when all of a sudden I became conscious. Two lifeguards were standing over me and I didn’t feel too well as I had apparently taken in lots of water. They said that I hadn’t been breathing for several minutes, approximately ten minutes. I couldn’t speak. I was back and I would never be the same.

The Kicker

Remember the time line. I went in the pool at approximately 2:30 PM. I was pulled out about five minutes later, not breathing. The lifeguard worked on me for approximately ten to twelve minutes, as he recalled, without a response. Shortly before 3:00 PM his replacement came on. His replacement had just arrived back that same afternoon from the International Red Cross, where he had just been taught the new technique of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. He saved my life.

From that day forward I’ve never been afraid of crossing over to the other side. Remember though, you can’t defeat your purpose.

In 1997 I became a near death survivor, and I want to share my story because I hope that somewhere someone else might understand.

I saw myself lying in my hospital bed from both above and next to it. I saw that there was only one nurse in the room, sitting in a rocking chair watching over me, I knew it was okay for me to leave the room. I walked down the hall and began to feel a warm sensation, I followed it into a tunnel that grew brighter, and as I walked along I began to smell wonderful flowers, I knew they were carnations. As I reached the end of the tunnel I realized that I was dressed as woman dressed in 1940. As I reached the end there were clouds that seemed to be parting, and there I saw a pair of hands. At the sight of them I was overcome with emotion, a deep in-my-soul feeling of grief, happiness, and love. I knew without looking at the face of the person who he was, my grandfather, who had died in WWII, 20 years before I was born.

As I stepped out I was aware that we were in a town, and walking down the sidewalk of main street. Everyone who we passed or talked to knew my grandfather and was real excited to see that I had come to see him. All of the woman in town were dressed in there Sunday best. We passed a hat store, a butchers market, a pharmacy, and the streets were lined with dogwood trees in full bloom. As we walked, we did some talking. He told me he had been waiting a long time to talk to me, that he knew I would be the only one who could correct things. He told me he had watched my dad (his only child) grow, and had grieved with my grandmother (his wife) for all that they missed, but that he was proud of her for raising my dad alone. We talked about when I was born, how my mother kept stating that a man in a uniform had walked into the room, smiled and left, the doctors told her it was from the medication. She had never told me this but when I asked her, she turned real pale.

Anyway, we decided to have fried chicken for supper and after we went to his house, which I knew very well, my grandmother had kept it until the 1980's, I slept in a huge bed with blankets fresh from hanging on the line. It was such a real feeling of being home, safe and loved. I felt such a peace that night. Over the next few days we really talked, and he asked me to tell him what I had been told growing up about him. I felt such sorrow, I had really never been told much, other than he was killed while training in flight school in WWII; that was it. It was a subject that was not brought up, and I honestly had no interest in. My grandfather took my hands and asked me to do something for him. He asked me to look into his crash because the Army had not given the families the correct findings, and that they all (his crew) needed there families to know. I asked him how to do this, and he just looked real deep into my soul and said I would know how. He also asked that I take our family history and continue it, that it would be a wonderful journey.

My grandfather told me that it was time for me to go back. I felt all of these strong emotions, the biggest two were a deep sense of sorrow and grief and a real connection of love, a deep feeling of having a knowledge of him that only he and I share. I tried to lock in my memory everything I could about him, the way he looked, talked, smiled, and how wonderful he smelled. We held each other for a long time and I cried like I had never done before. I just knew I did not want to leave him. As we walked down the street towards the white light and clouds, I asked him if I would see him again. He told me he would always be with me, like the warm light. I entered the tunnel and walked back to my room, and found the same nurse still rocking in her chair. I know she smiled at me.

It was July 1966 in that late afternoon. I was playing with my friends near the edge of a wooded area next to my home. My Mom told me to come inside as a storm was approaching and thunder could be heard in the distance. I was having too much fun, so I ignored her and continued to play. Suddenly there was a very loud BOOM and I felt as if I had been hit by a car from behind. I was thrown to the ground, at which time I tried to move and was unable to. I had been hit by "ball" lightning - I could see the "ball", it was big, made of fire and had spikes poking out of it. At this time I was seeing myself and the entire area from above the trees. Some of the trees were on fire and I could also see my Dad getting back to his feet (he had been thrown to the ground from the force), as he had already been heading out to get me since I did not come in per my Mom's orders. I was not afraid at all. I had no pain and I started to say "good-bye" to my siblings, parents, friends and neighbors. I did not know where I was headed to, but fear and pain were not present at all. I could see my Dad pick me up off of the ground and shake my limp body; he was crying out my name. Suddenly I was looking into his eyes and I was no longer looking down on this scene. Dad then ran back to the house with me as the fire department arrived to put out the fire, and then I was taken to the hospital for follow-up. My exam was completely negative except for some strange burns that looked like jagged lightning in the sky. They started at my right shoulder and traveled diagonally down my body and ended at my left foot. At the time of this blast, my tennis shoes were tied, but I was thrown completely out of them. They were about 20 feet from my body and the left one had the bottom blown out of it. I stayed in the hospital that night for simple observation and then in the AM there were some photographers that came to take pictures of my burns. They said that most people die from this type of incident, so to have these pictures would be great for medical books, etc. The burns stayed for a few days and then went away. My Mom says that I was a very scared and insecure child for quite some time after that, but eventually life was normal once again. Needless to say - I have never spent any time outside in the presence of lightning or thunder since!!

It is now February, 2004. To the best of my memory and writing style, this is a complete accounting of what I experienced thirty-three years ago. My intent is to record this while I still am able. The reader should appreciate that some of this is memory that I did not want to ever remember. I tried to push it from consciousness. Over the years I have tried to focus only on the good and not on the evil. But, I am acutely aware that there are both.

This is my account. It happened to me and I am stuck with it.

The year is 1971. I’m fourteen years old and it is the summer of my freshman year of high school. I applied to work at a Boy Scout summer camp for the third year running. The first two summers I applied I wasn’t offered a position. This year was my last chance and the camp director offered me a job working in the camp kitchen. It’s not what I had in mind but I accepted.

The camp ran like clock work. Each Saturday all of the scouts left the camp and on Sunday, a new bunch of troops arrived. On the first day of their arrival, campers were required to pass a swim test to be allowed to participate in lake activities. Since working the kitchen was hard with little time off, and since I was a certified Junior Lifeguard, I volunteered to watch over the new campers as they performed their swim test. Each of the guards was supplied a long aluminum pole to act as lifeline in the case someone had to be pulled dockside. Swimmers were required to swim two laps unassisted along a boat slip bordered on three sides by dock. For the swim test, the open side was bounded by buoys along a length of rope.

On this particular day, I had watched several groups perform their test without incident. However, during one of the evaluations, one swimmer, a boy of 13 years old or so, started to struggle and cried out for assistance. All I had to do was lower the pole so he could grab on and I would pull him out. But, instinctively, my life guard training came into play and I jumped feet first into the water with legs spread apart like on a bicycle. Quickly I grabbed the boy, spun him around and placed him in a carry position with my arm across his chest diagonally. It is a very secure hold and one that prevents him from fighting me if he panics. Since he was quite docile and since this hold is tiring, I decided I could place him in a chin carry instead. That was a mistake since the boy felt less secure and became anxious. In a split second of panic and before I knew what happened, he struck the side of my head with a round house right hook. The blow to my head was severe and dazed me. I fought to maintain consciousness. As my awareness slipped from me, I began to sink into the water deeper and deeper. Because I had been exerting myself carrying the boy back to dockside, my body needed oxygen. My chest instinctively heaved, forcing my lungs to breath water into them. To my amazement it wasn’t so bad. My lungs were full which took the pressure off. But, I knew I was going to die today. I felt my arms and body go limp. I was sinking watching the water go from light green to dark.

What’s happening? What is that? It doesn’t make sense. I think I see people running here and there along wooden paths. Oh, that’s water I see, and those are the wooden docks. The boy I was saving is alone in the water now. He’s looking around frantically. He’s crying. I get it. I’m floating above everything and I’m looking down onto the lake and the docks. I don’t see me because I’m under water. But how can I be seeing this? Why? I’m at maybe 50 feet above the water. I want down. I belong down there. How do I get down?

As if I have a rubber band attached to my back that reaches its limit, I am pulled higher into the sky. Holy cow, I don’t see the lake anymore. I’m in the clouds. The earth pulls away from me. I can see it and it’s getting smaller. I’m in space. It’s dark except for the stars. Slowly, they start to move streaking the black backdrop and forming lines of light. As I pick up speed, I feel I am moving to the end of the universe with the stars whizzing by me. The lights create a walled effect like warp drive in Star Trek. I’m moving fast -- faster than is possible yet there is no real sensation except for sight. Then into darkness.

It’s black. Pitch black. I see nothing. There is nothing. I strain to see something, anything. I don’t like this. I’m scared. I feel I am in a universe devoid of all things. It is vast without end and completely and utterly empty. There is no one else, nothing else. I am alone. There is no person, no life, no death, no love, no hate, no salvation. There is only a vast emptiness except…for me. The loneliness overwhelms my senses. I would welcome anything. Please. Please. I can’t stay here.

Wait. I see something. Do I hear something too? Is my mind playing tricks? I hear laughter. I don’t know if I like the sound of it though. I see a pin point of light. It’s getting larger but I can’t make out what, if anything, it is. The laughing is getting louder too. The light starts to form a shape. Huh? I can’t believe what I am seeing. It can’t be. It is. It can’t be. I see a face. Except it’s not a face. I don’t quite recognize it because it’s a skull and it’s laughing. It isn’t a good laugh. It’s sinister. He’s mocking me, gleeful at my plight. It’s a terrible sound that sends shutters through me. It speaks and tells me I am there forever, with him. I begin to hear others talking. They are coming nearer with conspiratorial voices that are evil and menacing. The skull brought them or they followed. I’m scared. I feel their presence encircling me. These are creatures of the darkness. I can’t see them. I sense them. They’re near. They are as dark as the surroundings. The skull continues laughing. Ouch. Something clawed me and I am being bit as if being tasted. Then, they are set loose upon me clawing, scratching and biting. It feels like my skin is being stripped off. Oh, the pain. God help me please. I can’t take this. God, please help me. The attacks continue. Then I recall an old parish priest told me that evil cannot remain in the presence of God. I call out, Lord, Jesus Christ help me please. Help me. The attacks subside and soon stop altogether. The dark entities of evil slink away into the darkness. I am alone again in the black emptiness but I am relieved.

