NDE Accounts

Life/Death/?

Originally written 1986-87 Re-edited with addendum 6/1993 by Geraldine Berkheimer.
August 8, 1959, Paris.

I wonder if it was a sunny day?  Could it have been a cloudy day?  Certainly it wasn't a rainy day, the day I decided to take my roll of film to the Latin Quarter to have it developed.  I'd never have ventured into the rain on a Vespa—I had more sense than that.  It must have been a good day; Patrick and I would go on a picnic in the afternoon.  But the afternoon never came.  I can only deduce that I was going to the camera shop from the fact that a roll of film was found in my jacket pocket.  At least that's what someone said sometime later.

I had spent the past academic year in Paris with the Middlebury Group preparing a Master's Degree.  It had been a great year!  I had learned to speak, read, write and understand French very well.  In spite of the hard work at studies I had managed to go to the theater, travel on student tours throughout France, Spain and Italy, and enjoy a full life of experiencing the "City of Lights".  Each of these activities allowed me to make friends from all over the world and from all walks of life.  I was happier than I had ever been.  Among my closest friends were two French students, both of whom were in medical school: Christine and Patrick.  Patrick had sold a Vespa of his to Sandy, another Middlebury student, and me.  She never wanted to learn to drive it, so I had it to myself most of the time. 

I drove all over Paris (once I raced up the Champs Elysees with another scooter addict) and in the suburbs.  I was quite comfortable with it and Sandy had no qualms about riding on the back, so we decided to spend the month after classes were over traveling through Europe, visiting some of our classmates and celebrating our graduation which would officially be in August.  I asked Patrick to make sure the scooter was in top running condition for our trip.  He had it completely overhauled and promised we'd have no trouble with it.  The night before we were to leave, Sandy and I loaded our luggage and made our way across town to make sure we'd know the best route to take in the morning.  Something was wrong.  I couldn't get the scooter to go fast enough.  It was as if I were driving in second gear the whole time.  Sandy was worried so she took the metro home and I tried to find a service station open to get it fixed—without luck.  It was late at night; no garages were open.

Rather than forgo our trip we decided to start out the next day hitch-hiking through our planned itinerary.  We left the Vespa behind with a note for Patrick telling him that if he fixed it he could use it while we were gone.  On our return we all had a good laugh—the brakes had been tightened too much.  That was around mid-July.

In spite of strange, unwanted feelings that I should return (in fact, that I was being drawn back) to the United States, I wanted more than anything to spend another year in France.  Thanks to the fact that my home town, York, PA, is twinned to Arles in southern France, I was to have a job there in the fall teaching "American" in the elementary schools.  Sandy returned to the States after our trip so I had the scooter to myself for nearly a month before heading to the Midi.  There I was, virtually free in Paris, now living at the Cité Universitaire at the southern end of town and loving it!  Needless to say, I made the most of it, touring the city and the surrounding area.  Of special importance, as it turned out, was the visit from an American friend whom I had known at Middlebury, Marcia.  While in Paris she introduced me to friends of hers who were to become my friends and be of great help later.

First there was Godin.  She had a full name, but to most people she was Godin.  Marcia had spent a full year in that household years before, and I would return to Paris to live with them two years later.  Secondly, there was Ginette, who before the war had planned a career as a concert pianist.  Due to the war those plans were put aside and when I met her she was in charge of helping refugees who came to the Quaker Center and giving them concerts from time to time.  As I recall, the day I met them there was a simple "Hello.  I'm glad to know you" between us.  I was Marcia's friend and was received as such.  I doubt if at that moment either of them thought they'd see much more of me.

During the course of those events I had a nightmare which I would put out of my mind until perhaps years later.  I know it was a very long time before I connected it with what was happening in my "real" life.  In the dream I was in a casket, the lid of which was being shut; I called for my brother but he didn't answer or come.

At Easter in 1959 I toured Spain with a group of students.  Like most tourists we visited entertainment offered by gypsies in the cave homes surrounding Granada.  At intermission, a Gypsy woman read palms of the clients who were seated along the walls around the room.  I was the last one in line and was quite bewildered when, after having given reasonably long readings for everyone else, she looked at my hand, shook her head and hurried away into another room without saying a word.  I thought about it then and have often thought about it since.  Years later, I would have an equally bizarre experience with gypsies passing on a Paris Street.

But by August I was assured of my diploma from Middlebury, a happy end of summer vacation in Paris, and I was intent on getting on with my new job in southern France.  That is, until August 8, 1959.

I don't remember setting out for the Latin Quarter that morning.  There is no question that is where I was headed.  It was a familiar jaunt and the location of the accident indicates the destination.  A policeman at the scene said a taxi pulled away from the curb and ran a red light.  I was in the intersection at the time.  I have a few memories of the next few days and they are as vivid as if the events took place yesterday.  (I'm told I called for my brother, who never wrote to me at the hospital, as well as for Patrick and Christine.)

The first thing I recall is the impression I must be in "heaven".  I was above my bed looking down at my body, and I saw white clad "angels" coming and going.  Of course it was the hospital staff.  I realized this immediately.

