NDE Accounts

Oneness is Reality

I had an asthma attack and was taken to the local hospital and put on a life support machine (respirator) in intensive care for about five days.

I was aware of four states of consciousness: awake, dreaming, hallucinating, and out of body in another realm.

I was listening to two doctors discuss the opening up of the thoracic area and thought they were talking about me. I thought, "Geeze, they think I'm unconscious and they're going to operate and I'm wide awake." When I regained consciousness, I related this to a nurse who told me that the conversation had taken place but in a different room to the one I was in and the doctors were talking about someone else.

I was in a hospital bed in a clinical room that wasn't solid. To my left stood my yoga teacher's wife, Bha, who had died three years previously of breast cancer. Bha was talking animatedly with a blue light being; he was tall and the shape of a man, but he had no features. A neon turquoise blue light outlined his shape and he had lights moving on the inside of his shape like sunlight playing on water. Bha and the light being were laughing a lot.

I was aware that my lungs weren't moving and I was trying to make my chest go up and down by breathing; nothing was happening.

Bha came over and said, "Stop interfering, let the machine breathe you, all you have to do is be here." I thought I would give it a go and stopped trying to breathe, I realised that I was still here even if I didn't breathe.

I was watching my life on a sort of video in my mind, which was running left to right. I saw myself laughing when I was seven and wearing a brown and white striped dress that my grandmother had made me. I saw myself in a conversation with my school mates saying, "Don't be stupid, when you're dead, you're dead." and other things that I cannot recall just now.

I went back in my memory to when I was a fetus and I was rocking myself to a sound that was the shape of a triangle; not like a pyramid but with a long base, a short upright on the left side and the top line curved. (perhaps my mother's breathing?) I had just discovered my tongue and I was rubbing it on the roof of my mouth. The sensation was exquisite. I discovered that I could click my tongue (I would describe this now as the sucking motion) and was clicking my tongue to the shape of the sound as I rocked myself. I was in a state of bliss.

I went to a place of knowledge, where I knew everything. It was here that I knew that there was no such thing as time or space. It was here that I realised that I had created all of the melodramas in my life and it made me laugh (I call that my cosmic giggle).

I went into a flow of oneness that I think is God, (I called that the isness); it is a state of bliss where I am all there is. It is formless. It is like waking from a nightmare and finding yourself safe at home. Life on earth is the dream and this oneness/bliss is the reality that you wake up into safe and sound.

I was back in the room with Bha and the light being, Bha said, "It's time for you to go back now." I said I didn't want to go back. A vision came into my mind of my daughter crying over my grave. I could feel what my daughter was feeling and I thought, "Ah, she's not ready for me to leave her yet. I'd better go back." As soon as I had the thought, I was back in my body. I was watching the video of my life again when suddenly it disappeared (as if the video was one of those little tape measures that has a button on the top to recoil the tape into its plastic housing and someone had pressed the button). I thought, "Hey, I was watching that."

A tea lady woke me up. I asked for water. My leg had pins and needles and I wanted to put my foot on the floor but every time I moved my leg a woman's voice would shout, get back in bed . I didn't know where I was or why I was there, or indeed who I was, I thought I was in a concentration camp being held against my will. I didn't recognise my daughter when she came to visit and had to ask who she was. I wanted to go home even though I didn't know where home was. The night I went home I had a sort of stroke and lost my memory, ability to speak and my balance so that, for some time, I had to come downstairs on my bottom, holding onto the railings and have someone to hold onto when I walked. I could not bend over without toppling over completely.

I was in a state of terror at being left alone. This went on for about six weeks and my husband had to get someone to sit with me if he wanted to go out. I was like a child. As I learned to talk and walk again. My speech became like that of a Swedish or German woman. I was very emotional and sensitive, bursting into tears easily and being easily frightened.

Then came an extended period of bliss where I was aware of the oneness of everything. I would amuse myself whilst hanging out the washing, knowing that everything is God; the cloth, the pegs, and the washing line itself. Wild birds would perch on my head as I sat in the garden and I hand fed a wild pigeon. At this time, there was no fear in me at all. One day a blackbird flew out of the hedge near my ankle and soared into the air. I felt as if I was flying with her for a time and felt exuberant. I was completely psychic and would only have to think of someone or something and they would appear at my door. I had a deep love for everyone I had contact with and I would describe that state now as living completely in the moment or in the now or in the flow. Apparently my eyes were all lit up at that time.

