Feb 20, 2013, I was just finishing my first ever plasmapheresis (plasma exchange) and they removed the central line for the treatment from my jugular with an IJC catheter. I was packed, ready, dressed to go home and my husband, middle child and my mom were in my room to take me home. They only had to remove the line and send me home...but it was a teaching hospital.
The nurse was teaching a new nurse how to remove it. After removal, the hole MUST stay covered until the blood clots, but she decided to switch hands because her arm got tired and I got a big dose of air right into my brain. I felt bubbling all over, then I felt myself leaving my body, from my legs up...before I could say anything I completely left my body. I never felt my body fall back on the bed from sitting. I knew what was happening and in my mind I was screaming, "No, no, no, I can't leave my babies!"
Then I heard a voice, "ALL WILL BE AS IT SHOULD." and I felt this indescribable mix of complete peace and love. But it was DARK…endless darkness and I was floating...no weight, no pain, no time. I was there 100 years and a split second all at once. I asked why it was dark, where I was going (there was an anticipation of a destination). He said, “You're not allowed to see because you wouldn't want to fight."
I can't clearly remember everything we talked about, but I have a sense of complete understanding. I was given spiritual gifts (discernment, joy, strength of faith, KNOWING that God is real, that the spiritual realm is MORE real than this one!), and just as I was sent back (resuscitated successfully by a miracle that my neurologist just happened to be right outside the room I was in), He said, "Advocate." I saw a brilliant blue, complicated but beautiful snowflake, made of the prettiest teal light, I heard a loud BOOM, and I was back in my body.
It was the most heavy, painful, loud, bright experience. I imagine it is what babies feel after birth. I couldn't handle sounds/lights or keep track of time for months. I couldn't look at a TV or video screen for months, the movement bothered me too much. I had to learn to walk again and I fought pneumonia 7 times and had two PEs that year.
I know that He was right about me not wanting to fight, because that was 10 years ago and the past 5 years have been the hardest of my life. I'm advocating...and I found out the symbol for the disease I'm fighting, Myasthenia Gravis, is a teal snowflake. (I didn't know that in 2013. I had just been diagnosed and didn't know anything about it.) I am still fighting, and when God decides I'm done I'll be SO relieved...but I don't mind waiting because I have a lot to love, learn, and do.
I had years of struggling with having to live with suffering (anger, resentment, depression) but I am at peace with living as best I can and won't stop fighting (and advocating when I can) because I know that my suffering here will be worth it when it's over and I won't have to suffer again. When I have good days, they're awesome. I drag race my car, go fishing/try some wildlife photography/camping, or visit the beach with my kids. I have a wonderful husband and specialist who care for me well. I am blessed, no matter how much I suffer, I'm grateful for His grace for my every breath now.