Some moments later I see something again. It’s another pin point of light. Oh god, please don’t let it be that skull again. It’s coming closer and separates into more than one light. What are these? They get larger. They look like soap bubbles. Lots of soap bubbles. Lots and lots and lots of soap bubbles. They’re everywhere. Hundreds, thousands and then millions of them. The colors are magnificent, lively and translucent. Each bubble dances about in its own way. They are alive. They don’t harm me. They are good. I’m confused why I am seeing this. What are they? The bubbles begin to move past me slowly at first and then faster. I’m moving or they are. I’m not sure which. The movement of the bubbles past me generates streaks of red and violet light bars encapsulating me into a tube of colored light culminating in a far away vortex. I have no choice but to move through it.

When I reach the end I hear, “It is time to review your life experiences.” Who’s there? Who said that? I don’t see anyone. “I’m the one watching over you.” Are you my guardian angel? “If you like. Yes.” It was nice to be in the presence of another. And with that, like watching a big movie screen, my life was portrayed before me instance by instance, moment by moment. It would be normal to think that this would take some time, but time doesn’t exist.

There’s Billy. He’s about 5 or 6 years old. I used to play with him when I was a little kid. We’re playing with cars behind the orange-brick duplex across the street from where I live. I say something bad to Billy. It’s not a nice thing. I’m being mean and spiteful. The difference now is I feel him hurting. He’s crying. I feel his anguish. Oh, I’m sorry Billy. I shouldn’t have hurt you like that. And so it went on, moment by moment, review by review feeling the results of my actions until my time in the lake.

Why am I going through this? My Angel replied, “You review your life in order to cleanse your soul. How do you feel?” Terrible. I am such a mean person. I didn’t realize I hurt others that much. “It’s important that you learn from this.” I have. I take responsibility and I’m so sorry. “Would you like to see it again?” No, I get the message. I hope that I am not judged poorly. “Your life is evaluated by the most powerful judge there is.” When does that happen? “It already has. That judge is you.” It all becomes clear to me and I feel as if a weight has been removed. I am refreshed. I am ready now. The cleansing is over and I am left in darkness once again but not for long.

Wow -- a blast of light like a door opening into the darkness. I’m confronted with streaks of bright, white, brilliant light. It’s overwhelming. It is the purest and whitest light I have ever seen. It covers me like a blanket. Light this bright should be impossible to look at but it isn’t. It’s warm and wonderful. The light bathes me with a glow of overpowering love and inner peace. It’s absolutely wonderful. I move closer.

Someone is standing in the doorway. Streaks of white light stream around his body. He’s dressed in a white robe. His arms are down, outstretched with palms upward. I can’t seem to make out his face no matter how hard I try. There’s too much light.

“We have been waiting for you. But, this isn’t your time to be here.” I know that voice. He is familiar to me. Why can’t I recognize who you are? I must know you. I feel such a sense of inner serenity that I have never felt before. I like this place. I want to stay here. I sense that if I take his hand I can stay. In fact, if I touch him I must stay. I will not be allowed to return to my prior existence. I don’t want to return. I reach out to him but can’t quite touch him.

“Before you go you may look into the future.” He motions to his left. To my right, I notice a white table. It is stone, perhaps marble. On the table is a flat gold bowl filled with a liquid like oil or water. It’s reflective and dark. Behind the table are three old men in white. Two are sitting. One is standing next to something like a pillar or a podium. There may be a book on it. They motion for me to come closer and I do. “Look into the bowl and see the future of mankind.” I peer into the black liquid and see devastation. Cities are on fire. It’s horrific. I turn away. I don’t want to see this. Why are you showing me this? “We want you to take a message back with you. Man must change his ways.” But, I’m only one person. What can I do? “Spread the message.” He continued, “You have a special ability.” I know he was referring to my paranormal senses. “I am going to ask you a question. Whatever is your first response is the one we will accept. You cannot change your mind afterwards. Do you understand?” Yes. I do. What’s the question? “Do you want these powers you have and the ability to see into the future?” Immediately, I respond, no, I just want to be normal. “Very well then. It is done.”

I withdraw from this area and once again I find myself before the man in the white robe blocking my access. I want to enter. It feels so wonderful here. Can I stay here? “You have work yet to do. You cannot remain. It is not your time.” But, I want to stay. Please, let me. “I will show you something.” With that, three small bubbles appeared from the darkness on the left. They get larger. They are like the bubbles I had seen before. As they get nearer I can see the faces of three small children, two boys and one girl. Who are they? “They are your children.” But, I’m only fourteen. I don’t have any children. “You will and these are them. Don’t you see? You must return in order for these children to be born.” As I look at their faces, I realize one bubble stands off from the other two. Why is he separate? “He is never born. He is your child but he will remain here.” Huh? How can that be? He’s not born but he’s my child? “You will understand one day. You must remember that while he remains here that he exists and that he loves you.” With that said, the other two children depart becoming smaller until they disappear. “It is now time that you return.”

I try again to reach out and touch him but I am being yanked backwards. The light becomes smaller. I am in darkness again moving backwards. I know I am returning. Then, CRACK. With a jolt I am back in my body. I find that I am sitting on the bottom of the lake in the mud. I have to get up for air. My legs flex. My arms start to paddle upwards. Will I make it? I don’t think I can. It’s got to be 10 or 12 feet or more. I need air. Struggling, I finally feel air with my right hand. With another stroke or two I break the surface. Immediately I cough up water from my lungs. The swimming boy is terrified. I see it in his eyes. He begins to help me. That’s ironic. Still coughing and gasping little by little I get air into my lungs and it feels good. One of the senior waterfront instructors runs towards us down the dock. Quickly I resume pulling the boy to shore. I’m exhausted but somehow I manage to do it. The boy is saying, ‘I was helping you.’ I cut him off and push him up onto the dock with the assistance of the senior instructor. He congratulates me on saving the boy. I’m dazed and confused. I say nothing and get out of the water. My body is in tact but my mind reels with what just happened.

Prior to this episode in my life I had many paranormal experiences. Afterwards, the activity subsided. It wasn’t eliminated by any means but I can live with it and interpret things better. All in all, the old men I had talked to made me ‘normal’ and I am grateful.

Over the years I have asked myself why a fourteen year old would encounter such an evil entity. After all, how bad can a fourteen year old boy’s life be that he should deserve such treatment? I have concluded that mine was an unplanned journey to the other side so family members and friends there were not prepared for my arrival. Since no one knew I was coming, I became a target of opportunity for the dark side entities. Conversely, I like to think at the appropriate time someone will help me navigate a safe passage.

At the time of this near-death experience, I was a Catholic. Afterwards, I continued to go to a Catholic school. In fact, the school was a pre-seminary grooming boys for the priesthood. But I was changed. Religion, any religion didn’t matter to me anymore. I no longer saw the church as the endpoint but rather as a vehicle some people use to the endpoint. My view now centers on the concept of a Creator with a divine plan that is revealed to us at his pace in his own time. Had I met the Creator? I don’t know.

An interesting side note to this story is that I studied classical Greek the following two years in school. During that time I learned of the ancient Greek belief in the Fates. These were old sages typically depicted in white robes with white beards. If I recall correctly there were three of them. One Fate determined a person’s time of birth, another the time of death and the third measured a man’s life. I have to admit that the similarity to my near death experience unnerved me when I learned of this. Could I have talked to the Fates?

Years later, I met the woman I would marry. Although she still doesn’t believe me, the very instant I saw her my head went boing like a spring releasing its energy. I instantly knew I had met my future wife. And, as predicted, we had three children although one was miscarried and was never born. And so, indeed, I did come to understand.

What else have I learned? I know that our actions affect others in both positive and negative ways and that we will come to appreciate this fact in the next place. I know there are indeed evilness and goodness, darkness and light, suffering and serenity. I know that mankind has the capability of extinguishing itself. But above all else, I know that our souls, our being, what it is that we are does not die. The journey continues for us beyond this world. At a minimum, we gain a new perspective in the next place. It just may not be a complete understanding of all things. And while we search for the solution to life’s equation we may return to this world in a new instantiation but wearing the same fabric of our existence. I also like to think that we are born afresh with those other souls with whom we choose to travel. That is how I recognized my wife when I first saw her. And so it is. After every life we live we become stronger and truer, tempered by our experiences until such time as we may complete our journey and we are truly born.

I was driving to school in the rain when my car hydroplaned in front of an 18wheeler truck. I tried to avoid the accident by turning the steering wheel. We hit driver side to driver side and my car slid down the side of the truck. I don't remember hearing the crash. The next thing I knew was I was surrounded by black, almost like black velvet. I felt like I was floating up and to the right. I felt good, safe, not hot or cold, just wonderful. Then I saw the most beautiful light. It was this great bright white light, but it didn't hurt my eyes. It was beautiful. He (the light) asked "ARE YOU READY?" Only he didn't talk in words it was more like mental telepathy. I said "Yes, but of the children." Which doesn't even sound like I normally talk. I don't remember Him saying anything else, but it was like all knowledge was there and all your questions were answered. I can't remember the answers. But I did come back with the feeling that we are very much all connected and the only thing that matters is LOVE. I felt like I was sucked back and to the left into my body. I woke up laying across the seat of my car saying "Oh, my God." I was cold, wet, covered in blood and glass. I saw the truck driver standing in the rain and he looked so scared. I thought "Shut up Jan you are scaring this guy to death." I was in my first year of nursing so I started to evaluate my wounds. I was having trouble breathing, and I thought my leg was broken. It turned out I had a 70% pneumothorax on the left side and a 30% pneumothorax on the right side. The windshield had fallen in my lap and cut through three muscles in my leg which caused the pain in my leg. I was taken to a small rural hospital They were all busy and rushing around. Putting in chest tubes and such. I remember looking at my hands and thinking. Oh so this is what cyanosis looks like, and what’s the big deal: if I die I die. I know that dying is no more traumatic than walking from the living room to the kitchen at least for the one who is dying. I also know this is the most real thing in my life no one will ever convince me otherwise.

About 8 years ago, I had emergency heart surgery, because I had contracted a severe infection from pericarditis. Which my physician stated it was by god's grace I was still alive!

