NDE Accounts

Archive through September 28, 2003


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, September 28, 2003 - 12:02 pm:

Back in the spring of 1992 I was going through a custody battle with my ex-husband over the custody of my two young sons. The experience was very stressful for me and at times I considered suicide but never made any plan or attempt to take my own life.

One day I came home from work and feeling exhausted I laid down on my bed to rest. I have no idea how long I'd been lying there but the next thing I remember was a feeling of being lifted up very quickly. Above me I could see a bright blue sky and clouds that were as white as you can imagine. The sun was shining brightly and the sky looked just beautiful. My ascent was so quick I could feel the pressure on my body and the force of the wind against me. As I sped through the white clouds I remember saying, "Please don't drop me". I wasn't really afraid but knew that I had no control over where I was or what was happening to me. I didn't see or hear anyone or anything but the clouds and the beautiful blue sky but somehow I knew it was God lifting me up and I was in his hands. All at once when I said that I started to descend back to earth again at a very rapid pace. Its funny because I never felt that I stopped rising before I started to fall it just happened. It didn't hurt but I could feel the pressure and the wind on me somewhat like feeling the gravitational pull when you are on a roller coaster.

When I woke up I was stiff and it took a few seconds before I could move. I raised my head and looked down at my arms and legs and they were stretched out as straight as a board on the bed. I could still feel the pressure from the force at which I'd been moving and it took awhile before I could move my limbs. When I finally did I just laid there wondering what had happened to me. I looked over at my clock to see how long it had been since I laid down but to this day I remember seeing the clock but for some reason it never registered in my head what time it was or how long I'd been there.

It's been 11 years since I had that experience and I still remember it like it was yesterday and wish someone could explain what happened to me.
If any of your followers are familiar with this type of experience they can contact me. Thank you.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, September 23, 2003 - 02:33 pm:

The first thing I remember happening, is that I am all of a sudden outside the kitchen window on our farm. I believe this occurred when I was in the Hospital for two weeks during and after my surgery.

There was a glow from the east horizon that leads me to believe dawn was breaking, but what I remember most is the feelings. I was me, but I wasn't. I was not afraid, and normally, I was terrified of the dark, and was not at all concerned about being outside our kitchen window. I remember I light glow from the window, probably our night light, and I had no interest in going back inside. I could hear everything, the sound of crickets I remember, and other sounds, as if they were magnified. I could look around me, and I did a slow peripheral once around, although I do not remember how. I was confused, because although I recognized home, I knew I was not where I needed to be. There was a feeling almost of disassociation that I can not explain. And I was a child totally bonded to family and my siblings. I gradually remember feeling an awareness that I needed to go " up the hill". I do not understand this, although we were situated on the side of a hill, and up the hill would have been north. I only knew I had to go up the hill. I saw no one that I can remember, I don't remember waking from this experience, but I remember so clearly that once the realization that I had to go up the hill was firmly established, I felt the top of my head suctioned (that's the only way I can describe it) and I felt myself pulled with incredible swiftness and force. I can't remember where.

I did not have a clue what happened until I read an excerpt many years later in the Reader's digest, about Raymond Moody's book, and it described some of the features.

I have had some very strange experiences since, but the one most notable is, under a moment of extreme duress, I had my wedding ring melt on my finger. I still have this ring, and my daughter was present with me when it happened.

I can't explain it, nor my other experiences, but I feel sometimes that I live apart from others because of how I feel about life. I have an extreme desire to help other people who are in need, feel differently about some of the things that are important in life, and no one to really talk to about the things that I consider so important. I take for granted a lot of what happens in an out of the ordinary way, but I still have curiosity about it.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, September 22, 2003 - 10:50 am:

I was in the reserve medical forces (Territorial Army Medical Corp) and had plenty of training and experience of hillwalking all over the United Kingdom. I'd been part of the team that won the UK TAMC hillwalking competitions twice in a row, were prior 2nd and was one of the strongest members of the team. The year prior I'd also walked from Exeter to London (180 miles) in 7 days - no backup. Walking was my strength.

In October 1988 set off early in morning from nearest Youth Hostel (where I'd spent the night) to hike up Eire's Highest Peek. I was prepared carrying in approximately 6 miles a full pack.

Started the ascent along track by side of stream - mid morning. Reached the path in front of the Lough up the stream to the saddle. It must have been early afternoon now. Ascended to the peek, came back down to the saddle and route up looked too steep to attempt with full pack and no rope - checked map and decided to walk along ridges and down at the end where descent not so steep. Into walk wind picked up mist came down and exhaustion started to set in - mid/late afternoon.

Decided to rest a little - used up last of water and few remaining food supplies. Temperature and visibility dropped radically rain picked up as too wind chill factor. I needed to abandon the ridge a.s.a.p. and had to rely purely on compass bearings over rocky steep terrain, with map showing I was in the area of shear cliff drops.

Now, exhausted, cold, wet, no food water, exposed and in a geographically risky situation. I had no choice but in later afternoon to try and sit it out! At first, plenty of shivering but this quickly reduced to nil, as I didn't have the energy left to shiver. My extremities initially felt freezing and this gradually extended from fingers, toes and face, to hands, feet, legs, arms, body, then nothing. By this time I was drifting in and out of 'sleep' seeing myself elsewhere then finding myself back on the mountain. I'd tried the international distress signal but the wind blew the sound back to me and each time I blew it meant exposing my face to the elements. The mist was so thick that the touch light - used to signal, was also bounced back. There was no way I was coming off this mountain alive. I knew it and I resigned myself to it.

I thought that now I was to die what did this hold? If I were to die and there was no afterlife then it held nothing for me - but, if there were an afterlife, whom would I want to see? That person was my Grandmother. She was a devout Christian and I realized that if she were right she'd be in Heaven and that I was far from a state of grace and as such would not be going to heaven if there were a heaven. So, I prayed for forgiveness and that I would be put out of my suffering and I prayed for those I'd leave behind. I don't know what time it was by now and I had made my piece with God and the world.

Then it happened, I don't know how long it actually lasted, it seemed like a split second but before it happened it was completely dark and after dawn was starting to break.

I found myself -who/whatever myself was without a body completely surrounded by a bright white light unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. There was no floor, walls, ceiling just the light. And the emotions - the closest word to it I can think of filled me with such overwhelming peace, joy - Love. Like nothing I'd explored before or since! In front of me stood a person in a white robe draping down to his feet. His arms were outstretched and behind him was a cross - but not of wood, of something I do not know. He looked at me and I was in a state of immense peace, as too he and I knew him to be Jesus. There were no remains of the crucifixion physically on him and I have since learned to recognize his state as being post the transfiguration. I was dead.

Suddenly, I was back on the mountain, dawn was about to break, and I was cold, exhausted, and thirsty beyond belief and famished. Yet, shortly after dawn the mist began to break and I found myself perched on a small ledge over what must have been a three hundred-foot sheer drop. To one side, very close, I could make out a sheep track that could safely lead me off the mountain.

I don't to this day know where I found the strength from to come the 4 miles down and back out to civilization and I still even now have lost sensation in all my fingertips being left only with a continual feeling of pins and needles. I was a pagan when I went up and came down a devout Christian and continue to remain so.

My family and friends couldn't believe what had happened and tended not to believe me or wrote it of as some sort of post traumatic stress disorder. So, for the past 15 years I've kept it to myself, my wife and my mother-in-law (devout Christian) as I don't want to risk being given some sort of a 'mental illness label', or loss of confidence from those whom I live and work with. Until these last few days, I thought I was the only one, or of very few.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Saturday, September 20, 2003 - 10:44 pm:

July 3, 1999 1:12 am. I borrowed a new motorcycle and was travelling at a high rate of speed in an area that I knew well.

I wrecked the motorcycle (high sided) and my body flew approx. 128 feet. At point of rest, I struck my head on a curb. (And no I wasn't wearing a helmet.) I had a serious head injury and I do not remember anything for the next 25 or so days.

I was in a coma for the majority of that time. My Neurosurgeon advised me, when I met him unmediated, that I died twice on the O/R table.

One of my first conscious thoughts after I came out of the coma was to look for my mother, who died in '84. And to look for a best friend, who was killed in '94. I had conscious thought and knowledge at the time that they were both deceased. I still looked for them, and I could feel them with me. I had the feeling of both my mother and friend being with me for several days, then the feeling dissipated.

I often wondered if the feeling of my friend and mother because of the head injury, or an actual life event. Currently, I have strong feelings that they were with me and helped me survive my injuries.

In addition, I wonder if I had an out of body experience and fail to remember that event.



View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Saturday, September 20, 2003 - 11:49 am:

I had hemorrhoid banding and ended up with a blood infection, gained 150pounds of fluid, died on the operating table, life-flighted to Pittsburgh and unconscious for three weeks. When I became conscious I recognized my family but I had lost memory. I still have memory loss of experiences related to a time before the event.

During the unconscious state, I remember darkness and peace. Following the experience and during recovery I never felt fear...I wanted to get on with my life and I felt an intense desire to do so. I was frustrated by my memory loss...such familiar things as not recognizing familiar people, not recognizing familiar places. Much of this is returning in bits and pieces.

At the same time of my recovery my life was changing. I lost my job...the hospital closed...I was in the process of taking over an outpatient drug and alcohol program and maintained some clinical responsibilities and volunteer roles. I was pulled back into these roles with great acceptance which helped my recovery. In spite of the unfamiliarity I was anxious to get back into my life. My family tells me this was always my style but I have a greater sense of purpose and a willingness to challenge the status quo and to focus on relationships and a central core of values. I am also more willing to resist the desire to focus on money or power and to resist the desire to condemn or criticize. I also feel myself going into depression at times but have through my struggles (life purposes) and engagement into these struggles I can always pull myself out of them.

My engagements are more fulfilling and they tend to focus on helping others. Or being engaged in a struggle that is bigger than me, my family core and extended. I am Director of an failing Outpatient Drug and Alcohol Rehab, Private practice with a range of individuals including a new direction thrown to me...assessing overweight individuals seeking gastric bypass. I am president of the Local Mental Health Association struggling to raise $300 for new center and I am president of a Partnership on Aging, an organization focused on Culture Change in how we deal with older adults. And finally I am helping to lead a task force to cope with substance abuse in our children. These are overwhelming at times, but I have found that my experiences over the last several years has given me a way of coping...mostly through connectedness with the good caring people attached to each.

I have begun to connect with several individuals of faith who are also providing treatment...attempting to blend their faith and goal of helping others cope with mental health concerns. I have also made a connection with an old friend and mentor, a psychoanalyst who is spreading his understanding of the role of rejection in the formation of mental health and substance abuse problems and the need for acceptance in healing the wounds. This simple concept I believe has such powerful implications in bridging the formal mental health field and the core of faith/spirituality. I am just now beginning, through this process to get a sense of a higher power.

Thank you for the opportunity to express myself even though unorganized. I found your sight because I was looking for some material for a radio show I have been asked to be part of in this County...On Death.
Thank You!!!


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, September 19, 2003 - 10:42 am:

I was hit head-on by a large auto. I was in a small compact car. I was not drinking. The last thing I remember was leaving a town, about 8 miles from home. The next thing I remember, it was almost 2 months later and I was in a hospital.

The first thing I did when awaking that particular morning was ask the nurse where I was. I knew it was a hospital. I asked her if I had died, twice. To please check my records, I knew I had, but didn't know how. She explained to me, how long I had been there, a car accident and my injuries. I had a Traumatic Brain injury, internal bleeding, broken jaw (2 places) sprained neck and back, left leg (6 broken bones), right leg (3 broken bones) & and had three operations to repair the total loss of the heel on the right foot. It was first said that I would not live. Swelling on the brain was extensive. Then I would be either a vegetable or permanent amnesia, (I did suffer short term memory loss for almost three years before it was okay). Family and friends say I still do, however, I do not realize it.

The accident happened at night and it was dark.

My first episode: I felt very cold, (it was Sept. 4th), I felt horrible pain, suddenly a very bright light came to me from above. I left my body, I had no pain, I was warm, the further I went the brighter and more at peace I felt. Suddenly I was in a large room. There is no way to accurately describe it, except BEAUTIFUL!! The walls were not solid. They looked like a soft mist. And the color!! It was soft pastel rainbow colors, is the best I can tell you. I could see shadows of what looked like people behind the wall. I stopped in the center completely at peace. I felt a tug, I cried out NO! I knew I was going back, and I did not want to. The further I returned, I could begin to feel cold and I could feel pain again. Suddenly I knew I was back and I knew I was going to die if I stayed. I couldn't handle the pain. Again the tunnel appeared. It was glorious. It was even more beautiful and remarkable the second time. As I entered the room I kept going completely to the wall and I stopped. I could put my hand through it, and there is no way I can describe the wonder and emotion I felt. I just knew I wanted to go in. In front of me, just behind the mist, was the most beautiful thing I have ever beheld. It was a large vibrant glowing peaceful figure, and I KNEW it was HOLY. I put my hand in, I could feel His, I asked if I could please enter. The most wonderful sound came to me; "Your work isn't finished yet". I said, "but I can't handle the pain". Again He spoke, "Don't worry, I'll take care of you". I felt a tug, I wasn't scared, as I left, it did get darker, but I felt no pain.

He kept his promise; I went through the worst of my healing and don't remember any of it. This is and always will be the most wonderful experience of my life. I am convinced then and now, it was My Higher Power talking to me.

I only wish I knew, is there a special project or mission I am supposed to be doing? Am I missing what I am to finish, or was it just to live day to day life and LIVE? I DON'T KNOW???????????? That bothers me.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 09:09 pm:

I was taken to a dark room and placed on a slab. Then, a man came in and spoke to me about my condition. He was dressed in a black hooded shroud very satanic. He said he could help me...help me with what? I don’t know to this day what I needed his help with. He left my sight & I started to look around the area I was in. It was what looked like a mid-evil dungeon. The next thing I know the man returns with a woman and tells me that they can help. And then cuts off both my legs. Puts my body and legs in a box and seals the box. I then watch the box with me in side of it put in the back of a wagon and taken to a furnace and put into it. Once the box is put in I found my-self in the box with flames licking at me.

