NDE Accounts

The void, my grandmother, and God change the way I see life

Nearly three years ago, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder called idiopathic anaphylaxis.  

Which is a fancy way of saying that I go into anaphylaxis and anaphylactic shock without being seriously allergic to anything.  It's sort of a glitch in my immune system.  

This condition has caused me to be critically ill on numerous occasions.  During three episodes of anaphylactic shock in 2014, I felt my spirit leave my body and subsequently had three near-death experiences, each a continuation of the one before.  Thank you for allowing me to share this experience with you.  My story begins as I lie in a coma, on a ventilator, in the intensive care unit. 

I feel oddly light, and find myself in the backseat of a vehicle. My longtime friend is driving.  I notice it's pouring rain, she's wearing mismatched clothes, and is pulled over beneath a canopy at a gas station.  She's looking at her phone and I peer over her shoulder to see what she is writing.  I see her type, "Hang on kiddo, I'm coming," and post it to Facebook.  I'm then sucked back into darkness.

My mind begins to wake, pushing me up from what feels like deep sleep, into full consciousness.  Opening my eyes, I see total blackness, and perceive that what lies before, behind, above and beneath me is a deep and endless void, through which I am unable to navigate.  A crushing sensation pushes around and against me, though when I move my arms, there's nothing physical touching me.  Where is this terrible pressure coming from? I wonder.  The oppressive environment wrings my existence like a wet rag, making each breath a tremendous effort.  Every muscle drags air into my lungs, then squeezes it back out.  I feel as though a very negative, heavy spiritual energy is all around me. 

I'm alone in this place, as though no one else has ever existed, and I wonder if I've been in this soul-oppressing purgatory all along.  Maybe I'd dreamed it all, my life and family...the world?  Could that have been a place and time I'd created in my mind to provide some relief from this darkness?  It was too terrible to consider.  Exhausted, I feel the deep sleep encroaching, and beg her to swallow me into her gut and keep me there, that I would never know this awful place again. She hears my pleas and quiets my conscious mind into the blackness, mercifully rendering me completely unaware.

The reprieve from the void seems short as I awaken again to this dreaded place; aching for even a sliver of light, anything to help me figure out where I am.  It's not hell, of that I'm certain, but knowing that doesn't diminish my hopelessness.  How long have I tarried in this unending abyss?  Every moment here is a second and an eternity all at once.  If the life I remember was real, and I'm ever able to return, I'll live differently.  I'll embrace my days with passion and joy; not just let them slip by, as though each one wasn't a gift.  

Each time I emerge from the sleeping quicksand, I ask the same questions.  Where am I, and why am I here?  Where has everyone gone?  I puzzle, searching my mind, trying to make sense of my state.  Maybe I should try to move...but how, and where?  I struggle to make some forward motion, each vacillation a tremendous effort, as though I'm trying to move through thickening concrete.  It feels like invisible forces are holding me in place.  The work is so draining and so taxing that the deep sleep, in her compassion, takes me in her arms and gives me rest.

Finally, after what seems an eternity, something changes.  I've moved through the void, and now find myself on one side of what seems like a barrier.  Sensing that I'm floating, I near the divider and peer through.  There, in a hospital bed, lies my physical body.  How can I be there and here at the same time? The wall doesn't yield to me, but as I approach it, the scene on the other side becomes clearer.  My body is hooked to wires and tubes.  

Ah, I must be sick!  The realization gives me hope...It wasn't a fantasy. I hadn't been dreaming it all!  Squinting my eyes, I see my daughter standing beside my bed.  To the right, a ventilator pumps and churns behind her.  What's wrong with me? Why am I in ICU?  

My adult child stands at her post in front of the life-sustaining machine, and a longing so deep and profound fills me.  I need to touch her, to take her in my arms and make all of this go away.  I feel and hear her thoughts and know that, despite her outward show of strength, she is frightened and worried.  Instinctively, my hands reach for her, but are stopped by the cruel wall.  I pound it with my fists, but it defies me, refusing to yield.  What's going on?  Why am I stuck in this place, outside my physical body, and why can't I get back into it?  Then it occurs to me.  I know what to do!  My mind whirls with hope for the first time.  I must try to wake my body!  It was so simple; why hadn't I thought of it sooner?

Focusing all my energy on the me in the bed, I try to wake her, to will her eyes open... nothing, she lays there motionless, ignoring my efforts.  Come on!  Why isn't this working?  Perhaps I need to start smaller, get her to move her finger.  I focus my energy on her hand...Come on Penny, just a little twitch, you can do it!  Damn!  Still nothing.  Why is this so difficult? Trying over and over yields no result; each desperate attempt lands flat against the stubborn wall.

All at once, my spirit is sucked backward with great force, as though all the winds of earth are pulling me away from the hospital room, away from my earthly body that lies like a stone only inches from my daughter.  Thrashing and fighting to stay in the room proves useless; my struggle against the invisible vacuum is wasted effort.  I'm sucked back...back...back into the heartless, dispassionate void.

Time passes unmarked.  How long have I been here?  A day?  A week?  The void shows no mercy as it holds me in its grip.  I shut my eyes tightly, open them, and find myself again near the membrane between the void and the hospital room. The relief of being close to the physical world is profound.  This time it's different though.  The wall is pulsing, as if it's breathing.  Moving closer, I pop through the airy wall and float over my physical body.  She is motionless, attached to monitors and the ventilator, her body showing no more life than the blankets that cover it.