When I was in recovery (ICU), I had a dream. I use this word loosely because it was unlike any "dream" I had ever experienced before. I will not go into all of the details now, but I must state that never does a day pass that I don't recall and relive the experience. It changed my whole intellectual and spiritual approach to "religion"! I am currently an individual very much aware that this experience we call "life" is only transitory. It is a place of preparation, of choices, of opportunities to grow, unlike any other place. I found thru my experience a "universality" that all religions and religious beliefs are merely vain attempts to express a simple truth. That the golden rule was the central rule in which to live our lives! I must admit also that it has been difficult at times to continue on with this process called "living" after experiencing an indescribable experience! Life here pales in comparison to what awaits us. But I was clearly told: "it is not your time!"...and like a rebellious child I rebuked this voice and wanted to remain in this realm of total "completeness", but found that it was an effort fought in vain... and I can still recall returning to my body like a hand in a glove... and bouncing back from the floor beneath me back into my body. As I began to slowly awaken, I still experienced this wonderful feeling of complete unconditional love and acceptance... and as I awoke I began to re-experience my 5 senses in a new way, as if I had never used them before! And also, the feeling of "completeness" began to slowly fade away and I began to feel the coldness of my body, and I began to cry, both out of gratitude and also out of selfishness.

I have no fear of death now. I see each day as a gift and an opportunity. I try every day to live the golden rule in all my affairs, and honestly some days I fail miserably. But the "living one" is patient like a parent would be with a child, and for this I am thankful...because I now realize there is a "universality", an inter-connectedness of all people, things, nature, etc. A divine plan if you will. So with this I will close for now. Shalom.

It was the end of winter 1971. I was a part of the hippie culture of the late 60s & 70s which was mostly based around drugs like LSD and cannabis plus others. My 3 friends & myself had rented a house together here in England. We all 'worked' together each day as salesmen. Most of our evenings were spent in the house on drugs, parties along with girlfriends, etc. This particular night I had taken a LSD tablet and was having my third bad trip. During my horrible hallucinations, I fell down the hallway stairs.

Suddenly I found myself within this beautiful white Light. It was so nice being there and I felt wonderfully blissful. I was not conscious of having a body like we have here, but nevertheless I felt I was a whole person. There were other 'things' within the Light, but not near enough for me to make them out, even whether they were animate or inanimate? Either way I was very, very happy and would have liked to have stayed there.

Then I heard this voice. It was such a beautiful voice. I 'knew' it to be the voice of God, though I could not see Him. His voice had no source that I could make out and seemed to be all about me. He simply said, 'Come to Me.' Three words only, yet each one seemed to me to be full of infinite meaning and so beautifully spoken and so full of love.

And then I awoke on a hospital trolley.

Prior to this event I had never even thought much about God or religion. My family were never church goers. But from that point onwards up to today, I have had an unshakeable belief in the existence of God and hardly any fear of death. From that time onwards, I gave up the drugs scene and later joined a religious organisation called 'The Hare Krishna Movement'. For the next 10 years or so I devoted my whole life to the study of God realisation. I gave up smoking also and alcohol. Even tea and coffee. And I tried to remain celibate too. Today, though I have left the movement, my faith in God is still unshakeable. And though the church has no attraction for me for various reasons, I still pray regularly and am always trying to make myself a better person, and pray that God will forgive me my many sins before this life ends.

I had overdosed on a combination of prescription and non-prescription drugs and alcohol. To this day neither I nor the attending physicians know what the non-prescription drugs were, although I have been told that they were most likely opium based (e.g. heroin).

My brother called the paramedics after breaking down the door to my bedroom after I had locked myself in the bedroom for almost two days straight. My brother later told me that he could not detect a significant pulse. The paramedics (and later attending physician) confirmed that I was apparently clinically dead for either one minute or perhaps a little longer.

I was later in a coma for just over three days.

During the time of my death and (I assume, but still am not sure) the coma, I experienced what I would consider two NDEs. The first, and by far the more disturbing, began immediately, I believe, after the onset of clinical death. I felt that I had left my body in an excruciatingly painful manner, as though I were being ripped from my own body. The best way I could describe it is as if I were giving birth to my own disembodied consciousness and experiencing the exact same pain that a woman might experience when giving birth to a child. I was also unbelievably frightened at the prospect of having to leave my own body since I had never experienced anything like it in my life before.

I vaguely remember seeing the team of paramedics working on my body and my brother standing in the doorway of my bedroom. My brother was visibly shaken, clutching the doorway, crying I believe. But the scene quickly evaporated beneath me as I flew through the ceiling of my house, through the air, the atmosphere, and then into "outer space". I remember seeing the entire earth vanish below me as I continued my journey. The earth was beautiful, but somewhat disappointing for some reason that I did not understand. It was at that moment that I apparently realized the significance of what had just happened, that I was dead, and immediately I stopped being afraid.

I then experienced what I think of as restrained or "cautious" bliss. I was not the least bit sorry that I had died and immediately began marveling and wondering at what I could now do in this new existence. All of these emotions came incredibly quickly and were not really "emotions" as I have ever experienced the concept. Also, "thoughts" (again I would have to say not thoughts in the human sense) came even more quickly than the speed of light it seemed. The actions attached to those thoughts, or perhaps actions as consequences of those thoughts, came just as quickly. I seemed to be able to perceive space and time outside of my locality because I did not perceive concepts such as "locality", "time", or "distance". I could "think" of a location (again for lack of a better word) and immediately I was there. I could leave the Milky Way or even return to the vicinity of the Earth if I wanted to. I also sensed that I was no longer who or what I used to be. I seemed to lose all memory of what I used to be (a human being) and now I purely "existed" without a clear cut sense of my self or my own existence. Yet I also felt somehow alone, as if no other consciousness existed in addition to my own. It was an extremely confusing feeling that still boggles my imagination, even some ten years after the experience.

After some "time" (again the concept really had no meaning) existing in this state, I felt the urge to travel beyond what I perceived (after waking up from the ensuing coma) the known universe. I remember stars, galaxies and nebulas zooming passed me as I traveled. I did not actually feel as though I was traveling, but more as though I was stretching my unique consciousness to its unknown limits. All the while, I felt (again after waking up) that I was still trying to get used to this new existence.

After traveling for I do not know how long, I apparently came upon what I can only describe as an intelligent, or at least conscious, entity of some sort. The entity appeared blacker than black, like a black hole itself. Its blackness seemed to eclipse everything else around it. I sensed somehow that this entity was extremely malevolent, unimaginably angry and hostile towards me and everything else. While the entity did not seem to communicate verbally or audibly, I sensed that it had drawn me to itself somehow. It seemed to be in judgment of me somehow, "telling" me that I was once a human being (which seemed to be news to me at the time), that I had lived (another new, unknown concept to me), and that I either had done or been an accomplice to some heinous act while I was human, and that I was essentially worthless as a human being (as indeed were all humans). The entity just seemed to radiate hatefulness, anger, and also loneliness, as though it were somehow disconnected from the great consciousness that allegedly bound all reality. It was at that moment as well that I had an epiphany of sorts, that I was not alone but part of that greater consciousness which all conscious creatures and beings join when they die.

The entity continued to berate me and I became afraid of it as it threatened to show me my previous existence as a human being. I became even more afraid at that possibility; even as it began to dawn on me that the entity was right and that perhaps I was once something other that what I was at that moment. All of a sudden, I started to become aware of concepts such as space, time, distance. I even started to become self aware again. For the first time in what felt like uncountable ages, I perceived myself as separate from the universal consciousness. At that point I became unspeakably sad and felt that I wanted to kill myself, if only I could. The entity seemed to revel in my sadness and confusion and it faded from me as apparently it was exiling me from that blissful existence.

It was then that I was myself again. I was immediately in the company of a being who identified himself as "Satan". I did not believe the being, who appeared to be a very shiny, almost opalescent gray. He wore a fedora style hat and was dressed in what looked like 1930's era men's clothing, including a neck tie, a suit vest, and dress pants. He had no face. I was not the least bit afraid of this "Satan" and got the impression that he was something very different from a devil or demon or any kind of evil spirit. By then I was "myself" again, plain old Benjamin who had died (shamefully) of an overdose.

We walked in what looked like a beautiful grassy meadow for some time on what felt like a perfect, sunny, spring or summer day. While we walked, the being talked of God, explaining that God was either dead or had forsaken the entire Universe altogether and was no nowhere to be found. He stressed that human beings were all on their own, that human life was essentially meaningless, but that that was the way God had intended it anyway. He said that there was no point in trying to do good or help one's fellow man because the physical universe was cyclical (as the Hindus believe I later learned) and that whatever we experience now we have experienced before in another cycle and would experience again in a future cycle. In this way, he explained, the universe was predetermined and there was nothing anyone could do to change it.

The being explained many other things to me, the details of which I have forgotten (at least consciously) but which have a somewhat vague, yet "matter of fact" and very firm foundation of my post-NDE life philosophy. These include the above described universal cycle, the inherent (almost comical) meaninglessness of human existence, the very strong belief in non-locality (very close to the same concept as described in quantum physics theory), belief in the inherent meaningless of time and distance, belief in a universal consciousness that envelops all individual consciousness, belief in so-called psychic phenomena (related to non-locality somehow), an inherent and extremely strong aversion to the idea or belief in reincarnation (an aversion which I still cannot explain), and an inherent and equally strong belief in biological evolution, though guided by an agnostic intelligence that I believe indirectly maintains physical reality as we know it.

My belief in God as described by the three major Middle-Eastern religions (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam) was also effectively destroyed by that particular NDE (with the being who called himself Satan). After that NDE, which I feel somehow took place simultaneously with the first NDE described above, I absolutely refused to believe in God anymore, even feeling a great deal of anger and resentment towards the whole idea of God and anyone who worshipped God. I immediately stopped going to church (I was raised Protestant), severed all ties with the church, and basically told the minister from my congregation to go to hell when he came to visit me after my release from the hospital. I have never regretted that decision.

The "Satan" being was very sarcastic towards me during the entire encounter, making fun of me and calling me stupid for so carelessly overdosing on drugs. I never felt scared of him or angry towards him though. He seemed to take a real interest in me personally, again telling me that I had done something very bad earlier in my life, most likely my childhood. He was not the least bit judgmental in that regard, but he told me that I needed to come to terms with that experience. Again, I got the very odd feeling that the other NDE was happening at the same time. As the being and I spoke, I got very strange and disturbing images of what looked like outer space, and even very strong feelings of malevolence and hostility directed at me from very far away.