I lost one of my friends who thought I was possessed because I had a complete personality transplant. It was hard for me to explain what had happened to me because really, there are no words to describe it, I can only approximately describe it.

Although I couldn't remember my past, I could recognise people. I forgot I could drive, but it all came back when I sat in the car. I forgot my brothers' names. I lost a lot of memories forever. My speech returned to normal after about six months along with my balance.

For some years, I would wake at about 2 a.m. and the blue being (Michael) would teach me spiritual things until about 5 a.m. Although I still sense him around me, his presence is not as evident in my life as it was. This has been my choice because I felt that I was becoming too dependent on him to guide me. I

 trained as a hypnotherapist and holistic masseuse so that I could help people heal themselves. I know myself to be a healer. I think my purpose here is to help people to be unafraid of the dying process and to teach them that there is life after death. I have subsequently trained as an Interfaith Minister and Spiritual Counsellor so that I can work in hospitals and hospices.

My husband and I divorced soon after the episode. There is now no evidence of me ever having a stroke. I think I have seen the last of the asthma that used to plague my life. There may be more that I'm not recalling just now.

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Man who drowned as teen and was pulled out seeks answers later in life

When I was around fourteen years old, I went fishing with my older brother and his friend. We took a small boat out on to a river. The river waters were extremely high and fast-moving as it had been raining for two weeks straight. As soon as we launched the boat from the shoreline it immediately capsized. As I went over into the water, I was able to grab onto a seat cushion that fell into the water. It happened so fast as the water was pulling me down underneath rapidly. The seat cushion which was supposed to also serve as a flotation device was useless as I was clutching on to it. 

I was looking up as I was being pulled down and I could see the top of the water and a very small what appeared to be a hole of light from above getting smaller and smaller as I was being pulled down so fast I couldn't seem to move at all, just being pulled under. Two thoughts came to mind, as I was being pulled down - the seat cushion was not helping to save me, it was getting sucked down regardless, and I remember saying to myself in my mind - "I can't believe I am going to die like this, I'm only 14." At that point, everything went dark.

The next thing I can remember is looking up and seeing the overcast sky, I was soaking wet, lying on my back. My vision was not very clear, foggy like, confused, where was I, what was happening. As I was coming to my senses, I could hear my brother calling my name off in the distance. I called out to him. All I remember next was saying to him - (his first name) "You saved my life, thank you for saving my life and pulling me out of the water." He replied - "I didn't pull you out of the water, we've been running up and down the shoreline looking for you." We've had people looking for you for some time.

When he pulled me up from the ground, I turned to look at where I was. I had been lying in the branches of a large birch tree that was lying partially in the water’s edge downstream from where the boat capsized. We got in the car, didn't talk much. When I got home, I remember telling my Mom that (brother's first name) had saved me from drowning. 

My brother to this day doesn't know what happened and he insists that he did not pull me out. He found me lying on the tree. The incident seemed to have gone into the background of my life in the early years of my life. At times the memory would come up, I would struggle to make sense of it and then it would disappear again for years. In my later years, as a parent, I've struggled to fill in the missing pieces which were causing restlessness for answers, loss of sleep, questioning life.

Something seemed to have brought the incident to the forefront of my thoughts several years ago and it was difficult for me, replaying it out in my mind daily, what happened, how did I get out of the water - Who saved me? It's almost like I have a sense of someone having pulled me from the water. A hand reaching down into the water and pulling me out, telling me it was not your time.

The past year I've been getting more thoughts coming into my head that I was not following the course that I was supposed to. I was supposed to be helping people heal, overcome their challenges, fears, obstacles. Helping them find their path in life. Like I was given a second chance in life and now was the time to take care of business before it gets too late and I didn't accomplish what I was supposed to do. 

I've only recently told my children about my experience. I have actually come to peace with trying to find the missing time/events between going under and awakening. I've been in many sessions of searching and during one, a voice or thought clearly said to me - "You don't need to know the answer right now, it's not the time. Just know that you are here." 

Woman, abused as infant, has NDE after-effects

When I was approximately two years old, my father looked at me one day and decided he wanted to “be the first”. He raped me as an infant. Many years later, when he was beginning to show signs of dementia, someone spoke to him about how he should treat me. His response was, “She’s my daughter and I’ll do what I want with her,” and then proceeded to tell the above story (in more graphic detail). This came back to me more than a year after that conversation, and after he had passed.

