For four minutes on 1 December 2012 I experienced what happens when we die.
When I was twenty-one I had a spiritual experience from taking a drug. The mind was completely switched off and I experienced my consciousness as not separate from every atom in the universe. I vowed to myself that I would find a way back there without mood-altering chemicals. I let go of alcohol, drugs and pills entirely when I was twenty-four years old. I started experimenting with meditation, sometimes in groups but also at home. In 2012 I turned thirty-two. By that time I had found that lying on my back while consciously relaxing for days at a time allowed me to start crying. Density emptied out of the heart, solar plexus and abdominal tissue, revealing their true nature of being infused with light. In late November I conducted a three-day session whereby I became almost completely relaxed. I was concentrating powerfully on the sensation of the breath passing over the upper lip.
I would not recommend this method to anyone else; I got myself into trouble crying on my own.
I decided that I would not initiate the next in-breath with the mind. I would let the breath go out and out and the heart would have to initiate the next breath. In that way I hoped the entire heart would unclench. Like a surfer watching for the bigger seventh wave I waited for a particularly deep and relaxed breath. Eventually it came, and I watched the slow exhale without interfering. Thirty seconds. I was listening to a nice Buddhist monk speak while I did this, and he was certainly a man of knowledge. This listening helped to distract my conscious mind. One minute. I watched the breath, focusing solely on the sensation of breath passing the upper lip. Ninety seconds.
The mind started to scream for oxygen. I ignored, staying only with my one focal point at the upper lip, thus in the present moment also. The heart started to glow brighter and brighter. Two minutes. I did not care that the mind was screaming for oxygen. I was desperate. I clung on to the breath over the upper lip like a barnacle to a rock. Two and a half minutes. At this point the heart was sparking and flashing like a ball of tin foil in the microwave. I know today that it is because there was still so much density in it. It was very unwise for me to be pushing so hard when my body contained still so much density; but I did not yet know that. Three minutes. The mind was now absolutely screaming in mortal terror. I felt that I stood on the edge of a precipice. A black void yawned before me. If I jumped I would die. Or I could initiate breath with the mind. I jumped.
There were three seconds or so of abject terror - the terror of being held underwater against your will when you have no oxygen. And then it happened.
The innermost chamber of the heart flew open. A massive force grabbed hold of me, like a giant hand in a Terry Gilliam cartoon from Monty Python that extends out of the sky to wrap around a person and pick them up. My mind was sucked instantly through the portal at the innermost chamber. I was terrified yet by now could no longer move for the force was so powerful. I felt that I traversed galaxies in an instant. Then I saw myself approaching a light brighter than a thousand suns and knew that I would be annihilated in it.
And so it was. Like dark cloud dissolving in sunlight I dissipated, evaporated clean away. Damien was completely gone, destroyed in the Light. And then I knew. I WAS the Light. My true nature at the centre of my heart WAS the Light. It was the same for every human being. Imagine an ocean, but instead of water the ocean is made of solid white light. And instead of seashores the ocean is infinite. And instead of you floating in the ocean you ARE the ocean. That is the truth I experienced. For four minutes I knew my true nature. I was this Light, composed of infinite compassion, infinite love and infinite knowledge. I knew all that had ever been and all that ever would be. I saw that we come into the dream of human existence over and over and over again, each time learning a little more how to let go and be loved. I saw how overpopulated the world is, how this crowded condition makes it impossible for human beings to exist as themselves. Our hearts are clenched shut in cities. We need closeness to nature, closeness with family and friends, and intimacy with a spouse.
I saw that we are not separate from God. The concept of a higher power is an invention of the mind. In the heart it is impossible to have any thought at all. Every human being’s true nature is the divine, is the Light, is God. We are not separate. Every single thing in this universe is a projection of the mind and therefore illusory. I saw that it is the most sacred destiny to be born as a rainbow being. I saw that originally we had a revered and sacred role in the tribes; to remember the oral history of the ancestors, to be healers, to perform the sacred ancestral stories, but most of all to meditate and be a link between the tribe and the Light. And the sustenance for that meditation was sharing intimacy with a committed lover. Physical closeness with a spouse is the best preparation for the body to let go. I saw how my own English ancestors had outlawed the Biblical act of “sodomy”, making it punishable by death for centuries under law. They singled out this act, when it is only a small part of the sharing of physical intimacy between one man and another. I saw how humans, in an effort to survive in an increasingly overpopulated environment, developed weapons to kill other groups. I saw indigenous, heart-centered cultures decimated or destroyed completely, the survivors fragmented and bitter, often turning to substance abuse, violence and promiscuity as they needed to anaesthetise their pain. I saw my ancestors developing an ideal for human gender roles that was increasingly separate from actual human needs. All from the mind.
I saw that the rainbow community would be at the heart of returning to the Light. Increasingly humans would look for true answers, a way to cope with all the horrors of overpopulation. Rainbow men, especially those free from a desire for children, would rediscover the ancient knowledge that to return to the Light permanently, all that was needed were the conditions we prescribe for those who are dying. I learned much from reading about Edward Carpenter and his partner George Merrill. Then I discovered Harry Hay and the Radical Faeries movement to return to our roots in rural areas, eschewing the harms of urban living. I saw myself one day living with my destined husband in a simple two-room dwelling at the foot of a green hill. There was ample silence to feed off. We also ate mostly raw materials free from animal products. There was clean water available close by. Gadgets figured but little in our lives. My body was muscular and powerful, tended with gentle exercise. I dwelled at the centre of my heart and loved my husband with all my being, and he I. I rented out property that I might live simply in an overcrowded world.
So established, I saw that I could initiate a conscious dying. My activity level would decrease as I prepared for retreat. I would rest more and more, allowing all density to leave my body in tears. Intimacy with my husband would allow me to return to complete heart-centredness, just like an infant or someone who has let go completely at the end of life. I saw my internal organs burning with solid white light. And finally, in this safe nest with him, I saw my mind absorbed back through the portal inside the innermost chamber of the heart, and destroyed permanently for all time. I would not need to come back again for another lifetime.
Now it is 2016; nearly four years have passed since this experience. I have left that job and lived in India for a year. I tried to find an enlightened being there but failed. I found only people who wanted to use me. So I returned to my loving family in New Zealand. I have had a few boyfriends for a while but my attachment to my mother has gotten in the way. Also I have not found anyone who wishes to live simply in the country like I have described. I still have a problem with being overly attached to my mother. She has always had health issues and we have a complicated history. I am seeking extra support to help me let go of her. I hope that by persevering with my destiny my example will inspire her. I have tried living in the country but found no single men my age except some who were dependent on alcohol or drugs. I have tried living in the city… that is worse. But I am certain I will find my place, am certain that the Light as expressed through other human beings is every day guiding me closer back to itself, to myself.
I saw that this was meant to be the easiest and most relaxed process in the world. I saw that there were rainbow beings who hungered to return to the Light as I did, and that I would gradually find my way to these people. I would not be a teacher, nor a student. We would simply share our experience one-on-one or in small groups. I saw that the main reason I had been given this experience was to help other people. I saw that we are all moving towards enlightenment in perfect time and that it is best to go together without harming myself or others.
I hope you will experience the Light this lifetime. All you need is the desire and you will find your way. Remember every human being, every second is pushing you to let go and be loved, to return to your true nature as the Light. Once you have had even a taste on the tip of your tongue of returning Home, of breathing with your entire being through the innermost chamber, of the Light…. you can never be the same again. Nothing will matter to you except wishing to return Home forever.