This NDE happened on 2/9/20 at 53 years of age. My first NDE was when I was 4, near drowning, without much detail but came back with knowledge of God’s existence which has led to being a lifelong seeker of truth.
I woke up at 5am with the full moon shining in between the slats of the blinds in my room. I got up, opened the blinds and admired the moon, then I went back to bed and fell asleep. While I was dreaming some ordinary dream, a few small, pastel-colored balls of light floated into the scene. The dream brightened with another kind of light the orbs seemed to emit: a soft, white light that made everything in my dream fade into the background. I then went with these orbs without question. I found myself just above the atmosphere in space. I was completely lucid and thought, “It’s happening,” meaning I thought I had died. I felt a sense of excitement and wonder. I didn’t even think about my body or about anything or anyone I loved on earth. There was complete detachment or no remembrance of my earthly life during my experience, which after I came back, I thought was odd but not distressing. I don’t think it meant my life or the people I love here aren’t important to me, it was more about being in the present moment in order to limit distraction. It was a completely natural feeling to be so present without any sense of concern or burden. Right after I had the thought that I had died, I looked to the right and saw many white wisps floating up into space from the earth at different intervals and I knew they were souls of people who had just died too.
Then, I had this incredible desire to be with Jesus. The intensity of that feeling surprised me because even though on earth I had been drawn to Jesus and loved him, the desire to see him while in spirit was all-consuming. I shot upward with amazing speed, but then I wanted to see the earth below so I slowed until I just hovered there looking at all the stars around me in awe. I also had this sense there wasn’t time to gaze at the earth, but that thought seemed to come from outside of myself from other beings even though I didn’t see them.
I thought about earth again and just like that, I was floating above a building but didn’t know where. When I thought about touching it, an opaque form of my hand appeared and when I touched the wall, my hand felt its density but went right through. It was so strange. So, with greater speed I flew through the wall and didn’t feel a thing. I realized I was in a nursing home. I moved along the ceiling through walls until I came to a room with two very old women with dementia in their beds, awake and in some kind of mental distress. I noticed a soft, green glow coming from me as I moved closer to them. The first woman looked up and started smiling with joy in my direction and I realized she could see me! The light from me touched her and she kind of babbled at me but she was so happy. The other woman next to her reacted in the same way, and when I thought about touching her cheek with my hand in a healing way, again, my hand appeared with a green glow and I felt her face. She cupped her hand over mine and it just merged into my hand because my own wasn't solid. And by her joyful reaction, she seemed to feel it too. I am a nurse on this earthly plane and I’ve cared for many people with memory problems, so to help in spirit felt so natural to me but in a different way. It was just more immediately satisfying and joyful because the heaviness of my human body and mind was nonexistent. All that flowed from me was love, and I received their love in return.
I went up through the ceiling into the night sky and then I thought about the ocean. As a human, I just love the ocean! I looked down and the waves were breaking on a somewhat frozen shore. I thought about just diving in but it looked cold. So I just skimmed the water with my hand and it wasn’t freezing, just cool. I remember thinking it was odd that I was concerned about the temperature of the water. It was such a human thought. Whereas, when I had been flying around in space, I had no such thoughts, it was as natural as breathing.
Then, Jesus came to mind again and I shot up into space among the stars again until I would reach a certain distance where I would stop then drift back down near earth. I felt like this happened a few times, not because something or someone stopped me, but because I was just so fascinated by all the wonders around. I felt like a kid at Disneyland for the first time multiplied by a thousand. If you're thinking, why don’t I describe what I saw, it’s just not possible with any detail. Awe is indescribable.
Again, I thought intently about Jesus but I could only get so far in space before I stopped. But this time I felt like a force stopped me from going further and from even calling out his name. Perhaps if I had been allowed, I wouldn’t have been able to return. I remember hovering in space feeling disappointed and I said to myself, “Where is Jesus?” Just when I wondered why I couldn’t see him, I saw a light across the darkness in space that was different than the light of the stars. I personally knew this light. I did not go to the light. The light came closer to me and expanded. It undulated like a white glowing ember enfolded in a nebula with its pink and billowing dark smokey grays. The light stopped before it engulfed me and for a few moments I connected with the essence of the light which was complete love. And in those moments we were one. This was not the Jesus I expected to see, but I didn’t question it, I simply accepted.
Love is just a word we use for the experience that love IS. The light didn’t speak because there are no words that exist to label or describe its BE-ING. When the light dissipated, I audibly heard, as if I had ears, a singular male voice start singing the first few lines of a song, acapella. The melody and words were familiar, “Wonderful counselor, mighty God, everlasting Father...” The song goes on but those were the only words I heard. The verse from Isaiah 6:9 is talking about Jesus, the Prince of Peace. As that voice faded, it felt like I floated like a feather back into my body and my eyes opened. The sun had just come up. Then, I realized I was still alive! All throughout this very religious experience that didn’t seem religious at all while I was in it, I didn’t know I would come back to my body. The thing is, however spiritually amazing that experience was, I wasn’t upset to be back on earth. I was just calm and in awe. I accept that who I am spiritually has only been partially revealed to me. I don’t think as a human, I can truly understand the sheer glory and magnitude of the soul and God. I know what I need to know and the rest is faith. I trust the divine purpose of faith.
An increased sense that my life here on earth is limited. That I have a purpose waiting for me in the other side but I must be patient for the call to go home, so while I’m here to take advantage of loving myself and others unconditionally because this is not easy to do in human form but doing so is healing not only for me but others as well. What’s challenging is knowing what it’s like to be consciousness/soul without the limitations of a body/intellect and then to come back to a world with so many others (including myself) caught up in worry/fear to some degree. To know experientially what it’s like to be completely free of fear and ”worldliness” and then to come back and be subject to it personally again, and witness others go suffer through it too, feels even more oppressive. But there’s no escape, only transcendence. I’ve found myself more sensitive to pain and grief for myself and humanity which has led to even greater compassion and love, including forgiveness. My spiritual eyes have been opened to see through illusions/lies within myself, others, society, systems to see the painful truth of how we manipulate and hurt ourselves and others because we are entrenched in fear. And that fear needs to be seen and acknowledged. And the destructive things we’ve done and their consequences need to be laid bare before us so that we can feel that pain, grieve and then show ourselves compassion and unconditional love. Then we can show others true compassion and love too. This is how love transcends fear. It’s an acceptance, an integration with pure love as the driver. A return to wholeness. I believe this knowledge is a result of my experience and one that I’ve put into practice. It’s not easy peasy; it’s deep, divine and at times, gut-wrenching work. But the reward is great, like childbirth.