NDE Accounts

The void, my grandmother, and God change the way I see life

Nearly three years ago, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder called idiopathic anaphylaxis.  

Which is a fancy way of saying that I go into anaphylaxis and anaphylactic shock without being seriously allergic to anything.  It's sort of a glitch in my immune system.  

This condition has caused me to be critically ill on numerous occasions.  During three episodes of anaphylactic shock in 2014, I felt my spirit leave my body and subsequently had three near-death experiences, each a continuation of the one before.  Thank you for allowing me to share this experience with you.  My story begins as I lie in a coma, on a ventilator, in the intensive care unit. 

I feel oddly light, and find myself in the backseat of a vehicle. My longtime friend is driving.  I notice it's pouring rain, she's wearing mismatched clothes, and is pulled over beneath a canopy at a gas station.  She's looking at her phone and I peer over her shoulder to see what she is writing.  I see her type, "Hang on kiddo, I'm coming," and post it to Facebook.  I'm then sucked back into darkness.

My mind begins to wake, pushing me up from what feels like deep sleep, into full consciousness.  Opening my eyes, I see total blackness, and perceive that what lies before, behind, above and beneath me is a deep and endless void, through which I am unable to navigate.  A crushing sensation pushes around and against me, though when I move my arms, there's nothing physical touching me.  Where is this terrible pressure coming from? I wonder.  The oppressive environment wrings my existence like a wet rag, making each breath a tremendous effort.  Every muscle drags air into my lungs, then squeezes it back out.  I feel as though a very negative, heavy spiritual energy is all around me. 

I'm alone in this place, as though no one else has ever existed, and I wonder if I've been in this soul-oppressing purgatory all along.  Maybe I'd dreamed it all, my life and family...the world?  Could that have been a place and time I'd created in my mind to provide some relief from this darkness?  It was too terrible to consider.  Exhausted, I feel the deep sleep encroaching, and beg her to swallow me into her gut and keep me there, that I would never know this awful place again. She hears my pleas and quiets my conscious mind into the blackness, mercifully rendering me completely unaware.

The reprieve from the void seems short as I awaken again to this dreaded place; aching for even a sliver of light, anything to help me figure out where I am.  It's not hell, of that I'm certain, but knowing that doesn't diminish my hopelessness.  How long have I tarried in this unending abyss?  Every moment here is a second and an eternity all at once.  If the life I remember was real, and I'm ever able to return, I'll live differently.  I'll embrace my days with passion and joy; not just let them slip by, as though each one wasn't a gift.  

Each time I emerge from the sleeping quicksand, I ask the same questions.  Where am I, and why am I here?  Where has everyone gone?  I puzzle, searching my mind, trying to make sense of my state.  Maybe I should try to move...but how, and where?  I struggle to make some forward motion, each vacillation a tremendous effort, as though I'm trying to move through thickening concrete.  It feels like invisible forces are holding me in place.  The work is so draining and so taxing that the deep sleep, in her compassion, takes me in her arms and gives me rest.

Finally, after what seems an eternity, something changes.  I've moved through the void, and now find myself on one side of what seems like a barrier.  Sensing that I'm floating, I near the divider and peer through.  There, in a hospital bed, lies my physical body.  How can I be there and here at the same time? The wall doesn't yield to me, but as I approach it, the scene on the other side becomes clearer.  My body is hooked to wires and tubes.  

Ah, I must be sick!  The realization gives me hope...It wasn't a fantasy. I hadn't been dreaming it all!  Squinting my eyes, I see my daughter standing beside my bed.  To the right, a ventilator pumps and churns behind her.  What's wrong with me? Why am I in ICU?  

My adult child stands at her post in front of the life-sustaining machine, and a longing so deep and profound fills me.  I need to touch her, to take her in my arms and make all of this go away.  I feel and hear her thoughts and know that, despite her outward show of strength, she is frightened and worried.  Instinctively, my hands reach for her, but are stopped by the cruel wall.  I pound it with my fists, but it defies me, refusing to yield.  What's going on?  Why am I stuck in this place, outside my physical body, and why can't I get back into it?  Then it occurs to me.  I know what to do!  My mind whirls with hope for the first time.  I must try to wake my body!  It was so simple; why hadn't I thought of it sooner?

Focusing all my energy on the me in the bed, I try to wake her, to will her eyes open... nothing, she lays there motionless, ignoring my efforts.  Come on!  Why isn't this working?  Perhaps I need to start smaller, get her to move her finger.  I focus my energy on her hand...Come on Penny, just a little twitch, you can do it!  Damn!  Still nothing.  Why is this so difficult? Trying over and over yields no result; each desperate attempt lands flat against the stubborn wall.