After delivering that parting advice, the being sent me on my way. I woke up three days later, gagging on the intubator, trying to scream for help, the simultaneous (it seemed) memories of both NDEs fresh in my mind.

I saw the light of the truck coming at our car and heard a bang. I was then above a street light watching the car flip over and over to rest on the sidewalk. Then I saw greyish cement-looking material and thought I was in a conduit of some kind. I was quite afraid and felt very cold I wanted to get out. Then I sensed I was moving and the cement-like conduit started to speed past my eyes. I was scared but turned and looked ahead and saw a light and was increasing with greater and greater speed until I left the conduit into brilliant white light which was extremely bright but not hard on the eyes. I did not know where I was but soon sensed that I was not alone. I then saw what I can best describe as an opaque window or screen. Like a shower curtain. I saw a silhouettes of sorts and sensed that it was my mother who died in 1971, my friend who died in 1976 and my grandfather who died in 1979. I wanted to go to them but heard from them that "no" not yet. I was disappointed and angry as I wanted to see them, especially my mom. Then I was in a beautiful place a kind of endless sprawling landscape that was warm and sunny. I wanted to stay there and felt fantastic in that there were no more questions to be asked nor problems to overcome. all is so simple. I just knew all the answers: there was nothing other than love and service... that was it. Then I sensed something in front of me and heard a voice (thought) encourage me to look at my life. I didn't want to do that since I was enjoying my experience, but did so anyway. I looked over my life and saw incidents that quickly showed me that there were things I had to do. I said "I think I gotta lot of work to do" to which the reply was " well, you had better get at it." I then found myself back and awake staring at the back side of the driver's clutch pedal. I had been in the passenger seat before. I moved my feet and was relieved that my back was not broken, and then waited until the firemen smashed the back window and pulled me out of the car.

On New Years Eve, myself and two of my friends decided to stay at one of their houses to party. I had done the drug E once in tablet form before this night and had no problems. We decided on New years we would do E again. Over the course of the night before midnight, I took a line of E, then drank a small amount in milk, and at about 10:00pm I took another tab of E.

At first I was having a "good" trip if you could call it that, but getting closer to midnight when the last tab I took was fully kicking in, I just kept getting higher and higher, everything was getting over whelming, beyond anything I have ever experienced. I left my friends and went into the bathroom and shut off the light to try to have a quiet and dark environment to weather the storm. Even the washroom could not help and I could feel inside that I was in danger. I have never done any hard drugs before and had only smoked pot before my two experiences with E, but I knew I was overdosing. I was trying to stay calm and focused because I knew I was in trouble. Even though I was on a drug, there was a huge sobering quality at least for my thought process. I knew that in order to survive I had to stay awake and get help. I had waited too long before getting help and up to that point I had told my friends repeatedly that I was OK because I had not wanted to worry them. The high was getting overwhelming again; I could not get off the floor or move. In order to try to keep my mind focused, I was trying to count backwards from 10-0 over and over again. Once again I knew I was in trouble when while in my head I could count all the way back when I was counting the number out loud but I was counting over and over only 10, 9, 8, 7, 6 then 0 and when I tried to change this I would then count 10,9,8,7,3,2,1,0. I was missing whole sections of numbers even though in my head I knew they where there. I got myself up resting on the toilet but getting up took too much, and then it was like just my heart and all my veins in my body were seizing and Ii couldn't move, and it happened again, but just more intense, and as I was half lying on the toilet before I blacked out, all over my body it felt like every single pore opened and released all the moisture in my body, because in the matter of moments my whole body was soaked in sweat. I could feel that my heart was not beating anymore after that, the moment before blacking out.

My experience after this point seemed to happen very quickly, I did not see anything. It was much different than that: in order to see you need eyes. It was like being alone in the dark with nothing around that "exists" Something "spoke" to me but it was like the words were given straight to my conscience. The things it (god? I don't really know) told me were "New Year, New Birth." I knew it referred to me dying, and that I was to die that night no matter the circumstances. The second thing it "explained" (and this is one thing I am still trying to grasp it's meaning, but nothing makes any more sense to me), it "said," "In heaven (obvious god or Christian reference), what you need to understand is you do not need eyes to see." The rest I knew just from a "knowing” that came with it's messages. The only thing I understand about the second message is it is something I am supposed to share, because so many people don't understand the concept of physical life and non-physical life. I knew that I had to share this because it felt too many people are living under misconceptions and are blaming their gods or god for this. I knew that people need to understand you don't see with eyes in heaven because eyes are part of the body and are necessary to see physically. When you are dead, you no longer have eyes to see with. Once people understand this concept, as simple as it is, then they will have the ability to be able to understand the concepts of the afterlife better and in the way they need to be thought of as.

Then I was back. Boom! My eyes opened, and I was still lying on the toilet; my body was still damp. I just realized now as I am writing this that when I came back the bathroom light was on. I had turned the light off and none of my friends had been able to enter to turn the light on because I had locked the door. More mystery. Great. Anyways, all my clothes right down to my socks where soaked as if having been recently immersed in water. I was not felling high anymore from the E, even though the effects should have had still been in my system for another 5 hours at least. I felt so different than even before taking the E. I felt strong and healthy, but tired. I called my friends in one at a time to tell them what happened and then took a shower. It was the most glorious shower I ever had. It was like I had never taken a shower before in my life. In the shower, a ravenous thirst took me and for 10 minutes I stood cupping my hands and gulping down as much water as I possibly could. I rested with my friends sitting, not believing what happened, not understanding how I could be sitting there. It was like my mind and body knew it had died and should not be sitting there, but my conscience was definitely alive and it was not a dream, I kept wondering if I was dead and this is what it was like.

For the rest of the night I also noticed a heightened ability psychically (I always had small talent with these things, but I had increased by far.) I was able actually with one of my friends to know what he was feeling and what surface thoughts he was having. I knew this because every time he spoke I already knew every word he was going to say. This has come stronger then goes dormant, but even now I am stronger psychically than I have ever been.

I don't know who to turn to. This happened. Every word is real. I don't think people will believe anything I say. I actually believe that anyone I tell will hear I did drugs and the skeptical part of everyone's mind will not allow them to believe me just chalking my experience up to the drugs. I can understand even if you who are reading this feel the same way, I can understand. The only thing I can say is some things are true whether you believe in them or not.

I just need help getting as much understanding as possible on this because I feel the most is that I am living on borrowed time and I feel like I was given time back, but who is to say exactly how much time.
If I thought this was even a 1% chance this was because of the E I took that night (I am not and have not touched drugs since that night), I would not be writing this to you now. Please believe me on this. I would have had this never happen but I can't change that now.

It was suppose to be a normal delivery of the birth of my second child. I experienced a rare condition known a Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation; I had lost my ability to clot blood. I was bleeding out, so they called it. I remember the rush of physicians and hospital staff rushing around me, I was so cold. Later, I was told the blood was pouring out like a faucet was on. I was in full arrest due to shock caused from the blood loss. I was rushed to the operating room, which felt to me like everyone was in slow motion, but were really frantically rushing running me on the gurney to the operating room.

I was so cold. Then, I saw a beautiful light. Very warm, inviting. I wanted to go to the light. I was warm. It was so bright, comforting, I was at peace and was drawn towards the light. I heard nothing. Then, all of a sudden, I heard faintly in the background, "we’re loosing her". The voices started to get louder and louder. I heard my doctor yelling at me that she wasn't going to give up. I remember getting cold again. The light was gone. I woke up 6 hours later on a ventilator, unable to breathe on my own. I believe something spectacular happened that day. I am a Christian, I have always believed in God, and now... I have confirmation that something is waiting out there for me, and I will not be afraid to go there again when invited the next time. My after-thoughts on this situation vary. Sometimes I wonder why I was allowed to survive what most don't. There is not a good logical explanation why I survived. For whatever reason, be it my children, family, or destiny... I have a purpose for something.

For almost ten years, just the thought of talking about the details of my experience with death and the afterlife would make me sob uncontrollably. I don’t know why, because the experience was so wonderful and enlightening. Maybe it was the intensity of that love and enlightenment. No words could truly describe it. Since that experience, I have noticed that I have had heightened sensations and increased intuitive and psychic abilities. Even though I tried to dismiss it as nothing, something inside me won’t let me shake it. Now it is time to share my experience. Keep in mind that I am not a writer, nor professor, but simply a person with a few pages from my soul’s book of life.

When a woman knows there is something dreadfully wrong with her health, yet doctor after doctor tells her, “It’s all in your head – You’re just getting older”, she doesn’t know what to think. If it weren’t for the love of her family, she probably would give up. This was true for me. I knew I was getting worse and if someone didn’t find the cause soon, I most certainly would die.

In my case, I don’t know if the doctors couldn’t see past a trauma I experienced or if women are more complex than men and can’t be diagnosed as easily. All I know is that I was dying, senselessly and needlessly, and no one was doing anything about it. To them, I was a picture of physical health that was being drained by post-traumatic stress. Deep inside, I felt there was more to it.

I told myself I would try one more doctor. That’s it. Then I would give up my fight for life if she found nothing wrong with me. Having to wait a couple months for the appointment was tough. A couple months here, there, and everywhere added up to years. Five years in my case. It would be five long years of trying to find out what was wrong with me. Unbelievable! Yet life’s everyday turmoil continued around me.

Beginning at the end of 1989, I struggled for every ounce of strength I had to get through selling our home to move out to the family farm that we purchased. My father-in-law wanted us to fix up the farm and make him proud. After we remodeled the farmhouse with our life’s savings, we suffered a major setback in 1990 when the farmhouse burnt to the ground. The only clothes that we had left were the ones we had on and those in the hamper at the empty house we were selling. Then in 1992, we suffered the loss of my father-in-law, after which, we began to unveil the truth about my mother-in-law. It was sheer determination that kept me alive with all the stress upon stress I endured during those five years.

At the appointment in March of 1994, the woman doctor did a thorough exam and felt everything looked good. I was told I would hear from her office when the results of the routine Pap smear came back. Since I had regular Pap smears and was told yet again that I was a picture of health, my family and I went ahead with our planned trip to Colorado.

While in Colorado, I grew weaker and weaker. I could feel the strength draining from my body. I barely managed to smile my way through the weekend. When we arrived home, our answering machine was full with messages from the doctor’s office. It was easy to hear the urgency in each message left.