That was the first of several out-of-body experiences related to this accident.  Sometime after that a doctor and a few other persons came in with objects for me to identify—a pencil, an apple, and what I recall as a radio or something resembling a small portable radio.  I thought to myself "How stupid do you think I am?" as I told them the names of the objects.  However, my communication was not received!  Those present apparently had no idea that I understood and responded.  I don't know how many similar incidents there may have been during the next few days.  I remember several of them.  And I realized quickly I wasn't getting through to those around me.  Due to the extent of my injuries I was transferred to a hospital better equipped to take care of this sort of trauma.  I wasn't expected to live and my family was notified.  I remember vividly the day I was put on a stretcher and wheeled down the long, barren hallway to the waiting ambulance, and the second out-of-body experience.  They had pushed my stretcher to the back of the ambulance.  I left my body and circled the vehicle from the back to the right side, around the front, stopping by the driver's window to look at the dashboard, and went back to the stretcher.  I was fascinated and intrigued.

At the second hospital I became cognizant of my situation, although no one told me immediately of my broken bones, loss of hearing, nor, as I recall, of my lack of communication skills.  Then, too, it is possible that I was told and the information didn't register.  Only later, after my release from the hospital, when I read the description of my injuries provided to me for "insurance purposes", did I encounter for the first time the name of my condition: aphasia.  And even then I didn't know what it meant.  For those who may be unfamiliar with the term, aphasia describes a condition in which the afflicted looses one, several or all of his or her abilities to communicate verbally, be it listening, speaking, reading, writing or several skills I shall not try to describe here.

It was in this second hospital that I underwent the prescribed testing, i.e.  EEG and others.  And it was here that the most unique experience of my life, other than that of being aphasic, occurred.  I do not know whether it happened the first day of my hospitalization there or a few days later. 

However, my impression is that it was the first day.  Once again I was outside my body, to my right and above my head.  I looked down at my body and then looked straight ahead of me where I saw a light, a clarity.  I was puzzled by this and I distinctly recall asking myself if I wanted to go see what it was or return to my body.  I chose to go back to my body, but part way back in I changed my mind and returned to the area above my bed.  This time I saw a tunnel leading to the clarity.  I don't remember seeing it the first time.  Somehow I knew that if I chose to go through the tunnel I would die, but, strangely, it didn't seem to matter to me.  I laughed because I wouldn't have to return to my parents' house and clean out things in the attic I had accumulated over the years.  As I look back at that I'm surprised that I'd find it amusing.  I'd always considered myself a responsible person and still do.  As I stepped into the tunnel this out-of-body experience became quite different from the others.  In the "ordinary" OBE one is immediately drawn back into the body by the slightest sound, fear or other thought from the physical world.  One is attached to the body by what some refer to as a "silver cord".  When I entered into the tunnel there was no attachment to nor memory of the physical world as we know it.  This is my experience; I don't know about "others'" experiences.  I did feel like I was swirling, at first slowly, then faster and was accompanied by "others" after I got part way through the tunnel.  As I approached the clarity at the far end I was disoriented but as soon as I exited from the tunnel I heard voices "Gerry's here. 

Gerry's here!"  Some people having had similar experiences report having seen relatives, friends or religious figures.  I did not recognize any "beings".

Several things struck me.  First of all was the feeling of joy, of euphoria.  No other word even comes close to describe what is inexpressible.  Nothing negative was evident.  I did not encounter or see any "bodies" such as our physical bodies.  What I "saw" were a few (three or four) what I can describe only as essences, clear in substance (if there was substance) shaped like inverted drops.  After 30 years I'm inclined to think "they" may have been different vibrations of light and that perhaps that is precisely what spirit is. 

Communication was not speech as we know it, but rather similar to what we call"mental telepathy'".  There was immediate recognition of the meaning of the communication.  I cannot express well enough the feelings of joy and euphoria (what some call love) that not just permeated the experience but which was its very essence.  It was an expression of total acceptance only spoken of on the physical plane.  There was a point where I said to myself" this must be where I'll see my past go by me".  If I had that experience I didn't bring it back to this plane with me.

Another unforgettable thing was the lack of time and space, i.e.  the experience of timelessness and spacelessness.  I was at one and the same time in the "past" (medieval times),"present", and "what will be".  It was as if the three "time" frames were superimposed in a fashion similar to that of numerous layers of film laid one on the other.  "Space" was experienced in somewhat the same way.  When I was at the exit of the tunnel I was on a hill overlooking a city or village in the distance, and instantaneously, again almost telepathically, I was somewhere else.

As mentioned earlier, there was a pervasive sense of total acceptance and I realized that there is no such thing as sin and guilt, that these are earth-bound, man-made concepts designed to control someone or something.  This has had a lasting impression on me and changed my perspective of life considerably.

So there I was.  It has been pointed out to me by a sensitive (psychic) that I appeared to those who greeted me just as they appeared to me.  That has brought me new insight to the experience.  At any rate I was as ecstatic as the others, eager to learn whatever there was to learn.  They were about to take me "farther" when another essence appeared.  Those who had greeted me at my arrival told the newcomer that I had just arrived and that they were going to take me wherever it was they were going to introduce me.  However, a firm "NO" from the newly arrived essence put a stop to it.  Neither the essences nor I were happy with that response and I tried to insist on staying, saying I absolutely did not want to go back.  In return we got a simple "Gerry must go back because they don't know."