All at once, my spirit is sucked backward with great force, as though all the winds of earth are pulling me away from the hospital room, away from my earthly body that lies like a stone only inches from my daughter.  Thrashing and fighting to stay in the room proves useless; my struggle against the invisible vacuum is wasted effort.  I'm sucked back...back...back into the heartless, dispassionate void.

Time passes unmarked.  How long have I been here?  A day?  A week?  The void shows no mercy as it holds me in its grip.  I shut my eyes tightly, open them, and find myself again near the membrane between the void and the hospital room. The relief of being close to the physical world is profound.  This time it's different though.  The wall is pulsing, as if it's breathing.  Moving closer, I pop through the airy wall and float over my physical body.  She is motionless, attached to monitors and the ventilator, her body showing no more life than the blankets that cover it.

After only a few seconds, the scene in the hospital grows dim, and I'm forcefully sucked back into the darkness.  The void feels heavier; the pressure on my chest makes it difficult to get air into my lungs.  I remember I don't need to breathe; the ventilator is doing that.  Still, something is pushing me to inhale and exhale, to reconnect my spirit with the me that lies in the hospital.  The effort is exhausting, like trying to swim with cement blocks tied to my limbs.  Pressing forward, I struggle to find the membrane.  Why can't I go back to the life I remember?  Watching my physical body from my helpless station in the upper corner isn't enough.  I want to either wake up in my body, or stay in the deep sleep, never to know the void again.  How long must this cycle continue?

Lamenting my situation, and aching for another chance at life, it dawns on me that the void is a place of my own making.  A representation of my apathy; a symbol of the wall I'd spent a lifetime building.  Its bricks were ones I'd stacked to keep people out and my feelings in.  A barrier of my own construction, built brick-upon-brick with each hurt I'd suffered.  My efforts to protect myself had made me less...less real, less vulnerable, less joyful, as impenetrable as the coma I lay in.  My physical self in the ICU had no idea how close she was to losing it all.

When I finally realized, the void was a prison of my own design, it split open with a thunderous BOOM!  A bright light shone before me.  The darkness was still there, but now it was behind and beneath me, being pushed back and down by the brilliant light.  I was being pulled, drawn, as if by a powerful magnet, into the arms of a glorious spirit.  Am I finally being rescued from this terrible place?  Oh, let it be so!

The spirit, bold and adorned in light, held me tightly to her breast.  I feel her energy swirling around me, like a great funnel cloud, holding me effortlessly in the middle.  Pulling me in closer with one arm, she thrusts out her other arm, her fist whooshes past me toward the darkness, and lands a blow on the soulless place.  The void explodes and the fragments fly around us, trying to enter her whirlwind of energy but unable to penetrate it.  Her light shines brighter as the shards collide with it, the radiant glow repelling them, sending them to a place I'm glad I know nothing of.  The sickening pressure that I'd felt trickles off me like dew from a blade of grass; each droplet makes me lighter as it's consumed by the glorious rescuing spirit.

Looking up, I see the face of my champion; her features, soft and feminine, her eyes a brilliant green, returning my gaze and knowing me completely.  Our spirits unite, like two rivers meeting and converging to the sea. 

She's familiar to me, but when I try to recall how I know her, it falls away like a dream that hides in the curves of your brain, playfully evading discovery.  I press further, consumed with a deep need to remember how this spirit is known to me.  My eyes draw upward, to her hair...her brilliant red hair, like nothing I've seen before.  To call it red is to describe it with a pitifully inept word, akin to calling the sun a flicker of light.

Her hair is like fire on her head.  It has an energy that defines her, powerful and bold and...in an instant, I remember her. My maternal grandmother!  Tears spring to my eyes, and my heart leaps in my chest.  She was an amazing woman in life and clearly, that same spirit followed her to the place where she found me.  Laughing and crying, my tears came in torrents, purging me of the grief of her loss that I wasn't aware I still harbored.  She hadn't died!  No, she's more alive here than she was in her body.  The realization took my breath.

Her gaze, soft and sweet, relaxed me completely and I melted into her arms.  For the first time in a long time, I felt safe.  Ahh, safe!  When had I last felt untouchable by harm?  What a balm to my soul.  Resting in her embrace, I allow my resonance to merge with hers, our energies entwining and encircling us; yet somehow, each spirit still identifiable as its own.  How is it possible to feel such unity and still feel the uniqueness of all that's me?  Her energy doesn't consume or diminish mine.  In fact, as our forces dance around us, I can feel my energy, my wholeness, growing into something so powerful and profound that it escapes earthly definition.  

Finally, she speaks to me, but not as we speak here, on the earthly plain.  There's no sound, yet it is audible, there are words, but they don't move from her lips to my ears...she speaks them with her spirit, directly into mine.  "Calm yourself, Dear One."  My spirit embraces her instruction.