When I called the office, I was told to come in right away. The doctor told me that the Pap smear indicated I needed further testing. I was assured that even if I had cervical cancer it could be easily cured with a cone biopsy. However, after further tests and the cone biopsy, she stated that the cancer was already in the late stage and had invaded my outer tissues and lymph nodes. At first she tried to scold me for not having regular exams that should have caught this cancer earlier, in which event, minor procedures would have cured it. When I reminded her that I did go to doctor after doctor and had Pap smear after Pap smear, she eased up on me. I could sense that she felt this cancer should never have gotten to this point. I agreed with her.

The doctor told me that I needed radical surgery immediately and that it could not wait. She stated that I would have a radical hysterectomy and removal of the affected lymph nodes. Since she never removed lymph nodes, another doctor would assist her. I was told that if I survived, once lymph nodes were removed, my lower body would swell until it could not swell any more. The pain from the skin being so swollen and tight could become unbearable. Before I even left the doctor’s office, the pre-surgery testing and surgery were scheduled for the following week.

Friends begged me to get another opinion, so I called a hospital in New York that had been recommended. After I provided my background information and diagnosis, they made an emergency appointment for me. At the appointment, I was basically told the same thing. Surgery was needed without further delay. I was told that I needed to have a radical hysterectomy, in which my uterus, cervix, and a major part of my vagina would be removed. I wouldn’t know till after the surgery if my ovaries were removed or not. That option depended on how everything looked during the operation. Lymph nodes from hip to hip and up under the rib cage would also be removed and tested to see how far the cancer had spread.

I couldn’t believe what was happening. I didn’t have time to think. Part of me felt relieved that after going to doctor after doctor for years, someone finally discovered that I was really sick. The other part of me wanted to cry when I remembered all the cruel things those doctors told me throughout those years. The most common remark was, “It’s all in your head”. Another was, “You women make me sick. You’re all afraid of getting older. It’s just your hormones changing.” They were so off base, but it never mattered what I said.

The doctor that made me feel the worst sat engrossed, using a ruler to draw lines with different colored markers on my chart. When I attempted to say I was there because I deeply sensed something was really wrong with me, he rudely and abruptly cut me off and said, “Did I tell you to speak? You will speak when I ask you to and not before.” When I started to say, “But-” he interrupted me, pointed his finger just inches from my face, and rudely said, “I didn’t tell you to speak.” I felt so bad that I almost gave up wanting to find out what was wrong with me.

During those five long years of being told over and over again that nothing was wrong with me besides stress, I knew something was killing my body. I felt it so strongly that I caught myself beginning to watch women at the stores to see if I could find someone that could finish raising my son and be a good wife to my husband when I died. My heart ached at the mere thought of not being able to be with them forever. To know I was right all along was dreadful. To think, I only had a few days to prepare myself and my family for the possibility that I might die from a cancer that could have, and should have, been stopped in its track early on. I felt numb, but not scared.

It was hard to put on my faithful smile, but I did, as I bought my twelve-year-old son’s Easter presents before my scheduled surgery. I didn’t know if I would ever get the chance to do it again. The thought of not being there Easter morning to see his face light up as he opened his presents and searched for all the plastic eggs filled with money broke my heart. I didn’t know if the adorable little green suit and multi-colored tie that I purchased for him would be his Easter suit or the one he’d be wearing to my funeral.

With no time to think, I was talked into having the surgery in New York. The day of surgery came too fast. I undressed and got into the ugly hospital gowns. Then my father and husband waited nervously with me until I went down to surgery. As I was put onto the gurney, my lips quivered and my eyes filled with tears while I told them, possibly for the last time, that I loved them. I didn’t know if I’d ever see them again.

When I awoke and realized that I made it through the surgery, I looked up toward the ceiling, closed my eyes and said, “Thank you Lord” under my breath. Then I began to feel tugging from the tubes that seemed to be sticking from me everywhere. They were down my nose, in my neck, in my spine, two on each side of my abdomen, in my hand, and, of course, I had the awful pee bag.

After a few days, the results of the lymph node testing revealed that one in every three nodes were cancerous and radiation treatment was strongly advised. On a less serious note, I discovered that I had developed pesky allergies. One was to the orange solution that they poured on my stomach and vagina in the operating room to help sterilize the area. The other was from simple plastic tape that covered the whole length of my spine and around my neck. It took the skin right off my body. In addition, the morphine began to give me terrible headaches, so it was stopped.

As for the two drain tubes that they put in on each side of my abdomen, I was told that they weren’t stitched tightly enough during the surgery. This caused my body fluid to leak profusely out around the tubes instead of into them. The fluid leaked out so fast that they had to tape big, thick pads around the tubes. Guess what kind of tape they used? That’s right, plastic tape that took even more skin off my body! I had bright red patches of raw skin all over me. The pads needed changed so often that the nurses told me to change them myself. After watching the one nurse drop an opened gauze pad on the sticky floor, bend down and pick it up, and then attempt to put it on my open wounds before I stopped her, I guess I didn’t mind having to put them on by myself. So I thought.

The following day I got up and awkwardly pushed the equipment that held my IV’s and monitors slowly down the hall for my daily exercise. On my way back to my room, I noticed the pads taped around my abdomen’s drain tubes were totally saturated from all the fluid leaking from my body. The fluid began running profusely down my legs and I couldn’t stop it. I went back to my room, climbed into bed, and attempted to lift my wet hospital gown to change the pads, but I was too weak. While I waited to see if my strength would come back, the fluid continued to soak my blanket and sheets. I felt weaker, so I pushed the call button for a nurse.

Patiently, I waited for a nurse to bring in a dry hospital gown, sheets, and a blanket to replace the soaked ones I was lying in. As I waited, I got colder and colder. My body began to tremble with chills. As the body fluid continued to leak out around the two tubes, I sensed something wasn’t right. I was so cold by now that my teeth began to chatter.

After about an hour, I buzzed the nurse again. The nurse rudely replied, “I’ll get there when I get there.” About an hour and a half later, the door to my room opened, and in bounded a nurse. She didn’t even look to see if anything was wrong as she threw the hospital gown, sheets, and blanket right onto my face and chest. As the nurse turned away to rush out, she rudely said, “I don’t have time for this. I’m having problems with my husband.”

When the linens landed on me, something strange sort of clicked in my body. I began to gasp for air, but I couldn’t breathe. My body was too weak to lift my hand up to pull the linens off of my face. A tingling feeling came over my chilled shaken body. The tingling grew so loud, that the sound drowned out all of the hospital noises. I knew I was about to die. My last thought was that I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to my son, husband, and family. Then everything was silent.

Next, I briefly was above the bed looking down. Just as I realized that was my lifeless body in the bed below, my thoughts were abruptly distracted. Suddenly, I was pulled into complete darkness. Amidst the total darkness, I smelled an indescribable odor. At about the same time, my fluid-soaked body felt coolness in the air. I remember wishing that I had a coat to wear to keep me warm.

Then I began to feel myself moving upward. As I was being pulled upward, I began to feel as if I was in a tunnel, an endless, pitch-black tunnel. The speed at which I rose began to increase, faster and faster. It seemed swifter than anything imaginable or possible. As I continued to speed upwards through the seemingly endless darkness, there were puffs of clouds brushing across my eyelids and cheeks. It felt nice, like cool dew. That’s when my eyes looked upward.

There I saw such a magnificently, wondrous light which was white and pure. At first it seemed very far away. One glance at this bright, splendid light made me feel safe, loved, and serene. I didn’t feel pain or sadness, just an overwhelming peaceful love that grew more intense the closer I got to it. This white light was extraordinarily bright. It was almost blinding. I felt myself squinting just so I could gaze at it. I looked away from the light for a second because it seemed intense enough to burn right through my eyes, yet it didn’t. Maybe the cool mist brushing across my face helped in some way. When I glanced away, all I saw was the vast blackness around me and below me, so I gazed back up toward the light and never looked down again. As I watched the light get closer and brighter, the sense of tranquil love grew stronger and stronger.

Suddenly, I was no longer accelerating upwards. While I still squinted from the extreme brightness of the light, my eyes began to adjust to it. I began to notice thick white puffs of clouds continuously moving about. A breeze from the moving clouds gently blew the lightweight, long, flowing garment that I was now wearing. I could also see that I was barefoot as I began to slowly walk amidst the clouds.

Before I knew it, I was gazing upon this magnificent gate that was gloriously glistening. I just stared with amazement at its beauty. Rays of prismatic light were bouncing off the exquisite gems in all directions. It was totally breathtaking. Since I always longed for a driveway gate back on the farm, I caught myself engulfed in trying to remember every astonishing detail about it. As I peered even closer, I watched as pearly gems sparkled radiantly in the light.

A remarkable peace drew me in beyond the gates. I felt so safe that fear never entered my thoughts. I began to squint real hard in attempt to see through the beaming light and continuously moving clouds, but I couldn’t. Then in the near distance toward the right, I got a glimmer of something, so I squinted even harder. The clouds seemed to part enough just to show a hint of a shadow of two people. It seemed to be a man with a woman standing by his side. I didn’t feel as if I knew them, but I felt as if they were waiting for me for a reason. Just as the clouds were about to thin out enough for me to see clearer, they abruptly thickened and closed up around the couple. All I could see again were the clouds passing by me in the light. I wondered why the clouds thickened up so fast just as I was about to see who was there.

At that same time, I realized there was someone right in front of me. The clouds also thickened around that shadow so I could not see him. There are no words to describe the incredibly intense love I felt, standing there in front of him. No one could ever imagine a love so powerfully strong. At that moment, it hit me. I was in heaven standing before our Lord. As I stood there before Him, I felt that He knew every detail of my soul. I felt dumb that I didn’t realize the gates I had passed through were the pearly gates until that moment. My eyes turned away for a second and looked down to my right. I didn’t know if the light was just so bright or if I felt unworthy of such wondrous love. It seemed as if He could hear my thoughts because I heard, “Fear not; for thou art worthy of my love.” As I heard those words, my throat grew tight and my eyes swelled with tears. I thought, “Are you sure?” With each question came an answer and reassurance. It seemed as if my whole life was reviewed and clarified in a flash.

