NDE Accounts

The void, my grandmother, and God change the way I see life

Nearly three years ago, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder called idiopathic anaphylaxis.  

Which is a fancy way of saying that I go into anaphylaxis and anaphylactic shock without being seriously allergic to anything.  It's sort of a glitch in my immune system.  

This condition has caused me to be critically ill on numerous occasions.  During three episodes of anaphylactic shock in 2014, I felt my spirit leave my body and subsequently had three near-death experiences, each a continuation of the one before.  Thank you for allowing me to share this experience with you.  My story begins as I lie in a coma, on a ventilator, in the intensive care unit. 

I feel oddly light, and find myself in the backseat of a vehicle. My longtime friend is driving.  I notice it's pouring rain, she's wearing mismatched clothes, and is pulled over beneath a canopy at a gas station.  She's looking at her phone and I peer over her shoulder to see what she is writing.  I see her type, "Hang on kiddo, I'm coming," and post it to Facebook.  I'm then sucked back into darkness.

My mind begins to wake, pushing me up from what feels like deep sleep, into full consciousness.  Opening my eyes, I see total blackness, and perceive that what lies before, behind, above and beneath me is a deep and endless void, through which I am unable to navigate.  A crushing sensation pushes around and against me, though when I move my arms, there's nothing physical touching me.  Where is this terrible pressure coming from? I wonder.  The oppressive environment wrings my existence like a wet rag, making each breath a tremendous effort.  Every muscle drags air into my lungs, then squeezes it back out.  I feel as though a very negative, heavy spiritual energy is all around me. 

I'm alone in this place, as though no one else has ever existed, and I wonder if I've been in this soul-oppressing purgatory all along.  Maybe I'd dreamed it all, my life and family...the world?  Could that have been a place and time I'd created in my mind to provide some relief from this darkness?  It was too terrible to consider.  Exhausted, I feel the deep sleep encroaching, and beg her to swallow me into her gut and keep me there, that I would never know this awful place again. She hears my pleas and quiets my conscious mind into the blackness, mercifully rendering me completely unaware.

The reprieve from the void seems short as I awaken again to this dreaded place; aching for even a sliver of light, anything to help me figure out where I am.  It's not hell, of that I'm certain, but knowing that doesn't diminish my hopelessness.  How long have I tarried in this unending abyss?  Every moment here is a second and an eternity all at once.  If the life I remember was real, and I'm ever able to return, I'll live differently.  I'll embrace my days with passion and joy; not just let them slip by, as though each one wasn't a gift.  

Each time I emerge from the sleeping quicksand, I ask the same questions.  Where am I, and why am I here?  Where has everyone gone?  I puzzle, searching my mind, trying to make sense of my state.  Maybe I should try to move...but how, and where?  I struggle to make some forward motion, each vacillation a tremendous effort, as though I'm trying to move through thickening concrete.  It feels like invisible forces are holding me in place.  The work is so draining and so taxing that the deep sleep, in her compassion, takes me in her arms and gives me rest.

Finally, after what seems an eternity, something changes.  I've moved through the void, and now find myself on one side of what seems like a barrier.  Sensing that I'm floating, I near the divider and peer through.  There, in a hospital bed, lies my physical body.  How can I be there and here at the same time? The wall doesn't yield to me, but as I approach it, the scene on the other side becomes clearer.  My body is hooked to wires and tubes.  

Ah, I must be sick!  The realization gives me hope...It wasn't a fantasy. I hadn't been dreaming it all!  Squinting my eyes, I see my daughter standing beside my bed.  To the right, a ventilator pumps and churns behind her.  What's wrong with me? Why am I in ICU?  

My adult child stands at her post in front of the life-sustaining machine, and a longing so deep and profound fills me.  I need to touch her, to take her in my arms and make all of this go away.  I feel and hear her thoughts and know that, despite her outward show of strength, she is frightened and worried.  Instinctively, my hands reach for her, but are stopped by the cruel wall.  I pound it with my fists, but it defies me, refusing to yield.  What's going on?  Why am I stuck in this place, outside my physical body, and why can't I get back into it?  Then it occurs to me.  I know what to do!  My mind whirls with hope for the first time.  I must try to wake my body!  It was so simple; why hadn't I thought of it sooner?