The energy in her words is digested, each syllable carrying the intended effect.  I feel calm and fluid. The words "dear one" are broken down to their smallest components, yet not fractured or destroyed.  They retain their full meaning in each tiny piece and course through me like blood through my veins.  I feel the words, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  In that moment, I know her and feel her words loving me, showing me that I truly am dear to her.  It infuses me and makes me...more.  Finally, I can see who I really am, and it's clear that I'm much more than I ever believed I could be.

I understand in a deep way that is new to me.  On a cellular level, I feel and know what it means to be dear to someone.  Understanding this in such completeness overwhelms me and I weep in her arms.  I weep for pain and sorrow and joy.  I weep for all the suffering I'd known in life and all the suffering I'd seen and felt unable to change.  I weep for the wall I'd built, the isolation I'd willfully imposed on myself, when I was in my body.  I weep for those in the earthly realm, those who are without hope and believe that there's nothing but what they call the here and now.  My heart dissolves in despair.  What if they'd been right, and the void had been my eternal existence?  Lying forever in a state of... nothingness?  I cry out, trembling at the thought of being consumed by the deep sleep that I'd once considered a reprieve.  "Shhh, Dear One, all is well."  Her words pull me back from the awful memory of the deserted place that had, until recently, been my holding cell.

A question comes to mind as I rest in her arms, and I move to ask her, to speak the words, but as soon as the thought forms, the answer appears, from her consciousness to mine.  "You are not dead, there is no death, except that the body becomes useless and is cast away.  You are either alive in the body...in the earthly realm, or super-alive here...or a mixture of the two as you are now; part of you there, and part of you here on the side of the spirits.  Your body lies near death in the hospital, and your spirit has left it, but not completely.  A sort of...cord, binds you to it still.  If it did not, you would be fully here."

Another question springs to mind, and as before, it is answered without my having to speak.  "Your consciousness exists outside your body.  It's not contained or housed in the brain.  It's eternal and cannot be held inside anything.  It exists whether your physical body does or not.  You can access it with your brain, but it isn't kept there like some sort of component.  Consciousness endures despite the body.  You've heard it said, Dear one, that energy isn't created or destroyed, it simply changes forms.  It's true on the earth plane and it's true here.  It is law."

My consciousness is eternal?  Not dictated by whether my body is alive or dead?  I'd never imagined such a thing.  I thought that when I died, I would still have some sort of physical structure that defined me.  It's difficult to comprehend that my body isn't me.  The information courses through me, billowing into fullness, and I realize that this...the way I am here...this is more real, more true, more accurately me, than the person being kept alive, in a hospital, on the other side.

Finally, I understand who I'm meant to be.  I ponder the complexity and simplicity of it so deeply that I don't realize my grandmother has gone, leaving me floating alone in the bright white light.  

An all-powerful energy shook me from my thoughts, and my internal dialogue stopped.  It was strikingly foreign to have my mental voice stilled, and all musings sent away.  My brain quit thinking and ceased its usual busywork.  In that moment, I knew who I was with.  Two words formed in my mind...


I was with the Spirit of God, and I knew Him.  I knew Him in a sense that was physical, spiritual, and mental.  He held no form; there was no embodiment, for what could hold Him?  What could contain the eternal?

The white light of His penetrating energy was unstoppable.  It couldn't be dimmed.  It touched me and went deeper still, beneath my physical self, of whom only a perception remained.  His vast, white presence, soaked into every part of me, diving deep into my core and stealing my breath, of which I had no need, because I was filled with His light.  I lay myself bare to this energy, letting it fill every empty place inside me.  It took up all those spaces without diminishing me in any way, for the white energy of God does not take from us, it only gives...filling us to overflowing.

His radiant light moved with powerful intent toward all parts of me, surrounding and infusing every cell, filling my body with intense warmth and vibration that was an indescribable joy to my ears, my skin, and my spirit.  I remained intact, retaining what was of benefit to me; while that which wasn't of benefit seemed to never have been.  I was unable to recall the pain, hurt and shame that were once my close companions, and I had no desire to try to bring them forth to my memory.

I saw my life before me, as though watching a movie.  I saw people I'd loved, and people my love had affected, without my knowing it.  The ripple effects of the good I'd done in my life played out on the screen and filled me with joy.  Seeing all the deeds done by others, because of love I'd shown them, made me weep with joy.  I had no idea such small acts resulted in such profound expressions and manifestations of love.  God allowed me to linger and watch the scenes over and over again.

My focus was pulled back to the bright white light.  It permeated me to my tiniest cell, wrapping me and filling me.  I relaxed my head back, not wanting to feel burdened by the weight of it, and at that moment, the white light moved into my neck, with such warmth, that it caused me to curl myself inward to experience it even more.

From my neck, it moved up through my jaw and into my mouth, lighting my tongue with the most pleasing of melodies.  I wanted to keep my eyes closed, to try and contain the light so it couldn't escape, but that was in folly.  My eyelids couldn't contain the power of the Creator.  It shined straight through them to the outside, reflecting off the light that surrounded me and raced back in.  

