I went into the hospital for an overnight "simple procedure" for reflux and it went horribly wrong. I was finally found to have a long-standing esophageal perforation (7-10 days). Most people don't live past a 24-hour perforation. When the surgeon operated on me, I was so septic that he told my family that he had never touched organs as hot as mine.

At the end of the surgery, which I lost my esophagus due to the infection, my family was told about me being in extremely critical condition and to bring in any family members that may wish to say goodbye. I was on life support in ICU for a week. When I passed critical, the doctor's told my family that I was a miracle.

While I was in ICU, I had experiences. At first I did not tell anyone because I was not sure what really happened, and it was still a little fuzzy since I was so medicated.

A few days later, it all came back because while I was sleeping I woke up and realized that I was subconsciously trying to go back. So, here is what I remembered.

I would open my eyes in the hospital bed and a blue-eyed wolf was next to me. I don't remember getting out of my bed, but I would go down a hall with the wolf. We would get to a door and somehow the wolf opened the door. A blond woman, wearing white was on the other side. I never saw her face. She and the wolf led me down a long dark tunnel. She was on my right and the wolf on my left. I remember holding onto the wolf's fur. I never saw a bright light. At the end of the tunnel, the woman opened a door and I walked out to a large field. It was beautiful. There were trees, flowers, and many birds. There were a lot of people, but it did not seem crowded. I walked up a small hill and sat with a woman who had short dark hair. She was sitting with her knees pulled up and arms wrapped around her knees. We talked. I can't remember anything we said. When it was my time to leave, I knew I would walk back to the door. The woman and the wolf were there and walked me back through the tunnel. Once through the other door, the wolf would take me back to my room.

I had this experience more than once because I remember feeling so relieved when I would open my eyes and the wolf would be there. That is why I was trying to go back later. I realized that I could not go back on my own and could only go back if the wolf took me.

I do not know if this was a NDE. My doctor's, when I finally told them, were hesitant to discuss it. I talked to a few ministers, but they thought it was the drugs. I talked to a shaman once who told me it was a shamanic experience. I really don't know, but my strong feeling is I went to a "holding place" not quite on the other side, and not in my present state either. I began to believe that maybe it was a place where real sick people went for extra healing energy and that maybe the woman (whom I think of as my spiritual guide) and the wolf provided me with the energy to beat the odds. I know that the woman and I talked about very important things and it upsets me that I can't remember. But, I did feel led to certain life changes when I returned to my health.

After I healed, I left a relationship that I should have left years ago, took classes in energy healing, and started to read medicine cards. Lately I have felt lost and I am beginning to think that my depression has to do with my experience. I am wondering if I was told to follow a certain path and I am not doing it. I used to work in a non-profit and left due to financial and health insurance issues. I am now wondering if I should go back. I feel so drawn to help people. I want people in this world to feel that someone loves and cares about them.