Focusing all my energy on the me in the bed, I try to wake her, to will her eyes open... nothing, she lays there motionless, ignoring my efforts.  Come on!  Why isn't this working?  Perhaps I need to start smaller, get her to move her finger.  I focus my energy on her hand...Come on Penny, just a little twitch, you can do it!  Damn!  Still nothing.  Why is this so difficult? Trying over and over yields no result; each desperate attempt lands flat against the stubborn wall.

All at once, my spirit is sucked backward with great force, as though all the winds of earth are pulling me away from the hospital room, away from my earthly body that lies like a stone only inches from my daughter.  Thrashing and fighting to stay in the room proves useless; my struggle against the invisible vacuum is wasted effort.  I'm sucked back...back...back into the heartless, dispassionate void.

Time passes unmarked.  How long have I been here?  A day?  A week?  The void shows no mercy as it holds me in its grip.  I shut my eyes tightly, open them, and find myself again near the membrane between the void and the hospital room. The relief of being close to the physical world is profound.  This time it's different though.  The wall is pulsing, as if it's breathing.  Moving closer, I pop through the airy wall and float over my physical body.  She is motionless, attached to monitors and the ventilator, her body showing no more life than the blankets that cover it.

After only a few seconds, the scene in the hospital grows dim, and I'm forcefully sucked back into the darkness.  The void feels heavier; the pressure on my chest makes it difficult to get air into my lungs.  I remember I don't need to breathe; the ventilator is doing that.  Still, something is pushing me to inhale and exhale, to reconnect my spirit with the me that lies in the hospital.  The effort is exhausting, like trying to swim with cement blocks tied to my limbs.  Pressing forward, I struggle to find the membrane.  Why can't I go back to the life I remember?  Watching my physical body from my helpless station in the upper corner isn't enough.  I want to either wake up in my body, or stay in the deep sleep, never to know the void again.  How long must this cycle continue?

Lamenting my situation, and aching for another chance at life, it dawns on me that the void is a place of my own making.  A representation of my apathy; a symbol of the wall I'd spent a lifetime building.  Its bricks were ones I'd stacked to keep people out and my feelings in.  A barrier of my own construction, built brick-upon-brick with each hurt I'd suffered.  My efforts to protect myself had made me less...less real, less vulnerable, less joyful, as impenetrable as the coma I lay in.  My physical self in the ICU had no idea how close she was to losing it all.

When I finally realized, the void was a prison of my own design, it split open with a thunderous BOOM!  A bright light shone before me.  The darkness was still there, but now it was behind and beneath me, being pushed back and down by the brilliant light.  I was being pulled, drawn, as if by a powerful magnet, into the arms of a glorious spirit.  Am I finally being rescued from this terrible place?  Oh, let it be so!

The spirit, bold and adorned in light, held me tightly to her breast.  I feel her energy swirling around me, like a great funnel cloud, holding me effortlessly in the middle.  Pulling me in closer with one arm, she thrusts out her other arm, her fist whooshes past me toward the darkness, and lands a blow on the soulless place.  The void explodes and the fragments fly around us, trying to enter her whirlwind of energy but unable to penetrate it.  Her light shines brighter as the shards collide with it, the radiant glow repelling them, sending them to a place I'm glad I know nothing of.  The sickening pressure that I'd felt trickles off me like dew from a blade of grass; each droplet makes me lighter as it's consumed by the glorious rescuing spirit.

Looking up, I see the face of my champion; her features, soft and feminine, her eyes a brilliant green, returning my gaze and knowing me completely.  Our spirits unite, like two rivers meeting and converging to the sea. 

She's familiar to me, but when I try to recall how I know her, it falls away like a dream that hides in the curves of your brain, playfully evading discovery.  I press further, consumed with a deep need to remember how this spirit is known to me.  My eyes draw upward, to her hair...her brilliant red hair, like nothing I've seen before.  To call it red is to describe it with a pitifully inept word, akin to calling the sun a flicker of light.

Her hair is like fire on her head.  It has an energy that defines her, powerful and bold and...in an instant, I remember her. My maternal grandmother!  Tears spring to my eyes, and my heart leaps in my chest.  She was an amazing woman in life and clearly, that same spirit followed her to the place where she found me.  Laughing and crying, my tears came in torrents, purging me of the grief of her loss that I wasn't aware I still harbored.  She hadn't died!  No, she's more alive here than she was in her body.  The realization took my breath.