After only a few seconds, the scene in the hospital grows dim, and I'm forcefully sucked back into the darkness.  The void feels heavier; the pressure on my chest makes it difficult to get air into my lungs.  I remember I don't need to breathe; the ventilator is doing that.  Still, something is pushing me to inhale and exhale, to reconnect my spirit with the me that lies in the hospital.  The effort is exhausting, like trying to swim with cement blocks tied to my limbs.  Pressing forward, I struggle to find the membrane.  Why can't I go back to the life I remember?  Watching my physical body from my helpless station in the upper corner isn't enough.  I want to either wake up in my body, or stay in the deep sleep, never to know the void again.  How long must this cycle continue?

Lamenting my situation, and aching for another chance at life, it dawns on me that the void is a place of my own making.  A representation of my apathy; a symbol of the wall I'd spent a lifetime building.  Its bricks were ones I'd stacked to keep people out and my feelings in.  A barrier of my own construction, built brick-upon-brick with each hurt I'd suffered.  My efforts to protect myself had made me less...less real, less vulnerable, less joyful, as impenetrable as the coma I lay in.  My physical self in the ICU had no idea how close she was to losing it all.

When I finally realized, the void was a prison of my own design, it split open with a thunderous BOOM!  A bright light shone before me.  The darkness was still there, but now it was behind and beneath me, being pushed back and down by the brilliant light.  I was being pulled, drawn, as if by a powerful magnet, into the arms of a glorious spirit.  Am I finally being rescued from this terrible place?  Oh, let it be so!

The spirit, bold and adorned in light, held me tightly to her breast.  I feel her energy swirling around me, like a great funnel cloud, holding me effortlessly in the middle.  Pulling me in closer with one arm, she thrusts out her other arm, her fist whooshes past me toward the darkness, and lands a blow on the soulless place.  The void explodes and the fragments fly around us, trying to enter her whirlwind of energy but unable to penetrate it.  Her light shines brighter as the shards collide with it, the radiant glow repelling them, sending them to a place I'm glad I know nothing of.  The sickening pressure that I'd felt trickles off me like dew from a blade of grass; each droplet makes me lighter as it's consumed by the glorious rescuing spirit.

Looking up, I see the face of my champion; her features, soft and feminine, her eyes a brilliant green, returning my gaze and knowing me completely.  Our spirits unite, like two rivers meeting and converging to the sea. 

She's familiar to me, but when I try to recall how I know her, it falls away like a dream that hides in the curves of your brain, playfully evading discovery.  I press further, consumed with a deep need to remember how this spirit is known to me.  My eyes draw upward, to her hair...her brilliant red hair, like nothing I've seen before.  To call it red is to describe it with a pitifully inept word, akin to calling the sun a flicker of light.

Her hair is like fire on her head.  It has an energy that defines her, powerful and bold and...in an instant, I remember her. My maternal grandmother!  Tears spring to my eyes, and my heart leaps in my chest.  She was an amazing woman in life and clearly, that same spirit followed her to the place where she found me.  Laughing and crying, my tears came in torrents, purging me of the grief of her loss that I wasn't aware I still harbored.  She hadn't died!  No, she's more alive here than she was in her body.  The realization took my breath.

Her gaze, soft and sweet, relaxed me completely and I melted into her arms.  For the first time in a long time, I felt safe.  Ahh, safe!  When had I last felt untouchable by harm?  What a balm to my soul.  Resting in her embrace, I allow my resonance to merge with hers, our energies entwining and encircling us; yet somehow, each spirit still identifiable as its own.  How is it possible to feel such unity and still feel the uniqueness of all that's me?  Her energy doesn't consume or diminish mine.  In fact, as our forces dance around us, I can feel my energy, my wholeness, growing into something so powerful and profound that it escapes earthly definition.  

Finally, she speaks to me, but not as we speak here, on the earthly plain.  There's no sound, yet it is audible, there are words, but they don't move from her lips to my ears...she speaks them with her spirit, directly into mine.  "Calm yourself, Dear One."  My spirit embraces her instruction.

The energy in her words is digested, each syllable carrying the intended effect.  I feel calm and fluid. The words "dear one" are broken down to their smallest components, yet not fractured or destroyed.  They retain their full meaning in each tiny piece and course through me like blood through my veins.  I feel the words, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  In that moment, I know her and feel her words loving me, showing me that I truly am dear to her.  It infuses me and makes me...more.  Finally, I can see who I really am, and it's clear that I'm much more than I ever believed I could be.

I understand in a deep way that is new to me.  On a cellular level, I feel and know what it means to be dear to someone.  Understanding this in such completeness overwhelms me and I weep in her arms.  I weep for pain and sorrow and joy.  I weep for all the suffering I'd known in life and all the suffering I'd seen and felt unable to change.  I weep for the wall I'd built, the isolation I'd willfully imposed on myself, when I was in my body.  I weep for those in the earthly realm, those who are without hope and believe that there's nothing but what they call the here and now.  My heart dissolves in despair.  What if they'd been right, and the void had been my eternal existence?  Lying forever in a state of... nothingness?  I cry out, trembling at the thought of being consumed by the deep sleep that I'd once considered a reprieve.  "Shhh, Dear One, all is well."  Her words pull me back from the awful memory of the deserted place that had, until recently, been my holding cell.

A question comes to mind as I rest in her arms, and I move to ask her, to speak the words, but as soon as the thought forms, the answer appears, from her consciousness to mine.  "You are not dead, there is no death, except that the body becomes useless and is cast away.  You are either alive in the body...in the earthly realm, or super-alive here...or a mixture of the two as you are now; part of you there, and part of you here on the side of the spirits.  Your body lies near death in the hospital, and your spirit has left it, but not completely.  A sort of...cord, binds you to it still.  If it did not, you would be fully here."