I then awoke in a hospital bed. 2 weeks had passed.

My last memories were of riding my motorcycle on the evening of May 11, 1997 and then it was the afternoon of May 27. I was in the hospital bed with a broken foot, both legs, back, hand and skull.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - 08:55 pm:

After having a routine colonoscopy, I experienced moderate left shoulder pain. I was told to go home and rest.

My husband became alarmed later as I was having trouble breathing and took me to the ER.

After a work up it was discovered I had a ruptured spleen and significant blood lost and was rushed to the operating room. I knew people were talking right in front of me but they sounded far away.

The next thing I knew the pain was gone and I was standing on a very narrow ledge. I had the feeling that there was darkness and a void behind me. I had on a long robe and my arms were out stretched as if I was going to fly. I had the most peaceful feeling and I was overjoyed that the pain was gone. Wind blew my hair and I felt so cool and relaxed. In front of me was a beautiful lake, the color of green/blue was overwhelming. On the surface at the horizon was a bright silver sphere with triangles projecting. It reminded me of the sunrise. From the sphere a bright silver ribbon flowed to the water's edge. I looked down and the water was just gently lapping toward my toes, my feet were bare. I tried very hard to move forward but I was glued to the spot, I just knew if I could get to the water I would be lifted up on the water and float to the sphere. But try I as I may I could not move my feet.

The next thing I know is I wake up and I am in the ICU unit, having lost close to 6 pints of blood.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, September 12, 2003 - 05:38 pm:

About four-five years ago I developed a very bad blood infection that went undiagnosed until the point I became deathly ill. The illness had progressed to the point where I was in critical condition. I was terminally ill and at one point actually felt impending death and that I could indeed be dying. There was nothing comforting, or peaceable about the experience, as I was not prepared, nor willing, to accept this end game.

I believe that I may have experienced this near death experience, but it certainly wasn't as described by more glamorous and transcendental depictions. I remember lying in my hospital bed feeling morbid and frankly borderline deathly. I became defensive and determined against these feelings and would not allow myself to give in emotionally, or psychologically, to them. I resisted and it was a labored process, a literal mental struggle, to resist these foreboding feelings from taking over my processes.

It was late nighttime and I was very concerned about falling asleep and the sensations that then started seemed very real and very much out of my control. I started drifting, in full awareness, into this non-sleep/non-dream like state that was totally unlike fully awake cognizance/reality. I distinctly remember a feeling of heightened awareness that what was happening to me I wasn't prepared for and wasn't ready to give in to and that I needed to resist with as great of effort as possible to overcome if I could. I was determined as the saying goes to not go down without a fight. These feelings, this altered consciousness, became more powerful -- actually more aptly described as more enveloping -- and I had a very real and remembered feeling of separating from my body just as reported by other people.

I seemed to be floating above my body, able to visually see the environs of my hospital room and slowly drifting towards the lighted doorway and the ward hallway. In this state I knew what was taking place and what was going to happen to me. And I resisted and it took an immensely powerful psychological and emotional struggle against what was taking place. I was not prepared to die. I would not accept it. I was a single father with a then 8-year-old son that my death would have been catastrophic. I had a feeling that it was imperative to get back into my body and to get 'awake' to overcome and offset and survive this ordeal. I kept struggling to resist against the pull that was drawing me to the lighted doorway. The lighted doorway was just that, a lighted doorway because the room was dark as others were asleep, it was late at night and the hall lights were on. They could not be confused with past reports of bright lights and tunneling. At no point was there any of those sensations, or feelings of euphoria. I kept telling myself in very strong feelings that I needed to resist without any trepidation, or halting hesitation to survive. I began verbally asserting my outrageous opposition to what was pulling me and that I was determined to prevail. It was an undeniable recognition that I must get back into my body and to return to a 'normal' cognitive reality in order to not die. I can't say 'asleep', or 'awaken' because these states and terminology didn't describe the state, the reality, that I was in and experiencing and it was very real.

I remember that everything seemed in slow yet perceptible motion and during my struggles this forward progress seemed to have been stopped by some unknown influence. I can't say whether it was my struggles, or my reluctance to give in to the processes I was experiencing that aborted this 'journey', or some other unworldly and never made aware to me at any time unknown whatever that stopped the process for whatever reason, but the next thing I know, the exact moment my forward motion progress had stopped, I was back in my body and wide awake. Sort of.

It was a completely alien state of awareness that I was in for a moment. I knew that I had returned to my body, but yet my spirit, my being, and my non-physical composition (my whatever) was seemingly out of sync with my physical body. It just seemed like my body, mind and spirit were out of sync and all needed to become re-engaged to become 'whole' again. As soon as everything seemed 'tuned' I was fully back and in control and quite beside myself. I knew what I had just experienced and I wasn't prepared to accept it. And I knew that what I had experienced was indeed very real and had actually taken place.

What I'm not certain of is whether my struggles caused the return to my physical body, or some unknown entity allowed me to return. A feeling I have is that my struggles made it become apparent I wasn't prepared, nor a willing participant to what was taking place and the process was therefore allowed to be stopped.

I can tell you unequivocally the process is for real. And I can also tell you that I haven't been the same since. It had a profound effect on how I perceive the experience of life and the transient nature of it and that I don't feel that I've fully recovered in a clinical definition from the experience, that it had a definite medical effect on my capacities.

This was a very powerful and evocative experience. There was nothing surreal, or subjective about what happened -- it is there waiting as a part of and a fact of existence.

For whatever it is worth...


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, September 8, 2003 - 10:27 pm:

I'm a 52 year old senior in Western Washington University's Human Services baccalaureate program out of Bellingham, Washington. I just finished reading Dr. Barbara Rommer's Blessings in Disguise; I was introduced to the book by a study group presentation in a Loss, Grief, & Bereavement class. Your book answered so many questions for me. Although I knew that I had experienced an NDE, I didn't fully realize what had happened to me or how profoundly it had affected my life. Now I understand why I'm not so troubled by death, why I'm not materialistic, and why I'm so accepting and nonjudgmental of people and situations. I haven't been angry in so long and I couldn't fathom why; I thought there had to be something wrong with me. There is so much I'd like to add, but this letter is already too long and I'm sure you've got your hands full. I wrote the following piece about two years after NDE/LTP happened. For a long time afterwards, even a passing thought about the experience would trigger a severe panic repose. I wrote this for a college English 101 class; the assignment was to write about a significant personal event. Luckily the instructor wasn't too freaked out! I haven't changed what I wrote for this class, but I have added a few notes.

Ian Flemming (James Bond) wrote "You only live twice, once when you're born and once when you stare death in the face". Among humankind, the rarest encounter with death is to transcend it through an afterlife experience. Most who return to tell the tale, describe a long tunnel ending in a bright and majestic Light: illuminating, expanding, and enlightening. There is a dark side to this experience that few survive, spoken of only in whispers. I journeyed down this dark path and stood at the crossroads of life and horrible death. It was a significant event, clouded in the mists of the spiritual. More than life changing, it signaled the beginning of life returned - a last chance to dwell among the living instead of languishing among the undead. [It was such a blessing to read Rommer's book and discover that my experience wasn't unique. Finally understanding what happened to me has enabled me to be grateful for who I am instead of apprehensive about being different.]

My journey began as a child of the 50's, born to parents radical for their time. I was raised in a world of beatniks, folk songs, art galleries, and social protest. Such a liberal and progressive upbringing should have prepared me to accept the 60's Hippie Movement as a logical extension of my avant-garde beginnings. My twin brothers (a year younger than me) grew into adulthood unscathed and well balanced. I would have too, but for one fatal flaw, one genetic trait, one lethal predisposition; I was born with a profoundly addictive personality. In the free flowing drug scene of the 60's, I found the destruction of my life.

Years followed years that followed years. Marriages that began with bright promise, ended in pain and confusion. Career goals waned with time, abandoned amidst failure and panic. Children loved, but lost in forgetfulness. Geographical moves from state to state and country to country. Ever seeking and never finding, but always hounded by the specter of addiction. The lifestyle of the confirmed addict takes its toll. It's sad to look back and realize that I've outlived most of my youthful contemporaries. Alas, all nightmares come to an inevitable end. After 30-something years of use and abuse, I was an emaciated mental degenerate, spiritually demoralized and lost in addiction. I was no longer employable, no longer able to fend for myself, and no longer in touch with the here and now. Reality and I had long since come to a parting of the ways.

Alone and despondent in a room at a nameless motel, I prepared once again to escape reality into a separate and secret world of magic and light, with a massive injection of chemicals. [For several years I'd been using lethal doses of cocaine as a trigger to move my spirit onto the astral plane] Suddenly, it was as if I stood beside myself, watching as some part of me seized control - injecting many times the amount intended. This was no accident, and I was powerless to prevent it. I watched in shock and amazement as I took my own life with a lethal overdose. Can the subconscious mind commit suicide? I hadn't made a conscious plan to take my life. I hadn't followed the ritual giving away of treasured belongings. I hadn't said those veiled good-byes. I hadn't surrendered to the euphoria that is part of the last and final decision to suicide out. I believed I was merely attempting one more temporary reprieve from painful reality. But in truth, some part of me was determined to die.

Glaring and fierce colors whirling with insanity...
A violent rending away...
Falling deeper and deeper into the abyss...
No anchor in reality...
No tether to the real world...
No lifeline, no escape, no return...
Doom and terror...
A vast and cavernous realm
Awash with twisted and morbid images...
Madness, malevolent madness...
In the midst, I beheld the Entity...

We humans are endowed with an amazing system of checks and balances that protect us from memories too intense and threatening to recall. Until recently, if my thoughts drifted into this chapter of my life, I would curl up in the fetal position, eyes wide in stark terror... Further details of this incident are still thankfully closed to me - except for this message delivered in a voice seething with malice:
"Fool! Years ago I offered you power, prestige, and position. You could have enslaved, manipulated, and controlled in my name. In your pitiful arrogance, you thought to turn me down, but I've stalked you all these years. You thought yourself on a quest for a 'Separate Reality'. This was my second and secret offer. You bought the pain without the pleasure. Fool! You bought the deception! I had you without having to play out false promises. In accepting the Quest - you sold your soul! You are mine! Your life is forfeit!" [Note: I stood looking up at an entity that looked similar to the Balrog in the Lord of the Rings movie (I briefly panicked when I saw that on the movie screen!) I don't remember fear as much as a desolate resignation and utter hopelessness.]

Was it live or was it Memorex? Was it a legitimate spiritual experience, or the drug drenched ravings of a madman? The Entity's vicious reminder of an offer of power refused so long ago pulled this incident into active memory.
I remember turning that offer down on the eve of my first marriage. I also understood its reference to the Quest. Early in my addiction, I'd surrendered myself to the whole "tune in, turn on, and drop out" 60's drug mentality. Timothy Leary and Carlos Castaneda showed me the way and the "Berkley Barb", the "Haight-Ashbury Oracle", and the "San Francisco Free Press" gave me how-to instructions in vivid detail. Now the Quest to transcend time and space, to cross over into a "Separate Reality", was revealed to be a lie. My thirty-six year chemical trek towards enlightenment was destined to fail from the very beginning... by design! I was left holding an empty bag.

I don't know how long I was absent from my body, nor do I know with any certainty how I was able to return. [Note: A bargain was struck that allowed me to return to my body - by whom and what the details were have not been revealed to me. I know that if I ever return, there will be no second escape.] I remember coming to consciousness a day or two later, still alone in that motel room.

I felt totally despondent over the years of seemingly irreparable harm that I'd done to my mind and body, chasing after something that was never there to begin with. What a waste! I'd like to be able to say that I never used drugs again, but I'm an addict. That's what I do. However, the realization that my days were numbered and the end was very close at hand began to assume clarity. I had to find a way to stop using drugs, or I would die. If I died in my addiction, I'd be returning to that abyss.

I knew that the Entity wasn't thrilled with my escape. I also knew that no power in me could have returned me to life. It had to have been a Power greater than me and more powerful than It. I prayed that this Power would help me find a way to live without the use of drugs.

My body had been saturated with chemicals for so long, I could no longer function without something in my system. Even simple tasks like bathing and brushing my teeth were a struggle. In desperation, I stopped bombarding my system with massive doses of chemicals. I stopped using needles and figured this would solve the problem. But I'd sit for long periods of time, rocking back and forth, mouth hanging open, drooling, and lost in hallucinations. I'd do just enough dope to be able to sit with my mouth closed and maybe take a shower. The illusionary sights and sounds never really stopped. I wasn't getting any better.

I finally toddled down to Mental Health, leaning heavily on my cane. I told them I was really crazy, and ask if they could please give me some pills to make my brain work right again. After a lengthy evaluation, they gave it to me straight. I was in the last and final stage of acute chemical dependency. My brain had been so damaged from drugs, that it was impossible to separate mental illness from my addiction. I needed treatment as soon as possible. I did not have long to live. Mental Health "pinned a note to my shirt" and sent me shuffling down the street to an agency that could help me get into residential treatment. I know that if a Power greater than I hadn't interceded, I would never have been able to wade through all of the confusion and red tape involved in finding help. Treatment would be a three month wait (an eternity for an addict like me!) I prayed that the Power that rescued me from death would please help me live long enough to get to a place where I could learn how to stop using drugs. Through that simple prayer, my obsession and compulsion to use drugs was gradually lifted over that three month period. I had been clean for three days by the time I got my bed at the treatment center. I vowed to myself, and to this Power that seemed willing to help me, that I would do whatever it took to find a way to live life free of addiction. I know now that a Power greater than I did for me what I was unable to do for myself.