If I could only choose one word to describe our Lord, it would have to be “Love”, an indisputable love. I don’t know how to explain it. I couldn’t see Him through the clouds and light, but I felt His love so deeply. He was right there in front of me, so close to me. I felt incredible love, power, and peace in His voice, but I don’t know if He actually spoke. It was as if we felt, heard, and responded to each other without the need to speak. I was told I had to go back; I wasn’t supposed to die when I did; and I had more work to do. In addition, I was told that I had to protect my husband and son from someone.

Just as I was about to ask more, it became dark again. While gasping for air, I realized I was back in the hospital bed. This time when my right arm reached up to pull the blanket, sheets, and hospital gowns off my face, it had the strength to pull them off. I could breathe. I began to hear the noises of the hospital and feel pain again. My body was shivering and my teeth were chattering uncontrollably. Once again, my body was extremely weak. My hospital gown and bed linens were still soaked. I sort of felt sad that I was back. When I was in heaven, there was no pain. My body was not all cut up. I didn’t have any tubes hanging from me. I was whole. I was strong. I was loved more than anyone could imagine. As I looked up to the heavens, I meekly nodded as if to say that I understood. Then I closed my eyes.

A while later the nurse came in. She walked over to my bed and nonchalantly said, “You’re right. You are soaked.” She went to change my hospital gown but realized the linens that she brought in and threw on me earlier were also wet by now, so she went to get more. As she was putting a dry hospital gown on me, she told me about her bad day and about the problems she was having with her husband. I was only half listening to her as she rambled on because I was remembering how I died because of the bad day she was having. I don’t believe I said a word while she was there. I had a thousand thoughts going through my head about my glorious time in heaven.

Now not only did my struggle for life begin again with the many medical complications that followed – especially the radiation therapy – but also my ability to occasionally feel presences or spirits of those whom had previously passed on began to spark inside me. When a feeling comes over me, I can’t shake it no matter how hard I try. It completely overwhelms my every thought. I can’t even sleep. My mind doesn’t shut down, but it is totally drained. Each time I have one of these experiences, it takes a major toll on me.

I haven’t been able to talk about this to anyone. Who would believe me? For instance, who would believe that I had a vividly clear glimpse of horrifying hell as I shook an attorney’s hand; I felt a mournful presence in a friend’s cottage that wouldn’t let me leave until I helped her; while driving past New York City, I felt an enormous death toll in store for the city weeks before the terror attack; when I awoke on Sept. 11th, I knew that was the day; I discovered the identity of the couple from heaven and what they wanted me to do; I sensed the stock market was going to fall drastically well before it had even started to decline; I knew Vice-President Gore should be President but would lose; and as I watched NBC News Correspondent David Bloom appear on television covering the war of Iraq, I felt he was going to die – not be killed, but die? The feelings I have concern small and major things, people close to me or those I only know through friends. Simply hearing, seeing, or touching a person or their possessions can trigger these inexplicable moments.

This very powerful emotional experience has definitely changed me. I am not afraid of death now since I have seen a glimpse of the amazing realm that lies beyond. As I stated in the beginning of my story – I am not a writer, but I hope that my words touch the hearts of those seeking hope, comfort, or purpose.

I was driving the family station wagon in the mountains in December, it was starting to rain and I had not been driving long. The engine died and the car locked up and I lost control. The car went end over end twice and rolled about 7 times. The witness to the accident said he did not know how anyone survived the accident. My 15 year old brother and his friend were also in the front seat. None of us had our seat belts on, but I was the only one injured. While the car was rolling, at first everything went black and it got very cold. All of a sudden it became very warm, a nice warm, and a light started to appear before me. In the light my father started to appear to me and seem to hold out his hand, as if to motion me to come with him. It was such a nice feeling that I wanted to go. My father was smiling as if to say everything was alright. My father appeared to me only from the waist up, and there was this warm light all around him. But after a couple of minutes his imaged disappeared and I realized where I was. I only received a bad gash behind my left ear. I did [not] have to even stay in the hospital except to get stitches. To this day I cannot explain what happened.

P.S. There was another time in the summer of 1979 or 1980. I was dating this girl from Stockton, CA and we were trying to sleep at her house. That night before we went to bed, my girlfriend, myself, her mother, and a friend of the family were sitting at the kitchen table talking. I was in chair against the wall facing out, her mother proceeded to say how her brother always sat in that chair whenever he came to visit. I didn't think too much about it until the next day.

That night it was very hot, so her mother was sleeping on the couch, and my girlfriend and I were sleeping on the floor. Sometime in the middle of the night something woke me up and I perched myself up on my arm. I looked at the chair I was sitting earlier and a figure started appearing in the chair that I was previously sitting in. It formed from the head down, and I did not know what was going on, but I could describe everything in color: what the man looked like and what he was wearing. He just seemed to be staring at me for about 10 minutes, then he dissipated the way he appeared. The next morning about 7 AM the 3 of us were having coffee and I told them I had a bad dream, probably from sleeping on the floor. I told them everything I had witnessed. Her mother said I described her brother, whom I have never met, to a tee. About 8 AM that morning, her mother received a phone call telling her that her brother had hung himself just at the moment he appeared to me. But I was in the way; he was appearing to her, but I was between her and me. It was her that he was appearing to. I just wonder sometimes if I can feel things.

One other time, it was either 1977 or 1978, circa. I was sleeping on my mother's patio and it was approximately 1 or 2 in the morning. I wasn't quite asleep yet and was lying on my back when a voice called my name. I instantly thought it was one of my younger brothers. I went to check, they were all asleep. I thought I was hearing things so I lay back down. A couple of minutes later the voice called me again and said get up, but louder this time. I thought for sure my brothers were playing some kind of joke on me. I went into their bedroom, and they were fast asleep. By now I am thinking that maybe I am just very tired. As I lay down again, wide awake by now, something grabbed my foot very hard and yelled my name to get up. I went into the living and heard someone trying to break into the house. I scared them away; I was able to sleep after that.

P.S. I just want to say that not now, nor have I ever drunk a lot nor have I ever been involved with drugs. I have also had other things happen that have come true. Please respond. Thank you.

Hi, please excuse my bad notions of English, but I'll try to explain myself as clear as possible. My mother has been ill for about 4 years, she had cancer, after three years she had an embolism, became paraplegic, aphasic, agnosic, ... After three months of constructive revalidation, she had another embolism. I had such a relation with her that I could understand her even without words. I was at her side ‘til she died a year after her first embolism. During that period I tried to do everything I could to help her have the best possible time, but I messed up all my familial and friends-relations, so I had to move from my town to another town. Over there, I started to have all symptoms of what you call near dead after effects. They lasted for about a year; life was so complete, I understood everyone, I loved everything, I was indestructible, and so on. After that period, things came to regression and I tried to find that state of mind back. I still have some of them in me, but I don't have them all the time. The nearest thing I found about that subject was the Tibetan Book of Death and it's not only near, it was THAT!! Tonight I'm trying to write something about a guy with a near dead experience and most of the symptoms mentioned on various sites mention the feeling I had during that period.

I underwent ventricular tachycardia and required defibrillation to be resuscitated. I had accidentally overdosed on massive amounts of over-the-counter caffeine, which caused the condition to occur.

Though this was years ago, I still remember it well. I remember extreme pain in my chest, as if I were being crushed in a huge vise, then a lot of emotional distress knowing I was probably dying (on the way to the hospital) being driven to the hospital, I eventually lost my vision and was transported by ambulance from a freeway off-ramp where an ambulance was standing by for us (truckers had alerted them someone was being transported at high speed to the hospital).

I remember the out-of-body experience well. I was several ceiling heights above myself in the E.R., watching them working on me, trying to get my heart to beat again. Voices were echo-y and distant, but I remember a sense of calmly being there watching myself dying and not being concerned by it.

Then it was as if I were floating backwards away from the room, into a tunnel of white illuminating warmth. It was nearly orgasmic it felt so good throughout my body. There was a feeling of acceleration towards the source of the light, and I was so very glad to be going to it. Then, almost as if something were pulling me from below, the other way, I felt a deceleration and slowing, then a reverse direction away from the light, and this really confused me. I felt really cheated, really wanted to go all of the way to that light but now I couldn't.

The next thing I know I am in the E.R. with very very blurry vision, a chest that hurt like hell, and the physician asking me how I felt. I told him I could barely see him and that my chest hurt like a son of a gun. He told me I would have to stay there for a while ‘til they were certain it was okay to release me. Inside the hour, I was released by the doctor and told I could go. The two navy personnel who had stopped on the freeway and drove me to get medical help were still there, as were the police. The police found the empty container of the pills I had purchased and consumed, and were satisfied from talking to the doctor that it was an accidental overdose and not a narcotic related overdose.

All of these years later, I still remember it pretty clearly. I have told a few others of this experience,e but of course many are skeptical and are not sure they're getting the truth, though they know I am telling them in sincerity and without trying to change their own feelings about this sort of thing. I guess it helped when my mother was dying; I was able to guide her to the light, told her to go to it. She affirmed with a hand squeeze that she saw the light I was talking about. I feel this helped her, and it helped me as well.

Not much else to say. It was a number of years ago, but it changed my life forever.

Five friends took off to ski in Austria for a week. Everything was beautiful, the mountains were huge. My girlfriend and I decided to take an expert trail and ended up traversing back and forth just trying to stay on the face of the mountain. It was that steep. One of the guys with us, 6'4", and a very good skier, decided to take the jump at the top of the run. We were directly below about 200 yards down from him when we heard him yell, "Watch out!" We scrambled to get out of his way, but the next thing I felt was a crushing pain, so intense it was unbearable. When the pain suddenly stopped, I will never forget having the thought "So this is what it's like to die!" It was as if I had suddenly found the answer to some great mystery. I had a smile on my face, although I was no longer a 'body'.

My soul was smiling. I went 'up'. I remember just feeling like a 'head' looking around. No body. I was unable to go beyond the layer of white that surrounded me, white was everywhere. Then, in the distance I saw some white robed figures, faceless, hunched-over like, and walking in a single row coming towards me. I couldn't move towards them. I just had to stay there and wait for them. No one talked. It was like 'thought transfer' or something. Then, I realized that the person in front was my beloved Uncle, my closest deceased relative, and behind him was my grandmother, his mother. I was SO EXCITED to see Uncle. I wanted to run up to him and hug him, but I couldn't move. He came within ten feet of me, stopped and shook his head. He told me it wasn't my time and I had to go back. He turned and my grandmother followed, still in their 'line' of white hooded robes. Next thing I knew I felt like someone had taken a knife and sliced my chest open left to right. That first breath was a killer. I was so angry, mad, at coming back. I didn't know what had happened or why I was there lying across Danny's lap and why he was crying. Everyone was trying to calm 'HIM" down and make "HIM" feel better because I was breathing again. "It's O.K. Danny. See, she's fine, she's fine." Everyone always asks me, "So what did they say when they took you to the hospital?" I reply with "What hospital? They took me to the bar on top of the mountain, bought me a beer and stared at me saying 'do you feel better yet? Can we go back out and ski now?' Ah... human psychology. I finally told them I was OK although my head was still pounding and every time I tried to stand I would fall over. I tried to ski, but I couldn't stand up. It was extremely frustrating.