Another question springs to mind, and as before, it is answered without my having to speak.  "Your consciousness exists outside your body.  It's not contained or housed in the brain.  It's eternal and cannot be held inside anything.  It exists whether your physical body does or not.  You can access it with your brain, but it isn't kept there like some sort of component.  Consciousness endures despite the body.  You've heard it said, Dear one, that energy isn't created or destroyed, it simply changes forms.  It's true on the earth plane and it's true here.  It is law."

My consciousness is eternal?  Not dictated by whether my body is alive or dead?  I'd never imagined such a thing.  I thought that when I died, I would still have some sort of physical structure that defined me.  It's difficult to comprehend that my body isn't me.  The information courses through me, billowing into fullness, and I realize that this...the way I am here...this is more real, more true, more accurately me, than the person being kept alive, in a hospital, on the other side.

Finally, I understand who I'm meant to be.  I ponder the complexity and simplicity of it so deeply that I don't realize my grandmother has gone, leaving me floating alone in the bright white light.  

An all-powerful energy shook me from my thoughts, and my internal dialogue stopped.  It was strikingly foreign to have my mental voice stilled, and all musings sent away.  My brain quit thinking and ceased its usual busywork.  In that moment, I knew who I was with.  Two words formed in my mind...

I AM.

I was with the Spirit of God, and I knew Him.  I knew Him in a sense that was physical, spiritual, and mental.  He held no form; there was no embodiment, for what could hold Him?  What could contain the eternal?

The white light of His penetrating energy was unstoppable.  It couldn't be dimmed.  It touched me and went deeper still, beneath my physical self, of whom only a perception remained.  His vast, white presence, soaked into every part of me, diving deep into my core and stealing my breath, of which I had no need, because I was filled with His light.  I lay myself bare to this energy, letting it fill every empty place inside me.  It took up all those spaces without diminishing me in any way, for the white energy of God does not take from us, it only gives...filling us to overflowing.

His radiant light moved with powerful intent toward all parts of me, surrounding and infusing every cell, filling my body with intense warmth and vibration that was an indescribable joy to my ears, my skin, and my spirit.  I remained intact, retaining what was of benefit to me; while that which wasn't of benefit seemed to never have been.  I was unable to recall the pain, hurt and shame that were once my close companions, and I had no desire to try to bring them forth to my memory.

I saw my life before me, as though watching a movie.  I saw people I'd loved, and people my love had affected, without my knowing it.  The ripple effects of the good I'd done in my life played out on the screen and filled me with joy.  Seeing all the deeds done by others, because of love I'd shown them, made me weep with joy.  I had no idea such small acts resulted in such profound expressions and manifestations of love.  God allowed me to linger and watch the scenes over and over again.

My focus was pulled back to the bright white light.  It permeated me to my tiniest cell, wrapping me and filling me.  I relaxed my head back, not wanting to feel burdened by the weight of it, and at that moment, the white light moved into my neck, with such warmth, that it caused me to curl myself inward to experience it even more.

From my neck, it moved up through my jaw and into my mouth, lighting my tongue with the most pleasing of melodies.  I wanted to keep my eyes closed, to try and contain the light so it couldn't escape, but that was in folly.  My eyelids couldn't contain the power of the Creator.  It shined straight through them to the outside, reflecting off the light that surrounded me and raced back in.  

The white energy warmed my face and poured into my head, buzzing around my brain, lighting it with tingling sensations and creating a sense of floating and weightlessness.  Then, the light proceeded to enter each curve of my brain, flowing through as though traveling an expansive winding river, sparking to life previously unused parts of my intellect and creating within me a knowing which made all things clear.

Situations that I'd found torment over, in the earthly realm, were brought to my memory.  The dread and sadness that held me captive to the pain of those transgressions was vanquished.  Each truth became peaceful and clear in my mind.  No words were spoken, no explanations given, to erase the hurts and disappointments, just this deep internal understanding that the reality of those matters had not been what I believed it to be.  

I'd tried for so long to fit those trials into some sort of framework, to help me understand them.  I didn't know that the truth wouldn't come through my beliefs or ideas, but through the powerful energy of God that filled me on this side, the side of the spirits.  The weight of each of those pains left me, replaced by His peace, like a tender hug from father to child, assuring all is well.

I surrendered myself completely to God.  He held my entire existence.  His light flooded out of me, exuding from my bones, pouring out from each strand of hair, even my eyelashes were aglow and tingling with His light and love.

God was drawing me back to His core, where I had belonged all along.  I allowed myself to move closer and closer to His center.  Then suddenly, it was no longer external, it was internal!  The bright light's source dwelling at the deepest part of my being.  God's spirit living inside me, residing in my heart, my spirit, my soul!  For the first time, I understood that God was vast and personal, and at my invitation long ago, had taken up residence in my spirit.  I felt as though I might burst with joy, and explode into light, the rays from the blast reaching the farthest expanses of the universe.  I dove into the light, wanting never to return to the earthly realm.

Then suddenly I was stopped.  I knew that I couldn't continue this path...not yet.  I longed to stay, to make it to the spark of my existence, but it was not to be.  The light grew dim and distant and I became fretful, crying out to God, "Please! Grant me at least the memory of this!  I feel I will lose all hope if I cannot at least have that."

I woke in my hospital bed...the memory of my time on the other side held deeply within.