The white energy warmed my face and poured into my head, buzzing around my brain, lighting it with tingling sensations and creating a sense of floating and weightlessness.  Then, the light proceeded to enter each curve of my brain, flowing through as though traveling an expansive winding river, sparking to life previously unused parts of my intellect and creating within me a knowing which made all things clear.

Situations that I'd found torment over, in the earthly realm, were brought to my memory.  The dread and sadness that held me captive to the pain of those transgressions was vanquished.  Each truth became peaceful and clear in my mind.  No words were spoken, no explanations given, to erase the hurts and disappointments, just this deep internal understanding that the reality of those matters had not been what I believed it to be.  

I'd tried for so long to fit those trials into some sort of framework, to help me understand them.  I didn't know that the truth wouldn't come through my beliefs or ideas, but through the powerful energy of God that filled me on this side, the side of the spirits.  The weight of each of those pains left me, replaced by His peace, like a tender hug from father to child, assuring all is well.

I surrendered myself completely to God.  He held my entire existence.  His light flooded out of me, exuding from my bones, pouring out from each strand of hair, even my eyelashes were aglow and tingling with His light and love.

God was drawing me back to His core, where I had belonged all along.  I allowed myself to move closer and closer to His center.  Then suddenly, it was no longer external, it was internal!  The bright light's source dwelling at the deepest part of my being.  God's spirit living inside me, residing in my heart, my spirit, my soul!  For the first time, I understood that God was vast and personal, and at my invitation long ago, had taken up residence in my spirit.  I felt as though I might burst with joy, and explode into light, the rays from the blast reaching the farthest expanses of the universe.  I dove into the light, wanting never to return to the earthly realm.

Then suddenly I was stopped.  I knew that I couldn't continue this path...not yet.  I longed to stay, to make it to the spark of my existence, but it was not to be.  The light grew dim and distant and I became fretful, crying out to God, "Please! Grant me at least the memory of this!  I feel I will lose all hope if I cannot at least have that."

I woke in my hospital bed...the memory of my time on the other side held deeply within.

I've experienced significant changes since my NDE and now see life in a whole new way.  The most important lesson learned since my experience, the message I need to share with the world, is that we are all connected.  Life, at least in western culture, teaches us to be independent.  From the moment we draw our first breath, we are cast into a society of separatism.  We buld fences and walls, both literally and figuratively, to keep others out.  As we grow into adulthood, those separations become battlefields, further dividing us...even from the God who created us.

This independence is confusing and contrary to what our spirits need and desire.  It engages us in a lifelong struggle with our very essence, and becomes the source of all conflict.  If we, as children of God, are ever to make a real difference, we must first come to the understanding that we are linked to each other by our Creator.  I am connected in spirit with the criminal, the beggar, the infirm.  It is by recognizing this truth that I realize I too could have gone the way of the thief, the impoverished or the afflicted.

I came back from my NDE with a truer understanding of the strength and power endowed in each by our Creator.  We need not sit idly by, staring up at the sky, waiting for God to fix the problems here on earth.  He is right here with us! Equipping us with His love, so we can work together and get the job of caring for each other done.

This knowledge has given me a sense of peace.  Worry no longer makes sense, as I know that all things work together for good, if we choose the love of God.  I'm slower to anger and not as easily hurt.  Why should I be angry or hurt?  When someone wrongs me, I feel compassion; understanding that I once lived a life consumed with self, and in that, hurt others.  I walk taller and my smile is finally genuine, not just a mask I wear.  I strive to remember God's love when I speak, and gauge my words, so that they don't bring pain to others.  

Thank you, God, for my time in the void and in the light.  I feel "real" now.  I'm sprinting toward love, and rejecting fear.  The walls have come crumbling down, and I stand upon the rubble...ready to fulfill God's great and glorious purpose in my life.

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Fugitive is shown all his happiest moments

November 9th 1989 around 10pm, cold night for the weather. I was running from several peace officers and helicopter. I hid under a pomegranate tree that had never been trimmed. I hid under leaves so well only the helicopter knew I was there. They sent in K-9 (Bronco was his name), he found me right away. I grabbed his cheeks while lying on my stomach and held him from biting my head. Officers pulled me out by my feet, while I dragged the dog with me through the underbrush. One officer broke my hold of the dog and started to handcuff me. I couldn't hold the dog anymore, then he grabbed my other hand and handcuffed me while the dog mauled my head. I kept my face down so he wouldn't rip it up. We argued back and forth both of us not letting up. So the dog continued long after that until an officer grabbed him and said I had enough.