Her gaze, soft and sweet, relaxed me completely and I melted into her arms.  For the first time in a long time, I felt safe.  Ahh, safe!  When had I last felt untouchable by harm?  What a balm to my soul.  Resting in her embrace, I allow my resonance to merge with hers, our energies entwining and encircling us; yet somehow, each spirit still identifiable as its own.  How is it possible to feel such unity and still feel the uniqueness of all that's me?  Her energy doesn't consume or diminish mine.  In fact, as our forces dance around us, I can feel my energy, my wholeness, growing into something so powerful and profound that it escapes earthly definition.  

Finally, she speaks to me, but not as we speak here, on the earthly plain.  There's no sound, yet it is audible, there are words, but they don't move from her lips to my ears...she speaks them with her spirit, directly into mine.  "Calm yourself, Dear One."  My spirit embraces her instruction.

The energy in her words is digested, each syllable carrying the intended effect.  I feel calm and fluid. The words "dear one" are broken down to their smallest components, yet not fractured or destroyed.  They retain their full meaning in each tiny piece and course through me like blood through my veins.  I feel the words, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  In that moment, I know her and feel her words loving me, showing me that I truly am dear to her.  It infuses me and makes me...more.  Finally, I can see who I really am, and it's clear that I'm much more than I ever believed I could be.

I understand in a deep way that is new to me.  On a cellular level, I feel and know what it means to be dear to someone.  Understanding this in such completeness overwhelms me and I weep in her arms.  I weep for pain and sorrow and joy.  I weep for all the suffering I'd known in life and all the suffering I'd seen and felt unable to change.  I weep for the wall I'd built, the isolation I'd willfully imposed on myself, when I was in my body.  I weep for those in the earthly realm, those who are without hope and believe that there's nothing but what they call the here and now.  My heart dissolves in despair.  What if they'd been right, and the void had been my eternal existence?  Lying forever in a state of... nothingness?  I cry out, trembling at the thought of being consumed by the deep sleep that I'd once considered a reprieve.  "Shhh, Dear One, all is well."  Her words pull me back from the awful memory of the deserted place that had, until recently, been my holding cell.

A question comes to mind as I rest in her arms, and I move to ask her, to speak the words, but as soon as the thought forms, the answer appears, from her consciousness to mine.  "You are not dead, there is no death, except that the body becomes useless and is cast away.  You are either alive in the body...in the earthly realm, or super-alive here...or a mixture of the two as you are now; part of you there, and part of you here on the side of the spirits.  Your body lies near death in the hospital, and your spirit has left it, but not completely.  A sort of...cord, binds you to it still.  If it did not, you would be fully here."

Another question springs to mind, and as before, it is answered without my having to speak.  "Your consciousness exists outside your body.  It's not contained or housed in the brain.  It's eternal and cannot be held inside anything.  It exists whether your physical body does or not.  You can access it with your brain, but it isn't kept there like some sort of component.  Consciousness endures despite the body.  You've heard it said, Dear one, that energy isn't created or destroyed, it simply changes forms.  It's true on the earth plane and it's true here.  It is law."

My consciousness is eternal?  Not dictated by whether my body is alive or dead?  I'd never imagined such a thing.  I thought that when I died, I would still have some sort of physical structure that defined me.  It's difficult to comprehend that my body isn't me.  The information courses through me, billowing into fullness, and I realize that this...the way I am here...this is more real, more true, more accurately me, than the person being kept alive, in a hospital, on the other side.

Finally, I understand who I'm meant to be.  I ponder the complexity and simplicity of it so deeply that I don't realize my grandmother has gone, leaving me floating alone in the bright white light.  

An all-powerful energy shook me from my thoughts, and my internal dialogue stopped.  It was strikingly foreign to have my mental voice stilled, and all musings sent away.  My brain quit thinking and ceased its usual busywork.  In that moment, I knew who I was with.  Two words formed in my mind...


I was with the Spirit of God, and I knew Him.  I knew Him in a sense that was physical, spiritual, and mental.  He held no form; there was no embodiment, for what could hold Him?  What could contain the eternal?