I've experienced significant changes since my NDE and now see life in a whole new way.  The most important lesson learned since my experience, the message I need to share with the world, is that we are all connected.  Life, at least in western culture, teaches us to be independent.  From the moment we draw our first breath, we are cast into a society of separatism.  We buld fences and walls, both literally and figuratively, to keep others out.  As we grow into adulthood, those separations become battlefields, further dividing us...even from the God who created us.

This independence is confusing and contrary to what our spirits need and desire.  It engages us in a lifelong struggle with our very essence, and becomes the source of all conflict.  If we, as children of God, are ever to make a real difference, we must first come to the understanding that we are linked to each other by our Creator.  I am connected in spirit with the criminal, the beggar, the infirm.  It is by recognizing this truth that I realize I too could have gone the way of the thief, the impoverished or the afflicted.

I came back from my NDE with a truer understanding of the strength and power endowed in each by our Creator.  We need not sit idly by, staring up at the sky, waiting for God to fix the problems here on earth.  He is right here with us! Equipping us with His love, so we can work together and get the job of caring for each other done.

This knowledge has given me a sense of peace.  Worry no longer makes sense, as I know that all things work together for good, if we choose the love of God.  I'm slower to anger and not as easily hurt.  Why should I be angry or hurt?  When someone wrongs me, I feel compassion; understanding that I once lived a life consumed with self, and in that, hurt others.  I walk taller and my smile is finally genuine, not just a mask I wear.  I strive to remember God's love when I speak, and gauge my words, so that they don't bring pain to others.  

Thank you, God, for my time in the void and in the light.  I feel "real" now.  I'm sprinting toward love, and rejecting fear.  The walls have come crumbling down, and I stand upon the rubble...ready to fulfill God's great and glorious purpose in my life.

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Woman's love is measured during her life review

In the summer of 1998, I was going down the stairs at the music school in Frederiksberg, Copenhagen, Denmark where I taught. I had just heard my students' end-of-term concert. I got a sudden pain in my chest and a feeling of pressure on my chest, which I now recognise as angina pectoris. (I had had a similar experience two weeks before, but an ECG a couple of days later had failed to show anything abnormal.) I tried to walk home but the pain and pressure got worse. I wasn't far from the hospital but I didn't think I could walk there and looked around for a taxi. Instead, a bus came and I took that one or two stops to the hospital. At the hospital gate, two porters helped me and put me into a wheelchair. They ran with me to the emergency room. 

There the doctor found that I had ischemia and an abnormal ECG (ST depression, as far as I remember). I was given several doses of nitroglycerin spray, which gradually relieved the pain in my chest but gave me a terrible headache.

I was admitted to the cardiac ward. After initial checks and a repeat of my story I was left on my own for a while (I have no idea how long). Suddenly at the foot of my bed I saw and heard a children's choir singing absolutely beautifully. It then dawned on me that I knew all the children. They had been my violin pupils in London many years before. I had taught them (33 in all) when they were about 3-8 years old. I had always had my doubts about being a good enough violin teacher, but now I was "told" that my teaching had been good enough and that I had meant a lot to each of those children. I saw my teaching and my relationship with the children from their point of view, so to speak.

On the right of the choir there was a kind of counter that made a sound like a ratchet, the kind of ratchets people use to make a noise at British football matches. Every thought and action in my life was being examined at lightning speed and the amount of love in them was being measured. There was a column of green light on the right that grew higher and higher as the amount of love was counted and measured. My life was passing before my eyes at lightning speed. It became very clear that the only thing that mattered in life was how loving my thoughts and actions are. I knew this theoretically before, but now I really knew it.

I didn't get further in this life review than my life as a violin teacher in London (up to about the age of 27) because I was suddenly pulled out of this experience when a male nurse came and injected some medication into a vein in my left hand. 

The experience was both wonderful and unforgettable, and at the same time frightening. When I first saw the choir, I thought, "Oh no, I'm having a near-death experience." I was only 45 and felt too young to die. My father had died when he was about 43, so I was afraid I was going to suffer the same fate. (I had read about near-death experiences some years before, so I was familiar with the concept.)

I was given a lot of medication and a temporary diagnosis of Prinzmetal's angina. There was some doubt about the diagnosis. I had no hardening of the arteries. It wasn't until 2017 (nineteen years later) that a scan showed a right coronary artery anomaly - something that I had apparently been born with.

I never spoke about my experience for fear of ridicule. Not everyone shares my interest in spiritual matters. However, after hearing a lecture by Pim Van Lommel in Copenhagen in March 2018, I told him my story. He said immediately, "You haven't told anyone that before, have you?" He was right, of course.

At that time I was taking part in a heart rehabilitation group, so I plucked up courage (spurred on by Pim Van Lommel's accounts of many heart patients who had had NDEs) and told my story. The amazing thing was that out of the five patients in our group, four had had NDEs but none had mentioned them to anyone. It was a very moving and uplifting session - not least for the male cardiac nurse who ran it.

Spanish Man Pleads to Return, Is Given More Time, and Now Serves Others

On May 22, 2011, I will never forget it, at 1:45 pm I suffered a fainting fit while I was taking part in a course for policemen training to get their diplomas. I suffered a heart attack and apparently, according to what I was told, I remained unconscious for some time. But I didn’t experience that unconsciousness at all. On the contrary, I saw myself in a place that I didn’t know, which surprised me and radically changed the way I saw life.

I was diagnosed with a left bundle branch block (for people into the medicine field), a syncope and a sudden death, as it is called in sports medicine. It was due to stress, when the heart cannot cope with everything that is happening and suddenly stops. That’s what happened.

I found myself in a totally different environment, in which there was a lot of light. Nothing was visible except for a man that was next to me and whom I didn’t know at all. He was all the time with me, telling me to be calm, giving me strength, as if he wanted to demonstrate that in that place, I was going to be okay.