I don't remember saying good-bye.  I know that coming back through the tunnel was faster than going towards the clarity and that it was accompanied by a swooshing sound.  I reentered my body through my head, through what I have since learned is referred to as the crown chakra.  (Here, I must underscore the fact that before my accident and for years afterward I had never heard of the chakra system nor of the associated metaphysical concepts.)  That is where and how I found myself back in my hospital bed.  Whether the experience of having been "on the other side" lasted a few seconds or minutes or more I have no way of knowing.  No one ever mentioned to me that I had "died" but then, the French ways of keeping records and dealing with hospital patients vary somewhat from those with which we are accustomed in our country.  In any event, I had been sent back to the physical plane against my will.  Once back there was a point, a very poignant and frightening point, where I became aware of the fact that I had no strength that even to lift my little finger literally exhausted me.  I recall the impact of that realization.  Unless I took charge of myself I'd be an invalid the rest of my earth-bound existence, someone else would feed me, clothe me, speak for me, and move me from wherever I was to wherever I wanted or needed to be.  No way was I about to let that happen if I could help it so I struggled and "pained" to regain physical strength and to communicate.  One day I realized I wasn't hearing what was being said to me on my right side.  It was the first and, to my knowledge, the only time during the entire experience I am describing that I cried.  It is the only handicap other than tiring easily in noisy situations that has remained with me to this day.

My biological family was not closely knit, and although my mother did come to Paris at the request of the physician and friends, it was more harmful than helpful.  That is one of the reasons that Ginette's unexpected visit provided what I consider the key to my recovery.  Also, I asked her to send her personal physician to see if he'd tell me if I'd ever hear through my right ear again.  The doctors at the hospital wouldn't say more than that they didn't know and that didn't satisfy me.  I needed to know how and to what to adjust my life.  Ginette's doctor was to the point: "No", I would not regain my hearing.  I often wonder, though, whether I would be able to hear today if I had worked as hard at hearing as I did at learning to speak, read, write and pay attention to what people said to me.

Although it took me about five years to recover completely the early steps were exceptionally rapid.  In a week I understood English fairly well and began speaking enough to ask for my radio and a necklace, and to recognize the music from The King and I.  Within the following two weeks I began conversing in French.  The doctors had told me I'd never speak French again and possibly not English!  In less than a month, at my mother's insistence, I was released from the hospital.  The document I was given upon my release states that the aphasia had "notoriously regressed."

As I mentioned, prior to my accident I had made arrangements to teach English in the schools in Arles.  In spite of the doctor's advice I went to Arles so I wouldn't have to return to the States and stay at my parents' house.  I must add that I felt I was truly ready to reenter my profession and thought I would he able to continue my career at that time.  After one-half day on the job I knew I was mistaken.  However, the school administration suggested I stay for six weeks and then try again.  I did stay until mid-November but it became obvious I was not ready for work.  Therefore I returned "home" where I convalesced for a year before returning to teaching.  After one year I became aware I needed more time off.  Since my communication skills were again normal and my lack of strength was disguised by my enthusiasm, no one knew of my accident and experiences related to it and therefore could not understand, let alone believe, my decision at the end of the academic year to leave for where even I didn't know.  As it happened, I was able to return to France for two years where I audited courses and worked part-time.  During those years my "self" (for lack of a better word) was slower at returning to my chronological age than was my body.  One person, a friend in York, PA, was aware of this because I would indicate to her the various stages of focusing to her.  It was most interesting to observe and to go through this process at the same time.  There were specific moments where I said to myself "I feel like a first grader; I feel like I'm about a senior in high school" then in college, and finally at my then chronological age.  It was one of the most unusual experiences I've ever had.  That process lasted about four and a half or five years.

For years, many years, I continued my search for what it is "they don't know".  At times I still am haunted by it.  However, I 've given up on that search for the most part confident that I am doing what I must do.  I hope, simply, that the telling of these experiences will have helped someone understand him or herself, or someone else.  It is not necessary that anyone agree with it, or even believe it.  I would like to have contributed to a better understanding of anyone with similar experiences.

Addendum

In the years immediately following the incident described above I was intent on getting my life together, of coming to grips with "reality" and making ends meet.  Struggle is an understatement.

It was not until the early 70s when someone asked me about my aphasia that I was, in essence, forced to relive my experience.  Painful as it was, it was also cathartic and since then I have been able to share what happened to me.  The same person introduced me to metaphysics and to parapsychology; both these fields have helped me understand my experience.  I have also become a neophyte astrologer.

I had tried for years to write about my NDE but it wasn't until about 1986 that I was able to do so.  Much, obviously, has happened since then.  I learned about the International Association for Near Death Studies (IANDS) and have attended one of their international congresses.  I've read all I can find on the NDE.  One author in particular, PMH Atwater, has helped me.  In her Coming back to Life she states that her research has shown that it takes a MINIMUM of seven years for an NDEr to BEGIN to assimilate the experience!  It put to rest my wondering if I had suppressed my experience for some reason.  The process of integrating the NDE with "normal" life is a continuous, daily one.  Even today, nearly 34 years later, I make adjustments due to what I experienced in the NDE.  I spoke to a 65-year-old who told me the same thing ...  his experience was in childhood!  And, the experience is as vivid as the moment(s) it occurred.