The white light of His penetrating energy was unstoppable.  It couldn't be dimmed.  It touched me and went deeper still, beneath my physical self, of whom only a perception remained.  His vast, white presence, soaked into every part of me, diving deep into my core and stealing my breath, of which I had no need, because I was filled with His light.  I lay myself bare to this energy, letting it fill every empty place inside me.  It took up all those spaces without diminishing me in any way, for the white energy of God does not take from us, it only gives...filling us to overflowing.

His radiant light moved with powerful intent toward all parts of me, surrounding and infusing every cell, filling my body with intense warmth and vibration that was an indescribable joy to my ears, my skin, and my spirit.  I remained intact, retaining what was of benefit to me; while that which wasn't of benefit seemed to never have been.  I was unable to recall the pain, hurt and shame that were once my close companions, and I had no desire to try to bring them forth to my memory.

I saw my life before me, as though watching a movie.  I saw people I'd loved, and people my love had affected, without my knowing it.  The ripple effects of the good I'd done in my life played out on the screen and filled me with joy.  Seeing all the deeds done by others, because of love I'd shown them, made me weep with joy.  I had no idea such small acts resulted in such profound expressions and manifestations of love.  God allowed me to linger and watch the scenes over and over again.

My focus was pulled back to the bright white light.  It permeated me to my tiniest cell, wrapping me and filling me.  I relaxed my head back, not wanting to feel burdened by the weight of it, and at that moment, the white light moved into my neck, with such warmth, that it caused me to curl myself inward to experience it even more.

From my neck, it moved up through my jaw and into my mouth, lighting my tongue with the most pleasing of melodies.  I wanted to keep my eyes closed, to try and contain the light so it couldn't escape, but that was in folly.  My eyelids couldn't contain the power of the Creator.  It shined straight through them to the outside, reflecting off the light that surrounded me and raced back in.  

The white energy warmed my face and poured into my head, buzzing around my brain, lighting it with tingling sensations and creating a sense of floating and weightlessness.  Then, the light proceeded to enter each curve of my brain, flowing through as though traveling an expansive winding river, sparking to life previously unused parts of my intellect and creating within me a knowing which made all things clear.

Situations that I'd found torment over, in the earthly realm, were brought to my memory.  The dread and sadness that held me captive to the pain of those transgressions was vanquished.  Each truth became peaceful and clear in my mind.  No words were spoken, no explanations given, to erase the hurts and disappointments, just this deep internal understanding that the reality of those matters had not been what I believed it to be.  

I'd tried for so long to fit those trials into some sort of framework, to help me understand them.  I didn't know that the truth wouldn't come through my beliefs or ideas, but through the powerful energy of God that filled me on this side, the side of the spirits.  The weight of each of those pains left me, replaced by His peace, like a tender hug from father to child, assuring all is well.

I surrendered myself completely to God.  He held my entire existence.  His light flooded out of me, exuding from my bones, pouring out from each strand of hair, even my eyelashes were aglow and tingling with His light and love.

God was drawing me back to His core, where I had belonged all along.  I allowed myself to move closer and closer to His center.  Then suddenly, it was no longer external, it was internal!  The bright light's source dwelling at the deepest part of my being.  God's spirit living inside me, residing in my heart, my spirit, my soul!  For the first time, I understood that God was vast and personal, and at my invitation long ago, had taken up residence in my spirit.  I felt as though I might burst with joy, and explode into light, the rays from the blast reaching the farthest expanses of the universe.  I dove into the light, wanting never to return to the earthly realm.

Then suddenly I was stopped.  I knew that I couldn't continue this path...not yet.  I longed to stay, to make it to the spark of my existence, but it was not to be.  The light grew dim and distant and I became fretful, crying out to God, "Please! Grant me at least the memory of this!  I feel I will lose all hope if I cannot at least have that."

I woke in my hospital bed...the memory of my time on the other side held deeply within.

I've experienced significant changes since my NDE and now see life in a whole new way.  The most important lesson learned since my experience, the message I need to share with the world, is that we are all connected.  Life, at least in western culture, teaches us to be independent.  From the moment we draw our first breath, we are cast into a society of separatism.  We buld fences and walls, both literally and figuratively, to keep others out.  As we grow into adulthood, those separations become battlefields, further dividing us...even from the God who created us.