The truth is that during the time I was there and from his words and the conversation we had, I could verify that he was a real being, and I could touch and feel him. I could also feel myself in that place, I could touch myself. I was totally physical. However, he told me that the body that I had used didn’t belong to me any longer and also told me that I had already come home. He was repeatedly telling me that I was already at home and to remain calm, that at that moment I was going to start living. I asked thousands of questions, because I have always been a very earthly person, very analytical and tremendously skeptical, and I have always liked to confirm and corroborate everything. I was all the time trying to verify whether what he was telling me was absolutely real.

That’s what I experienced in the first place. It was as if I was talking to any person on earth, with a completely normal voice, although he transmitted something that really caught my attention and that I analysed deeply, and it was his very slow, calm, confident and relaxed tone of voice. He showed astonishing certainty in what he said and also emitted peace. It was something that most amazed me, as I had never found that, anywhere in all my life.

I saw some forms on the floor, and I wanted to go and see, but he didn’t allow me. However, in the middle of the conversation, I could get closer and saw silhouettes of people, among whom I could only distinguish one clearly enough, and it was me. I was in a horizontal position and some people were doing something to me. The man told me that it had been my body. In fact, that scene was completely real; it was what it was, absolutely real. But on the other hand, I didn’t feel really involved with that. I was seeing it from a second-person perspective and it had absolutely nothing to do with me, nothing at all, although he clearly affirmed that it was about what we call death and also that it had been my vehicle for moving into a plane and a shape on a planet like this, the earth.

I had no idea at all where I was, but with time I have found out that it was a kind of antechamber, because he led me to some curtains. I think I was in a totally different place. I saw the scene that I have just told you about very blurred and vague, as if it were far away, until it gradually faded and finally got out of my sight. I am totally convinced that I was in another place, oh yes.

Then, that person explained to me that my time on earth had finished and that I had to go back home in order to do a reprogramming of my own work. He led me to some type of balls that were hanging vertically. I could touch those balls, champagne colored, totally physical and very thick, like billiard balls forming a curtain. I was totally the same person to the extent that I remembered my wife, and I said that all that was happening didn’t make sense. He was telling me that I wouldn’t go back, but that my wife, being a good person, would stay back. I also said that it wasn’t fair that she wouldn’t get to know that I was okay, that I continued, etc. So, during this conversation, he decided to go through the curtain of balls in order to ask whether I might go back to tell my wife this information.

In that antechamber I could see a relative of my wife. Other relatives and I had taken part in his burial, putting him inside a hole, covering everything with soil, etc. So, I felt then really surprised, kind of like, “There is something happening here, something serious that I don’t like. I am either having an extremely lucid dream or this man is completely right and I am dead.” This latter option was then confirmed when I could see my grandfather who had passed away 20 years ago. This supposed a complete verification of the reality I was living. At that moment I surrendered and said, “OK, I need to see my wife to tell her that everything continues, that I am OK and there is nothing wrong.”

It is really interesting, the fact that all the people I met there were in their best moments. My grandfather had been for me like my father, someone with whom I lived and deeply loved, with whom I had shared very beautiful moments and whom I knew really well. My grandfather died at 77 years old. I use the word ‘die’ so people can understand me, because I don’t believe in death now. It is the greatest lie that has been told to us and with which we have been programmed. When my grandfather left this plane or died, he was 77 years old, very stooped and crouched, with a lot of bone problems; but on that plane he looked like a person 25 or 30 years old, very tall and active. He was holding some kind of papers; I couldn’t see them exactly as he was walking fast. I couldn’t talk to him but I knew it was him, which was confirmed by the man next to me. He was really in his best moment, something really incredible. You could recognise him because you recognise the essence perfectly well.

On that plane, I never needed to ask who was this or that person or what was happening. It was as if I belonged to everything. That surprised me a lot as I have always been very restless and have asked about everything, sometimes being a bit annoying if I wanted to get information, but at those moments I didn’t need to ask anything at all.

But I absolutely needed to tell my wife that I was OK. I know her pretty well and I knew she was going to suffer and have a bad time, as she is very fragile. I needed to tell her that everything was okay, that everything continues, that death doesn’t exist and that there was nothing wrong with me and that I would wait for her. But that was never allowed; it was completely denied. I was told that once I got there, my path finished and then I was going to start living: “You are at home and now it is when real life begins.”

I wondered a lot of things, kind of like, “If it is now when I am going to start to live, what have I been doing to the present day?” I got some answers from him, that all that we are experiencing is a dream, a programming that we have so that we can learn. He also explained to me a lot of other ideas that are really amazing and which didn’t fit me at all, as I have been a very earthly person, nothing to do with that world at all.

They explained the different planes to me by showing me a pack of sheets of paper and telling me that every one of those sheets was a different plane of existence, although they are so close and so much together that they seem to be in the same place and in the same space-time. So, they may interact, and that’s why some people sometimes say, “I have seen a ghost; l have seen my grandfather,” etc. At any particular moment one can have access to another vibration, as the dividing line is so subtle that you can have access and interact with all those planes.

After the conversation I had with that man, he decided to go and ask if I could return to reassure my wife, as I had been telling him that people should be reassured, that my wife and I both needed it. Today, I know that I showed a lot of ego, attachment, etc., but all that made him go and ask. It took him a lot; it was horrible.

