A short while ago, I told one of my sisters about a dream I had that she and another sister were telling me that we had been sexually abused by our mother. In the dream, I was denying this, stating that possibly she knew, but I really didn't think she did it. I was not emotional in the dream,
and not in denial about the abuse, just the perpetrator. I have no specific recall of any sexual abuse, though I do remember other strange events that seemed inappropriate for my mother to be doing to me.
Two nights after the dream, I reported this to my sister. She gasped and said she had just starting writing a blog about our having been abused. I was unaware of this. We talked about it briefly, and a couple of things she said seemed to ring true.
I had been listening to a Tibetan Healing Bowl CD for relaxation for about a week prior. I noticed a deeply hypnotic effect on me. So, I was able to soothe myself with this.
The next evening, I traveled to a prearranged meeting with someone that I consider inspirational. I was waiting until I felt better about my life and about myself [post-breakup depression]. I have not practiced my Roman Catholic upbringing, though I had been raised a strict Catholic. It was a holy day.
I was playing the relaxing CD, and started to think of what my sister said. I did not want to push the possibility away, so, in the deeply relaxed state, I asked myself to frame up the possibility in some manner that would allow me to get as close as possible to actually allowing it into my head. The only way I could do that was if I assumed it had something to do with love or feeling loved, and that I would have enjoyed it. I relaxed into that feeling, and told myself as I relaxed that I was a good person, and that if this was a possibility, it would be better to accept and let it out than stay in denial.
As I did that, I got a picture in my head as an adult woman with my mother. This was very difficult feeling, but since it was the image that came into my head, I chose to not deny it, but to relax and to just see where this took me.
The next thought was a guided reminder that I thought it would have had to have been pleasurable or I would not have been able to feel safe enough to consider it. Very quickly, I felt a sense of movement, sort of like being knocked over by a wall...I felt that I was swirling or being pulled..I got a image of a large, dark, whirlpool, that was mostly cold energy, swirling...I could see a edge and the opening to a tunnel...my sensation was of watch two people morphing into one person...and as I went over the edge...it was just me.
There was a tremendous sense of darkness and falling..there was a lot of vibration..I had a sense of being in two places...falling through a tunnel without a bottom in sight and picking up speed..and a terrible sense of vibration in my actual body..I could feel my head shaking violently side to side...I calmed myself and told myself I was safe...I was not dying, to relax...and then I returned to the tunnel...
I was still falling with a sense of increasing vibration...my entire body was shaking...very suddenly, I noticed that the tunnel had an edge that was outlined by pure white light...it looked like solar radiation or multiple solar flares, but the colors were just black and white...so visually it was more like an eclipse of the moon with flares of moonlight...
The light was my only visual reference that I was gaining speed. The vibration was becoming tremendous and I suddenly felt ..."How long is this going to go on...I don't know how much more I can stand.." Instantly, I was in nothing but white light, no movement, no sound, and just a sense of being aware of existing, but also a sense of something else invisible being in the white stillness with me...also aware, and we were both aware of each other and there were no words....
I do not remember if this thought occurred while in the white area, or after I came to consciousness, but it was the distance sense that everything that is is connected.
Immediately after that, I said in words to my mother (deceased since June 2012)...Mom, I forgive you. I am so sorry you suffered with this guilt. I forgive myself too. I am sorry you bore all the responsibility for this. It is okay to let go now. I am okay. You do not have to worry anymore. It just "Is". I am okay. I love you.
Since then, I see much deeper into everything. I have been very peaceful. I am looking for appropriate counseling that will look have a balanced perspective of body, mind and spirit. It does not matter as much to me what actually happened as what I do with the experience, and I continue to want to be the best person that I can be. The sense of the connectedness of everything has provided huge insights, and I believe has something to do with evolving as a species.