Much has been written on the subject, particularly the past ten-fifteen years and mostly by researchers: Moody, Ring, Sabom, Atwater (herself a three-time experiencer) and others.  Material by experiencers is limited though there are now an estimated 13 million of us, in the US alone.  I often try to explain to groups to whom I speak that the NDE is more intimate than sex.  Here we are dealing with the very essence of being, with the soul.  Beauty and pain go hand in hand in describing the experience unless one detaches him/herself from it and few experiencers can, or are willing to do that.

Therefore, the reader must accept that what I have written in these pages is the tip of the iceberg.  Please, ask no more at this time.

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Man with childhood NDE is further activated by NDEs in his 60's

My life has evolved in just a few short years since I learned that what I thought was a dream from childhood was real. When I was 2 or 3, I almost died from accidental strychnine poisoning. The doctor told my parents to let anyone know who wanted to see me alive that I would expire in a couple of hours. He even said, "Don’t worry, he can’t hear me."

My mom called a preacher that came and put oil on my head and started putting on a show. I was disgusted with him pretending and wished he would leave because I was getting worse with every word.

Then he left by the doctor’s request and I saw my mother go to a huge granite building. She leaned up against a tall beautiful column and just started weeping. She said, “Father you took my first child and I asked you for this one. You gave him to me by a miracle. If you take him, I know he will be safe with you, but I asked you for him, so please let me raise him.” Then she melted into a puddle of tears and that is when I felt so much compassion that I heard this voice in my mind say, “Stop it,” and instantaneously I was okay. The doctor said, “I don't know what happened, but folks you need to get your kids out of this town because the kids not native here are dying.”

Growing up, I always knew when someone was not being honest.

Then I had two NDEs in 2014 that opened my heart to the truth that we are not seeing reality itself. And since then, I have learned so much more about who I am.

In the first NDE in 2014, I was a child and the father came downstairs and told me to come downstairs with him to watch the parade. Wow, it was awesome, all knights on brave gallant steeds that snorted, and I could see in their eyes, they were not afraid of anything. The knights were powerful spirit beings and their armor was polished so bright, it hurt your eyes to look at them. That is when the father tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Son, those are your guardian angels and they are here waiting on your command. Guard your words carefully. They will do what you speak into existence.” 

The second NDE was when they operated on my heart in 2014. I was up high on something solid but there was nothing below me. I had no body, yet I still existed with all my thought power. I saw a huge ball of light that I thought at first was fire but somehow I knew it wasn’t. I said out loud in my thought, "What is that?" A voice in me said, "That is the soup of souls." Then it called millions of names and an arm came out of the soup of souls. The voice told me to look and I saw a huge canvas. It was called the canvas of life and everything ever created was on the canvas. The arm split into millions of fingers and everywhere the canvas touched the screen, a human was born and started to grow. The fingers would move the people around to encounter other people, situations and problems. I understood synchronicity. Then the voice called a name and a finger would pull back from the canvas; a person would die and turn back into the canvas, and that was such a beautiful thing to witness. The voice would call another name and that same finger would create another body; same soul but different body. There was so much love in the way the universe works, the process of life and the ongoing experience of life. I saw how precious and what a gift life is. That is how the creator experiences every side of everything. I was so excited and happy when I awoke in the hospital. I tried to tell people what I saw as they came in the room, but I had no words.

After that, I started noticing synchronicity and increased intuitive ability. I seem to step aside and allow the universe to use my voice. I’ve started healing myself by listening to my body. 

I get urges to go somewhere or do something and sometimes when I meet people, I will tell them things I don't know, but I am just made aware of what they need. Like one time, a girl went in a convenience store ahead of me and I definitely noticed her and I was urged to go talk to her. She was getting a huge box of beer out of the cooler. When I spoke to her, I suddenly blurted out, “Do you know how much God and the universe love you?” and some more things too personal to write. That's when she started bawling. “How did you know I was going to kill myself tonight?” I didn't know, I just allow the love of the universe to love you through me.

I love talking to people the universe brings in my path that are searching. I love that I get used for that.

My feelings now are so tender I cry at anything I hear that’s truth or love, or charity I see.

Suicide beholds the essence of God as love and light

I was being treated for clinical depression. I was home alone feeling defeated. I was blaming and doubting myself for everything I had ever said or done to the point of berating and bemoaning myself as an utter failure. I felt worthless, helpless, vulnerable, and starkly alone without real resources or effective help.

On the day prior to Valentine’s Day, I felt consumed by sadness. Somehow, I decided it was best that I skip Valentine’s Day so that I would feel less sad. I decided to sleep through it.

So, I hopped in my car, and drove to the nearest pharmacy where I purchased ten boxes of generic sleeping pills that each contained 100 pills. I collected the prescription antidepressant that I had not been taking for months. I removed the sleeping pills from their foil pods, and I emptied the prescription bottles. I pulverized 1,300 pills into a powder in a blender. I added the pill powder to pudding and blended them. I then ate the pudding that contained the powder from the 1,300 pills.

As I was quickly fading, I spoke aloud to God telling God that all of me was dying. I said a prayer. I do not remember what I prayed that night, but I do have a total recall of how God responded. As I spoke to God, I heard a booming male voice command me:

“You have two minutes to live. Get out of that apartment now or you will die there!”

The walls and floor were now spinning and rolling so much that I could not find secure footing to stand or walk. I crawled on my hands and knees across the carpeted floor, opened my front door, and crawled across the carpet in the hallway toward my neighbor’s apartment door. I believe I forced myself to stand long enough to knock on her door.