This independence is confusing and contrary to what our spirits need and desire.  It engages us in a lifelong struggle with our very essence, and becomes the source of all conflict.  If we, as children of God, are ever to make a real difference, we must first come to the understanding that we are linked to each other by our Creator.  I am connected in spirit with the criminal, the beggar, the infirm.  It is by recognizing this truth that I realize I too could have gone the way of the thief, the impoverished or the afflicted.

I came back from my NDE with a truer understanding of the strength and power endowed in each by our Creator.  We need not sit idly by, staring up at the sky, waiting for God to fix the problems here on earth.  He is right here with us! Equipping us with His love, so we can work together and get the job of caring for each other done.

This knowledge has given me a sense of peace.  Worry no longer makes sense, as I know that all things work together for good, if we choose the love of God.  I'm slower to anger and not as easily hurt.  Why should I be angry or hurt?  When someone wrongs me, I feel compassion; understanding that I once lived a life consumed with self, and in that, hurt others.  I walk taller and my smile is finally genuine, not just a mask I wear.  I strive to remember God's love when I speak, and gauge my words, so that they don't bring pain to others.  

Thank you, God, for my time in the void and in the light.  I feel "real" now.  I'm sprinting toward love, and rejecting fear.  The walls have come crumbling down, and I stand upon the rubble...ready to fulfill God's great and glorious purpose in my life.

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GI almost dies, has painful life review and flies around the world

In April 1996 I was deployed to Thailand to support this annual military joint exercise named “Cobra Gold.”  If I would give a ‘guesstimate,’ I would say around 2,000 U.S. soldiers from all military branches were also deployed. Thailand was a beautiful place to live. The people were friendly, the food was delicious, and there was so much to explore.  Unfortunately, the country is a public health nightmare. There is an incredible amount of disease and germs in Thailand. It was so bad, the military’s Public Health Department prescribed everyone Doxycycline as a preventative medicine. I am not totally sure about how I got the H. pylori germ. It is a toss-up between the ice that was in my glass of soda or the “sampler plate” that had ten different types of meat. I am not a gambling man, but I would probably put $100 on the sampler plate, from which I accidently ate frog, snake and dog meat.  Let’s just say that dog meat tastes like a tough steak.

I started feeling the symptoms somewhere around the tail end of my deployment in June. I remembered asking my friend Pic, “Does my neck looks swollen to you?” to which he replied, “Hell yeah!” At first, I felt fatigued. The fatigue was so extreme that I drank Pepsi nearly all day, for the caffeine. This chronic fatigue lasted weeks, until I returned from Thailand, sometime in late June 1996.  

The symptoms got worse every week after I returned from Thailand.  I had stabbing pains in my stomach, a constant burning pain in my throat, and I would poop this strange orange jelly-like material. I know, too much information. I drank Maalox like coffee. I would carry the small Maalox bottle in my back pocket like a flask of liquor. I even sipped on it like Hennessey. Eventually, I started going to the military doctor every two weeks, for three months. He would give me the same spill, “Your body is fighting something.  Let’s wait a little longer to see what manifests.”  

Finally, he told me, “Look! The next time I see you, you’d better be in the emergency room!”

After hearing the same speech, I stopped going.  I guess his words finally got to me. Therefore, I waited for a huge symptom, like an alien to pop out of my stomach.

As time passed, my symptoms became more severe.  I started having some breathing issues, like wheezing and nasal flaring. I remember sitting in a college English classroom on the base, gasping for air. It felt like I was breathing through a straw. I looked at my other classmates to see if they were having breathing issues.  After class was over, I went home, laid on the bed and fell into a deep sleep.

The next day was October 25th, my “Happy Birthday Eve day,” since my birthday was the following day, on the 26th. I remember feeling fatigued and wheezing that day. I remember thinking, “Why am I focusing on inhaling and exhaling today?” I remember clutching my chest, due to breathing issues. I laid in bed and immediately passed out while clutching my chest.  Immediately after I lay down, I felt my body levitate from the bed. I did not think anything of it because my body still felt “heavy,” as if I still weighed 210 lbs.  As I reached the ceiling of the bedroom, my body flipped around to a birds-eye view. That’s when I saw my real motionless body on the bed, still clutching its chest. My spiritual body came back down from the ceiling and stood in front of the bed. The television was behind me on the dresser and the volume was very loud.  