I have no conscious memory of that event from my infancy. However, I have known since my 20s that something of that nature had happened to me. I knew it because my emotional and physical responses in certain situations were classic sexual-abuse-victim reactions. I knew it because of “cellular memory”: my body knew, even though my mind didn’t. I spent many years in therapy, reading, and self-evolutionary work, trying to figure it out, trying to remember what happened to me. It wasn’t until my father’s late-life “brag” (that was his point, to demonstrate his “rights”) was relayed to me that I finally had an answer. I was then in my 50s. But I still have no conscious memory of the event.

When I started attending the Tucson IANDS presentations, I was fascinated. To know what was on the other side, to hear others’ personal accounts, was at once uplifting and reassuring, intellectually engaging and emotionally supportive. I joined IANDS, and was further delighted to start receiving their “Monthly NDE” reports. Recently I came across a couple of them that really caught my attention.

One talked about NDEs in children, written by P.M.H. Atwater. She spoke of how “children compensate”. Rather than deal with their experience, they adjust other things around it; that even into mature years, the puzzle is often not solved. They “begin abstracting (dealing with broad conceptual ideas), are smarter than their parents, school teachers, friends”. “They forever miss HOME, the greater collective they know is real.” She says 90% are unable to bond with their parents. She continues: “Typical characteristics afterward: heightened senses, vivid imagination, intellectual curiosity and drive, psychic/intuitive, loneliness, higher I.Q., deep capacity to care, great potential for an ethical path, aware of future moments, strongly independent even if shy, nonlinear development. The younger the child, the greater the jump in I.Q., [and] the ability to abstract.” They are “doers with good ideas, inventions, and the energy to get jobs done”. They have a heightened consciousness, and a tendency to nerve-stomach-skin sensitivity.

These things all represent aspects of myself. I never felt particularly close to any of my family. (I’m not even sure what “bonding” with a parent might actually be.) I never thought I was smarter than average, until I had more experience with a broader range of people – and then it became clear to me: my comments were often over the heads of other people. My thoughts and ideas were often complex and fairly advanced in logic and principle, and went unnoticed (at best) or ridiculed (at worst). I am very resourceful and can often come up with unique ways to deal with a problem or situation. I am a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) as defined by Dr. Elaine Aron. I am intuitive and perceptive of people’s emotions and intentions. I can often “see” likely outcomes of present actions. I can often tell when someone is lying. I have a strong sense of history and how it connects everything, as well as my own participation in many time periods. I have had several Spiritually Transformative Experiences (STEs), mostly regarding my own past lives. And I have an awareness of a broader future for humanity and the planet.

A different Monthly NDE mentions the writer’s “excruciatingly painful awareness”, a “feeling of desolate isolation from my real existence”. I have always felt a deep, profound, and painful sadness, just from living on the physical plane, never feeling a part of this place, never feeling “at home”. I know things about how this life works that most other people don’t seem to be aware of, things in terms of personal interactions, repercussions, and energetic flow. At least, sometimes.

Other times I am clueless as to social norms and acceptable behaviors, or what some enigmatic comment is supposed to convey. And yet I was never able to utilize my sensitivities for anything other than personal evolution. It did not help me find jobs or friends, I never felt “successful”, either monetarily or socially. I have never had sufficient certainty of my ideas to help others by way of predictions or information regarding their own lives. All I can do is give my own thoughts and impressions as suggestions, and if they accept what I say, it may help them to understand their circumstances or make their own choices. Often, however, they do not. I sometimes feel like Cassandra of Greek mythology, cursed to give true prophecies which nobody ever believes.

In this second Monthly NDE, the writer says she has no memory of the experience, she simply “knew” that she had been on another plane of existence, and had been forced or somehow persuaded to return to her physical body. This really woke me up. “Having no memory of the experience” is the same way I describe my own sexual assault: I have no conscious memory of it, yet I “know” it happened. This led me to what felt like a revolutionary concept: perhaps I had, as a result of rape at a very early age, left my body and experienced an NDE. For reasons at which I can only guess, my memory of the physical event and my retreat out of my body – and whatever happened on the other side – had been erased. I would guess that this was done to protect me and help me survive.

The emotional pain, shyness, reluctance to socialize, constant anxiety, and fear for my protection and future have been with me as long as I can remember. I have always known that I had to take care of myself, I could rely on nobody else for my physical, mental, or emotional wellbeing. Over the course of more than 60 years, that intuition has been borne out, and continues to be true.