I asked her firmly to please call 911 for me because I was dying. I have absolutely no memory of leaving my neighbor’s apartment, being transported by ambulance, and ever being treated in the hospital’s Emergency Department.

My Visit with God and Angels

Everything around me was light and ethereal and warm and alive.
Light was clearer and brighter than I had ever seen.
Colors were beyond vibrant.
I felt no fear. I felt no pain. I felt no judgment. I felt no blame. I felt no shame.
I felt no fear here!

Profound Love and Peace permeated every being everywhere.
What I know to be the energy of Angels greeted me with the tenderest warmest energy.
I felt embraced by them. They morphed into billowy forms and surrounded me.
Their hearts glowed, radiating and pulsing with light of vibrant colors.

From my heart, which glowed dimly as well, I could sense, feel, and hear telepathically.
I sent an energy wave from my Higher Heart to the heart of the energy of the angels.
They sensed I had a question for them. I sensed it was okay for me to send them my questions.
From my glowing heart waves, I asked them if what I was experiencing was real.

The angels responded telepathically that their realm was real.
I then asked them if I was there with them meant that I was dead. They responded telepathically that my body died so my soul or Higher Heart was visiting them.

For the first time since I arrived, I felt fear, like I had known in the earthly realm, from within my Higher Heart.
They responded to my fear instantly by dissolving it for me. I felt embraced by their energy.
I sensed that legions of energy beings with the most subtle presence were sending me comfort.
I felt no physical pain here despite my having swallowed 1,300 pills.

Angels then explained to me telepathically that they would be accompanying me to a triage area where my Higher Heart could better acclimate to my body being dead.
They shared that people who passed suddenly or who experienced trauma with their passing went to triage.
Apparently mine was a violent jolt of a passing.

Angels wrapped me in the warmest softest blankets that defy human description. I settled and lay wrapped in these blankets.
I then rested listening to the gentle lovely music of the spheres. I only recall being surrounded by Angels who were tending to me. They were focused and worked precisely and silently.
They reassured me telepathically that all was well. They worked to balance my energy in my light body to start to heal my Higher Heart and soul. I did not sense other souls with me in this triage room. I had this gentle place all to myself.

As they worked, I felt safe once again.
I would say that I laid there as they floated; yet floating does not feel entirely accurate.
The Angels knew and sensed what I needed.
There was no need for me to send them messages or waves. When I formulated a thought, they heard me.
Their energy was always present with me. I rested, lying quietly, sensing that I was never alone which comforted me immensely. I trusted them. I loved them.
Their movements were graceful and their intent always benevolent toward my Highest Good.

When the Angel energies that balanced my light body finished their work, they gently departed.
I lay peacefully surrounded by blankets as celestial music filled all of my senses. There was no device, stereo, or instrument present upon which to play music. Or at least one was not visible.
Yet I knew that the music was arriving in waves that were other worldly in origin.
I sensed that the Angels’ energy would return to guide me.

Time and space that exist in the human realm did not exist in this Angel energy space.
I had no earthly idea or indicator of how much time passed. I received more love, grace, peace, and unconditional acceptance telepathically than words can ever begin to convey.
It seemed as though every part of my energy was being restored and renewed. I was starting to understand on more levels.
As I began to accept my earthly body’s passing, waves of warmth and comfort embraced me.
There was no work to be done.
I rested as music and light swirled in and around me. The waves of music danced through me.

A different group of angels then came to guide me to the next phase on my journey.
I sent thanks telepathically to the triage angels who had helped me.
For want of a better phrase, we floated as our energy flowed to another space.

The energy that appeared as cloud-like forms were more angels. They were not healers or triage nurses as the angels who greeted me had been.
These angels felt as though they had a different vibration. They likely served a different purpose, which I would soon discover.

These Angels requested that I observe and notice. I sensed that this was a space where no earthly judgment exists. Just discernment.
They advised me that it was vital that I understand or absorb this concept before I proceeded.
They assured and reassured me that all was well.
Then I was asked to practice to send fear or judgment to something or someone. I did so.

I watched them radiate energy from their glowing hearts to the fear and judgment I created.
That fear and judgment that I had sent dissolved in an instant before my eyes.
No denser energy or light could exist in me as my light body.

They asked me to observe that the light in my Higher Heart had become somewhat brighter.
It was no longer as faint or dim as it had been when I arrived at triage.
I thanked them telepathically for teaching me these light lessons.
I sensed that it was important that I grasp and apply this skill as thoroughly as I was able so that I could flow through and complete this next phase with ease and grace.

I start to feel and sense images as vibrations as they appeared before me. I asked the angels that were accompanying me telepathically if this was a life review. They responded that this was indeed my life review.
They gently advised me to feel love in my heart space. I then watched images of me flash before me.

I braced as I expected the worst scenarios and images of me to appear.
I telepathically thanked the energy as Angels when the images stopped appearing.
I sensed that I had created denser energies in my human form; yet the images did not unnerve me.
They concerned me.
I wondered what happens in this space of love and light to the images I had created.

Nothing could ever prepare me for the next phase that began to emerge!