I know now that I had what Dr. Rommer would call a type III Less Than Perfect Near Death Experience - in spades! Even though this happened over seven years ago, I still find it unsettling to delve too far into the incident. I've been clean now for almost six years. Early recovery was a struggle with brain damage from the massive infusions of chemicals. I read and reread books on American Indian spirituality - it made sense to me and rang true in my Spirit. I still follow this Way; organized religion seems too linier and controlling. I live life a day at a time, and I'm grateful for every day spent on the green side of the lawn! And I won't mind dying; death is simply a change of worlds. I've taken enough of your time. These first steps in understanding my NDE has helped me to be more at peace and accepting of myself.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, September 8, 2003 - 09:53 pm:

I was in a car accident, unbeknownst to me at the time of experience.

I just kind of popped into darkness. But I felt forward motion. Until I felt pulled into what felt like a book with turning pages. I seemed to move within the book as it felt as if I was moving with the pages. I felt an abrupt stop almost as if someone put their finger on the page and I abruptly stopped and popped out onto a grassy field in front of what looked like a glass structure.

A woman dressed in white appeared. She talked to me very briefly, without moving her lips. She basically told me that everything would be alright but that it was not my time. I felt as if I wanted to stay and hear more, but before I could blink in normal time, I seemed to do the entire travel in reverse.

I popped out above the scene of the accident moving in snapshot like movements to my car. Closer and closer I came until I seemed to crash into myself at the top of the car and into my head. It was soft though.

That was when I could hear my ex talking to me. Then I could see and hear everyone, but could not answer.

When I got to the hospital, I told my ex that I had to call her and tell her that she was right, everything was ok. When I felt this wave of confusion come over me wondering how I was going to reach her. I was disappointed.

The biggest change that came over me was that I was stronger and more emotionally equipped to deal with the things that had previously sent me into crying fits and depression. The most wonderful feeling that I felt was for the first time in most of my existence was a lack of fear and the freedom I felt when I was free of my body.

I had always believed in God as a child, but had become distant toward the heavens because life had dealt me quite a few blows. But from that time on, I felt as if someone were listening to me. I talked to God more. In time, I felt his guidance through some troubling times.

Subsequently, when I cleared up alot of old baggage, my sense of knowing kicked in. I once even did what would be the equivalent of a spontaneous psychic reading on a coworker, and his girlfriend at the time. I told him alot about himself and his relationship and how the two of them interacted and some very personal things including the fact that he was once more spiritual, that I could see it in him. But that he needed to get in touch again and get married because he felt he was doing wrong by living with his girlfriend. I stressed several times that they had the capability to be the best of friends and the worst of enemies. They were both amazed and I was more than amazed, as I felt as strange about it as he did.

There were several occasions that my intuition would kick in and I would have dreams. When my current fiancée couldn't remember what cigarettes his Dad had smoked in life, I looked at his Dads picture and said, "Pall Malls?". Warnings of car impending car accidents and deer warnings. Not an everyday occurrence, if anything it felt more on an as needed basis.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, September 7, 2003 - 07:08 pm:

My family and I were going to drive to my dance studio on Labor Day to prepare for the new dance year beginning the following day.

My husband and I decided to take our 3-year-old, out of the car seat and onto the regular car seat since the law says they don't need to use a car seat when they turn 4. He was to be 4 in 10 days. We buckled him in the back seat center. My other son age 12 and daughter, age 9 were fighting as per usual over who would sit in the seat behind daddy. My daughter made it there first.

It was a dark and rainy day and as we drove. I yelled at my husband for speeding. He pointed out the window at the speed limit sign and said, "I'm going the speed limit. 55." and then pointed to the speedometer. It seemed like he was speeding since the roads were wet and there was excess traffic on the road.

Without notice a white van/truck from the opposite lane came at us and then in front of us to take a left turn. She drove even faster when she realized that she was about to hit us. She probably figured she'd try to out run the accident by hurrying.

I saw her at the last second and went into some kind of shock. My husband said I screamed "NO!"
(I don't remember) and literally one millimeter of a second before impact my eyes were filled with a light white yet lime greenish light. It was virtually a second. It was confusing but didn't seem "unfamiliar". It wasn't brilliant or blinding or completely white. The color had lime in it. At impact I felt my husband's arm come across my chest to protect me. (Later at the hospital, I was so grateful that I was alive and so was he so that I could tell him that I felt that arm. It was comforting and will forever remain in my memory) I bounced around like a rag doll and forgot where I was and why I was flopping all over. I felt no pain and at the end I bounced up to the top of the car and when I did, I knew with every ounce of my being without a question that this was my death. I smiled. Not out of happiness but I think it was out of shock, as I knew that this is how it feels to die. It was pure helplessness and shock but somehow I smiled slightly. I'm not sure I thought of it then but I THINK I thought that dying wasn't painful. It was so easy how one can die so quickly without notice that it was..."acceptable".

Our car was totaled. It was a severe impact. The smell of smoke smelled like death. The sound of the crash was almost demonic. To see the car now one would say, "It's a miracle you're alive."

When we arrived at the hospital my husband who suffered only a fractured hand said "just before the impact I saw a light". My jaw dropped and I began to cry. We compared lights and he saw the exact color light I saw. Claimed it was somewhat comforting. BUT what blew me away was then he told me that our daughter, who was unconscious at the scene, had a concussion and a fractured leg, told him when she got to the hospital
"Daddy right before we crashed I saw a light."

That light saved us all. Our 3-year-old son, who was taken out of his car seat, had a tiny bruise on each hip. Had he been in the car seat, he would have surely fell forward as it was a cheap car seat and been killed on impact on the middle dash. Our eldest son who did not see the light had bruises from his seat belt. I suffered major knee injuries but nothing severe.

We all made it home that very night to have pasta and say grace together as a family as we always have. It was a miracle.

That light stays with me. It overwhelms me and we all believe it was God's light.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, September 5, 2003 - 09:30 am:

After several months of on-going medical testing and conservative treatment for a spine disorder, I underwent major reconstructive surgery to my lower spine in July of 1998.

At this time I was convinced that I had become a complete burden to my family and my surgeon had explained to me that my recovery would be quite lengthy and I was very distressed by this. I had experienced several other surgeries in my past but I remember feeling very apprehensive about this one.

As I was kissing my husband before entering the operating room, I recall a feeling of deep fear. My surgery proceeded without incident but the nursing staff reported to my husband that they had a great deal of difficulty awakening me from the anesthesia.

Later on that evening my husband said that my respiration’s stopped and the alarm was going off. I was at the end of the hallway and the nurses did not hear it. He had to run down the hallway to the nurse’s station and got a nurse.

I recall walking at a normal pace down a tunnel with a bright light ahead and beautiful orchestrated music. I could also see a field of water-colored flowers that were swaying along to the music. There were to my left in the tunnel three distinct mountains that were only black. To my right I could see the outline only of what seemed to be a little boy motioning with his hand for me to come toward him. I tried to walk faster to reach him and my feet seemed to become heavier and heavier with each step. At that moment I knew that the little boy was my child that I had miscarried several years earlier and was never told by the Dr. what the sex of the fetus was. The harder I tried to reach him the heavier my steps became. Suddenly I awoke and it was over.

My husband said that the nurse had given me an injection in my juggler vein to initiate my respirations. She said that the narcotic dosage given to me after surgery for pain was administered to high and had stopped my breathing. For several days after that my husband was afraid to leave my side for fear that I might stop breathing again.

There is no one that can understand this unless they have had a similar experience. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share this with you


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, September 2, 2003 - 06:33 pm:

1. Driving across long causeway (over an area of Open Ocean), fell asleep at the wheel (had worked an overnight shift in a bank). The car veered to the right and hit a guardrail. As the car flipped over (repeatedly), I noticed that I was 'hovering' around the ceiling of the car, watching my body as it crashed around with each time the car rolled over. I watched in an extremely calm, serene state of mind. I also had a review of hundreds of life events, and each one offered a sense of profound insight.

2. The next six months, I was obsessed with a need to explore spiritual areas, and read many books on religion, Christian, Hinduism, all kinds of spiritual type books. Also read many books on quantum mechanics and physics. Learned how to meditate, and did so twice daily.

3. In one meditation experience, I had a profound experience, very much like the experience described by those who have 'crossed over'. I left my body, (actually looked down and saw what the top of my head looked like). Soon the experience of being engulfed by an indescribable light that consisted of pure love and acceptance happened and I was in that place for what seemed like 30 to 40 minutes. During this time answers to questions about the meaning of life etc were given to me but in a kind of incomplete manner. I was told that I could not be given all the knowledge yet since I still was 'living the human life'... I also felt that for the entire 40 minutes my need to breath ceased ... anyway the experience was so profound and earth shattering that I lived in its presence for weeks after. I described it to my mother, and I think she thought I was crazy (although she didn't say so).I know I had the 'near death' experience during this intense meditation session, even though I was not 'near death'. Is this possible? I was under a lot of emotional stress at the time, I realize that. Somewhere I was given this experience when I most needed it. And as others have said, the experience is NOT like anything we normally experience as humans. I saw colors so incredibly ‘alive’; they were not within the range of normal human senses. The whole experience made me see that our human senses are 1/1000 of what the spiritual world offers.

Anyway I do not want to ramble, but it is 24 years later, and I know it was the most profound thing that has ever occurred to me.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, September 2, 2003 - 06:24 pm:

First of all, I had more the one NDE, but this is the strongest experience. This is the only one that happened during influence of mushrooms, but in my opinion it was a lot more then just that influence. In my life I used mushrooms 3 times, and I smoked weed for about 2 years. My parents didn’t have religious believes, almost atheist, although that’s different now due to other things that happened. Maybe that’s relevant information to you.

It all happened in a period of my life that I quit school, moved to an other town, only felt negative energies around me, because at that time my 'spirit' (or whatever it is) lived in bad vibes. I was very aware of this 'higher dimensional environment' I was living in. I kinda decided that I didn’t want to flow between these realities, and in my inside I was screaming all the time; why am I here? Show me something! Tell me why I feel there’s more?

This all sounds very depressing and it kinda was; but I always had some kinda peace inside me saying that it was alright to suffer now, I could learn from it, and in the end everything will be alright. That feeling made me think I was crazy or schizophrenic, but it turned out to be very guiding :-)

When I had the experience:
I was sitting on the bank observing and experiencing all kinda vibes that were in the room and I felt they were the entrance to other realities and DEFINITELY no projection of my imagination. Suddenly I was thinking: what does it all matter? I want to go there now, experience something else...
In a flash I felt/see my whole being and what it has experienced till then. Maybe some kinda of a slideshow, but actually it was more like a feeling. The next thing that happened, was that I felt powerful ethereal tornado's, which in a flash made me feel like I was making a free fall, that took me with them.
Then I had to look twice to believe what I saw: I was standing beside the tornado like energies and....I was looking at my self sitting on the bank! My skin was death-like white, I seemed dead. This scared me a lot. In the mean time a GIANT wormhole or tunnel appeared to me where I could go into.
All the time there was a being with me, I realized that it always had been with me! But it was disappointed in me. I had the choice to go into that tunnel, but I felt my life would be a failure if I had chosen to do that. Then in a flash I got REALLY scared of the situation and felt the tragedy in this all. I cried inside my self really hard and had a lot of regret and shouted I wanted to do the right thing and go back.

Suddenly I was looking straight ahead to the wall...I was in my body again. My eyes must have been as wide open as they could, so it felt.

(((I lived in an apartment at the first floor (1 level up that is, not sure if first floor means; 1 level up) and the people that lived on the other side of the road could look into my apartment.)))

The last thing I remembered in my body, it was afternoon or so and there was light. When I got back into my body it was getting dark so a lot of time must have past. Thereby, the people across the street were standing in front of the their window, looking at me, as if they were looking at me for quite some time.
For some strange reason, when I looked at them when I got back, I could hear what they were saying (!) : (woman): Should we call an ambulance? or the police? (man): no, relax, he looks fine now, you see?

This experience was a turning point in searching for realities without any reference of limits or borders. It made me aware that not anything can be done, things can go wrong if you just do things without respect for life. I have to follow the positive signs in helping not only myself but also others in being aware of life. And not only that, also just to BE there for others.


I could go much more into detail, but I want to keep this story a bit compact. Also I had more NDE's that are quite interesting too.

Now I go to school, I’m in the final class VWO (that means in English: preparing scientific education) high school. At the same time I study at SAE, which is an audio engineering technology school.

Although my English isn’t very good, I hope I was clear with my story. Anybody is free to contact me about this.



View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, August 29, 2003 - 05:19 pm:



At 10 years of age, became very ill with "unknown" blood disorder. Was at home, and in and out of awareness. Doctor came to home to check on me. Heard him tell mother I was gravely ill and he didn't know what else to do for me.

Remember my mother calling to me to come back and then going through a dark place toward a lighted place. When I reached the lighted place my grandmother, who had died about 1 1/2 years previously, and with whom I was very close, was there. She hugged me and I remember what a beautiful meadow, with trees and water behind them it was. Also, what a feeling of love and peace from those who were there...some I knew and others I didn't "know", but knew loved me. I was not frightened at all. To one side in this meadow there was like a white light, so bright that I remember thinking that it should hurt to look at it, but it didn't hurt me when I did look at it. I felt such peace, happiness and love from this light. Then I remember my grandmother telling me that "it isn't time yet, you have to go back now"...I didn't want to come back and told my grandmother this but she said again "you have to go back...you're not through yet".

I then heard my mother crying from far away...and I remember coming back through the dark and my mother was over me yelling, "don't go...please come back"...and I opened my eyes. Since this time I have no fear of "death" because I know there's another place to go to that is beautiful, peaceful and surrounded by love.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, August 29, 2003 - 05:13 pm:

I was on a motorcycle at about 90mph in a two-lane road when out came a car from my right side and in front of me. I went from the right lane to the left lane as fast as I could and then realized that so did the car. As I applied the brakes there was a sprinkler on which was spraying half the road and I was on that half. The bike didn't slow down at all and somehow did not even fall over. It just stayed its course. At this point I was sure I was going to die.