“Am I really out of my body?”  “Let me analyze this TV.” I looked at the vents that were on the side of the TV.  I put my ear to both side speakers and stood again in front of the TV to hear the different sound levels. Since I was a straight O.G. Sinner who was drinking and partying, I was more fascinated with being in another dimension than seeing heavenly beings. Therefore, I applied my critical thinking and deductive reasoning skills to help draw a conclusion on whether or not this was real.

What I did know at that point was that I didn’t have any more pain.

After analyzing the TV, I looked up at the ceiling and was blown away!  The ceiling in the bedroom was completely gone. The ceiling was replaced with outer space, with small bright stars.  It was as if the entire universe was condensed to what looked like a star map on my ceiling! This outer space, it was so dark that it seemed to glow.    I had never seen any object so dark. The closest thing that I could compare it to is the top of a black oven/stove or a flat screen TV. The stars where tiny but bright, similar to white Christmas tree lights.  However, the darkness from this space overshadowed the lights. I stared at this for at least five minutes. I remember saying, “I must be in another dimension,” because at that point I realized that no elements from the Periodic Table mattered.

After gazing at the ceiling and analyzing my television, I turned completely around. That’s when I saw him! Standing at the corner of the room was an angel who was around 7 ½ feet tall. He didn’t shine or have a glow like I would have imagined, nor did he have wings. However, I knew he was an angel because of his height and because he wore a Greek-like white robe. He was a tall and slender elderly man with a neatly trimmed beard that was perfectly edged. I would say that he looked like the actor Christopher Lee when he played Count Dooku, minus the light saber.

Immediately after I saw him, I mumbled, “This ain’t gonna be pretty!” because I knew I was going straight to hell.  Afterwards, we had a long discussion, but our mouths did not move. We conversed telepathically. Even though I was in spiritual form, I had all of my five senses. While I was talking to him in front of the television, I kept thinking, “Man, this TV is loud!”  Another interesting fact is that you are still the same person, even in the spiritual world. Since I get easily distracted, or what I call my “squirrel events,” I kept looking at the ceiling while I was talking telepathically with the angel.  I even wanted to jump up and touch one of the stars, which I would have done in real life.

I cannot remember our conversation, but it had to do with me being on the wrong trajectory to Heaven. Around this time, I realized that this angel was more of a “guide.”  

After our conversation, I hovered over the house, far enough to see that my house didn’t have a roof!  It looked like a doll house or a house on a movie set. Only the side walls existed. I looked at my living room which was well lit. My wife was in the kitchen cooking. Six feet from her was another ball of light. That’s when I noticed that this wasn’t a ball of light, but another angel in the kitchen with my wife.

After hovering over my house, I remember flying through the air. If I had to guess the altitude, I would say I was at an altitude of about 50,000 feet!  I remember flying over the Pacific Ocean at night and how the waves had small reflections of light, similar to how the moon shines on the ocean. Boy, was I flying!  I felt afraid because I wasn’t in control of where I was going. It felt like my spirit was thrown across the ocean. I went from Guam to Los Angeles, 6000 miles, in probably 10 seconds. I also felt homesick because I knew that I was far away from my body. I thought, “I need to get back into my body and start living right!”

After I arrived in Los Angeles, that’s when my whole “dimensional” thinking became spiritual.  I finally accepted that I was either dead or near death. I remember being in a bright orange/yellowish room.   The light wasn’t super bright; however, it illuminated the entire room. I knew instantly that this wasn’t any ordinary light, but the presence of God in the room.  It was as if the light was alive.  

There was a glass pane across the room, which separated the dimension I was in and life on Earth.  Even to this day, it’s hard for me to discuss this event because I was being judged on my past and future actions. I was shown how powerful your words or actions are. If you called someone fat 20 years ago, when you are judged, you will see and feel the “behind the scenes” of how your words affected them throughout their life. My past words made someone depressed in the future, to the point that it changed their life’s “trajectory.”   