A robe of light began forming and clothing me. All of the energy as Angels began donning similar light robes.
We could see our Higher Hearts as lights that glowed and beamed through our light robes.
Our light robes were white that was imbued with the softest palest pastel colors. They held a hint of shimmering color.
I believe that the pale color that appeared as an overlay of light on the robes indicated what our ray or role was.
Our hues and vibrations varied depending on our ray or role that we chose to assume there.

Our Higher Hearts shined in every vibrant color of the rainbow. The light glowing within my Higher Heart had intensified yet was dimmer than the Angels’ light which glowed immensely and was intensely bright and vibrant.

We proceeded as the Angels guided me to another space that was vast.
A crystal temple of light that shone more radiant than the sun began to appear before me and the Angels.
It radiated even purer energy and light. It sparkled and glittered.
I bowed my head to avert my eyes because the light was that magnificent.

When I looked up, I saw the tallest brightest luminous Angels who had formed a semi-circle in front of me.
From their circle of love and light they each beamed light and spoke telepathically to my Higher Heart.
They asked me to raise my partially bowed head so that they may address me.
As I hesitated to fix my gaze upon them, they reminded me that this was a space where I was welcome and loved completely.

They asked me to feel and breathe in the love that they were sending to me.
It took immense courage for me to behold them. I was so in awe of their beauty and brilliance.
The members of this council of Light beamed more love from their hearts to me.
They telepathically asked me just one question and looped light from their Hearts to mine as they did so.

They asked me, did you create joy during your life on earth?
I once again bowed my head.
I responded with a resounding “No!” that came from my Higher Heart.
I had not ever created joy while I was alive. Not one bit.
I thought to myself that I knew how to spell the word joy. That was as close as I would have come to joy.
It was not an emotion that I felt so it was not important to me. I never gave joy a thought.
I grasped the concept of joy but I do not think that I ever experienced joy firsthand.

Would I even recognize joy if it shook my hand and introduced itself to me? I wondered.
They enjoyed the internal dialogue I was creating.
I knew what laughter was, at least, I thought to myself.
I sensed not to judge or take myself too seriously.
I had watched as judgment stopped the flow of energy and light and made the vibration denser in the life review phase of my visit.
So, I chose to keep things as light as possible.

My closest associations with Joy were an almond candy bar or a dish soap.
I appreciated that they enjoyed injecting some levity in my inner musings to form a response.
Their question had stumped me for an instant. It was so simple, yet profound.
They radiated and sent pure love to my Higher Heart. The pure love they sent my way instantly dissolved the shame and blame that was forming in my Higher Heart toward the choices I made in my life.

They thanked me telepathically and explained that all of my choices were honored.
They asked me to lift my eyes and hold my head high.

They affirmed that I was loved by God as they sent waves of pure love toward me.

I did as they knowingly requested and lifted my head slowly to view them. This luminous
council of Angels radiated pure love that filled my entire being.
They asked me telepathically if I loved God. I responded that I did love God. I did not hesitate for an instant when I responded.
I counted that there were 12 energies as Angels on this radiant council.
They assured me that I would come to accept, become, and share pure love as they had.
I was worthy to receive and express radiant God love.
I telepathically thanked the Council and God radiating love and gratitude to them from my Higher Heart.
I beamed at the very notion that I may learn to create joy on Earth in my way in my life.

The energy as Angels that had escorted me to this temple of radiant light emerged and joined me.
We gently moved back from the awesome Council of radiant Light.
As we travelled, these angels ever so gently reminded me to observe what was absent from this space.
I watched as any energy of fear, blame, and doubt dissipated and dissolved instantly in this pure love vibration that existed everywhere.

The angels informed me that a question was forming around me in my Higher Heart.
They telepathically explained that I was faced with a choice that only I could make from within my Higher Heart.
They asked me, would I remain with them in this expanded Higher Heart energy or would I return to my earthly form?
They explained that I had agreed to terms of a Higher Heart contract that my soul had agreed to complete before I was born. We all made these agreements whether we are conscious of doing so or not.
Because God honors all choices and we reside on a planet that has free will, I had unconsciously chosen to terminate my contract years earlier than I had agreed before birth. I may have had many years on Earth that remain on my Higher Heart contract.

They explained that because I had shorted my agreement by exiting earlier than was contracted before birth, I would be able to observe everything that would have occurred during my earth life had I chosen to live to fulfill my original contract, but I would be unable to assist or intervene in any way shape or form. I would, in essence, be frozen and unable to act until the time that I reached the age of my original contract.
At that time of my agreed upon time of transition or death, I would be able to proceed freely.

Please understand that God honors all of our choices. This was a soul contract whose terms were being honored for my Highest Good toward the Highest Good of All. No limitation or punishment was ever intended, implied or enacted ever.

I felt love throughout my entire being as the Angels explained the terms of my soul agreement to me. I experienced no judgment or blame or punishment whatsoever in this expanded energy. Only love exists there if we choose to consciously connect to our source of light, energy, and vibration.

As I absorbed this information, I sensed and felt that my early shocking passing would cause my Earth parents considerable hurt and pain beyond what I would ever have imagined or intended for them.
With them in my mind and heart, I consciously chose to leave a space of pure radiating Love and endless Peace to return to Earth, whose energy was much denser at the time.

The angels explained to me that my body would not experience symptoms from my overdose, my sadness would dissolve over time, and my anxiety would heal over time.
If that was not enough, they added that I would help to eliminate depression through my ancestral lines so that we were all released from its grip and struggles.