That’s when I felt myself float away at about 15 feet to the right and close to the ground looking at myself on the motorcycle about 5 feet from the rear bumper of the car I was about to hit. As I see myself I notice that behind my head was my life flashing in fast motion backwards. I was able to focus on that and can remember some but most of all I remember seeing myself as a baby being held by a woman, I'm assuming is my mother. Then actually seeing through that baby’s eyes what seemed to be what it first saw when those eyes opened up after birth. At that point I was then back on my bike and saw the car in front of me with my headlights shining on the rear of the chrome bumper.

As I was just about to hit I felt myself being lifted to where I was almost standing up. Then from the impact I was going forward, which all seemed like slow motion. I saw and felt my head going through the rear windshield. That's when everything turned black and I felt myself floating. I was able to open my eyes to see but couldn’t make out what was in front of me. Then I looked down at myself to see if I was in one piece and noticed I couldn’t see myself but what I did see was a shadow of myself with my arms to my sides but up. As I was looking at myself I noticed I was not alone. All around me were other shapes very similar to mine and others different all moving forward. So I looked to see where we were moving to and that’s when I saw this very bright light far away. I seemed to be in some sort of ray of light going in its direction. When I saw this light the most peaceful feeling came over me that can never be described in human words. All I wanted to do was go to the light. What seemed so far away I reached in less than a second without the feeling of movement. As I was about to go into the light with even a more wonderful feeling, I noticed something below me and to the right. As I glanced over I noticed it was my mothers father who died years earlier looking at me waving his arms in a do not enter movement so I stopped in my tracks, like superman can do in his movies, and stared at my grandfather. I can't remember if he was trying to say something or not but I did not hear anything. I just knew he was telling me to stop.

That’s when my vision became very bright and white but my eyes stayed open. Then my body felt different, like my weight was back. It seemed like I was trying to close my eyes from the brightness but I was actually opening them. I remember feeling very confused about that but then my eyes opened and I saw that I was sitting on top of a car which was moving with my legs straight out and my upper body was in an upward position (sitting) with my back completely erect and my arms to my sides holding my self up. When I saw this I tried to move but could not for a couple of seconds then slowly I could. Without questioning my self, I jumped off the car and slid into oncoming traffic watching cars swerve around me. Then I stood up and saw the bike I crashed about 80 yards away.

I don't have any questions but any comments about my experience would be great. I just saw the DVD movie "Final Destination 2" and learned of "IANDS". I've told a few people about this but to be able to share this with some people that might have had similar experience feels pretty good.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, August 25, 2003 - 12:51 pm:

During surgery on my knee I had a bad reaction to the meds they gave me that caused my heart to stop and for them to inject me with some other meds.

During this time, I remember seeing my knee in the brace with the tubes and medal things sticking out of it. And I heard a voice that told me to calm down or I was going to choke on the vent tube. My eyes were taped. I saw my eyes taped. How did I see my knee? The ladies voice was that of my great grandma.

There are so many different things I’d like to talk to someone about. So many things that I am unable to describe. Things that have troubled my mind and made me wonder about things. I have alot of questions and I’d like to have some answers.



View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, August 24, 2003 - 05:29 pm:

My family owned a farm in NW Louisiana. They were burning off the fields getting ready for the spring planting season, March 19,1958. I was 5 years old and joined my older brother in the field. The grass was burned black and no fire was there so I sat down on the ground. I did not see the cinders that were still there. It hit my petticoat and ignited. I ran through the horse pasture and my brother tried to save me. One of my most vivid memories was seeing him cover his face against a huge oak tree, crying, unable to put me out and giving up on me. My mother was in the house with an infant son and looked out because of the screaming. She ran to me, jumping a 6-foot fence, rolled me and put me out burning her hands. I was conscious and very calm.

I was taken by ambulance and remember being in the ER with people scrambling and hovering over me frantically administering care. I remember not feeling any pain. I blinked my eyes and when I opened them (just that quick) the light was burning my eyes because it was so bright. I still could see the people in silhouette because the light was behind them. It was then permeating everything. I describe like living in a fluorescent light bulb and everything is brilliant and giving off like that light bulb. It is like being on the inside of the bulb and the light going right through you, coming out of you, etc. I could not see for the brightness. I complained to the people around me (I thought were doctors and nurses) that the light was bright and to turn it off. I kept asking them "how can you see?" I was looking through my eyelashes and one of them said "it would be alright in a minute, I would adjust to it." The light was replaced by a soft glow. This glow was more indirect light. It was pink and gold in nature. It was warm and loving. It is similar to the light you get at sunset and at dawn. Since early childhood my parents would find me at dawn outside and sometimes I would make my bed outside on the ground in order not to miss the sunrise.
I have the urge to be outside at sunset as well. I think it is because I am trying to find that light again.

The first thing I felt was unconditional love and acceptance. No judgement existed there. I felt so nurtured and loved as if I was being held up close to someone. It was the most wonderful feeling. Every thought was known to "them" before I even was aware of it. It was that fast! I was known by them as well as I know myself. They were beautiful beings. No wings. Just beautiful faces. Looking back they appeared to be male but I thought of them as asexual beings. Words were not needed. Every thought was instant. We did not need to speak. I did speak however later. I would use my voice. I acted like the child that I was at that time after I was into the experience. I knew that if I wanted to stay I would and could. I did not speak this out loud though. I knew I was there and enjoying it but that I could return. I discovered "they" were protecting me during the healing process my body was in. I was taken out of the pain and was told "to think of this as hibernation, and like the animals that sleep during the winter I would wake up to play in the spring again". I was the one who told them it was time for me to go "play in the sunshine" again. They entertained me. I played with other children that I feel more connected to than my own siblings. They are not in this earthly lifetime with me. I knew them intimately however and they are connected to me in some way more so than the people on this side.

I knew that there was a thin curtain between my family and the life I have here, and the one there. The people here can not see through it but we could see through it from the other side. Much like a 2-way mirror works. In the ER I had lapsed into a coma. I awoke one month later on April 19 (my 6th birthday). It was one of many such experiences. I tended to go into cardiac arrest due to my blood volumes and infection. Tolerances to large amounts pain medications required them to up dosages that put me at high risk for procedures.

I knew that I was destined to return. I knew I had a purpose to fulfil. I knew that I was not ordinary and a little out of step from other people. I did not know that this was not a common experience and that this did not happen to everyone. I grew up just assuming everyone knew about this. I never doubted the experience or question it. I know I survived for a reason.

There are other experiences too. I underwent cardiac arrest for 2 1/2 minutes during skin grafting. During this time my mother was visited by a being that others explained away to her because she was on medication for the burns to her hands. She held a conversation with this being about me. I do not come from a religious family. They tend to be a little skittish about such things. Members of my family, perfect strangers on the street, have often told me of a being they see around me. It is not unusual for me to hear this. I have also had friend’s co-workers, strangers in cities all across the country tell me strange things at times. They have also told me of a light that is coming from me. I have even gone unrecognized by family and friends for some unknown reason. My former husband of 25 years also did not recognize me one day when I came into his office. I talked to him for several minutes and then he sort of snapped out of it and was astonished it was me. I don't quite understand this phenomenon but my own mother did it as well later that same day when I stopped by her home.

There is so much to tell and words can not explain the beauty, rapture, and essence of the experiences. I get frustrated trying because I feel so inadequate to do so. I can not do it justice or convey the splendor of it all. I would not give anything for these experiences. The worst thing to happen to you can turn out to be the very best thing to happen to you!



View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, August 21, 2003 - 06:41 pm:

I had had a surgery on my kidneys.

I went home and felt very sick. I slept a lot.

On this day it was different, it was a deeper sleep. I walked up a hill into what looked like a courtyard. I was met by a man with a jacket like on. He led me on a tour of this place. There were lots of other people and it looked similar to a roman type courtyard. I remember the grass being so soft and the colors so bright and the people looked at you with love. And they didn’t have to say a word but you knew that they were welcoming you. There were hills and the colors were so bright. And there were long tables with lots of place settings. I could here people talking and laughing and having a good time. But I couldn’t see them. The guide told me it was time to go back and as we walked the TV like screens flashed pictures of faces and I watched them. Then he led me by my hand and he said when you see the brightest blue the whitest white and the greenest green you will be home. I felt at ease.
I went back down the path down a mountain type path.

And woke feeling better then I have in a long time



View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, August 21, 2003 - 06:30 pm:

On May 29, 2002 My Husband was completely ill from GROUP A Strep in other words Flesh eating Bacteria or Necrotizing Facitis. He had emergency surgery to remove the rotting flesh. Doctors did not think he would survive.

After the first surgery he started breathing problems and they wanted him on a Ventilator. So I complied. He then went totally septic. He then started seizing. When he had never seized before. They didn't think he would survive. The night he did they asked how strong he was I couldn't tell them, Larry had never been ill. But he had two kids they needed him.

Second day He had emergency debriding the dead tissue again. He wasn't supposed to make it. So, on June 13, 2002 he awoke and they exabated his tube June 14, 2002. Hours went by. I finally could talk to him. Alot of things happened while he was gone.

I waited a couple days and asked Larry what did you see did you hear me talking to you he said; “no”. “But I saw things I don't know how to explain it but I'll find a way”.

August rolled 2002.He learned to walk again with therapy. I was so euphoric and thankful and piece filled my world. Then I got a call. My second Cousin Gina Died she was 42. And my husband wasn't close to her but he started crying. He said; “I have to talk to you about something. Now might not be the time but I saw Gina die when I was in the hospital. I heard voices. I saw people with no faces but I could see their bodies. Their feet never touched ground. Their mouths didn't move. They communicated to me in my mind. The room was white top bottom sides floor. There was a door white with gold handles”.

He said he wanted to go through the door but they kept pulling him back. They showed his past life like a giant huge engulfing TV screen then it told his future. He told me they said when Gina died she will lose her cousin and her immediate family would lose a sister.

Then I have an Autistic Nephew Age 7. It told that he would go to a better place. In Jan 2003, my nephew started seizure from epilepsy. In that following May 03, 2003, my dear Nephew died from epilepsy. They said I myself would die of bone cancer and I will be in my forties. One of our boys is supposed to end up in the hospital ill or from an accident. And that’s why he had to return. His life wasn't completed yet and he had to be there for the boy's. He has repeated dreams that the world would go dark and is in the dark for a little while and it happened the whole East Coast of the U.S.A. went black in a power outage he also has reoccurring dreams of the future. Some are good some are of illness. But I think for our family that peace is in our hearts and gratefulness.

But my husband and I are trying to find people like him so he doesn't feel like he's all alone.

The only Question is do we try to change things or let it be?


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, August 18, 2003 - 06:25 pm:

On August 15,1962 my dad, brother and I went salmon fishing off the Olympic Peninsula at LaPush. At the time I was 14, my brother 12yr/9mo, and dad was 38. Mom stayed at camp to get things set up for our return, which was supposed to be in 3-4 hours.

The water was smooth when we pulled out of port and we had no problems, even managed to catch three nice salmon. On our way back to port the wind began to pick up and huge swells began to form. Suddenly the water seemed to drop from under us and the boat slammed down hard causing the motor to die and splitting the transom. Water filled the flotation compartment.

We drifted for several hours while dad worked on the motor. All during this time the wind continued to increase and the water got rougher and rougher as the rain poured down. We drifted closer to shore and could hear the waves crashing into the rocks and knew we were in trouble.

We talked over what we knew was about to happen as we got closer to shore. We knew our chances of survival were slim but the plan was to head south down the beach and get back to mom as soon as possible.

To make a long story shorter, things didn't go well for us at all. My dad and brother both died that night. As we were making our way through the surf, we were getting slammed into the rocks. The effort to swim was nearly a waste of time. We spent what seemed like most of our time under the water. It was during this time that suddenly I was floating above what appeared to be my lifeless body being tossed around by the waves. I no longer was experiencing the burning in my throat and lungs. I wasn't feeling the choking. I wasn't feeling the pain. I was at total peace as I watched my body die. I could see all around me but couldn't hear the roar of the wind or waves. I didn't feel hot, cold, wet or pain, just the most peaceful feeling I have difficulty putting into words.

Suddenly I was back into my body and the pain and all came rushing back.

A short time later it happened again and I was back above my body. I started looking around wondering where I would go from there. I just knew my body was dead and I didn't want to go back. My spirit started flying along above the water heading south to my mom. I was determined to let her know what had happened. Suddenly I was back in my body feeling all the pain again. This happened to me three times all together. On the 3rd time I knew it was over for my body as my spirit floated farther from my body. I was thinking that this had to be it . . . the 3rd time is the charm I had always heard. I became aware of other spirits around me. I couldn't see them but felt their presence. I was wondering what was to happen now. I didn't want to return to my body...it was dead! The spirits let me know I had to go back, that everything would be all right, that my time wasn't up yet. I was back into my body again. Even though I felt all the pain again I knew I would make it.

My dad's and brother's bodies were recovered the next day. Took me three days to walk out. I was beat up, cut up and bruised but in good condition for what I had been through.

One thing that has come out of this is that I have lost my fear of death and know nothing will kill me until my time is up.



View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, August 17, 2003 - 08:10 pm:

I was camping in Big Sur with my husband, my two daughters (ages 11 and 9), and my father-in-law.

We were preparing dinner -- I was making carrot and celery sticks, and my husband called me over to look at something. As I walked towards the campfire I was eating a carrot stick and accidentally aspirated a chunk of carrot into my windpipe.