In the meantime, I could see people coming from everywhere and, curiously, they would come in pairs. They went through those curtains in pairs but only one came back, which surprised me a great deal. All those people coming were very happy, as if they had won the lottery, and I didn’t understand all that. I thought, where are all these people going? It was as if they were going to the place they wanted to go, and, in fact, I didn’t have the need to ask who they were. Everybody looked at you and it seemed that they knew you, as if you belonged to their group.

During that time I tried to open that curtain to find out, and my hands moved but the curtains didn’t, so I couldn’t have access at any time. After some time, this man, who is now a good friend of mine, came back and told me, “Antonio, you are allowed to go back, but there is a condition, as the reason to go back always has to be bigger than what you would do here. You can tell your wife, with complete freedom, everything that you have experienced here, what has happened, and you are going to have there an exact period of time.” And he told me the day when I would have to go back home. I live with that information. I know the time when I am going to go back home.

He also told me that I would have to tell my story to the rest of the world and in the moment that I finished doing it, I would come back, and he would be here waiting for me to lead me back home. And that’s how it happened. I got really happy and thought, following my materialistic way of thinking, “If I go back, this man will never ever see me again.” You can imagine what I was thinking. He also told me that it was going to hurt a lot. I have lived with 6 hernias and many other things for many years, so I’ve never been afraid of pain and have a very high pain threshold, and so I said, “Great!” But I will tell you something, in all my life I have never felt so much pain.

I feel the pain when he tells me, “OK, you go back. I am with you, don’t worry. It’s going to be easy but it will hurt. Don’t worry, l am with you.” I remember then that it was a suffocating pain, I felt like I was choking. I perfectly remember that I grasped his hands, held them, and I told him, “Help me, for God’s sake; I am dying.” That was the word I told him, as I felt like I was dying. He reassured me, told me to be calm, that nothing was wrong, and then I suddenly opened my eyes and found that someone was hitting my chest on top of me. I could see that I had come back to that reality of my mates from the tatami world, the training work that I had been doing when everything happened. Returning here was tremendously frustrating and painful, actually the worst of all the experiences.

I have written a couple of books and in my first book I speak about this person who was what many people know as our guide master, but I call H, because I never got to know his name and I had to call him something. The name H came to my mind and so I decided to provisionally call him H. I am not going to confirm to you who he was during my experience but I will tell you that everyone of us has a guide, a being who is permanently with us, and he is the one who is with us at the moment of coming here, in order to guide and impulse us into the experience we have to live. Of course these guides exist. We don’t thank them and they go unnoticed but, for example, currently my house is like a hostel. Since that day, I see them constantly, on the street, etc. I can also see the day when every person has to go home as well as see his or her guides and surrounding people, so as to be able to interact with them.

I experienced things that in the past I would have considered inconceivable. Until that moment, not only inconceivable but false, improbable or just lies. Today, I can happily say that all this is true, and note that all this is far more real than what we experience here. When I am asked, “Well, but how do you see those people and places?” I say, “Well, much more real than what I am seeing now. They are more real than you, more real than everything I experience, they are more physical than the people I can touch here.” Transmitting it with words is very difficult, but the senses of touch and sight are so clear and perfect that there is no kind of fluctuation or interference, absolutely nothing that may block the complete vision of things.

My life has radically changed. Nowadays, I have no expectations at all. I don’t search for anything at all. I go to the street without knowing where to go and what to do. I don’t judge anyone and I know that everybody has an extremely important essence that they can’t even sense, and I know that they have someone by their side who is teaching and instructing them, step by step, so they can get back home. I have taken away 5 basic things that I mention in my talks. Those are judgement, attachment, expectations, ego and fear. The first two years, as everything happened so fast, I felt something missing. People say, “Those are beautiful changes,” but I was for two years asking psychiatrists and friends that could corroborate that I had a very serious damage in my brain that nobody could see. But after those two years I could verify that it was the other way round, although I am still being medically checked, as I only had a 22 percent of cardiac viability, which is something incompatible with being alive, and was terminally ill, waiting for a transplant in a room for more than a month. You can’t imagine! No one gave a dime for my chances until someone bet on me and operated on me with little prospect of success.

I was really amazed, because I had always thought of those things as surreal and impossible to conceive of. The first time, there was a man 100 metres away from my wife’s shop, an herbal shop. He asked me for a place, and I started to give him directions as we all do, gesticulating with my hands, kind of, “You see that wall, turn right, go here and there.” I see my wife at her shop’s door shouting my name: “Antonio, Antonio!” and I answer, “Hold on just a minute, Mari Luz,” and I continue to explain. Then, the man says goodbye, thanks me and goes away. I say to my wife: “Be patient, this man was asking me, he was very kind and I had to explain to him....” And she answers: “What man? You were playing the fool alone in the street.” That was the first time that I contacted someone of that kind, and I started to consider that something important was happening in my mind. From that moment onwards I have contacted those kinds of people thousands of times and I keep doing it practically every day. I don’t think I have any capacities. I think we all have innately in our essence all those types of capacities, not yet developed or just underdeveloped. In my case, their existence was due to what had happened to me.

I can see the day when people next to me are going to go back home. With an embrace, I have been able to see part of their lives. I saw things that I told people, and then those things happened exactly as I had said. Those were the first things that I felt.

I see future information a lot, practically every day. I revealed it to three persons in all my life, and then to prevent people from overwhelming me and insisting on me telling them, I decided not to tell it to anyone else. With one person, my sister, I almost broke our friendship just because I told her that she was going to have a very long life and become an old lady, but she doesn’t like this life, she doesn’t believe in the human being. With a close friend, now deceased, he had to reconsider his whole life. So, I decided that I wouldn’t tell the exact day to anyone else. However, I can see things that may happen in others’ lives and so I can tell people things that they might do, giving them some guidance so that they do what they have to do at that moment, as maybe they don’t know the time they have left to accomplish it. I tell this information very clearly.