[Depression and substance abuse were rampant in my extended families. So much so that my Dad always reminded me to be aware and to monitor my activity. Drinking and then drugging were a part of my history and likely DNA. He kindly urged me to be vigilant and find my own balance.
He was never judging anyone we knew who was struggling; he was advising me not to follow that destructive path. My Dad and Mom both helped several family members and friends when they were in trouble.
I had always remembered and I heed that advice from him. I thank him for his concern for my well-being and for sharing information that still guides me.]

They also explained that spiritual gifts that were dormant in me would now be activated. Upon my return, I would serve God and be guided.
They reminded me that they loved me as God did and gave me an energy embrace.
In my entire being, I sensed that I would now always remember my connection to the love and light of God.
I thanked them telepathically for their love and felt energy hugs from them once again.

In the same instant as I chose to return to Earth to honor my original pre-birth agreement, I found myself before the Council.
God in radiant light was now at the center of the semicircle with the same Council of Light.
There are no human words that could ever express or begin to capture the essence of God as love and light.
Perhaps, endless energy expansion?

So, I stood before them, telepathically thanking them for welcoming me to their vibrant Council once again. I felt honored to stand before them, as I felt more worthy to be with them.
God lovingly and firmly asked me if I would be of service. I responded that I would be of service with my whole Heart. I affirmed that I would love and serve God always and all ways.
I felt and sensed God and the surrounding Council rejoicing as I responded from pure love.

I asked them telepathically if I could create what I was experiencing there for myself on Earth. That was all that I chose. To feel that vibrant sense of pervasive peace within me was my soul request.
I telepathically thanked God, the Angels, and my Higher Heart self for hosting me on this visit and activating spiritual gifts within me. I had no idea what doing so meant at the time.

I told and told people that I returned awake and aware of my conscious connection but I did not arrive equipped with an instruction manual or roadmap.
I was grateful to have an active connection yet my learning process was gradual. I would encounter many obstacles along my path.

I would now have a chance to consciously create subtle joy in my own way on Earth. I would start to own my power and find and express my voice over time.
I have never felt separate or disconnected from God as my infinite source of Love since my visit.

In an instant, I returned to Earth, conscious of my connection to God as my I AM presence was activated.
My mission became to experience what I had felt in Heaven here on Earth. I chose that for myself more than anything else.

My Return

I awoke laying in a hospital bed in the Intensive Care Unit feeling groggy, weak and sore. It took me a few minutes to realize where I was and what was happening. I attempted to speak but was unable to do so as I was intubated.

Two days had passed since I had been treated in the Emergency Department and I would spend two days in the ICU, and three days in the Psych ward. I was admitted on Tuesday evening and awoke on Thursday evening. I had bypassed Valentine’s Day, shocked and hurt my parents, visited with God and Angels, agreed to serve God, and was rebirthed and returned in three days.

Whenever I choose to consciously connect to God as love, I intend that my words or actions will uplift, bless and inspire others.
I choose to expand God as love in and through me – always and all ways. I was often guided to hold space for higher God energies.
I began creating subtle quiet inner joy by serving the God of my understanding and experience in the unseen realm.

Upon my return, my God-through-me-spiritual-gifts began to emerge. I began to serve God as I had chosen and promised. I felt connected and guided as I began owning, integrating, and expressing my I AM presence gradually.

For several years, any time I saw an ambulance, which was often every day, I could sense and sometimes hear the soul of the patient. I would introduce myself telepathically to them and ask their permission to determine if they wanted God through me to assist them.
I would ask that God send them and all involved, Peace.

If their soul responded that they did choose assistance, I would then ask for God and all Heaven’s Healers, Doctors and Nurses to be present, together we would send their Highest light and energy to the patient’s whole being.

I would telepathically send blessings to the patient and to all involved in every aspect of their situation. I would gently tell them that they are loved and embraced by God no matter the human outcome. I would ask to send them more Peace and gently depart. I would then thank God for assisting me to raise the light, energy, or vibration of the situation.

I had apparently awoken from my deep sleep in more ways than just the one. It seems that God had been asking me to connect consciously. A few months into my recovery and healing journey, I was blessed to have another Divine encounter. I attended my weekly therapy session. The therapist would often discuss spiritual themes and we would explore patterns. Much to her amazement, she announced that I had a special visitor this day. It was none other than our beloved Jesus.

He stood before me radiating the most vibrant radiant emerald green light from the center of his pulsing Higher Heart. He formed an infinity symbol with the light and sent a loop to my Higher Heart which connected my Higher Heart to His Higher Heart. He was beaming as his eyes and smile lit me with the most fun playful joyous energy you could ever imagine. I felt hugged and embraced by His brotherly presence.

He telepathically sent this message to me:

You are a child of God, you are a woman of Light, and this is LOVE.

I was and I am beyond grateful. Several months later, I asked God what love was and I heard and sensed this reply that came in the form of an acronym. As this helped me to begin to apply and integrate this in my experience, I thought it may assist you as well:

LOVE = Light, Oneness, Vibration & Energy

I started a journey to discover more about the spiritual gifts that had been activated within me. So, I began reading and studying metaphysics in earnest. I felt guided to varied books, websites, and resources. After attending therapy sessions for one year, I was ready to advance so I studied applied metaphysics and completed a two-year course of study that the therapist hosted. I would spend three years among them until I was guided to move on.