He stood me up and blood was running unstoppable. As I waited for the ambulance my legs gave out and I fell to my knees feeling scared of the feeling I was having. Ambulance finally came and I was so cold the blood from my head kept me warm on the gurney. They rolled me fast through the E.R. and I could see all the lights passing. They wrapped my head preparing me for surgery, when my body started shaking uncontrollably. I panicked even more and then everything went black!

Don't know for how long but then the darkness was giving way to dim light. I started to see my body and the doctors working on me. I wasn't really conscious but I could see peripherally. This light that was drawing me towards it was so intense and mesmerizing. Then two film strips on the left side of me started flashing back all the happiest moments I had ever had from when I was born till that moment. I recognized every script it was showing. And made me feel indescribably joyful while the light kept intensifying from everywhere. I loved this feeling growing on me and couldn't think of nothing else. Then a phone rang and I answered hello and my friend said Junior!!!!! That's what they call me. And everything went dark again.

When the dim light started appearing again it was a doctor looking at my eyes with a light and he said, "we almost lost you there." He told me to count back from ten to zero. I got to sseevveennnn. And lights out again. When I came to, I was in recovery.

Thanx for listening .... We don't pass away ... We continue collecting memories that equal Infinite Light to balance the Darkness we all have to experience....

Suicide is told she has no business trying to "get in"

I was 17 years old when I met my emotionally abusive boyfriend. He had a profound effect on me that lasts to this day, over 30 years later. Over the course of a year, he convinced me to join him in a suicide pact, claiming that we were "better" than the rest of society and deserved to be "somewhere else." He was a drug addict and because of the mental hold that he had over me and the desire to be high with him, I abandoned my family and friends. It was such a pivotal time in my young life and I have always fantasized about never having met him, wishing that I could’ve kept the precious friends that I had and never killed the relationship with my parents, as I was an only child.

I was at his beck and call, to go to him whenever he wanted, because he had enough drugs for us to overdose on. It could be in the middle of the night when I would miss school the next day and cause my parents to be sick over my sudden disappearance. When he moved over 4 hours away to an out-of-state school, I again went to him anytime that he asked. By the time that I arrived, the drugs either disappeared or he decided that he just wasn't ready to go.

He called one night, asking me to make another long drive to see him, and I actually refused. I can only wish that I had more time to become tired of the routine and come to my senses on my own, realizing that I was worth far more than the puppet that he made me feel I was. I couldn't reach him when I called the next morning and found out that he had finally decided to take his life. I wonder if he would have done it sooner if I never came. Perhaps the time alone that he had waiting for me and not showing up made him realize that it was more important for him to die than waiting for me to end my life, too.

My parents forbade me to make the drive to where he was because they knew how raw I was and that that environment was the last place I needed to be. I was extremely distraught over the experience. My mom lost over 10 pounds and she was already quite thin. I looked like absolute hell, judging from the few pictures taken of me after his death.

After his funeral, I was already seriously planning to kill myself. When the time was right and I found the top floor of an empty parking deck, I took an entire package of OTC sleep medicine and sat in my car waiting. I saw my fingernails turn yellow and soon could not move at all. I was already leaning back in my seat in a sleeping position when I began to focus on the sky through my car window. In a trance and without leaving my body, I felt my consciousness move to a particular set of clouds. I was still mostly aware of my surroundings and that I still couldn’t feel my body since it was numb.

What I saw after a few moments wasn’t a person, but a male presence, “looking down” at me. He was upset and annoyed that I was trying to "get in" to where he was. I could sense a few people behind him, males and females, who I felt were just there to passively accompany him until they could all return to where they had come from.

He spoke to me and I felt like I was being reprimanded. It was a mean display of emotion and I knew that he was angry. I was told not to come any further and that I had absolutely no right to come there. Even now, I feel the emotions and how sad and hurt I felt. I just kept "hearing" that I had no business there and to more or less get the hell away. Then I felt myself "pushed" back into my body. I became fully aware then of my surroundings and I willed my body to return to its normal state. I still couldn’t move, but desperately tried to sit up and look for any cars or people that I could yell for help to. I finally regained full use of my body and was able to drive home where I must’ve slept for two days.

I never tried to commit suicide after that. Over time, I developed this overwhelming knowing that I was being watched and the beings that were looking over me loved me in ways that no human could. I still feel it to this day and my belief system in the afterlife, even other dimensions, has increased exponentially. I am grateful for that experience and so grateful to know that I am so strongly loved.

I do wish, as I get older, that I could go "home." It is not a thought with intent, but more of a happy knowing that there will be a long break after I leave my already tired body before I come back again to learn new lessons.

The divine Love we share between us is all that truly matters and is measured and endures

As a young girl of 10, I became ill with strep throat and pneumonia, with a relentless high fever. I had been very sick for a couple of weeks with an increasingly sore throat, cold-like symptoms, coughing, and mounting breathing difficulty. (I had always had breathing problems and after this was formally diagnosed with asthma.) I eventually became unresponsive and was taken to hospital. There, during medical assessment, I was first stripped of all clothing and was wrapped in cold, wet sheets in an attempt to alleviate my soaring temperature. After diagnosing me, they gave me an injection of penicillin, to which I had an allergic reaction, resulting in an “anaphylactic shock-induced death.”