I was immediately struggling to cough and breath but the slightest cough would dislodge just a bit but then my frantic intake of air pulled the carrot piece deeper until I was getting no air at all and felt myself choking to death. My husband was repeatedly trying to do the Heimlik maneuver, but he was too gentle and it wasn't working.

Suddenly, in the midst of all this, I "swooped" out of my body and was floating above the scene. My feelings of fear, pain, and struggle disappeared, and I felt calm, peaceful, and somewhat detached, though still "myself." From my floating position, I could see my husband repeatedly struggling to do the Heimlick maneuver, with my children both looking on with expression of shock and fear on their faces. I was surprised to notice that my husband had developed a bald spot on the back of his head that I had never seen before, as I had not observed him from this position. That seemed equally interesting as the scene of his continued rescue attempts and the sight of my father-in-law contentedly eating potato chips off to the side, totally oblivious of the struggle that was taking place just feet from him. I felt emotions in a very mild and peaceful way -- slightly amused that I had never noticed the bald spot, compassionate toward the struggles of my husband and the fear of my children, and amused that my father-in-law had no idea what was going on. I felt extremely loving toward all of them but less as a lover, mother, and daughter and more as a benevolent force for them.

Just as suddenly as I had left my body, my husband finally managed to do the Heimlick maneuver with the force necessary -- and as the carrot chunk flew out of my mouth I flew back into my body.

I immediately experienced my usual strong emotions, pain in my throat, need to nurture and protect the children, love and thankfulness to my husband, and general unsettled feelings about the experience. I didn't sleep much that night, and the feelings from the experience became more and more profound. I shared my experience with my husband and children who didn't know what to make of it.

Ever since this experience, I have had renewed joy, a heightened ability to live in the moment, stronger spirituality, stronger drive to serve others and the community, and I have lost any fear of death. I hold this experience as a gift that was given to me and that continues to enrich and sustain me.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 12:46 pm:

I crashed during a motorcross race. I came off of the motorcycle and landed on my head.

I awoke 15 days later and remembered nothing of the incident other than being in a field, standing, I looked and saw my father who had died a month earlier. I called to him as I walked towards him and he did not answer me. When I got close enough that I was sure that he had heard my calls, I faded out and that is all I recall.

Upon waking up I had to think to remember that my dad had died. It was then that I surmised that the reason he did not acknowledge me was that it was not my time to die.

I am presently trying to get the lifeline flight report because I think I may have either died or came very close. My family doctor (who I gave all of the medical reports that I had access to at the time) told me that when I arrived at Methodist (the first hospital I went to) I had no brain activity. I also found out that when the ground ambulance arrived at the helicopter (lifeline) they shut down the helicopter for 30 minutes and no one knows why. (I am trying to get the lifeline reports)

That is all I have on this incident.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, August 15, 2003 - 12:40 pm:

When I was 9 I had a ruptured appendix. My doctor said I had a kidney infection and he was treating me for that. Apparently things got serious because I remember my grandfather said: "this boy is dying. Get him to the hospital."

After that I am not certain I was conscious. Yet I have a strong image of my standing and watching while I was taken out of the house on a stretcher. (Although this may be a memory of some other situation.)

The next thing I remember clearly is being in a large room, lying on a bed or table. Next to me was an attractive woman dressed in white (it may have been a uniform). She said that soon I would be asleep and I would not hurt any more. She said: "that's a good boy." I think she gave me ether on a pad. I heard over and over again in my head: "that's a good boy; that's a good boy...." It seemed like I heard it for hours.

Shortly thereafter I was aware of being surrounded by a bright, warm, yellow-white light. At first it seemed strongest directly above me. Then I seemed to have no sense of myself and all there was, was the light.

The next I remember was awakening in the hospital with a drain tube in my stomach.

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Motorcyclist has OOB and after-effects since accident

Date of accident: 4-20-1980

Back story: Working at Forest Service, on a survey crew at the time.

Religious thoughts at the time: I would have told you I was an atheist the day before the accident, as a result of my step-father trying to force me into Catholicism; I had come to the conclusion that religion was nothing but a control mechanism - still think so today.

The event:

I was riding my motorcycle, a Honda 750K, in the hills, near La Luz (near Alamogordo) NM, with another biker I knew. We were riding on a 2-lane road, coming down from the mountain. I was ahead of him. I was, as usual, riding too fast for the road (but that's how I lived at the time).

I came around a tight curve, and the bike high-sided (center of balance lost, throwing all weight opposite of where it should have gone). My buddy, Perry, later told me he saw me hit a car, and both the bike and I went flying. He told me an ambulance took me to the hospital at Holloman AFB. At Holloman they put me in the Medevac to send me to WBAMC at Ft. Bliss (El Paso, Tx). All this time, I was unconscious.

I became aware I was sitting up, looking out the window, watching rotor blades go by, then became aware of all the sounds of the helicopter. It seemed sort of slow motion, but I did not perceive any other sensation. I thought:

"Why am I in a helicopter?" And looked around the aircraft, to finally see that I was sitting next to my body on a gurney.

My only thought was: "Wow. I'm dead." No fear, or excitement, just matter of fact.

Then boom. I was in the presence of Consciousness. That is all I could call It. (There was no one else there, no entities, nobody. Just an endless sort of pale blue Light. At this point, I did not perceive myself to have a body.)

"It" said: "No, you are not dead. All is not as you've been told. You've been here before; you'll be here again."

A very one-sided dialog. Then, it was like "a wave of information was poured into me," is the only way I can describe it. (There was nothing memorable, or tangibly useful about it, but it seemed to be the source of insights as the years went by.)

I then woke up in traction 4 days later in an ICU, with a broken Left Femur, and a few other nasty injuries.

As the years went by, I had a few spontaneous OBE's, and precognitive dreams, one of which was life-saving. I also got a pretty good BS-detector out of the deal, too good, almost. In meditation, can occasionally get useful insights.

After the event, nothing was the same. So much of the way I used to live, the things I found entertaining, the things other people find entertaining seem so frivolous, mind numbing. I noticed I also lost my fear of death, but also my zest for life.

I began reading all the esoteric information I could get my hands on, to try and figure out what happened. I never told a soul about this event until I went to an NDE group in the late 1990's. The event seemed to have affected the other experiencers in similar, yet individually different ways; listening to how it affected some of them let me know it could have affected me much worse.

I have heard all the explanations from various sources: Endorphin based delusion, due to lack of oxygen to the brain, all the way to “You were deceived by the devil!” Um....No.

The NDE is as vivid today as the day it occurred.

I can only say 3 things for certain:

There is some kind of Ultimate Creator.

We are some kind of Soul beings in a physical experience.

We do survive this physical reality.

Woman enters the light and praises God

I have waited 74 days to actually put my experience to paper. Those I told right after it happened told me to write it down, but I still found myself unable to do so. When I question myself on why I haven't written it down or shared it with more people, thoughts of doubt come to my mind: I think people won’t believe me, they will say it was the anesthesia, they will treat me differently and may even shrug it off. As real as these thoughts are, what is more real is what I experienced. All I hope to share is encouragement to anyone who reads this, in knowing that there is life after death. There is something better, bigger and more beautiful. It is something unexplainable and using human words seems so feeble. However, I will attempt to share in words, as that is all I have.

On January 7, 2020 I went in for a minimal mitral valve heart repair. Minutes after the surgeon had closed my side up from a seemingly successful repair, something started to go terribly wrong. My heart began to “scream,” the doctor explained. I was told my heart started to perform every arrhythmia a heart could all at once. While my surgeon was out talking with my husband and asking him if he could open my chest up to fix my heart, they say my heart attempted two major heart attacks. However, because they could put me back on bypass and the ventilator, they were able to help my heart to some degree. After my husband gave permission to open me up to save my life, the surgeon and our family had a prayer then my second open-heart was underway.

Walking away, my surgeon looked back at my husband and said he felt like the luckiest man alive! When my surgeon opened up my chest completely they found that the “ring” used to repair my mitral valve had slipped and folded on to one of the arteries below, damaging it to the point I was in need of a bypass to get blood to my heart. The “ring” was secured and the bypass was successful. What should have been a 3-5 hour surgery turned into two open heart surgeries lasting 10 hours.

What I am about to share happened within the time I left pre-op to the time in post-op when I recall hearing my family say they loved me while squeezing my right hand, all while I was still being vented with the breathing tube. The experience I'm gonna share is the first thing I thought of when I came to and couldn’t stop thinking of it until I told as many as I could. To this day I think about it at least one time every day. Call it a near death experience, call it what you want, I call it being almost home. Again, this is so difficult to put into words that I will have to compare it to things I know here on earth.

I do not remember being somewhere before being in the void space and the long distance in front of me. I just know I was there; how I got there didn’t matter at that moment and I never questioned it. I couldn’t see my body but knew my being was there. At first, I was in the void space. It was “like” darkness, but not like darkness here on earth. In the darkness here on earth we tend to be scared of something jumping out at us that we cannot see or bumping into something and hurting ourselves. The void space I found myself in was not darkness or light, more like a gray space. Soft, peaceful, silent, full, calm, clean. I didn’t see light at first, but knew it was there. I just looked around and noticed the space was vast without end. I don’t know how long I stayed in the void space because I had no sense of time, just of being present in that moment.

Then I noticed a light surrounding me and it filled up all of this space. I remember looking to my left and longing to look closer into this light. I remember thinking that this light had no end, but I searched through it, desiring more and more of it. I could see through it and wanted to reach my hand through it, but realized there was no need to because I knew what it felt like without touching it. It had no weight even though I could see it. It was not 3-dimensional like we know things here. Is there a 4th or 5th dimension? Then that was it. Although I could see the light surrounding me, it was as though I was also a part of this light and not separated from it. Touch was different; there was no need for it. I could touch something without physically touching it, as if I was doing it with my mind. I knew what it was and could feel it without touching it. The only one of the five senses I remember using was sight. At this moment there were no smells, no sounds, no taste, no touch. Sight was all I used, and I could see better than I ever could in my life. The best way to describe this light around me was it was a soft, bright, greyish-white light with translucent sparkles. The “sparkles” were captivating and drew me in closer. I just knew I was a part of this space, not separate from it. Have you ever come up on a fog and had it surround you? It was similar to that feeling in color but with no weight. Even fog has weight and movement. The “fog” which surrounded me was weightless, light, and had no movement. It overcame the void space and consumed it completely. It didn’t fill it but overcame it. This light around me became more and more glorious the deeper I longed to look at it and through it.

I was in a motionless floating state, but without gravity. I didn’t bob up and down as in water but was as weightless, light and motionless, just as the beautiful light that surrounded me. Kind of like being under water, but even then, there is still a feeling of gravity or weight and movement. I felt none of these. I wasn’t aimlessly floating either; I had a purpose in the space I was in. I had no desire to move or leave, only to soak in the light. Even if I did, I wouldn’t have been able to on my own. I was instantly curious about the space I was in and why everything was so still, quiet, and peaceful, including myself.

As quickly as I soaked up the space around me, I was suddenly pulled forward at a great speed, similar to a roller coaster taking off from a dead stop. I didn’t jerk forward like my body would on a coaster, but my whole being, including my thoughts, moved at the same time, speed, and with the same purpose. I felt like I was moving in slow motion but knew it was at a great speed. I looked around and noticed the light all around me and the space in front of me at the end of the tunnel. The dark circle at the end of the tunnel now in front of me didn’t scare me. I didn’t try to fight moving forward. I only felt peace, confirmation and being whole.

At this point I didn’t know what the light was or could be. I just knew it was secure, safe, and peaceful. Now I know it was God Himself. I was not scared, as that was not a known option. I became overwhelmed with a sense of awe, gratitude, and thankfulness to God for my life. Although I could not speak, words came out in thoughts. Here were my thoughts to God as I spoke to Him: “Thank You God for my life, my family, my friends!” I remember seeing some images of my family and friends but this is choppy in my memory. Seeing events in my life cut in and out like a video with poor internet service. Recalling these or seeing them didn’t make me sad or happy; it’s as though they were part of a different chapter and part of me. I didn’t want to change any of it, it just was.

I then had another overwhelming feeling that my attempt to thank God for everything wasn’t adequate to express how grateful I was for all He had given me and done for me. I found myself starting to try and list out every little thing God had given and done for me down to the colors of the trees, blue waters, even our dog, Sugarbear. As soon as I started to feebly try and begin listing, I turned to the direction of the right side of my being to the voice of whom I believe to be God saying to me (through a thought), “There is no need to list. I know, Charity.” My response was, “Your will be done, Lord.” At that very moment, even before I was done with the phrase, I immediately felt myself being pushed or pulled backwards and it ended quickly, like in a blink. I even sped up the phrase to get it out before I completely left. I just knew I was leaving His presence and it would be quick. The feeling as I left was one I can only describe as “I am not done praising you, Lord!”

Others who have had similar experiences say they saw Jesus in body or a green field where others were. I never saw any of this. I do know it was God Who spoke to me and was in the light, part of the light and was the light. His voice was like a surround sound speaker, but spoken by thought. It was not big or harsh, but calming and almost with a chuckle. It was kind and reassuring. What amazes me now is that I was not shocked to hear it. It was as if I had already been communicating with Him and His words were as confronting as the light and complexing as the sparkles.

The next thing I remember was not being able to move, everything was black and I could hear my family say they loved me while squeezing my right hand as I laid in my hospital bed, still on the vent. The next morning as I completely awoke the scripture from Psalm 100:4, “Enter His gates with thanksgiving; go into His courts with praise. Give thanks to Him and praise His name,” rang truer to me, more than ever before. To thank Him and praise Him is all I wanted to do and never stop while with Him there and I never once thought of where I had come from or what was at the end of where I was headed. I find it interesting that I never thought of returning to my family I had left or my life on earth. It just wasn’t even a part of my thoughts. Almost like it wasn’t even a part of me there. I was just present where I was and didn’t want or need anything more. I wanted to soak up where I was. The more I was there, the more I wanted the light of God’s presence. I believe this is the glory of God the Bible speaks of.