Is there a possibility to modify that future in the short, medium or long-term? We actually have a specific moment to start life, that’s for all of us, and a specific moment of departure, also for all of us. And what we call free will is not exactly so, as it is embedded in a programming of experiences and works that we have to experience. But I have learnt that we are co-creators of our own lives, so we can lengthen, put off, bring closer or move away some experiences that we compulsorily have to live. Not the experiences that we choose, but those ones that we compulsorily have to live. So, it’s true that they are modifiable. I have verified that by doing a really thorough work, you can modify some kinds of experiences.

How painful it is for a very young child, not even a teenager, to pass away! A lot of people call me, I receive thousands of calls and you can’t imagine the number of emails. The questions are always the same... In my family it has also happened. I am convinced that every one of us has a life plan, a structure, no matter how painful it seems to us. We do have a programme through which we have to go in order to evolve and progress and be able to become the essence of what we are.

There are beings who we think are very young, and they are really very old souls that have everything done or accomplished, and they are just coming to experience something specific. For us it is hard and difficult, but note that we live with five senses, which are very good, but sometimes we use them along with those other five factors: judgement, attachment, ego, expectations and fear. Fear, for example, paralyses us.

Judging things and events... I have learnt that in my life many things happen... a month ago my mother-in-law passed away. I could tell it to my wife a month and a half before it happened and so we could live together really happily for that month and a half. We could witness her decease, how she got up and many other amazing things for which I feel grateful. At the moment of her passing, we saw a kind of shadow or halo that left her body and stood up. I got really surprised for seeing that in someone so close, because although I knew that everything continues, if you see it in someone that you deeply love, that experience becomes fantastic and amazing. That person, after standing up, was looking and observing everywhere, kind of wondering, “What has happened, where am I?” as if she wasn’t understanding anything. That experience was wonderful, marvelous.

Going back to what we were talking about, we all have our structure of work and we will repeat the things we have left to do and won’t repeat those others already accomplished. That’s why some people die at an old age and others very young. I had a cousin that passed away as an infant and today I know that it had to be that way for some reason that I don’t know but that I don’t even have to understand. If I get my mind into, “I have to understand this,” that’s when suffering comes in. But on the other hand, we are born searchers who need answers, not just leaving it to chance. I keep daily looking for answers which, by the way, still surprise me, but I am certain that we have a structure and a life programme that we have to accomplish, that’s true.

Not only is death a lie. I would label it with so many adjectives... an absurdity, something irrational and unthinkable. Nowadays, I perfectly know that it is false and a lie. I had never read anything before as I wasn’t devoted to any of these things. On the contrary, I was more into science. I loved history, physics and chemistry, and I had nothing to do with these spiritual things. But now I can say that they are so real..., but we sometimes deny the undeniable. Hundreds and hundreds of people into neuroscience, medicine, etc. contact me to tell me that they see such incredible things, and they ask me to explain to them what they are seeing, because they are scared. These things are already commonplace.

I don’t really know what I have. I only know that a lot of things happen to me, I can do and see things that would be unthinkable or unlikely in the past. Now I have a completely different way of life. My wife always says: “Don’t test Antonio, because he pushes things to the limit.” It’s true! I take the fact of not having fears, expectations and judgements to the extreme. And some people say: “And could that attitude be irresponsible?” No! The other way around. It has created in me a tremendous responsibility towards what I experience, because I know that I absolutely have to make the most of my life in order to obtain the lesson that I need.

I even do this with my 12-year-old daughter. We stop at the pedestrian crossings and I tell her: “Look, do you see that in red? We are not going to spoil the day to these people in their cars, so let’s wait for it to turn green because if they knock us down, they are going to have a bad day, there will be problems, etc.” All that I have experienced has created in me a responsibility that I live fully, and I enjoy every moment, I assure you, as if it were the last one in my life. I think that if everybody did that and didn’t look further ahead, they would have a long, fruitful, happy and marvelous life.

Why get into strange affairs about judging others? That is living others’ lives, and I have learnt through my experience that I have to live and share my own life, so others can see how you live in case it is useful for them. I steal, as I say, fears, expectations, uncertainties..., and then everyone continues with their lives. And this is all about the best way of enjoying what we have to live. Death is a sure thing in life and do you think it can be bad? No! Everything that life brings is beautiful, so that can’t be bad either.

There are some things that have gradually developed and which I check to make sure that they are real. Now we are helping many, many people in the transition moment, helping them to open up so they can even contact beings that are already on the other side. I’ve seen that that capacity, which is not exactly a capacity as it is something innate in every human and which has developed in me for some reason, can make some people open to some perceptions, which if they develop them, they can get to see persons from the other side and receive a lot of information. In fact, a friend from Madrid who worked with Reiki (I don’t know what Reiki is; I just know that they impose hands), told me that she sensed them, etc. But now she writes to me every day saying that she is amazed because she sees this or that being, etc. However, I keep asking her: “Is it real? Do you see them clearly?” and she says, “Yes, Antonio, it is the same that you explain and do,” etc.

I am no longer in the skeptical questioning habit but I keep analysing and corroborating everything. I have formed a team with people that have altruistically wanted to join efforts, well, a group of friends that follow what I do, rather than a team. We help people, trying to give them energy if they have maybe lost it, we reassure and give strength to people who are suffering very serious diseases, and we especially help in the communication with beings that have departed, something that we do every day.

