NDE-Like Accounts

One of Mine

What led to my NDLE was a job/identity crisis between 1988 and 1990, where I was in and out of work, which spiraled me through anxiety, depression and down into burn-out. From this ego knock-out punch, I didn't see stars. What I experienced was this... I came home the evening of December 31, 1990 and was emotionally exhausted.  I closed the door to my room and flopped down on the floor. I just needed everything to stop for a while. I found myself instantly beginning to pray out of the desperation of what seemed to be happening to me. (At the time I was age 26 with no job, no girlfriend, and no apartment. I had expected by age 20 to have a good job, be financially stable, have a place of my own and be in a loving relationship. Reality wasn't matching my deep core beliefs and expectations of how life was supposed to be, and I was very confused as to why.) My eyes were closed because everything I saw reminded me of the pain. What I saw around me was of course the life that was handed to me, or was it the life I had created for myself?

You see this whirlwind of pain I had been experiencing for those past few years, caused me to start questioning everything. When these feelings within began to stir in 1987 to 1988, I was prompted to start reading some self-help material (relaxation, power of the subconscious mind, self-actualization). This naturally led me to meditation, which arises out of the teachings Daoism, Buddhism, Vedanta (Yoga) and others. This pointed me to the notions of one underlying source-- the divine or God and that we are spiritual beings within human form. So I had some idea of the spiritual realm. I had been doing some relaxation/meditation techniques to try and help myself calm down. I was relatively new to the practice of prayer and meditation, but I was open and fascinated by this idea that God may be real. I did think these relaxation techniques were meditation, because I was having some experiences of a deep peace and had started to also have some information come to me. I would jot it down on scrap paper and put it into a notebook. So, as I was lying on my bedroom floor and feeling horrible, I thought, "Why not give prayer a try?" As I started to become slightly comforted by the praying, I was simultaneously noticing how bad I really was feeling. My prayers turned quickly into please and begging, "Please God, help me! What's happening to me? Why is this happening? What's wrong? Please God help me! What's really going on? What is all this? Please help me! Help me God! Why is this happening to me? What's really going on? Who am I? What's happening? Why am I here? GOD, help me." The mental and emotional energy swirling through me seemed as though it was going to short circuit my whole system.

What started to happen was the swirling torment, in some sort of way, had begun to change or straighten out. It seemed like I was being propelled into what I call the vast darkness of inner space. I was still anxiously praying. I was shifting my focus now, or being shifted, toward this sensation of speeding through the darkness. I thought, "Where are the stars?" Then out in front of me I thought I saw a star. So I tried to focus in on that star. Then I see it bigger than when I first spotted it. Now I realize that it's moving toward me, because it's growing in size very rapidly. When it's about one third the size of a full moon I feel this unbelievable peace (what came and still comes to mind is "The peace that passeth all understanding"). From that size it grew into a 12-foot radiant sphere positioned about seven feet in front of me. I feel wisdom, love, and power and think, "Oh my God, there really is a God!" To give the experience one word, love. It then speaks to me saying, "I am life and the life of life and you are one of mine." Then it says, "Wherever you go you belong." I was crying so deeply and felt so safe and comforted, like I was being held in the hands of God. I felt absolutely elated for the rest of that day.

A few days later I wanted to get back there, to be in that presence again. So I tried to pray and meditate on that golden presence, and after maybe 45 minutes or so, the golden being broke through or did I break through? I felt this incredible love, and it said, "I am here. I am the great light, that which you would call God…peace."

A couple of days had gone by and I tried to make a connection again, this time no luck, but the prayer and meditation gave me some peace anyway. Then about a week or so later I tried to go within again and I did it. I made a connection. The golden sphere appears and says, "I am here." Then I see a golden man within the sphere, he has a robe like Jesus. He reads my mind and says, "I am not the man Jesus. I am what you would call the higher self or the Buddha nature." Then he proceeds to say, "I am my father’s son and he and I are one. I come so that divine will be done." Then he says, "This is for all who will listen. This is the next part of the teaching." (I knew this was for every soul in this world and within this area of the universe). He sweeps his arm in front of his body and says, "I am the same as all of you, and all of you are the same as I am. The I am that I am. Therefore, be at peace."

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