I found myself out of my body and floated up to the upper-right rear corner of the hospital room. As I looked down, I saw what was supposed to be me—a long, skinny body wrapped in white sheets—but the body wasn’t me. I felt a complete and total disidentification with the body, while I, the real me, was dispassionately observing the hospital staff frantically attending to it with an intense and increasing flurry of activity. The concern and attention they had for this body was interesting, yet no one noticed I was there, watching from outside of it.

Through the wall, I could see my distraught mother down in the hallway. On some level, I sensed and felt her angst, and I wanted her to know that I was all right, that she needn’t worry or be upset.

Her upset was no doubt heightened by the fact that, prior to my being in this room, the doctor had sternly and angrily chastised her. Why had she not brought me for medical attention far sooner? We had been at my great aunt’s cottage. It was summer. My illness progressed to the point where my fever remained high and constant—at least 104 degrees for two days—and my body would shiver uncontrollably. Though hot to the touch, I kept saying how cold and freezing I felt.

So my mother heeded my great aunt’s advice and covered me in blankets and put a woolen hat on my head. In addition, my aunt slathered me with Vicks VapoRub and wrapped a sock around my neck. All this naturally raised my fever, which is how I became unresponsive. The doctor was angry with my mother for bringing me into the hospital in blankets and a woolen hat, with a sock around my neck. He made a comment that she was cooking me to death and sternly sent her away to wait elsewhere. (My mother would tell me this many years later.)

As I continued to disinterestedly watch all the activity, a light began to fill the room, enveloping everything in sight, making its way to me, wrapping itself around me. I no longer saw anything else but this light. The physical scene below had now faded and disappeared. The light grew brighter and brighter. It was gorgeous, magnificent. Brilliant white silvery light swirled and glided, forming and melding around me.

Exquisitely soothing and flowing, it invited and welcomed me into itself. It was as though I looked into a corridor of light. The light pulled and drew me into itself and enveloped me. I had no resistance, as it felt so inviting and completely natural. I merged with the light, and became it. It was me, and I was it, without differentiation.

As the light now, I/we moved along this shining tunnel. The light was so intensified that’s there’s nothing to compare it to on earth. It was like when you look up and see shafts of sunlight shining onto you through the leaves of trees, only magnified in brightness thousands of millions of times.

In this pulsing brilliance, there was such a soft gentleness. I felt profound, exquisite LOVE. A joining and remembrance of being this Love, this true and perfect essence. I was and am that. All was perfect and whole. It felt unceasing and limitless. The indescribable, effulgent Love was what I was. And I was at peace. Complete peace. There were no thoughts, only blissful, peaceful silence and contentment beyond words. Only oneness prevailed.

At some point, there was what seemed to be a soft hum in the background and a gentle sound of whooshing air or wind all around. Yet it was not distracting nor disturbing. It was beautiful. I was part of it too.

Before me appeared a magnificent being radiating forth pure Divine Love. This being was formless and was softly and ethereally pulsating, yet somehow it seemed to have a hint of form, liked a blended, ever-so-faint outline that was even more radiantly brilliant (though, paradoxically, of the same brilliance as all else around it).

There seemed to be a recognition of this being as an entity “other” than myself. And yet at the same time, it was also an aspect of who I was, and therefore, in essence, was ultimately also me. There was thus no sense of separation.

On each side of this magnificent being was another form. These two additional beings felt equally powerful, yet slightly smaller and a half-step back, even though their edges (and their entirety) intermingled with the central being. They also seemed to be more in observation. (I almost don’t want to say “they” here, because all three beings felt like one.)

We all shared this intense feeling of LOVE. Our communication was silent, absent of words, telepathic. This form of communication was all-knowing, like windows into the heart of the soul, through which the communication expanded both outward and inward. We read one another’s thoughts instantaneously. There was no room for even a smidgen of miscommunication. The whole picture of each expression was perfect. The three beings and I expressed everything so clearly, succinctly, and eloquently. The thought-forms flowed back and forth simultaneously, all at once. We all heard one another.

I had a sense that the being in the center was God, the Creator, and the thought-forms of the other beings were expressed to me through this one central consciousness. All was perfect. I felt that I was at home, basking, enfolded, and cradled in the heart of the source of all Love. Home in the heart of God.

Even though there was no sense of time or sequence, I then recall an ever-so-slight discomfort, a reluctance to agree to that which was next asked of me. This was to consider taking a look at my life, to review it, and then decide whether to remain in this loving embrace of divine perfection or to return to my body.