It wasn't until a few years later that I started making comments about my memory. "Maybe I did? Maybe I didn't? I don't know...." I started hearing voices talk to me when I took naps during the day. Deep LOUD voices telling me things, scary things. I had a dream during my first pregnancy in 1989, a year later. It was in a dark tunnel, I was walking through it, not knowing why when all of a sudden my Uncle appeared. Yes, the deceased Uncle. He was in his robe again, but this time he was holding something. I couldn't tell what he had in his arms until he finally got closer to me. Then, he handed me a baby and said "I have been taking care of her for the past eight months and now it is your turn." And before I could even look up from the baby to thank him, he was moving away back through the dark turning tunnel.

I had two more children afterwards and a few months after my last daughter was born, I had seven seizures in one day, never having had them before. That is when the MRI showed dead brain tissue indicative of clinical death for about three minutes. I continue to be medicated for partial complex seizures and narcolepsy. I have no sense of smell, no appetite, no longer form new memories. I can't organize, sort, etc., although all memories prior to ‘88 are still intact. The good part is I don't hold grudges or remember things like my parents funerals; the bad part is I don't remember things like my children’s activities, family events, etc. Oh well, such is life!

Although I prayed, my religious life was non existent until I reached 38 years of age. I was a spiritual, curious person, and wanted to "know" and learn, thus I searched in many fields. In the summer of 1977, I had 3 surgeries in 10 days, as a result of an infection in my Fallopian tubes that wouldn't go away. After the third one I felt very sick and crushed by the excruciating pain that the air accumulated in my joints caused, due to the three consecutive Laporotomies. Then one day I was trying to lay flat in bed but found it quite thorny to do, so tears of desperation flooded my eyes. I closed them, feeling very tired of hurting. Right at that moment I heard the voice of my nanny, clear as if she would be by my side (she had remained in Spain because she was quite old), and was saying: "[Jane], you are better now". I opened my eyes thinking that somebody was talking to me and I had made up the rest, but the hospital room was empty except for me. I closed my eyes again, ready to keep on with my endeavor. Then at 11 o’clock, I saw the most beautiful man I have ever encountered in my existence. He was dressed in dark, very elegant wear; his shoes were of patent leather, and his white, ruffled shirt shone like the sun light. I fell in ecstasy and said: "You are God... I want to kiss Your feet!" As I saw myself kneeling before His feet, that shone as well, they were bare.

Something very strange occurred: next I was getting out of my body through my head, horizontally, as if I were crawling inside a tube, tummy up, helping my advance with my hands. Once outside that... cylinder, I stood up and saw my own body in front of me, lying on the bed. I felt MARVELOUS. Immeasurable joy inundated all my being. [A being that] felt no pain, no sorrows, nothing but wellness and delight as I had never experienced before. I looked around, and in the Light, I could see every thing as through a very delicate sheer curtain. By the feet of my bed, my husband and my three children cried, looking at what seemed my dead body. I wanted to console them and instantly found myself floating towards them. I caressed their faces, kissed them and told them not to cry for me, that I was fine and perfectly happy and well. But I could see they didn't sense me or hear me.

Right at that moment I felt sucked back into my physical body, and then realized that again all was dark, very heavy, and the pain of my body was unbearable. My first word, only one, was: "S...!" My husband said: "I beg you pardon?"

People ask me often if I believe that I really saw God. I smile, then I answer that God was the One Who saw me, and He presented to me an Image that I could comprehend in my limited understanding. My life has not been the same after that experience. Of course I lost all fear of death (and look forward to going), for I have the absolute conviction that there is a wonderful Life after this physical expression.

After the car hit my car, I rose above the accident and said "My God, I can't die yet; I still haven't finished my finals!" (I was attending Chiropractic College.) Archangel Michael came to me and said "You have another school to go to; don't worry, you will continue on with your college." He escorted me to a magnetic tunnel where Jeshua (Jesus) was waiting for me, who comforted me. I then found myself at the door step of a type of school, where there were a few students learning geometric shapes and physics with the accompanying healing energy involved. I though the better way would be to directly go to the energy that is involved in the healing, direct from Source.

At this point, Mother Mary came in, and motioned for me to follow Her. She asked my thoughts about what we were learning, I told her it would be best to go right to Source for the healing energy. She said she had something for me to look at, so I followed Her out of the class. I first sat in a healing chair to help my physical body heal on earth. Then we went to a vault that held information from souls’ life cycles and growth. I was told I could have access to this information whenever I desired, it was important with the process of uncovering the dense dramas on earth.

We also looked into a type of screen, that reminded me of a TV screen, and I saw a gathering of people in a field. They were all releasing the density that held back Unconditional Love, then holding the Light within and living within Peace above the dramas. After one man cleared himself out, another individual came up to him who was also cleared, then they shook hands. Both bringing the Reality of Peace into their creative engagement, they both shared Light instead of any fear thoughts or actions. At this point, the Light streamed through them, all the density was then released into the Light.

"It's gone! It's all gone!" I exclaimed! “I can see how this works, but who will believe me? I'm a nobody, my dad was a carpenter in Washington and I'll be a small town chiropractor. I think you should get somebody else! Besides that, I'm a bit shy!"

A few months went by after I came out of the ten day coma, when I remembered that there was a NDE. It took many years after that to begin a journal which records the mechanism that Mother Mary introduced me to. I have compiled much of the information into a manuscript, and am editing and continue writing about the tools that are guided by Mother Mary, Mary Magdalene, Jeshua, Arch Angel Michael, and many other Enlightened Beings.

I took about 96 pills, Trazidon, Soma and Zanex. I was taking about half of whichever pill came out of the bottle for the past couple of nights to help me sleep. Right after I took the pills I remember saying out loud "Please God forgive me for what I've just done." I was in full cardiac arrest, and my body had absorbed all of the pills, my body temperature dropped to 91 degrees, and for the next 14 hours I was completely brain dead. The nurse told my husband and parents that there was 99 percent chance I would not make it, and if I did I would be a vegetable. When I was seizing and posturing I remember being next to my body and looking at my toes seeing how tense I was. I was trying to calm myself. My sister gave me a titty twister as she pronounced me dead. I opened my eyes and said "This isn't heaven." I do not have much of a memory of my life before this; I lost a lot. They say I am completely different.

I do remember being with three others, one in the middle was a little above the two, on one side was my brother, who died at 11days, the other was my grandpa. I don't know how we got there, but it was such a beautiful color blue surrounding, not ground but not like we were hovering. We talked a lot, but I can’t remember our mouths moving. I paid [attention] mostly to my brother, his clothes, his hair, how tall, but can not remember the one in the middle. I know he said a lot to me, but I don't know what. My sister says when I first opened my eyes I said "God says I'm a ••••• and won’t let me stay"

My parents took pictures all through this, from the beginning until I went home.

My father had been ill on and off for the past 12 years. He had had several bouts with cancer, aneurisms and heart problems. He always came through each battle with the same strong, positive attitude he went into it with. My mother and I, through all the times we waited for Dad to come out of a surgery that was more likely to kill rather than save him, never had the slightest doubt that he would be fine.

This past February he had gotten to the point where all the aneurisms were over, he had a mechanical aortic valve and he had been free of cancer for over five years. He had started going out again and was in better spirits then we'd seen him in years. So when both my mother and I heard the same young, male voice call (we were in different places in the house and we heard it different days) we knew we were going to loose someone but not Dad. We tried to figure who and could only come up with my sister who had just won a bout with breast cancer, but that didn't feel right. So we just waited to see who it was. About one week after our hearing this voice, my father started feeling bad. He lost a tremendous amount of weight in what seemed like days and had become very tired and agitated. We both pressed him to go to the doctor and be checked. He did and his doctor had both brain and full body CAT scans done along with various other tests. Everything was Ok, but Dad just didn't feel right. This was in June.

In August, while I was sitting in the car waiting for my mother, I felt an overwhelming feeling of loss. I asked out loud "Who are we losing?" but I had no feeling for a particular person. I just knew we were losing someone very close. When my father said to me, at 1:30 a.m. Tues. morning, he thought he had a bowel blockage and needed to go to the hospital, I knew immediately who we were losing. On the way to the hospital he told me to take my time. I asked him if he was sure and he said there was still some time. I knew that he knew he wouldn't come back this time.

In the emergency room I stayed with him while they ran tests. He did have scar tissue blocking his intestine. They would admit him and schedule surgery. The ER doctor took me aside and told me that this would be very hard for Dad. I was amazed because this was not the first time they had to remove scar tissue from him and it had never been a major concern before.

But none of this was like any other time I had taken him to the hospital. I was grateful for this doctor, who I had never talked to before, for letting me know that my feelings were right. I literally stood next to my father that morning for four hours while they finished the tests and he waited for a room. He held my hand the whole time and had gotten so weak that he could only talk in a whisper. When it was time for them to move him, I told him I would go and get my son so my mother could be with him. He held my hand tightly and didn't want me to go.

He had surgery at 8:00 pm Tues. evening. He came through it fine. His doctor put him in the Cardiac Care Unit because of the valve in his heart, but this was normal. That evening my mother and I talked and we both knew Dad was going to die. It was strange to come out and say it to each other. Nothing the doctors said backed up the feelings, we just knew.

The following evening, as my mother and I stood over him in the C.C.U. he had a stroke. The CAT scans showed three baseball size soft tissue masses, one in the brain, one between the heart & lungs and one in the abdomen. They also found several smaller masses up and down his spine. There was nothing that could be done. No cure that could handle all three masses. We had some serious decisions to make. We told Dad at the next visit and he understood. By now the bottom half of both lungs had collapsed, he was paralyzed on his right side and couldn't speak. He could communicate by pointing at letters and his facial expressions. I had to ask him in the presence of a doctor if he wanted to keep the respirator on and if he understood that if it was turned off he would, in fact, die. He had no trouble making it clear to them that he wanted the artificial life support off and he fully understood what was happening. We then moved him to a private room where my sisters, brother and I took shifts staying with him. We didn't want him to be alone when he passed.