I ask myself often what God wants me to do with this experience. Was it just for me or for me to share? If it brings Him glory, then I will share. If it brings you closer to your Creator, then I will share. This is why I am sharing this. My prayer is that experiences like mine and those of others bring a sense of praise to God. A sense of wanting and longing for more of Him. A sense of thanksgiving for what He has done, does, and will do for His Creation in man!

I am a calmer person now. I seek to be in nature ALL the time. I have changed my eating habits to plant based, and not animal. It hurts me to think of eating an animal. Before I loved meat. I meditate to try and get the feeling I had back. Everything on earth seems dull. I want to go back so badly and have that peace.

The Christ concept brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe

Synopsis:

This is about an experience I had in 2017. It changed my life for the better in a lot of ways. I was brought up in the Mormon religion, and I was married when I was 19 years old. This experience showed me who I am at my core and gave me the courage I needed to walk away from everything I knew. I am now a successful accounting consultant and single mother to four gorgeous children.

The experience taught me about our innate nature, the law of attraction, and how much we participate in creating our own world/life.

I structured this in a way to avoid placing my own beliefs in the way of the events themselves. My perspective is flawed. I am human, and my beliefs shift as I learn and grow.

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Surviving Rebirth = New Life:

I cannot explain how this happened. I can tell you I have had multiple doctors verify that I am sane, that the event is not related to mental illness, and as far as modern-day medicine is concerned -- they cannot explain it either. I saw many doctors, trying to understand what happened. The only official diagnosis I ever received was PTSD, caused by the experience itself, diagnosed about 18 months after the occurrence.

Words and ideas that come close to explaining what happened to me: spiritually transformative experience, rebirth, awakening, enlightenment, but to be fair I don’t know enough about any of these to make a claim, so I won’t/don’t.

How did I achieve this? I’m not sure if it is something I did, or something that happened to me, or a combination. If I could point out a route that got me there it would be a combination of love, persistence, intuition, meditation, and law of attraction.

How has it affected me? I am not who I was before. I am new. I am. ME.

What Happened:

My stomach was hurting me significantly the day I died but didn’t die. It wasn’t anything dramatic, but it was painful. I had a food allergy and somehow consumed the food that triggered painful ulcers. The ulcers got so bad one year that I had an endoscopy and they discovered six ulcers, one close to bleeding, which can get dangerous. Over the past few years I had experimented with my diet and discovered which foods hurt -- but on this particular day, I must have had something without realizing it -- it happens #foodallergies.

I went to bed that night after getting my children to bed and after my regular meditation, in some pain, but it was tolerable. I fell asleep easily, nothing felt different, I had no concept of what was about to hit me and change my life, change me to my core.

Saturday 4:00 AM:

I wake up. I hear the most incredible song, symphony. It was heartbreakingly stunning. Heart-breaking. No explanation of why I was hearing this, and I can tell you I didn’t hear it with my physical ears. My husband was sleeping soundly next to me.

This song lasted about four minutes. As it played I was flooded with images, memories, moments of my life, and as it was playing it was obvious to me that it was MY LIFE being played for me in the form of a symphony. It was the hard moments, the happy moments, the stale moments – all in the form of a symphony. ‘My song’ -- as I have come to call it -- was paired with the song of my surroundings, my city, state, country, planet and universe. The pieces were distinct; I could identify what was “me” and what was my environment, but it was also one universal song, in harmony. It was humbling. It was beyond words.

The song played quickly, in a few minutes was my whole life. When it finished I was able to think back to specific moments in my life. Moments where I felt the most guilt over decisions I had made. Specifically, a moment when I had cheated on my ex-husband when we had been married only a few years. As I focused on this memory, I didn’t see what happened, but rather I heard how the pattern and sound of my song changed, it was a deep base moment in my life. The whole year leading up to and after I cheated was a soulful, deep base year. This moment in time was forever altered in my mind after this experience. I was able to view this event without judgement. It was a different note, a different tone, but it wasn’t ‘evil’ or ‘bad’. I wasn’t evil or bad for doing it.

I grew up in a strict, Christian church. At the time this experience happened to me I had been researching and studying the history of my church as well as other religions and philosophies. I had developed a love for meditation and had been doing it regularly for over six years when this event occurred. During this moment in the experience I had, I was awake; I was aware and I also felt meditative. If you meditate, you know the moment when you reach the space that feels timeless? The moment when you are released from the physical, and yet still present? But the moment your mind consciously grabs on to this moment, it also ends. During my experience that night, I was both consciously aware and somehow in the timeless flow state.

This dance of my memories and my symphony continued for hours. I wrote a portion of it down while it was occurring. I wrote the concept down in the way I understood it at the time. I wrote the concept of non-judgement, of the dance and flow of our life and our universe. I wrote about the symphony of Christ/God/Source, the Christ family, the Christ concept and how it brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe. My concept of a Christ changed, became more real, and expanded beyond what I was taught growing up. Suddenly, I was a sort of Christ as well -- with a song, a note, and a symphony that brought others into harmony just by being my authentic self. This sounds like a drastic claim, but when any of us find our authentic self, we are Him because we come from Him.

Saturday 7:00 AM:

This symphony slowly fades. I am wracked with humility, with a concept that I am a co-creator, with the concept that I am not being judged, with a concept that I am not just divine but I am divinity, and at the same time I KNOW that that my co-Creator has done and will do more for me than I can ever grasp. That there is nothing I could do in my lifetime to fully repay that which created me, except to fully embrace who I am at my core, because that is how I fully embrace my creation/creator.

I’m flying high. I’m in a state of total peace. Total. Peace. My children start waking up. I hold them with this new understanding of the universe, of who they are, of who I am -- and I live my Saturday like every Saturday before, except I am changed. Breakfast, chores, playing, simplicity with my beautiful family, and even the stale moments are beautiful.

Saturday 3:00 PM:

Concepts of the night before keep flooding through me throughout my day. It wasn’t overwhelming; it was like a steady stream. I was drinking as I was ready from a fountain of knowledge. I was able to function and do mundane, daily tasks and at the same time almost download universal concepts on tap.

Late afternoon a concept was presented to me that because of the change I had overnight, my body was changed. The food allergies I had wrestled with for over 6 years now where gone. The ulcers that were hurting me the day before where gone. I noticed my stomach was not in pain, when it was in pain almost consistently for most of my adult life. The pain was gone. I hadn’t noticed earlier because sometimes the pain was mild and I didn’t pay attention to it. But today, it wasn’t mild, it was gone. It wasn’t just gone, but I KNEW I wasn’t allergic to these foods anymore.

When it hit me, I said to my husband: “I want a crepe from Village Inn. I can eat it now without getting sick!” He looked at me like I had lost my mind. He reminded me how sick I get when I eat there. He knew I had an experience that night, although at the time neither of us understood the true impact it would have on our lives. He gently discouraged going to get a crepe because of my history. “Trust me,“ I said. “I won’t get sick from it anymore.”

As I got ready to go to the restaurant I hadn’t been to in years, I was flooded with a concept. “You are going to die.” “You are dying.” Somehow I knew if I kept pulling on this string that I couldn’t comprehend, I was pulling my death closer. I also couldn’t not pull. I felt so much peace, even with the concept of death looming over me. I had to test out my new self, my new body. I had to.

As we drove to the restaurant, I was given the impression that I had a ‘physician’ with me to watch over this event. To trust this physician like I trusted the doctors that helped me to deliver my four babies. What was coming at me was not going to be a strictly painless experience, but that what was coming would be worth the labor pains. I was sure I was going to die on the way to the restaurant. I was peaceful. I didn’t die.

At the restaurant:

I ordered my crepe. My favorite meal. If I were on death-row, I would order this meal and I hadn’t had it in years because of the pain it caused. Usually the pain would hit within 5-15 minutes; occasionally I would instantly develop blisters in my mouth before it even hit my stomach.

First bite -- my whole family is staring at me. My children know I get sick, my husband is waiting for me to bend over in pain. No pain. I waited a few minutes before taking my next bite. No pain. I started laughing. My body changed overnight. I cannot explain this, but it did. After years of restrictive eating, after almost a lifetime of ulcers. No pain. I finished my meal, my husband still watching me for signs of pain that never came, and still to this day are gone. Although I still get ulcers with too much anti-inflammatories, I was no longer allergic to food.

Leaving the restaurant:

I’m putting my children in the car, in the carseats -- I have two babes in carseats at the time -- so this takes time. I’m buckling the last one in, completely serene, when something happened to my heart. It was a physical reaction, and although I don’t understand why this moment was important, I know it had something to do with the actions I took. Pulling on that string without fear. Driving to the restaurant, knowing I was driving towards my own death, and not fully understanding what that meant.

What is felt like: I was standing outside the car. My heart felt like it expanded, stopped, expanded, and started. It wasn’t painful, but it was dramatic. I stopped moving, I stood completely still as my body responded. I can’t explain why this was significant -- but the same universal knowledge that was flooding through me told me I was changed. My body was reacting, was shifting.

The rest of the night -- nothing out of the ordinary. I knew instinctively I would never be the same, but my world as I knew it was just like it was the day before. It was a Saturday night. I got kids to bed, spent time with my husband, and went to bed planning on church the next day like we did every Sunday for most of our marriage, and like I did most of my life.

Sunday Morning 6:00 AM:

I woke up earlier than normal. I have never been a morning person. But I woke up with a desire to write and to meditate before the rest of my family woke up. As I wrote I was in a meditative state, I wrote about moments as a child when I felt ‘timelessness’ and concepts of the universe came to me. I called it “Her”.

Sunday Morning 9:00 AM:

Church. At church I am naturally meditative. I always have been. I’m introspective, attentive and hungry to understand who I am, what I am, and why. What do I need to do to be more, what do I do to be what I am supposed to be? I’ve always been hungry to understand life on a very deep level.

There are a few things that happened that morning, some things I have never spoken out loud because of what they mean to me.

After the main meeting, I took my third oldest child to nursery; my husband wasn’t feeling well so he went home with our youngest, and I stayed with the older three. My third oldest son had a hard time in nursery so I generally stayed with him, letting him get used to it. I went in, spoke with the nursery leaders, exchanged small chat and sat with my beautiful son. The universal knowledge picked that moment to open up my mind again. I was watching my son, listening to the conversations around me, although I wasn’t participating at the moment.

I heard the nursery leader sitting next to me saying she had been sorting through personal items in her home that week. At that moment she was also sorting through toys in the nursery, and at the same time I heard another level of conversation. I heard what her higher self was saying, describing. She wasn’t just sorting through physical items, in her home and at the church. She was sorting through truths. She was sorting through truth at such a level that her physical body was creating the experience in the form of a type of spring cleaning in her home as well as in other environments.

She was speaking to her husband about this, and I heard his response both with my physical ears, and with the universal ears; he was supportive of her search, journey. Both on a physical level and as his higher self. They both seemed at peace -- they were in harmony with themselves on all levels. Mentally, spiritually and physically. It was an interesting dance to watch. It was also very intimate and the ability to hear the conversation in this way was only momentary. It was just a glimpse.

Still in this meditative, introspective state, I understood that I was to watch my son very closely. I was able to hear and understand his guides on a level I couldn’t normally as an adult. I applied too much logic to my every move to listen at the level a child can. I felt that I should watch him and follow him. At the same time I got this impression, my son went to the door, wanting to leave. I opened it.

I followed him down the hall, until he stopped at a drinking fountain. As I helped him get a drink, two men came walking down the hallway. They were discussing something that had happened with a sport star at the time. I don’t follow sports so I wasn’t very clear on what had happened in the news. But they were arguing on the impact his actions had on their children and on the people that follow him. One man (who was a church leader in my ward at the time) argued that as a sports person who was watched and followed by so many people, this person had a responsibility to behave a certain way. That as a famous person, he should be a better example. As I listened, I could hear truth in it, and agreed to a certain point. Then the other man (someone I hadn’t met before) argued that it was a waste of energy to be upset by someone or something outside our scope of control. He said it is our responsibility to own our decisions, and teach our children the same. We can’t base our actions on something someone else is doing, we shouldn’t be reactive based on something outside of ourselves, and if we have a good understanding of who we are, it doesn’t matter what someone famous does or some leader does. THIS. THIS felt like a higher truth to me. It wasn’t that the first man was wrong, but it was a concept based on a lesser truth. The second man was arguing a higher perspective.

At the moment I connected with the concept of the second man, the universal knowledge that had been feeding me all weekend gently prodded me to give my support, energetically, to this second man. I never spoke a word, and this was all happening while I helped my son get a drink. I looked at the second man, I fed him the same kind of energy I would if I were actively in a conversation with him. As I did this, I watched as the second man got more and more passionate about his stance. As he got more passionate so did the first man, and in the middle of the hallway at church they raised their voices to a very passionate level. They both recognized they had made it there and shut the conversation down as they walked away from where I as standing. I am certain neither of them knew I was present, nor the impact the entire exchange had on me.

I continued to watch my son. He walked from the drinking fountain and sat on a chair outside the door to our Bishop’s office. Keep in mind that I was raised in this church. I studied scripture but did not memorize it well. However, I did have a belief in them, and in Christ -- even though my beliefs have altered a bit since, I cannot deny the concept of a Christ – I believe He is more than one being, and more than what we understand, and he is also me. But the concept remains.

As I sat with my son outside the Bishop’s office, I ‘knew’ he (the Bishop) wanted to talk to me. I was given a certain time to wait. I was told to wait until 10:26. The time was significant because a week later I met with the Bishop and he was late to our meeting, but I knew he’d arrive at 10:26, and he did. My husband witnessed this -- both my prediction and that it was true.

