Okay, this is really hard for me. But in many ways cathartic. I'm coming out of the closet as someone who has undergone a near death experience, like a spiritual experience where I had a life review.

I don't want to give too many details but there is life after death, in terms of our spirit does live on. Because I had an out of body experience and I saw glimpses of what had happened in my life (too personal to write here, taking it with me to the grave), from the other person's point of view, but a lot was kept from me, and I felt this light and overwhelming love envelope me. The life review was very very very real, like the events that were played back to me made me feel like I was in that moment of time again, but in the life review I was exposed to what the other person was going through, but very specific memories, nothing to do with immediate family. It was like being inside a 3D movie. Like I was floating above, that's the only way I can describe it and then covered in clouds of love, time had totally slowed down and seemed like non-existent but when I returned, it was like this entire experience could have taken place in microseconds or something, like time seemed like irrelevant, the best way I can describe it is using Mary Neal's term, "eternal NOW".

I remember being upset with my angels/guides or whoever was there, saying I didn't want to come back so soon but they were adamant that I needed their guidance. By "saying", I didn't really say it, I just thought it and I knew what their response was too as if they had said it. I was in a lot of earthly pain when this happened, so it was a bit ghastly the way I left my body, till the enveloping light and all. Mind you, I've never done drugs, even weed (it smells like cow dung to me) or gotten wildly drunk (I only drink like one glass at the most only sparingly when in the company of friends) or even consumed coffee or tea at the time. I was a total tee-totaler so this was definitely not as a result of a drug-induced hallucination but as a result of a spiritual intervention due to severe panic attacks, anxiety and dread.

And after I came back, I don't know how, I was just back, I had elevated psychic abilities all of a sudden, like I could see people's thoughts and emotions. Then it was like a let down, because of that intense white light and love I had experienced, normal life here seemed like heavy and like trudging through marshlands at first, and for a while I wondered why they had spoiled it for me, cursing them internally, exposing me to what was behind the veil. I cursed myself for being so belligerent and wanting to return to my life here, thinking it would have been best if their intention had been to claim me for good. My anxiety and panic attacks subsided for a while, because the worst had happened, as in death and I had still survived apparently. That is later, life presented me with a bunch of other evils and I was left to fend for myself again but back then, the memory of that intense love and well being kept me safe while the feeling was still fresh.

Because my immediate family was of no help, maybe that's why I was chosen for this experience. Like I pretended for a Godly amount of time that I was okay with the tiny morsels of affection they gave me at utmost personal discomfort and also the stark disappointment that I wanted very very very different things for myself. That is apart from the verbal, physical and psychological abuse. I'm very very very affectionate and I was so hungry, starving, continually for affection and approval, which I think contributed largely to the scary panic attacks and anxiety spirals that led to suicidal tendencies in the first place. Also two really bad years at this posh school, which totally plummeted my self confidence and made me lose touch for a few years with some friends who had been my support system, and the only relief from my family growing up. Looking back, I bent over backwards to try to fit in, and now I'm happy to say I'm very comfortable with being different.

I delved into literature regarding those who had full blown NDE experiences, mine wasn't that extended, I was fully aware of my earthly body even when I kind of had a life review but I was curious to explore the experiences of those who had gone through something similar. I had this slight fear that I would just leave my body because the circumstances surrounding my NDE were very excruciating and the way I left my body was painful and without any notice, like I didn't even know such a thing was possible when it happened. I had no exposure to NDEs before this happened to me, so you can imagine what I went through. Actually, when you exit your body, it's like a bigger realization, you just know you have existed before this life and will after too. I was still me, I was happy to discover that, which makes me think that our personalities are largely coloured by who we are as souls. My intuitive healer comforted me saying I wouldn't just leave my body, that my NDE was the only exception, that we all have several exit points in our lives and my angels/guides had to intervene because I was getting stuck. Later, I realized I can eat certain foods to ground myself even better.

When this took place, I contacted Vancouver IANDS, met some really lovely people, really got to know fellow experiencers. I couldn't and didn't talk about this to anyone I went to university with, besides I was so busy studying that I didn't have time to really talk about it but IANDS really helped and I was mostly scared of not graduating on time, which is why I took like 6 courses both terms in my last year, including the Capstone course.

