It was around 10:30 at night. I let my dogs out to go potty and I was out in the backyard with a flashlight.
They started barking at a raccoon so I made them go back inside. I went back out to pick up their mess and I was crying. I had a severely broken heart. My mother was kind of mean my whole life and the husband that I was so in love with had left me. I thought he was the only one that had ever loved me. I was trying to cry quietly, and I had been somewhat atheist for the past 25 years. But I was reaching out to God asking him why and saying I forgive jesse so why do I hurt so badly. And I said, "no one is ever going to love me again," and I was crying so hard I felt this horrible pain in my chest and I was having a hard time breathing. I asked God if this was how the phrase "broken heart" came to be. I wanted to die. I was torn because my two dogs would be left without someone to love them. I dropped to my knees from the pain.
Then all of a sudden this remarkably bright light surrounded me. It didn’t hurt my eyes. And millions of "souls" were holding me…and I recognized them all…and I felt so loved…they told me I would see jesse again someday.
I stood up at some point. I was looking straight ahead and my entire life and experiences were all there. In a still picture ...no such thing as time ...but I could see it all. I could see when I made someone feel good and I could feel the love and joy they felt, and when I was mean I could see and feel their pain. And I said to them (telepathically), "so there is judgment, but we judge ourselves," and they all said "yes," not in English but in my head all at once. I felt proud of when I was good and very ashamed of when I wasn’t…they said I needed to forgive myself…they (I got the impression they were God) had forgiven me immediately…and I said I couldn’t. That I needed to go back and fix things and be nice. I couldn’t believe some of my pettiness.
I understood that I was one of them, that I was part of them and also I was individual. So I was both joined and individual at the same time. I also knew that we are all connected. I would ask a question and they answered it faster than I could think of it. When I was reviewing my life, I cried when I hurt someone or something. Then I actually turned away from my life picture and realized that jesse was going to hurt when he died because of how badly he had hurt me. So I begged them not to let him hurt. I told them I wasn’t hurt anymore and I forgave him and please don’t let him hurt. They told me that they loved him too and that they would be holding him like they were me. That he would feel the unconditional complete love just as I did. And that he would have to go thru it but they would be with him and he would be okay. I pleaded with them and they said he must see his life so that he can grow.
I remember saying to them when they first held me, "oh this is what I am, I am one of you. I am pure, I am light, I am 100% love," and they said "yes." I knew I was one. I felt home. It was bliss. I understood every religion all at once. I felt my dead dog's individual presence behind me. He had passed about 5 months prior. I was so torn all of those months. They said, "you can turn around and see him," and I said, "no, I can't, I am not worthy of looking into the light. I have to go back and be better." And they said, "yes you may. You must forgive yourself, you must and you will." And I said, "I can’t." They said, "you will." I could think of any question and I knew the answer, immediately. I asked if suicide didn’t send you to hell and I instantly knew that you ended up with them the same way. the difference is the pain you feel when reviewing your life. If your loved ones suffered for the remainder of their life on earth, you would have a harder time forgiving yourself.
I felt bad for not being super sweet to a dog we had, and I was never really mean to him. I just wasn’t loving to him. We had given him away. I finally felt okay about every animal that had ever died now because I knew they were fine. I also knew we are all connected, including animals, plants, the universe. They forgive everyone immediately. We are the ones that punish ourselves. They hurt for us. I asked about murderers and knew they were also made out of love and had a horrible time forgiving themselves. I felt so sorry for them. They felt so much emotional pain.
The light people, they were millions of these "souls" or "light people," millions, like enough to fill the universe. Everything alive has a soul. I knew I just borrow this body. I know this life is a gift for me to experience things. I know now that my job is to be kind and to lead by example…not to ever judge…never judge…but I still do. So much happened in about 15 minutes. There was a lot more, maybe I can fill it in as I recall more things.
Anyhow all of a sudden I was standing on my lawn in the back in this 3 dimensional world and I was laughing. This place looks so fake now. I know I am trapped in this gift of a body. I am homesick and I talk to them. They have answered me once, in my head. Mostly, they just make sure I’m okay. I immediately started looking this up in my computer and I knew I was blessed.
The rest of the week was crazy. I could hear birds doing the weiredest sounds. I heard a banana make a sound of escaping gas when I opened it. I got a check in the mail for $289. From the gas and electric company. I went to Smart and Final for this roasted chicken and I was prepared to be disappointed because they were usually sold out at that time. And this man across the store held up a chicken at me and I shook my head. He yelled, "lady, stay there," and he brought it. Then he said, "lady, I don’t know you and I am not religious, but God told me to bring you this chicken." And he left. And I hate casinos but I went with my boss later that week and she was playing slots and I was bored and I would look at the machines and one winked at me. I told her to play it because it winked and she said no. Then she lost a lot of money so we went to a different area, again I was bored and a machine winked at me. I told her to play it and she said no, machines don’t wink. She lost more money and we left. The next day she wanted to go back and I said no. I said I would watch the store. She owned a dealership. She usually takes about 5 hours, but this time she was back in about 90 minutes. She came in the door and said, "you wont believe it, a machine winked at me and I played it and I won 21k and I cashed out and left." I smiled and said, “that’s the only time it will ever wink.” I knew God gave her back her money. Then jesse called me. I was shocked because he was never going to speak to me. He said he had a heart attack and it was around 10:30 at night on the same Sunday night that I had my NDE. He had been in the hospital all week. My life, well, actually I have been different ever since. I’m weird now. I read all the time. Science, history, nature, anything, as long as it is factual. Everything is completely different now.