Just dwell on this. Think about all of the kids that you probably teased or bullied in elementary school. Think about later in their life, that you were the person responsible for that kid eventually abusing drugs or hurting him or herself. Sorry, I know this was dark and too much, but I wanted to illustrate how Judgment Day will be.  

After watching this judgment event, I felt horrible and ashamed.  I didn’t break down and cry, but I wanted to distance myself from that room and the “Light.”  I even said to it, “Just take me straight to Hell.”  Afterwards, feeling ashamed I went walking down this path, thinking that it would lead me to Hell. Halfway down that path, I turned around and mumbled, “. . . and all I wanted to see was my birthday,” which was the very next day.  Suddenly, I was thrown back over the Pacific Ocean and into my body. I wish I had a camera in my bedroom because it felt like my body bounced up off the bed.  When I woke up, I was disoriented. I didn’t know where I was. I assumed that I had been judged somewhere else.  Seconds later, my wife came in the room singing “Happy Birthday” and holding a cake. I looked at the clock and it was exactly 12:00 AM, October 26, 1996, my 26th birthday!

After about a day or so, I went back to the hospital.  God blessed me with another doctor, fresh out of medical school. I could tell he was a Second Lieutenant. He said, “Let me run some labs to see what’s in your blood.” That is when Helicobacter Pylori came back positive. He prescribed me Tagamet and around three months of antibiotics, and it took around that time to totally eradicate it.  

After my experience, I started attending church and reading the Bible.  Most of all, I transitioned into a loving being who loved everyone, regardless of their race or economic status.

Woman doing drugs leaves body, feels love and acceptance

I was able to get some free time away from home and went to visit one of my friends. When I arrived another friend of my friend was there also. They were smoking wax and asked if I wanted to smoke and so I took a hit. I’ve tried wax once before and experienced anxiety and really didn't care for it. After taking a hit, I sat back down and took a few sips from my beer. I started feeling hot and then my hearing started to close. I knew I was in trouble but didn't let anyone know. I knew my friends were talking but I couldn't hear them. I could see their mouths moving through my blurry vision which was getting worse with each second. All while keeping how I was feeling to myself because I didn't want to ruin their high.

As my energy is getting weaker, my friend looks at me and I said I don't feel good. My friend told me to go lay down on the bed. I remember thinking I'm not going to make it but didn't tell them that and so I stood up, went to step towards the room and that's all I remember doing in my physical body at that time. My friends later told me that I got up and fell straight back with my knees bent and legs underneath my body.

I knew I came out my body but didn't see myself come out. I was in the light. I was one with the light. Many faces were coming up to me very quickly and saying hi,hi,hi.......I knew I knew them but couldn't make out exactly who they were. The feeling of unconditional love and acceptance was felt; no judgment, only pure love. Then I heard and felt the words, “it's not time. You need to go back.” And I didn't want to leave; my spirit was fighting it. It felt like I was going down, but I feel it was just me feeling my spirit go back into my body. I could see my energy body going back into my physical body and then I'd get the urge of transcending up wanting to go back.

I kept telling my energy body, “you need to stay in your body, it's not time, you can't go back yet." So finally, it stayed and I came back crying and saying over and over I don't want to come back. My friends filled me in on what they saw and heard with me being out of my body and they looked like they saw a ghost. Lol!

Young mother has OOB and conversation with being during surgery

Even now almost 15 years later, hardly a day goes by that I don’t think about my experience of going to the other side during surgery. I’m frustrated and I have been searching for answers. 

I was devastated when my father passed away and grieved his death for at least two years. During this time, I started having thyroid problems and found out I had a follicular cell tumor. It was a struggle to get good medical care and I remember when I finally went to the hospital for the surgery, I was lying on the table and the last thing I remember seeing was my female doctor looking over my face. And I remember thinking that I was surprised to see her because it was Dr. Kaplan who is doing the surgery. I found out later she was shocked that I knew she was in the surgery room. I guess she was just watching or observing because she said I should’ve been completely out by the time she got into the surgery room. 