The idea of returning to the physical was definitely a highly unpleasant one, to say the least, and I attempted to refuse entirely. Patiently and with loving understanding, I was informed that indeed I could remain and not return to the physical if that’s what I chose. Yet I was gently encouraged to first take a look at my life prior to making that decision. I felt an increasingly strong sense of resistance to this, and yet in the same instant, a knowingness that I needed to.

I wasn’t forced in any way. The decision came from a deep internal knowing that it was the right and necessary thing to do. And so I agreed, however reluctantly, to take a look, and as a result experienced a very vivid life recall.

It was both painful and exquisitely beautiful. It was like viewing a film, filled with precise detail. Every single thought, word, deed, decision, and action was brought forth and re-experienced and re-examined. It was self-evaluation, with total transparency and honesty. Throughout, I was never judged by any of these divine beings. They simply held me in Love, with complete compassion and acceptance.

In this review, I realized that I was every single person I’d ever encountered or thought of. As I merged with and became them, I felt exactly what they experienced as a result of my loving or unloving thoughts and actions. I saw it all from their point of view, not only how my actions affected them, but then through them affected others they encountered, as the effects kept on going.

I saw that the love we express ripples out, creating an everlasting beauty that is often unbeknownst to us at the time. I saw this happen when I spoke a heartfelt word, thought a truly kind thought or gave undivided attention to someone. I recall simple gestures having the most impact, like a spontaneous and genuine smile. For example, I smiled at a woman I passed on the street and it turned her day around. She had been feeling disheartened about life, and my smile changed her interactions later that day with her children and others. On some level, I heard her thanking me.

In our essence, we are powerful and loving beings, and we are given countless opportunities to act from that love, endless chances to learn and grow by offering and receiving love. It felt as if we are living inside a grand game, which is perfectly designed to always give us another opportunity to get it right this time.

For instance, I saw a disheveled man. It was as though in the “game” he’d been dressed in this disguise to give others an opportunity to respond with kindness. But when I and others judged him—actually believed him to be “disheveled”—I felt his profound sadness and regret. On a higher level, I earnestly apologized to him and then immediately felt his forgiveness bestowed on me.

I saw that everything we do makes a difference. The impact we have on one another is profound. And all of it is registered telepathically somewhere in our minds, so that we carry within ourselves the consequences for our thoughts, words, and deeds. We have a responsibility, and we hold ourselves accountable for all of it. I could see that the effects we impose on others by our unlovingness become our personal hell. Hell is not a place we’re banished to as punishment. There is no punitive God. Hell is the self-judgment that keeps us imprisoned. We do it to ourselves.

Yet none of that is real. In the end, only the Love is real. The divine Love we share between us is all that truly matters, and is measured, and endures.

In this process of ruthlessly honest self-reflection, nothing went unnoticed. Nothing was able to be hidden. Nothing. Not one single thing. This life review was like going through everything with a fine-tooth comb, looking under every rock, leaving no stone unturned, seeing into each crevice with a Divine Light that revealed every hidden place. And through the entire process, it was all looked at and discerned through the lens of Love. Love prevailed. And I remembered.

In the life review, there was an interlude in which I was taken by the hand and led into another realm. It resembled earth because there were trees, sparkling sand, and aquamarine water. There were fruit-laden trees, lush foliage, and vibrantly colored birds. Everything was alive—each flower and every glistening grain of sand. Floral fragrances filled the air. (Even now, when I smell lilies and freesia, I’m transported back to that memory.) It was all soft and ethereal and vivid at same time.

I was not in a solid body, nor were the others. Rather, we were in these shimmering, flowing, ethereal garments. Everyone floated and glided, just inches above the ground. We could pass right through one another, and when we did, we felt a ripple of heightened intensity above our already sustained joy. As I glided slowly along, my “hand” would pass through the flowers and meld with and become them, and there would be that same ripple of joy. As I passed another, our thoughts communicated instantly. We had a sense of seeing into and becoming each other. We knew we were all one another. We felt an ecstatic joy that never stopped. It would build and intensify, ebb, and flow, yet it never stopped. I want to use the word “orgasmic,” but not in the sense we experience on earth. It was simple; it was Love, completely pure and unceasing Love.

I was nearing more readiness to agree to return to the body, but was still reluctant and leaning towards saying no. Then I was asked, still without words, would I look at a few more things? And I agreed. I was then given glimpses of life ahead still to be lived. Those included the seeming challenges I would face, along with all the precious beauty that was inherent within them.

I was shown the children that I would birth into the world. I felt my love for them and theirs for me, along with the love between me and many others yet to come into my life.

I saw how my mother would be devastated if I “died,” never forgiving herself, thinking that she was responsible for my death. One of the beings I met there, who felt like my older brother (my mother had not yet informed me that she had given birth to a stillborn boy before me), told me how my (our) mother would be very, very sad.