The four days he was in the private room were beautiful. Everyone who ever knew my father came to say goodbye and we, the family, allowed everyone a private moment with him. We were all amazed at how vividly aware he was and how well he communicated. It truly spoke of a life well lived and a man respected and loved by everyone.

By Saturday, the third day in the private room, he was tired. his paralysis was close to total, breathing labored, and he had a couple of bouts with violent fits of shaking. For some reason I had a very strong mental connection with my Father that had intensified to the point of my actually speaking for him. I could hear his voice in my head. I knew what he wanted and what he felt. The connection was so strong by now that I had few feelings of my own.

I had relieved my sister Saturday morning. Dad had a restless night and I knew he would rest with me there. I kept hearing him ask me to help him go. I wasn't sure how he wanted me to help. I knew he wanted to go but it felt like he was scared or lost. It seemed like he couldn't go. My brother stayed with him that afternoon and I was to relieve him that evening. I told my mother I couldn't go back that night. I knew I had to help him. I just wasn't ready for whatever it was I was supposed to do. My mother understood how I felt, she said she had the same feelings her last visit, so she arranged for my sister and her husband to spend the night with him. Since this had all started I hadn't sleep much at all and Saturday night I actually slept for a few hours. I woke early Sunday morning and felt more relaxed than I had in days. But I knew I had to go and stay with Dad, I still had no idea how I could help him.

When I settled in at the hospital I couldn't look him in the eyes. I heard him asking for help but I couldn't help, and it broke my heart to see him suffer. He wanted to go, he was ready to go - but he couldn't, and I couldn't go for him. I've never felt a pain like that - I couldn't look at him. I felt so self-conscience, the atmosphere in the room was so thick and oddly calm - peaceful almost - and waiting. As I sat reading in a chair at the foot of his bed, his breathing became heavy and sporadic, he was hyperventilating. I turned my head and looked him in the eyes (actually the third eye, where you can see both eyes at the same time) and said "I'll breathe for you Dad." I speeded my breathing up to his rate and slowly slowed it back down - he was with me and I was, literally, breathing for him. We were in perfect sync. As he calmed down he motioned, with his eyes, for me to close my eyes. I just knew that was what he wanted. I said "you want me to close my eyes?" he motioned yes. I turned my head back and rested it against the back of the chair and closed my eyes. I felt, rather than saw my father in my conscienceness. That is the only way to explain it. There was a figure, of sorts… like a vague outline, but I felt my father. I knew he wanted me to take him or help him. I said, verbally, "I can't go all the way, but I'll go as far as I can." We then 'moved' through what was like a tunnel, the walls were like a bluish-gray smoke gently moving clockwise. I was behind my father, following him. We came to an area that I can only describe as a huge wall of purple and black swirling plasma. It rose up in front of us. We stood on a dark floor, the tunnel was behind us and we were blocked by this huge wall. The purple was the predominant color and the black was more like the outline of the purple swirls. We walked along the wall but found no way through, over, under or around it. The feelings of this wall were confusion and chaos, it was swirling at a steady but chaotic pace and was quite intimidating but not frightening. More frustrating.

My father had only gotten this far - he couldn't get past this wall. That's what he wanted me to help him with. I said "no wonder you can't go - this is a mess!" Then I felt this sudden conscious awareness of what was happening and fear flooded me - a fear so shocking that I "flew" my eyes open and sat straight up in my chair! I looked over at my father and his eyes flew open, he looked at me as if I had hurt him more deeply than was humanly possible. I felt so ashamed, shocked and sorry, deeply - so very deeply sorry.

His breathing became faster and agitated. I said "it wasn't long enough, I opened my eyes too soon. I'm sorry..." he softened and I took control of the breathing again. (The whole time the breathing was the predominant sound; it was like a gauge or a line and I used it but I'm not sure how.) He, again, motioned for me to close my eyes and we started over again. This time when we reached the purple/black wall there were specks of orange dotted through it. My father was looking for his mother. He was walking up and down the wall like a lost child calling "Mama, Mama." I started looking for her too; it made sense for her to come and help him - more sense than me doing it. I called "Granmommy Florence" (I was quite young when she died and only remember her one time; I tried to feel her but I couldn't grasp it.) "Granmommy Florence" it seemed that we called and looked for a long time. I started getting angry. I didn't want my father stuck here and his body was almost dead. Why didn't she come and get him?! Where was she?? I hollered "Granmommy Florence, come and get him! He's suffered enough - don't make him suffer anymore." I felt so helpless that my demand was more of a plea.

Then, from somewhere inside of me, I heard "orange". I remembered reading something about orange but I suddenly knew the only way through the purple was through the orange. I said to my father "come on, we have to follow the orange." He came with me like a lost child would go with someone they trusted to take them home. The innocence I felt from him made me feel very protective and real.

I wasn't sure how to follow the orange, there were only specks here and there so I picked a speck and 'moved' toward it. As I did I saw more orange, so I moved toward that, and I kept doing this until I, we, were on an orange path. The path rose up out of the purple/black swirls and as we moved along the path we came into a vast horizon of soft, warm pastel yellow and green whips that curved all around us like a canopy. The purple/black was below and behind us but the yellow/green whips were above and around us. Like we were rising up into a huge dome. It was so vast and warm, safe, calm and lightly peaceful.

It seemed as if we were on a moving belt going toward a flat, swirling, circular door. Like an inverted funnel but it, the opening, was flat and was in the middle of this vast space we had entered. The circular door was a soft white light mixed with light gray shadows where the light overlapped from the swirling motion.

There was a figure off to the left side of this door. To me it looked transparent, the color of liquid coffee held up to the light. It was the shape of a tall, thin person in a long, hooded robe. It seemed more transparent in what would be the chest area and I could not see a face or any detailed features. I know my father saw his mother. I felt his joy, his sudden childish freedom. The freedom to express the abundant love and joy that only innocent children seem to have. I was overwhelmed with a love and understanding that words cannot describe. A love of being rather than having, an understanding of everything in nothing. A warmth that cleansed the very fibers of my soul.

I watched as my father moved in front of me (up to now he had been following me) and moved like a child running toward this figure. I was still going forward but at a much slower pace. As I came closer to the door I felt as if I was shedding all pain, all worry. I was home, at last I was at the place I had been looking for for so long. I had no reason to go back, nothing mattered now, I knew who I was and more importantly what I am and am to be.

Then, as my father reached the figure, a harsh, loud knock rang out, then another and another. I heard, what I thought was my father (I'm not so sure it was now) say "Lynn, go answer the door" I said "No. I'm not leaving". Again the voice said, much sterner this time, "Lynn! go and answer the door!" then, for some reason, I had the feeling that I was eavesdropping on a very private moment and I felt uncomfortable. I said "Ok. But I'm coming right back." Still seeing my father, the entire scene in my head, I got up out of the chair and opened the door of the hospital room. It was as if I was above myself looking through a funnel at the nurse in the hall. " I want to get his blood pressure… is it Ok?" she asked. The hospital staff had been real good about not disturbing him without our OK. I looked at her and tears started streaming down my face, "He's going now" I said. "I'm with him, he's just found his mother, he's going now!". The nurse starred at me for a moment then said "Are you alright? Is there someone I can call? Can you handle this?" "Are you kidding!!" I said "It's beautiful, I'm with him. Of course I can handle this." Then she said "I knew you were psychic. I knew you were." Then she started to tell me how her mother died and she wasn't there but she knew when it happened… I didn't want to be rude but I said "I have to go back... I want to be with him." She squeezed my arm, and said if I needed anything she would be right out side the door.

I closed the door, went back to the chair, my fathers breathing was so slow and calm. I sat back and closed my eyes… I was back on the orange path but I was further back from the door then when I left. My father and the figure were just entering the light. My father said "Bye honey, and thank you." As they entered the light, his breathing slowed; I knew the breathing would stop. I watched them move further into the light and heard the final breath of my father’s body. I just sat in the chair. I left the place we were, I was back here, and I waited for the silence. Hoping for another breath but knowing he was gone. After a few seconds, I looked at his body. He was definitely gone. I went to the door and told the nurse. She came in and confirmed that he was dead. She called the supervising nurse and she noted the time. The supervisor asked me if I was all right and I just looked at her and said "I went with him. I watched him… I showed him where to go!" She said "Do you know what a blessing that is?" and I couldn't speak.

I called my mother and told her that I took him. She said she was so grateful, she tried to help him the day before and couldn't. She would have someone come and get me. When my sister picked me up at the hospital, I tried to explain what had happened, but it was very hard to find any words, much less the right ones. Later she told me that I was "glowing" when she picked me up. The rest of the family had mixed reactions, they were actually angry at me.

It's hard to describe how I felt. I remember telling a minister, who wanted me to recount the experience, that to let go of someone that deeply was the ultimate test of love. You cannot let go on that level if you are concerned with what it means to you. Only if you want what is right for that soul. That's the love of being - not having, the force that connects all life to all life. I guess you could say selfless or fear-less love. I know now that "hell" is the fear that holds us. "HELL" is being stuck between the physical world and the next world. We need to have felt and understood the "love - of - being", that selfless, fear-less love, at some point in our existence to pass that wall. That's the message of love. Not the feeling most of us call love. There has to be nothing in it for us. It doesn't matter how we understood it or what we felt it for - just as long as we did.

A couple of hours after I got home from the hospital, I laid down, closed my eyes and was back at the purple/black wall. It's funny but it wasn't so intimidating this time. I looked behind it and found that it was a curtain. I slipped behind the curtain and went up the path and I saw my father much farther into the light. I wanted to go - but the curtain was suddenly in front of me and I was told "not yet." I'm still trying to understand how and why I was able to go with my father. From what I have read and tried to research, this is not a very common thing, though I'm not the first person to have an experience like this.

There are a couple of things that I am very sure of now and they are that we are much more than flesh, bones and blood. That our actions and even our thoughts here mean a great deal more than we can ever imagine. That "love" is much more and much more powerful than most of us has even an inkling about.

I also know that my father and any other soul (here or passed) who has known real love for another being is OK and will be OK through eternity. I now KNOW we can ALL go home.