I have always had a deep need and respect for the truth, beyond what most others would act on, even to my own detriment in terms of money or personal cost. If you don’t have truth, I felt, you don’t have anything. My mother’s description of me, as told to the mother of a friend of mine, was “very independent”.

Despite crippling shyness, I was compelled to utilize my musical talents in singing and acting. I have a number of stomach/digestive issues, and I am physically very sensitive. (I.e., things that are very painful to me would go unnoticed by many.) I have always tried to help others, though my efforts were often misunderstood. I feel a visceral pain at cruelty or subjugation of any kind, to anyone, whether I know them or not. I have always championed the underdog in most any situation or society at large, including (especially!) the animal kingdom.

My empathic abilities seem to be very sharp, yet indistinct. I can be overwhelmed by feelings that often make no sense to me, if I happen to notice. More often, I get totally lost in the emotion and react to that, and I don’t notice that it likely comes from people or circumstances around me. This is complicated by my own, often very strong, emotions. It took me decades to realize this was happening, and I am still learning how to differentiate and identify sources (me or not-me).

I describe this laundry list of “after-effects” as the only evidence of my NDE. It may seem like I’m jumping to conclusions, but that is the nebulous nature of my attributes and abilities. I have only my intuition to go on. It may sound self-absorbed, yet that seems to be my purpose here in this lifetime. My constant goal throughout my life has been to improve myself as a human being and increase my spiritual awareness. Everything else was secondary. (I was once told by a numerologist that I was hoping to make this my last incarnation.) For the most part, the only real achievements I have made during my life have been in introspection, self-realization, and personal evolution. And perhaps those are no small achievements. So, make of it what you will. If my story helps anyone else in their own journey, that will be a whole new kind of success for me.

Greeted by vibrantly-colored spirit guides and guardian angels

I was involved in a horrific three-car motor vehicle accident on Sunday, March 8th, 2020. Doctors told me that I am fortunate to be alive and that most people involved in a head-on collision such as mine don’t survive it. 

I am writing to you in part to process what I experienced during my accident and also try to find some answers or understanding about what happened to me. 

The accident occurred in front of my eldest daughter's home. I turned on my left-hand blinker, slowed down, and noticed a white car traveling extremely close behind me. I proceeded to slow down while going East on the residential street and felt the white car hit me from behind. That caused my car to spin out of control and forced me to go over the divider into oncoming traffic proceeding Westbound where I was hit again head-on. I lost consciousness after the second impact. When my daughter approached my car she mentioned that when she first saw me after the accident my eyes were a distinctive blue-white 'haze' and a type of milky color in my eyes. She saw me slumped over the steering wheel making a gurgling sound and not breathing.  

What I saw was myself being tossed back and forth in the car with a cloud of white smoke surrounding me, which I assume was the airbag deploying, but I was not connecting with the person in the driver's seat at the time. While I was observing myself in the car, I noticed the color of the t-shirt as the most brilliant magenta color and finally realized the person in the car was me, because I specifically wore that t-shirt for comfort and it’s one of my favorite t-shirts. As I was connecting that the person in the driver seat was me, at that moment I was literally out of my physical body. Next, I observed me slumped over the steering wheel and then I felt my body floating away from the inside of my car and I started rising above my car.

I had the most incredible feeling of oneness and joy and absolutely no pain at all. I can’t really describe it, but I could see everything around me, under me, above me and behind me. While I was fascinated with this concept and trying to understand what I was experiencing, I noticed there were five to six of what I believe were my guardian angels and spirit guides that were waiting for me within the most indescribable light surrounding them. The brilliant colors are hard to describe, but they were mostly orange hues with yellow streams of light behind them. The colors were so vibrant and gorgeous. It felt like they were waiting for me to attend a kind of celebration. While I was observing this amazing scene, I thought of my family and instantly with great force and speed I was sucked back into my body, gasping for air, and started feeling the most excruciating pain. 

After eight weeks of recovering, I have gained a new perspective on life. I can honestly say I feared death and the unknown before my accident, but due to my experience, I have lost the fear of death. I have a new sense of what my purpose is and my spirituality has strengthened. I also tended to be a bit shy and not speak up or express myself; however, I found my voice and now have the ability to express my feelings more often. I am a doula and I cherish serving babies and their families and yet again it’s given me an increased awareness to serve and love my family and friends more often. 

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