After what I was shown of the life ahead, I was informed that if I chose to return, I would temporarily forget it all and that it would gradually come back to me in the living of my life.

Everything I was shown in the past review and the future preview was vibrant and vivid, with intensely amplified feelings. I felt reassured that all would be well; more than that—all would be and is perfect. (I don’t recall specifics of the future view. I don’t recall details of an eventual physical death. I can remember none of that.)

Toward the end of the life review and future glimpses, there was an event that seemed like a finale of sorts. One last gift to be shared and shown to me.

It was as though I walked into an enormous, open, ethereal space, not on earth. In this place, absolutely everyone I had ever encountered, even including people I had just passed on the street—literally everyone—was there before me. It was a vast sea of people, and I was awestruck.

As I looked around, there were faces of people who had been more prominent in my life: family, close friends, ancestors. These were more in the forefront. But also present were all those I had interacted with in passing on the street, in a park—everywhere I ever went in my life.

Once I got over the initial amazement of what felt like a grand surprise, I looked over the sea of faces, and the message that came from all of them together was, “Welcome home. Welcome, we’ve been waiting for you.” (My God, the profoundness of this brings tears to my eyes, tears of overwhelming gratitude and joy.)

This experience forever instilled in me a deep, knowing sense that no one is or will be left behind. We wait for one another. We wait for everyone. We wait for however long it takes to walk one another back home. It’s as though we play an unconditionally loving witness to one another’s lives. There was so much Love infused that it is indescribable and brings me to my knees in remembrance. It was like a reunion.

We then went on to excitedly reminisce in a way, in mind-to-mind communication: “Oh yes, I remember, when I said (or did or thought) that to you, you said (or did or thought) that to me.” “And then I felt and did…,” etc., etc. It’s as if the divine in us is always supporting one another toward our eventual union with our Creator. What a revelation this part was. It was like a grandly orchestrated event on every level.

A most wonderful aspect of this was how, above the surface interactions, there is a whole completely perfect other level of communication going on at all times. Even when the interaction might appear to be hurtful, when seen from that other, higher level, it is only and always from Love and always in the highest good for both people. It’s as though I saw behind the scenes, behind the curtain of physical interactions, to what is always really going on. There’s a divine intelligence at work all the time. It was incredibly funny as well to see how I had often taken things so seriously. What a tremendous relief this was to see insights into what was really going on. That is what was revealed to me in our excited reminiscing. The whole thing felt like a celebratory party.

Once this “reunion” felt complete and I understood what I was meant to fulfill going forward, I then chose to return to the physical. I felt I had been given a great assignment of responsibility, and I vowed to fulfill it. It was not one big, important task. Rather, it was inherent in all that I had experienced: to be truly kind and express love at all times. Quite simply, I had fallen short and could do better this time. Going back into human life to play out this earthly “game” was still tinged with reluctance, though this was tempered by the magnificent Love I’d just experienced and the knowledge that we’d all meet again.

This entire experience must have happened within a few moments, but where I was, there was no time, and it seemed to have gone on forever.

Perhaps my point of decision was when the doctor had counteracted the penicillin, which had stopped my heart, with adrenaline to get my heart beating again. In my experience, though, as soon as I said yes to the choice to return, I had a sensation of falling backwards into the light, like it all happened in reverse, but faster now, as if I was being pulled, sucked back through it all, falling backwards.

As this falling sensation began, I asked one last question: “Will I—and when will I—have the opportunity to return to the love and light of this my home and remain?” The answer was a resounding “Yes. Yes, my child.” And as to when, I heard (as I continued to fall backwards), “Yes in…when…bring” and then I heard numbers. It was either 1,000, 10,000, 100,000 or all of those. (Whether these referred to years, days, people, situations, lifetimes, or something else, I don’t know, and perhaps don’t need to know). I couldn’t hear clearly, and I don’t fully remember the details. I was falling backwards so fast that the communication became fainter. I heard the voice still (telepathically) speaking, but it became fainter and fainter, and I was straining to hear and gather it all.

And then I was back in the body.

I felt I understood it all. There was so much information, but it was all inside of me. The experience was about Love, an unconditional Love that transcends words. A Love so magnificent and perfect. And that grand Love resides within us all, equally. One human body could not carry nor sustain the magnitude of its unlimited power. We all share it equally. Love of this magnitude is truly indescribable in words. It is an otherworldly realm of indescribable radiance. Our purpose is to remember this Love, and help one another remember. And the opportunities are always right there, in front of us.

This experience has remained a touchstone for me my entire life. It has walked beside me the whole way. In particular, it has given me a sense of the preciousness of every interaction and the opportunity for divine love to pass between us in the smallest of exchanges.

Since the experience, I've become more intuitive/knowing and had several experiences that are considered mystical, visions, including spontaneous healing many years later.


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