After I waited a few minutes, until the time said 10:26, the universal knowledge told me to knock. Typically, you don’t knock on the Bishops door when its closed. I knocked with no response. As I knocked, I felt the whole being of Christ move through me, and I was flooded with multiple scriptural passages where Christ knocks at a door. I could recite them with perfect memory in that moment, and some were scriptures I had no memory of reading. This moment was significant. This same universal knowledge -- which I tend to refer to as my higher self -- essentially gave me permission that day to leave the church I had always known.

I gathered up my kids, halfway through their classes at this point, and since my husband had taken the car, we walked home. I felt nothing but total serenity walking away from something that I had always known. A church that was essential in my upbringing and to this day still influences me in a big way. I have never felt bitter or angry that I was in it as long as I was because it was part of creating what I am now.

As I walked up the hill in our beautiful neighborhood towards my beautiful home, I was experiencing a stream of downloads again about who I am, and what was happening to me. I am Eve. I am Christ. I am Earth. I am Sky.

I was breaking something and fixing something all at the same time. It felt personal, it felt global. It felt significant and like a whisper all at the same time. I was a bridge or a door between worlds and concepts. The wind was teaching me. I could feel energies around me that are beyond comprehension. I was more than I could imagine, but not just me, all of us. Something big was coming.

Throughout the day, my mind was expanded. I could see an inner-meaning in all things around me. I could read scripture and see a meaning beyond anything I could have grasped prior to this experience. Nothing was frightening in them. I saw all of it with almost a bird’s eye view.

It was a regular Sunday other than the wild expansion I was experiencing. I made lunch, played games with my children, made dinner, had conversations with friends and family about insights I was gaining that weekend, still not expanding completely on the level at which I was experiencing it. I played the piano at one point and was able to play a portion of my song of the moment which I was experiencing in that moment. I was simultaneously learning and completely surrendering to all that is.

Sunday After Dinner:

We were playing games as a family. My son had been complaining of mouth pain on and off throughout the day. At bedtime he came to me and said the pain had gotten drastically worse. At first I thought perhaps he was stalling bedtime, so I just walked to the medicine cupboard to get him medicine. But as I turned and looked in my son’s eyes I could SEE, almost mathematically, that his infection in his mouth had reached a point that it needed immediate attention.

My son has misleadingly chubby, adorable cheeks. It was difficult for my husband to see the swelling underneath that I could see. I could see it with my physical eyes, but there was something else, a pattern, a potentiality, that I could see in him. I knew he needed to go to the hospital. I was as sure of it as if I had seen a fire, and I needed to put it out. But I wasn’t in a panic either. It was a completely solvable situation. We had the medicine he needed, but not in my home. He was the fire, and the bucket of water was in the hospital. My husband was not convinced.

I placed a phone call to my sister who is a Nurse Practitioner. I asked her if there was a point where a tooth infection could get dangerous. He didn’t have a fever, but I still knew it needed to be addressed. She said it could be dangerous if it started swelling into his eye. From where I was standing, that’s exactly what was happening.

As we discussed what to do, a snowstorm started up. When it started snowing my husband became even more against me taking my son to the hospital. He did not see an issue with my son, and truly felt I saw something that wasn’t there. I remember saying, “I can’t change what you see, I can only act on what I see.“

I felt so calm, and I was so sure of what I needed to do that the discussion was short, and we didn’t quite make it to an argument. This whole conversation was life-changing for me and I refer to the confidence I felt in that moment very often. Any time I’m in a situation where I don’t see eye to eye with someone, I’ve found I don’t have a need to change their mind, I can own my truth and my actions.

My son and I left for the hospital in the snowstorm. At the time, we lived in a home up in a mountain area in Southern Salt Lake Valley. Anytime a storm hit the area it was exaggerated in the mountains where we lived. If the valley got a few inches, we would get a few feet. When it stormed up there, it really stormed. This was one of my favorite things about living there. As I drove down the mountain, the storm picked up. Trees were in the road, wind was insane, and the snowfall was so heavy it was hypnotizing. I wasn’t afraid, but driving in snow was never frightening for me.

But in that moment, in my calm, serene moment in the center of a storm, driving my son to the hospital for an infection, I was flooded with an impression. “You and your son will not survive this trip.” I stayed calm. I remembered my impression the day before where I was told to trust the process I was going through. In that moment, in the storm, facing my death in the most real way I ever had before, and quite possibly the death of my child too, I said, “I surrender, but, if at all possible, don’t let my son feel pain.” I was calm. Trees were falling in front of my car. Calm. I was looking at death straight in the eyes.

Calm. The words of a scripture came flooding into me, through me and out of me. “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil.” This is all I consciously remember of this particular scripture, but at the time I knew it like I was reading it, like I created it. I was not saying it out of fear, it was a statement. I was not afraid. In the shadow of death. I was not afraid.

I’m now about 6 minutes from home, going down the steepest part of the hill. Knowing I had to keep going, I had reached a point of no return, although I can’t explain how I knew that. I’m feeling so much peace as I drive and I felt something happening to my body again physically. This time it wasn’t my heart. From just below my chest to the top of my pelvic area, it felt like someone had placed a heat pack on me. The temperature was comparable to getting in a hot tub. It felt so good to me. Although I cannot explain this phenomenon, it is something that has happened to me more than once since the first time I experienced it like I’m describing now. It seems to coincide with life events that give deep healing. The heat started when I as only about 7-8 min from my home, still about 30 minutes from the Children’s Hospital. The snow was mesmerizing, and I kept my breath steady as I calmly waited for my moment on earth to end.

Then, Oneness. I’m on I-215 at this point. The time from the onset of the heat and this next moment was about 15 minutes. I am no longer alone in my car with my son driving in a storm, possibly to my own death. I am now somehow everything, but still me. With the religious background I had growing up the only words I had to describe it at the time was that my Father in Heaven was in the car with me. That His spirit was so beyond words that somehow everything that was Him was also Me. I was one with all there is, and I was aware of all things at once. There aren’t words for this. Even as I try to describe it, my mind fights me. Our minds cannot comprehend this, so our words can’t capture it.

I did not ask questions in this state, I didn’t need to. Everything was as it should be, and I had complete peace. I was in this state of being from the State Street exit until about 4 minutes after I took my exit. In total I remained in that state of being for about 15 minutes.

I started to come out of this state as I realized I had made it down the mountain, and off both freeways without incident. This was the first moment it occurred to me that I would make it to the hospital alive. I pulled over at this point to navigate the rest of the way to the hospital. As I pulled in, I honestly was a little confused. We lived.

Sunday Night, At the Hospital:

I walked into the hospital. A portion of myself processing what had just happened, while the rest of me went into full Mom-business mode and the ER. “What brings you to the ER?” The strangest thing about this moment in my experience was that no one would look me in the eyes when we were interacting. As I looked around the room and made connections, no one would look at me. Including those helping me directly. It was a strange sensation.

There was only one person that did make eye contact with me. He was a volunteer there at the hospital, and as I scanned the room in deep thought, he locked eyes with me, smiling. If I didn’t know better, I would say somehow he knew what I had just gone through, and maybe on some level he did. I can’t be sure. When I looked back at him, I felt an intense wave of gratitude pouring out of him. I returned the energy.

We proceeded to check in. My son, sitting calmly next to me, completely unaware of the completely transformative experience I had just had/was having. I smiled and winked at him as we walked into his room in the hospital.

Sunday Night, the Doctor:

My son and I waited patiently in his hospital room, and his cheek had swollen to twice the size from the time we left our home to the time we made it to our room in the hospital. It was now plain to see for anyone looking at him. It was swelling into his eye area and the rate at which it doubled in size was not surprising to me, but it was alarming.

There was a child in a room across from us screaming, and my son suggested we say a prayer for him. I said it, as my son was in discomfort, and as I finished up our doctor walked in.

The doctor was able to quickly diagnose my son as his symptoms were apparent at this time. He turned to me and I heard him say, “He is going to need an IV antibiotic.” I looked at my son, who was familiar with what an IV was because I had them everyday for three months the year prior, due to difficulties in my pregnancy. My son’s eyes got big, knowing what was coming, but he didn’t squirm. I nodded my head, as I half expected that answer.

The doctor gave me a run-down of what to expect over the next few days and at what point to bring him back in, one of these signs being that his wound swells to twice its size in a small amount of time, I informed him that exact thing had happened that night. The doctor left.

I talked to my son to prepare him for the IV. He asked me questions, I replied honestly, and I even gave him a pinch so he would understand what was coming. My son was apprehensive but calm as we waited for the nurse to bring the IV bag in.

When the nurse did return however, she brought us a bag of pills and a check-out form. My son and I looked at each other in confusion. We had both heard the doctor say that my son needed an IV. The nurse told us the doctor had ordered pills, not an IV, and she could see that I was uncomfortable with that solution. The nurse could see the confusion in my face and said, “If you’re concerned, speak up.” I simply said, “I’m concerned.” She smiled, and went back for the doctor.

The doctor entered the room almost immediately after and addressed our concerns. “Doctor, I thought you said he needed an IV.” “No, I didn’t mention an IV. However, he is borderline, and I can give him an IV if you feel like he needs one.” “I feel like he needs one.” They ordered an IV.

Since this took place, I have thought often about the full exchange. Why did my son and I hear something completely different from what the doctor had said? Anytime I try to answer that question I also think back to the moment in church earlier that day when I had heard the physical conversation as well as the spiritual conversation of the people around me. The only answer I have for this is that I must have heard what his higher self was saying. He was on the fence about the IV according to our second conversation, and it made me wonder if his Higher Self knew my son needed it, while his physical self wasn’t sure it was at that level. Of course, this is just not an answer I’ll know in this lifetime.

The IV was brought in. I held my son’s free hand and coached him to look at me instead of the needle. I tried to distract him by asking him what colors he saw in my eyes and encouraged him to keep finding different colors until the nurse had finished getting the IV in. He barely flinched through the whole process, his cute little cheek the size of a golf ball at this point.

We just sat and cuddled while the IV finished, the nurse and doctor gave us check-out papers, and we proceeded to leave the room. As we crossed the threshold of the hospital room I distinctly heard, “It is done.” And at that moment my son stopped in his tracks because his infection had burst inside his mouth giving him some much-needed relief. We left the hospital.

>First Hell<

As we started our drive home, I started to feel like the whole event I had experienced over the weekend was starting to fade. I had wondered if the full thing took place just so I could get my son to the doctor, even though I am not convinced it was life-threatening. I was just in awe of the whole thing and was starting to process.

On the drive home I was very tired. It was close to three in the morning at this point. So to help me stay awake, I turned the radio on. My son had fallen asleep almost immediately. As I turned the radio on there was a song on that I had heard a million times. I can’t even remember what it is anymore, but it was a typical pop/R&B song. One about a man wanting a woman. As I listened, I felt a strange sensation in my body. I felt insanely sensual, as if the words where touching me. Then as my body responded to the sensations I was flooded with a concept. A concept of a male energy that was in love with me, needed me, craved me beyond words. I was leaning into these sensations. The sexual energy, the concept of being loved on that level, it was different than the love I had felt all weekend though. I started to notice the difference as I was leaning in. This energy didn’t just love me, it wanted to possess me. I don’t mean possess my body like a horror film, but it wanted to possess everything I am. To own me.

“You will always be safe, but you will be mine.” I heard this as I felt the energy wrap up my body and around my neck. I got a download of a concept of what it meant to be possessed by this energy. I would be protected, I would be wanted, loved in the way I was feeling at that moment, craved, desired, but I had to be obedient to it and fit a mold. The love I had been feeling all weekend was the opposite of this. This protection and love would cost me and was conditional on me always doing as I was told, like a good girl. But not ‘morally’ good. ‘Good’ according to his whims and ideas of what suits him.

I started to feel claustrophobic. My chest tightened. I held my breath. The energy was overwhelming, almost felt like a god. The concept both sensual and frightening, the level at which this energy wanted to possess me was more intense than I can put in words. I quieted my body, I quieted my mind, I turned off the music and simply said, “No.”

A rush of intense anger came at me. It was anger filled with heartbreak, it was wailing, gnashing, screaming, and then it was gone.

This all took place in under a few minutes, but it took me two years and EMDR therapy to get to a place where I could even speak of it. I didn’t vocalize it for a very long time because of its nature and intensity. I don’t let it control my emotions anymore.

>Hell Two<

At this point I was barely on the freeway a few miles. My car was silent. My son was soundly asleep and I was reflecting on the Oneness I felt on my drive to the hospital. “If we are one, we are also alone.” I thought.

As if my words were everything, I was transported to a space in that moment that I have only one word to describe: the void. It was similar to the experience I had when I felt Oneness, but instead of being a part of all living things, I was the ONLY living thing.

The best way I can describe it is -- it was as if I was alone, in space, in the universe. I was an eternal being, I was aware, conscious, alive and incapable of death, and I was alone. Not just alone, but nothing existed outside of my awareness. It was like a black hole. I stayed in this void from the Ft. Union Exit on I-215 to about 106th South on I-15. The distance is about 8 minutes. As I experienced the void, it felt like pure torture. I remember thinking it would be easier to have been kidnapped and physically tortured than to have endured complete nothingness where only I existed.

This is another portion of what I experienced that took me years to speak of, as well as therapy to recover from. This eight minutes gave me PTSD for a long time.

While in the void I wasn’t panicked. I was in a form of shock momentarily, and I wasn’t sure how to get out. I thought of space movies I’d seen before, I thought of what kept them safe, their equipment, the tethers to the rockets to keep them attached to something. I thought of a tether or a cord extending from myself to the only energy I had felt complete safety with, and that was the Christ energy. The energy that had started the experience with my life review two days before. I tethered myself to my concept of Christ, and I was not alone any more.

>Hell Three<

By the time I arrived home I was exhausted beyond words. Any parent who has taken their child to the ER in a snowstorm and gotten home late knows the kind of tired I’m speaking of. And on top of that I had been though heaven and hell – quite literally -- over the past two days. Sleep was all I wanted.