Anyway, while my peers were busy doing what young people do, I was busy making one - two hour trips by myself to the outskirts of Vancouver to meet NDEers and people in spiritual communities, on weekends and during my free time. Close to when I had this experience, I met this very evolved spiritually tuned lady Annalia who had strangely predicted it before it did happen almost unwittingly. For the rest of uni, I stayed close to only a few friends, and didn't get into any real relationships with any guys - I felt alienated within because I knew they probably wouldn't get it - I tried to tell one of my friends and she was too scared, and I didn't want to scare anyone, so I kept it to myself. But then I met Evelyn who led a Christian group and I could tell her and her friends about this. She comforted me a lot, mostly because she was on her own spiritual path.

I remember I was a staunch feminist throughout uni, and there was this guy in my last year, who was trying his shot with me, who was a total MCP, and I would have usually given him a hard time for it, but my psychic abilities made me see how deeply wounded he was by my indifference, and very uncharacteristically I behaved kindly towards him. I was kind of paralyzed when I saw the depth of emotion within him, I felt like the worst person alive for causing him so much pain, when I had done nothing wrong. He came across as so self sufficient and so nonchalant, I wouldn't have guessed how affected he was by our exchange otherwise. On the other hand, years later, I worked with this individual, Voldemort reincarnate, who acted like such a good person and spoiled everyone with gifts but was so disgusting within, and who made such creepy sexual advances to me in a way that no one believed me even when I reported him, my psychic abilities made me see too much and even feel a lot in my private areas, I wish I could unsee and unfeel all of it.

My psychic abilities ebb and flow, thankfully, I don't see ghosts or such, it gets enhanced when I'm around people with lower energy levels. But sometimes I do receive images and info from those who have passed on, and I know immediately who it is sending me the images, I just know. I was kind of trained/taught to protect myself and learn how to block myself against lower energies by my grandmother, who has passed on. I'm positive it was her because she used memories of us together to get through to me. Looking back, she was the one in my family who showed kindness to me, she was a very pious lady and a brilliant cook! Her kitchen was her temple, it was a huge kitchen and everything she prepared was intricate, delicate and delicious much like her. Later on, due to differences between her and my immediate family, we lost touch but ever since my intuition raised for me to be able to receive from her, she's been keeping me company every now and then. I hope this is of relief to anyone who's lost a loved one. They are probably on the other side looking out for you.

Anyway, to me at least it seems, all the suicides that could have been prevented have been prevented. But that doesn't mean you let anyone get to such a weak or torturous place, I mean even those who have passed on because of issues that couldn't have been resolved with a last minute intervention, probably could have been saved had it not gotten to those stages leading up to it.

Thankfully, my angels knew what path I was heading down and intervened before the final stages when I was in university. There were many synchronicities along the way, like I read about a boy my age who had been through similar experiences of bullying and perfectionism who ended up hanging himself as a result of harshness he experienced at the hands of a callous teacher. It came as a shock to everyone, because he put on an incredible show of composure, there were some signs all along, like him joking about choking himself or something, but it was so obvious that it went unnoticed, ironic I know. I know that sudden moment of weakness was because he put on this veneer as stronger than he really was for too long (probably due to the toxic East Indian conditioning or toxic parenting or the toxic education system or the stigma attached to mental health) and that teacher's cruelty was probably the straw that broke the camel's back. Which is why I'm the first to admit I'm having problems now. I'm so grateful I have friends who I can show my rawest form to.

In a way, admitting this feels like admitting I have a third arm or something like that. It makes me feel like an alien just admitting this, even though I've met people who have had NDEs themselves, which is why after mine, the first thing I did was research and look for people I could relate too, but it still scares me to admit this to people. Ironically, I have a deep seated fear of aliens, like ET is the most traumatic movie for me, like I'll laugh at a horror movie, but alien movies are a complete no go for me. As scared as one might be reading this, I'm more scared within to put this all out, but a voice in me, my angels speaking to me, tells me it's for the greater good. I don't expect anyone reading this to believe me. I was the biggest skeptic till this happened to me. I felt alienated long enough as a result of this experience but I'm still me, and I'm still loved for who I really am, and I might have heightened intuition as a result of this experience but I'm no different from those I love.

At the end of the day, I want to really be grateful about the events that led up to my NDE and even after. Like it was very difficult for me, but I felt immense love from a God force, or my angels and that white light, I know each of us are unconditionally loved by the divine. I only offer blessings to my immediate family, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that the differences were too much to add up, but at the end of the day, who knows if they were exhibiting signs of the wounded child within them, I say this now as a result of personal growth.

God is REAL, this I can say with utmost confidence because I've been rescued more times than I can count. My NDE was very literal proof for ME, but the truth is we are surrounded by angels and spirit guides overlooking us every minute of every day.