The first thing you see in the dying person is that he or she has lost the enthusiasm, the motivation. He says, “I don’t have anything else to look for or find,” despite all the things I believe that we can look for and find here! He doesn’t care about practically anything, and you see him so spiritless that you get the impression that he doesn’t want to know or care about anything. He finds no value in anything and, above all, at this stage, people don’t love or esteem themselves, which is fundamental. (To love ourselves such as we are is the most important thing that we’ve been given, as we are in a vehicle which is not ours but borrowed, and we have to care for it because we have to return it. We are not all taking care of it. Mine is wrecked because of stress.) But then something happens that makes me know for sure that the process is happening, and it is because the person who is by his side, that ‘invisible’ being for many, tells me about it. I have the possibility of interacting with these beings and then I always ask and they tell me. The energy that surrounds the person is totally dim. It is very noticeable that that person is not going to continue. And the guide by his side always tells me a date, a moment. And I have learnt that when these people speak (I call them people because it is what they are, they are persons, beings), they are never wrong. We can all be mistaken, because we are all in a plane where we can easily be wrong, although it is good and legitimate; but these people are never wrong. For seven years, every time they have told me about that, it has always happened, there hasn’t been any mistake.

In fact, in a course in Madrid with a very good friend of mine, with nearly 800 people, where I could participate as a lecturer for some minutes, there was a person that had touched me because he knew me and, at that moment, I saw that he was not going to leave the course. I shared this with some people. And so it was, he didn’t leave. But I am going to reassure you a bit, as you wondered before whether it is modifiable or not. When that person fell to the floor, many people rushed to help that person; they were already cautious for what I had said and they were sitting next to him, some of them doctors. They were doing so many things on him, that his immediate transition was modified and an ambulance could take him to hospital and on the following day he was back to the course, amazing as it seems.

Why are we constantly into fear when fear doesn’t really exist? Well, it’s very simple. I am absolutely convinced that there are a lot of interests around that. We are not going to get deeply into that because we would have to talk about so many things! But from ancient times there has been an intention to control us through many different ways for something’s or someone’s interest. Along history, we have been programmed, especially to feel mistrust. “Don’t trust, be careful, this or that can be dangerous...” And in our way of life a programme was installed so as not to allow the human being to release what he really is, his true essence, and to make him stay into fear so as to be controlled. But I also know that there is a kind of dark side in this world who also has an interest into that. For me, the person, Jesus of Nazareth, in whom I used to believe only in his historical aspect, as I have never conceived the history of humankind without the presence of Jesus of Nazareth. But today I know that He is something completely different. For me He is not just a symbol but a flag to follow. Remember that He once said that we could do greater things than He did. So, why not reassume our true essence? Why not connect with our true master? Why search for God outside ourselves? Why search for masters outside ourselves? Why follow others if all the people who are doing the same as I do are just reminding others, even though the world thinks that we ourselves have forgotten how long ago?

According to my experience, there is nobody or nothing that may hurt you or hurt us. In my talks I usually say, “In the mornings or at night I sit on a chair and say, ‘Good morning, Antonio, how are you?’ Then I change to the other side and say, ‘Well, I am feeling pretty well, and you?’ I change again and say, ‘Today I feel like ruining your day.’ I change and say, ‘Why? Can’t we reach an agreement?’ Finally, I reach an agreement with myself. Why? Very simple. I am reaching an agreement with the only person that can truly hurt me and ruin my day. And with that agreement, everything is going to work well.

Young child dies from pills, meets a being, and returns to feel trapped

When I was 3, I ingested 30 Seconals that had been prescribed for my mom during her divorce. Our housekeeper, Lula, came to wake me from my daily nap, and found that I had vomited pink liquid all over my pillow and could not be woken. I was taken to Baptist Hospital, a few miles from where we lived in Knoxville, TN. There, they pumped my stomach, but could not paddle shock or adrenalize me because of my age. My heart had stopped before we left my home. Some ER physician finally thought to cut down my ankles and mainline me with pure caffeine. It took a number of hours, however, for that to revive me.

In the interim, I was suddenly in a very white light place. All that was there was a very large being with long white caftan-like clothing, with a gold sash around the waist. There was a seat that looked like a wide bench, not throne, that was gold also. I felt that I was standing, looking at this being suddenly. I was very happy to be there - elated. There was an immediate pronouncement by this being (who was immensely kind) that I could not stay where I was and would have to go back to live out my life on the other side. I was enormously upset by this. I argued my case, tried to bargain, begged, any and everything I could do - but the answer was the same - you must return to live out your life.

This being seemed larger than a human man, had white hair and larger eyes than humans have. The eyes were animated in a very strange way - like grandfather clock eyes on Captain Kangaroo's shows. He was sitting on the bench when I first arrived, but then stood to talk with me. He emanated a love that I find impossible to describe in words. I felt that I had to be with him. My sense of time wasn't there. I don't remember going there or coming back.

But when I was at home again, I didn't want to be there. We had woods in back of our house. Every day for months I would take my collie dog, Brutus, into the woods with me and, lying down on the pine straw-covered forest bed, I would pray to God to take me back up into heaven and allow Brutus to come with me. This went on for months. I felt discontented to be where I was - sort of like being in jail or constrained. I felt a sort of depression.

Many years later, a psychic who was a friend of mine just blurted out that my sister had fed me pills when I was small, that had ended up killing me. That made perfect sense to me because Ann, my sister, had tried to kill me many times during my childhood. I had always wondered how I had gotten hold of my mother's prescription bottle of Seconals at age 3.

I have always felt confined in this life, like I need to get out of here. I can hardly wait to be reunited with heaven and God.

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