I am beyond grateful to be healthy and wholly recovered. I experienced no long-term effects from the pills I had ingested. I actively maintain a gluten and lactose free existence to treat celiac sprue and related health issues.

I am now a project consultant, a spiritual counselor, and a non-denominational minister.
And a divinely perfect imperfect work in progress.

Thank you for allowing me to share part of my journey toward becoming conscious with you. I hope doing so has uplifted, inspired, informed or blessed you to continue on your unique spiritual path.

May you know that you are a spiritual being having a human experience.
May you feel that you are loved and embraced.
May you experience that God loves you just as you are.
May you live fully and express radiantly as love expanding.
May you create from your own unique space of joy.

God as Love is calling me now to serve from my connected Higher Heart in the seen realms.

So here I AM.

Near-death soldier taken to past time where his soul is joined by another man

I would like to tell you about my Near-Death Experience. It all started while I was in Army Basic Training while combat training with pugil sticks which are large sticks with pads on both ends to resemble a rifle (one end would be a bayonet, or knife, and the other end would be the butt of the rifle). While sparring with my opponent, I knocked him to the ground to end the sparring. As the Drill Sergeant blew the whistle to stop, I backed up and stood at attention. I thought my opponent was stumbling to get to his feet but he came at me with an uppercut from which I received a concussion.

I was told to lie down and rest but wasn’t doing very well, so I was taken back to the barracks to rest. When the rest of the men returned to the barracks, they found me unconscious in a pool of my own drool and sweating. I was taken to the commander’s office where I was eventually taken by ambulance to the hospital. As I tried to get in the ambulance, I collapsed and didn’t wake up until the next day. At the time of arrival at the hospital my temperature was 107 and it peaked at 109. I was bagged down with ice trying to reduce my temperature. The doctors declared me brain dead because I had such a high fever for so long that they didn’t think I would ever recover.

During this time, I found myself opening my eyes in what I thought was heaven. I stood before this man who opened his arms to his side as if to welcome me. We were in a dark grey concrete room with wooden beams around the door. The door was planks of wood put together. The man turned a little bit towards me and opened his arms in welcome. He was dressed in a robe-style outfit of a dirty whitish tan color that went down to his feet. He had a gold-colored cloth belt with a buckle of some sort to keep it taut. He wore a brown shawl over his shoulders. The hood that was part of the robe spread from shoulder to shoulder when laid flat down on his back. His skin was Mediterranean-colored. He had black hair and beard and was well-groomed. He stood tall with a warm, welcoming serious look about him. 

I didn’t know the man and we weren’t introduced. Some people have suggested that this was Jesus Christ or Noah but I say that I just don’t know. All I know is what he looked like. 

As I stood looking at this man, he held out one hand to his right side to point to a lady in the same room who had been there all along. She had blond hair with a hint of red. It was short hair with similar clothing that was more cut and sewn. This lady was surrounded by a light. The lady extended her hand as I approached her and took her hand. She was a very pleasant person with a warm smile and touch. When I took her hand and sat down beside her, we instantly traveled through a beam of light. Almost in the blink of an eye we went from location to location.

I had a life review first. She took me back to different times of my childhood. I was shown when I was a child. I saw myself on the day I found out my grandmother died. From above I watched myself walk out of the house and around to the backyard because I was feeling bummed out. As we traveled in this beam of light I was taken where we were high above earth looking upon it.  We were suspended in space in an orb of light for the entire time. There were no words spoken between us through any of this. 

In between traveling, I had more time to look at the place I was at before, with the man and woman in the room. I noticed everything was in early Roman days. Buildings and clothes were very interesting. The buildings appeared to be made of concrete with wooden beams over doorways. The concrete was dark grey. The roof seemed to be just beams that were covered by wood shingles. One building appeared to have marble columns with large concrete blocks that were stacked together. It was fairly large.

The paths through the buildings were like stones, polished from traffic. Some people were dressed in silk-type clothing in beautiful colors and styles, but most were dressed in common cloth robes. Shoes appeared to be just leather pads and straps. Everyone appeared to be fairly clean and well-groomed. Everyone wants to try to give an answer for some of this. I personally think what I saw was from Biblical times, and that I went back in time thousands of years. I feel I was time traveling.

My experience ended when I woke and sat up on the edge of the bed, trying to figure out what was going on. The nurse came over. The medical professionals thought I would have been in a permanent coma until I died. The nurse was happy. She ran over to me and said, “Oh, I thought you never were going to wake up.” 

When I got home after basic training and AIT, the people who knew me before told me I wasn’t the same person anymore. This is one of the things that has stuck with me. 

Another is this: while I was traveling with this woman, the man somehow joined my body. I wonder if I didn’t die that day and the person who was me left and the soul that came into the body is still here. I really don’t know. When I see my hands in my out-of-body experiences, it’s his hands—the Mediterranean guy’s hands—the guy I stood with in the room in my NDE. I believe I have shared my existence with him, which has led to an interesting 30 years of out-of-body experiences and visions and visits from God. 

I recently have gone through an awakening with my last visit from God. He asked if humanity deserved to survive. As I was about to answer, the man living inside me answered, “no.”

I look forward to sharing my entire lifetime of experiences in the near future. 

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