I have made many mistakes throughout my life. I have fallen then risen, hurt then healed. I have seen many things and I believe I’ve learned a lot in my 19 years. As a result of my experiences my life has changed in many ways, and I am now the great person today from all that I have learned and overcome. My near-death experience began one Sunday morning. I had just awoken, and was looking forward to the day. I felt good, and I had hopes my life would go in the right direction. I was delighted that my partner from a previous relationship had finally realized how much he had hurt me, and that he was willing to change. I remember going to the kitchen to eat something then returning back to my room. I noticed I had a text message. I went forth and read the message. In a few words my cousin was asking me if I was aware that my ex was dating this guy I thought was my friend. Instantly I didn't know how to react. I knew I had to confirm if this was true, so I thought of how I could find out. I remember feeling in a panic, and I could feel all my anger and anxiety surging. Then I finally got it. I would call his best friend and ask her. I would get my answer. I decided to call her. After she said I knew too much she confirmed it was indeed true. I asked her how long they had been seeing each other, and she told me two weeks.
Instantly upon hearing those words I started to feel lost and get more and more into a panic. I started to feel my entire emotions surge, and I began crying. I cried because once again he had made me look like a fool. I cried because I knew I was miserable in so many ways and unhappy, but mostly ashamed that I had fallen for the same trick again. I wanted to stop hurting, and I knew that the humiliation wouldn’t pass so easily. I remember repeating one thing over and over as I sat in the dark and cried. "I don't want to do this anymore." I always thought I wasn't going to live long, and I feared that my dreams of death would soon come true. I was sick of the depression, and most of all I was sick of hurting. It had gone on for too long. I hated my life and couldn’t escape it. I quickly knew what I had to do. I knew I had to get rid of the pain. I knew I had to quit suffering, so with those thoughts in mind I went into a panic. I paced back and forth, and cried more and more. I knew this idea was wrong, and I cried harder, but I wanted to stop hurting. I remember seeing all the hurtful memories run through my head, all of them ripping at my already bleeding heart. All the pain felt so hard to overcome and I just lost it.
I knew I had to end the pain and the humiliation. I was done with hurting and suffering over and over again. I pictured my dead grandmother and family then glanced over at my best friend Eddie, my dog. I remember feeling the tears run faster. I cried more and more. I put Eddie in his crate, and I started grabbing as many pill bottles as I could find. I put them all on my bed, and knew I needed more. I had to get rid of the pain. I wanted to put an end to this life that I hated. I just didn't want to do it anymore. I was sick of the pain and never feeling good enough for anyone. I wanted it all to stop. Therefore I went into the living room looking for any pill bottle I could find. I walked into my parent’s bathroom and raided their medicine cabinet. I remember feeling the panic and I knew I had to hurry. I stuffed my pockets with the bottles of pills I had found. I knew what I had to do and so I headed to my room. I set all the pills I had found on my bed and I got up and pushed my bedroom door shut. I wanted to make it all stop. I wanted to make the pain go away. I hated my life, and I hated everything about myself. I remember thinking about my comfort spot and needing to go and sit in it. My comfort spot was this small space between my bed and dresser. It was small enough for me to fit in, and so I did. I remember pulling down my blanket off my bed and I covering myself with it. I just sat there and began swallowing as many pills as I could. I cried harder than ever, and I just prayed it would all go away. I swallowed more pills and remember slowly feeling the pain go away. I glanced over at Eddie and I remember smiling. I thought about my sister, and apologized. I was going to sleep slowly.
I remember seeing darkness all around. I couldn’t see anything but two people sitting in the middle of the room talking to each other. I remember seeing them from above. I couldn’t see the people's faces, and I wondered who they were. I felt nothing at all. I felt tranquil and calm. I tried very hard to see the people. I saw a man sitting with the woman; he looked familiar. His clothing was simple, he was barefoot, and there was a glow about him. As I looked closer into his face I recognized him right away. I knew it was me. Everything about me was perfect. I looked happy and my face looked great. My skin glowed, and I looked better than ever. Then I remember having a different view. I was sitting directly in front of a woman and looking into her face for some time, but I could not see it. She was dressed in dark, old looking clothing. She had a black veil over her face, and despite how hard I tried to see her face I couldn’t see anything. I felt so calm, and I remember I felt better. I knew we were talking because I could feel my lips moving. I didn't know what we talking about, but I would drift from the two different views. I could see from above then be back in my body and feeling myself talk, and looking at the women.
This went on for some time then I remember a door opened in the distance. As the door opened it filled the dark room with blinding white light that made it hard to see. It hurt my eyes. I remember the women getting up from her chair and walking toward the light. I sat there and suddenly got up to follow her. I couldn't move. I remember reaching out and yelling to wait and take me with her. I reached out more and more, but I was firmly rooted to the ground. My feet would not move, and I cried for her to come back. Then suddenly she turned around and looked at me. She said, in what seemed to be English, "It's not your time yet." Then she disappeared, vanished.
I remember barely opening my eyes to see people looking down at me. I didn’t know who they were or where I was. I felt confused and my head hurt. I felt really lost and I couldn’t feel anything. I remembered what I had just experienced and I felt more and more lost. I dozed back to sleep. Then I recall being awake and looking at my mom. She was sitting and looking at me sadly. I remember feeling the hot tears running down my cheeks, and I could feel her holding my hand. She looked down at me and cried. I tried to tell her I was sorry, but I couldn’t talk. I just cried more.
The whole time I was in my experience I had been sleeping in a coma that lasted for three days. Doctors agreed and told my family they would have to disconnect life support if I didn’t awaken from the coma soon. They told my parents I would never recover fully, and that my organs were failing; I would die without the life support. I didn't know it then, but I was pronounced dead multiple times. Each time they revived me. The doctors told my parents in the event I lived, I would have brain and organ failure and I would never be the same. They told them I wouldn’t be able to walk, and that my psychological state of mind would never be the same. They all agreed I was going to die, and there was a slim chance of recovery. The doctors had to make a small cut in my neck to inflate my lungs, and they tried their best to save me. On the day I was supposed to be taken off life support, I woke up to everyone’s amazement.
From that day on my life changed. It took me a lot of time to realize that what I had seen was something amazing. I shared my story with my mom. She believes that the women I saw was my grandmother who had died in 2005. She had loved and cared about me so much until the day she died. Everyone who knew her agreed that I was her favorite grandson and source of happiness. She had loved me so much, and I had loved her very dearly too. I believe it was my grandmother as well. That’s why I felt calm and tranquil. I believe she finally got the chance to see me and that it really was her I saw in the dream. My grandmother was always a caring individual. She loved her family, God, and her first grandchild (me).
Thank you for reading my story. I hope no matter your situation, you seek help if you feel your only solution is death. Remember everyone on this planet is loved and life is too special to lose. Think positive and remember life is too short to stress the small things. Life is a gift from above, and it’s our job to live life to its fullest. We all matter, and at least to someone we matter greatly. Love life.