What I remember about leaving my body was that I found myself in this space that was enveloped with white soft light. I felt like it was a room but there were no walls or floor. There was this table and it had a chess game board set up on it. It seemed like a long banquet table. There was some being in my left periphery but it was like I couldn’t see who was there and I couldn’t move my head and I don’t remember that I even tried to move my head. I just knew it was not going to work looking at this beach but I could see out of my right eye. I remember arriving to this space heavy hearted and weary, feeling like I had just finished a long journey.

One of the most frustrating things is I can’t remember the full conversation. I know it was clear when I woke up on the gurney table but it faded and only certain parts stand out. I remember this being asking me about my young daughter who I loved with all my heart. This seems to be the beginning of the conversation because I felt like I didn’t want to go back. I felt like I had done enough and I could leave and I was being asked about my daughter.  I remember saying that she had a really good father and for some reason I felt that that would’ve been enough for her. She was closer to her dad than she was to me.

And from there I know other issues were discussed. But the part of the discussion that stood out in my mind was being told me there was going to be another baby but I didn’t associate that for myself. I thought that would be something in our family. I remember this discussion made me feel maternal and the kind of feelings of love for your child and at that point once those feelings were restored in me that’s when I was sent back.

The next thing I knew I was gasping for air and I sat up on the gurney table. I was in the recovery room and all the tubes and IVs and things had been taken out of me and my table was pushed up against the wall. I felt hot all over and tried to talk because I had to pee. Dr. Kaplan, who had done my surgery, was nearby and came running over. He was trying to get me a bed pan or something but I ended up peeing all over myself. This was very strange to just be pushed off on a table like that.

I was disorientated and I think I was talking about where I had just been, you know kind of like how somebody would say, oh I just came from that store over there and I was talking to someone. Dr. Kaplan was not interested. They got me moved into a regular hospital bed and room. My skin felt like it was burning. I remember it felt like every nerve in my body was shaking, like my spiritual being could not adjust to living in this frequency zone. I got out of bed and tried to splash water on my face and wipe water on my arms and legs because I just felt like I was on fire everywhere. I remember feeling like I was tricked into wanting to come back to this place like this being got me to think about a happy moment for a second which enabled my path back to my body but really, I was back in hell.

The doctor told me people don’t act like this after they have thyroid surgery and my female doctor sent me to talk to a therapist but luckily, I had a good therapist and we worked on some of the things that had surfaced from the stress of my surgery. I kept thinking that who I had talked to must’ve been a good being, but she said we don’t know that. Things were OK for a while but then they got much worse.

The anxiety experience was at a level I had never dreamed possible. I had to walk around in circles in my house just to wear myself out and try not to think. I had several visits from the other side; on some occasions I heard angelic music and I could feel a presence nearby that comforted me.

One of the most perplexing experiences was seeing letters spelled out to me while I was asleep or in some kind of sleeping state and letters were spelled out one at a time and it was the word Grayson. I don’t recall ever hearing or seeing this word before but ever since then I see that word quite frequently and I’ve always wondered what it meant. That’s why when I was looking on YouTube and I saw the near-death experience videos I went to this website. [Bruce Greyson was one of the founders of IANDS.]

Time moves forward and the husband that I thought I was married to was not the person that I thought he was. He was such an interesting and intuitive person and I thought very highly of him. He always knew things before they happened and I thought he had my best interest at heart and I thought he was a good father. He’s the kind of person that can hold a compass and it would spin in circles and he couldn’t wear a wrist watch because the watch would stop within a few hours; he just had this electrical essence about him. In 2007 my daughter Zoey was born and we seemed like a happy family.

In 2010 my husband started letting me in on more things that were happening I guess in his head. He told me that he communicates with this blue light and he called it blue dude and that’s the entity that gave him a lot of information and he always talked about how it all worked with this point system. He even Took pictures of me and my oldest daughter with lights around our head and a whole bunch of other pictures of lights that he was able to photograph. He said it’s how energies move around, that they are entities and they call it riding the light. I was very interested in all of this but it turned very dark.

There is so much I don’t understand I don’t understand why this happened to me what I’m supposed to be learning from it and what I’m supposed to be doing but I do know I feel like I’m failing miserably. There is so much injustice and horrible things have happened to my children. 

I wish so much I could get back to that space and sit back down at that table and give that being a piece of my mind because if I was sent back to do something I’m supposed to do, I’m going to need some more help.


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