I dropped into bed close to 3 am (?). I was up at 5. But this time wasn’t like the other two mornings when I had total clarity. I was scattered. I was awake, it felt urgent to be awake, but I had no clarity. I got up, went downstairs to meditate, and found it harder than normal. This was a frequent practice for me at the time, but I found it really difficult.

Instead, I curled up in a ball on the living room floor and that’s where my husband found me. He encouraged me back to bed as I only had about an hour left to catch up on sleep before he went to work. I crawled back in bed and slept the remaining hour, I was barely aware of my husband leaving, and my oldest son was taking his siblings downstairs so as to not disturb me.

As I woke up this time, I woke up planning my own death. The hells I had experienced the night before, coupled with feeling like a prisoner in my body, and missing the sensations of heaven I had felt, my entire system was overwhelmed, and my only solution was to die.

I thought about shooting myself. But was concerned about my children hearing it or finding me, as well as my husband having to clean it up. I thought of taking pills but worried about the doctor who had prescribed them to me and didn’t want to cause any issues with him. I was trapped.

I paced my room, and finally reached out to a family member, my oldest sister. I started to tell her pieces of what happened to me over the weekend. It was life changing, I knew that, but now I felt desperate to get home -- to my real Home. She listened patiently and mentioned a news article she had seen earlier that week about a woman who had post-partum psychosis and killed herself.

Hospital. For the first time it occurred to me that I might be safe from myself if I went to the hospital.

I had a sweet college student living with me at the time who was supposed to have started work that day, but her boss’s mother had died, and asked her to wait another few days to start. She was home. I asked her to watch my kids, without telling them what was happening. I started for my car, but I knew if I drove myself, I would use it as a tool to crash. I texted my neighbor and close friend: “Can you take me to the hospital?” She was also supposed to be at work that day, but she had a feeling she should stay home.

I showed up moments later on her porch, no bra, no makeup, no socks, with my fake-Uggs on. As she opened the door, the weight I had been feeling lifted so dramatically that I almost completely fell over. There was love emanating from her. So much that it lifted the painful thoughts enough for me to breathe. She held me for a moment on her doorstep, still unaware of why I needed to go in.

“If I drive myself to the hospital, I’m going to drive off the cliff. I can’t explain what is happening, but I went through something over this weekend and I can’t get my mind back.” She gathered her things, and I could feel the supportive, loving energy from her pouring in. I started to tell her pieces of what happened. In the moment I had thought maybe the whole thing happened so I could help my son, I was rambling off the possibilities, barely taking a breath, when I received a text message from my younger sister -- who was completely unaware of what I was going through that morning.

“I don’t know what is going on, but Mom is here, and she wants you to take a breath.” I saw the message and took a breath and let myself be wrapped up in the comfort of a Mother. The timing of this message alone is miraculous. The other detail that makes this message incredible is the fact that my Mom died in 2006. To put it simply, my sister is gifted, and my Mother’s energy is strong.

My friend proceeded to tell me that she was going to do some spiritual work on me called Reiki. As she connected with me, she could see that I was filled with a gold light, one she hadn’t experienced before. Then, calm.

At the Hospital:

It’s hard for me to articulate the state of my mind as I went to the hospital. I let go of control, knowing that if I was allowed to make a decision, I would choose death.

My friend took me to meet my husband, who was in almost shock from seeing me in distress at the level I was at. I had never had suicidal tendencies, and although I am an emotional being, I was always grounded and logical. I told my husband, “I can’t make decisions today, I need to get to the hospital or I am going to take my own life.” He took me in.

With my mind in the state it was in everything I looked at meant something, had a deeper meaning, but it wasn’t clear like it had been the days previously. It was frightening and chaotic. I did my best to clear my mind and stay calm. My sister-in-law, who worked on a psych-ward as a nurse showed up to the hospital with us, and I stayed huddled in her arms while my husband checked me in. I was scared. Beyond words scared. I was aware enough to know I may never be the same again; I did not know if I’d ever retrieve my mind. I wondered if I was going through psychosis, had a brain tumor, or some other illness in the brain that would cause all the things that had happened to me over the weekend. I NEEDED an explanation so I would also see an end to the terror I was experiencing that day.

The Room:

We were shown to a room where I could be monitored. I laid there in fetal position on the cold, hard surface of a bed they had in this room created for people wanting to take their own life. Stale, cold room. I was quiet, I was meditative. Anytime I came out of a meditative state the terror would start again; my only control was to silence my mind, and do my best not to go down he rabbit holes trying to process my environment.

I can still see the desperate look in my husband’s eyes as he watched me try to stay quiet. Both of us helpless to what was happening. Dad arrived. With tears in his eyes he wrapped me up in his big arms and I felt that rush of love like I did with my friend. When this energy came in, I was in bliss, not afraid, trusting of what was happening. Dad and Jason proceeded to give me a traditional blessing for the sick that is performed in my childhood church. In this blessing my Dad said, “The balance will be returned to you, and your mind will heal.” These words where crucial to my healing. Balance.

I had felt like the moon had exploded and, I was earth shifting from hot to cold, unpredictable, off its axis aching for the balance the moon provides. I let go of fear, trusting the words my Dad gave me.

Psych-Ward:

By the time I made it to the psych ward I was calm, peaceful. There was still a shit-storm in happening in my mind, but I had made a decision to watch it go by instead of fear what it was. To experience it instead of control it. It very much felt like my drive to the hospital when I was calm driving in the middle of an intense snowstorm. It hadn’t stopped, but my judgement and concern of it did.

By the time I was in the psych ward it was late. Everyone was asleep. I sat and filled out papers and discussed what to expect with the person doing intakes in the hospital. I had to leave my husband and ride in an ambulance to a different hospital, so I was on my own at this point.

As I watched the man onboarding me into the unit, I could sense his kindness to an extreme. Strangely he averted looking at me directly in the eyes, much like the people in the hospital with my son. When he did look at me directly his hands would shake, and he lost concentration as he delivered the rules and expectations on the unit. At one point he even stopped and apologized that his hand was shaking so much.

Next, I was taken to my room where my roommate was asleep. I was stripped down to nothing. I was asked to squat and cough to prove I wasn’t hiding anything inside my body. The nurses handled me with almost a reverence that I imagine they give to each of their patients, and I was grateful for that. Then I was left alone again, in fetal position, cold, in a strange room without my mind fully intact.

The next few portions of my story are harder to place time stamps on because my level of clarity was not the same as it was when it all started. I am not sure if that is because of the level of emotional endurance I was at, or if it is just the nature of the cycle I was in while at the hospital. I’ll describe events I experienced while I was there; forgive the lack of a timetable on these ones.

I was only given medication once at the hospital, an anti-anxiety that put me to sleep the second night I was there. Other than that, I didn’t take anything. <>Heavenly Mother/Divine Feminine:

I had a really bad headache and I was laying in my bed, and my mind started down one of the holes. I was enduring a waking nightmare, calling for my Mom and I could not find her. As I laid there sobbing, trying to be quiet for my roommate, I had a memory surface of my son that happened a few months earlier.

My son had had a night-terror. The kind where they look awake, their eyes are open, but they are not awake. He was crying, and screaming for me. He was in so much distress, and it was happening while I was holding him. I had him safe in my arms, I was crying over his distress softly saying, “Mommy’s, Mommy’s here. You are safe.”

As this memory emerged, I was able to release the waking nightmare and a flood of divine feminine energy washed over me. It was so intense that my headache disappeared on contact, and it was like I was completely wrapped up in divine, motherly love. I didn’t return to that particular nightmare again.

>Judgement<

This hell was particularly rough for me but has been one of the most transformational as well. It took me two years to get past the trauma of this one, and I had to undergo EMDR therapy for it as well.

I have mentioned before that I grew up religious. This wasn’t the kind of religion where you attend church once a year. My whole life was centered on it. I made my choice of when and how to marry based on it. I made career (or didn’t make) career choices based on my upbringing in this church. It was my center. The concept of judgment hadn’t been frightening to me growing up though. I had made mistakes, but I had a good heart in my opinion. The way my church portrayed it didn’t seem as harsh as other religions. That being said, this was my experience:

I was presented to a council. I was naked. Not just physically naked. All things naked. To the soul, naked. If you recall my initial experience with my life review, the incredible symphony that healed my body. This would be its opposite. I saw things I had done, intentionally and not, that had shattered the lives of others. I saw my ripple effect from the perspective of fear. I screamed a silent scream. Over and over. There was no escaping the damage I had caused. It wasn’t exaggerated, it was fair, and concise. And I couldn’t hide from any piece of it. I was completely exposed. I’m naked, this is me and there’s no power I have that will change what I am, what I was and the effect I had on others.

My only response: “Yes, I am these things, yes, I did these things, yes, I am naked and imperfect and have shattered lives with my decisions. But I know Him. I know Christ. I know Him, I’ve experienced His energy, and I believe the word.”

It stopped. I didn’t get a ruling, but it stopped.

>Concept of Cycles of Life<

This experience came after the divine feminine and after Judgment. I was standing, looking out the window of my room. A concept of our earth life being a reflection of spiritual truths came to me -- this wasn’t a new idea for me. I had studied this concept a few times. But It came in a form I hadn’t thought of. I saw how on earth we live each day, go to bed, wake up, live again. Each day is new, but its also just slightly different from the previous day depending on our life choices. We grow, or we don’t grow. We thrive some days and some days are a shit-show. Our thoughts and patterns from years ago set in motion our present moment.

This concept was broadened from days to lifetimes. Prior to this moment I had only considered reincarnation or multiple life probations fleetingly. I hadn’t ever spent a lot of thought on it because to me -- it didn’t matter. It wasn’t pertinent to me trying to be my best self. As the concept came to me I was overwhelmed. “No, I can’t.” “I can’t do this over and over and over again, please, no!”

“Shhh….” Peace. I thought of sleep, of how we can recharge every night, we wake up refreshed and ready for the next day. I thought of how much could be accomplished with that kind of ‘progression of life’ in the realm of ‘time’, and as I thought of this concept this way the overwhelm dissipated.

>Being Named/Trusting It<

Shortly after the concept of life cycles came, I heard, but not with my physical ears, “You are Christ.” It was said with authority. It was said with empathy. It was said simply.

I broke. I could not grasp this. In the context of progressing through multiple lives, instead of one, I only had the idea that my next life I would be in a Christ story as a Christ. Please understand that at no point did I believe or was it impressed on me that I am THE CHRIST. It was a name, a title.

“I’m not that strong,” I said sobbing. “I’m not that strong!” “I am not that strong!!!!” “I need Christ, I am not Christ!!” I cried and cried and cried. When I stopped my tantrum, the same authoritative voice said one thing. “You’ve trusted me in this before.” And I let go.

>Choice to Continue<

On the second or third night of my stay I had a vision. I was brought to a room with three other people. I can’t recall who they were to me, but I knew we had worked closely in some way on my life plan. They proceeded to give me a choice. “Do you want to come home or keep going?” I understood their meaning. I could choose death, I could choose rest.

I only asked one question, and it was to one person. He felt like a father figure, but I don’t know the nature of our relationship. I trusted him more than anyone I can think of, and I trusted that he knew two things:

  1. What I still had ahead of me to endure – because he had done it before me.
  2. What I was capable of enduring -- because he knew me at a level I didn’t know me.

With the understanding of those two simple concepts. I asked him, “Am I strong enough?” With a nod of his head, no words, just a nod, I turned, and I left the meeting determined to live. I could tell the others in the meeting wanted to give me more details. I asked them not to. It was like when I told my son not to watch the needle enter his arm when they gave him an IV. If I don’t brace too hard, the impact of what’s coming is less. I don’t worry, stress or panic. I trust that I resurface.

Visit on the Psych-Ward:

One night while I was there Jason came to visit and brought a friend with him to give me another blessing for the sick. They got to the unit a little late and we were rushing with our visit. When they first arrived, I was in the middle of re-living the trauma of Judgement. The judgement itself wasn’t reoccurring but I was remembering it and unsure of what it meant. I was curled up in a ball on my bed, frightened and pale.

As they walked in, and I saw their reaction to me, their sympathy, their kindness, I was able to soften and come out of the hell I was re-living, that I understood later was part of the PTSD.

There was a lot that had happened, and my husband’s friend wanted to hear how I had landed myself in the psych-ward. We had worked together, and knew each other a long time, and this was not typical for me. As I relayed my story, and filled my husband in on the things that had occurred since the last time I saw him, at least the things I felt I could speak of – I felt myself coming back into balance. I was grounded, calm, secure.

As we spoke, our visiting hours ended and we knew at some point a nurse was going to ask them to leave. We were in my room in the hospital with the door shut, but there was a window for the nurses to check on us. As I told me story my back was to the window. Both Jason and “Harry” told me later that as I told my story, they watched as multiple nurses peeked in my room to check on me, looked straight at the guys and kept walking. They both kept holding their breath, hoping for more time to hear the end of the story and to be able to be a comfort to me for longer. As I spoke the last sentence, the door opened. It was now an hour past visiting hours and the surprised nurse asked the men to leave, trying to figure out how they had managed to stay that long after visiting hours.

My husband wrote to my family the next day with his feelings about what he thought I had been through and why. It was very profound.

Returning Home:

Once I was able to return home I was grounded enough to function as a Mother. The effects were starting to wear off; however, there are a few experiences I had after I got home that I would like to write about.

Seeing My Spiritual/Higher/Real/Next Self:

Mostly the visions and concepts had stopped at this point, but there was one night that it hit suddenly as I was getting ready for bed.

I was taking a shower before bed and it was like I was seeing a memory. This is the only time I saw something outside myself, although the conversation I heard was not audible, just like the rest of my experiences; it was more like a downloaded playback, and someone had started the memory mid-conversation. I could ‘feel’ how I felt emotionally and cognitively in the memory. I was like a child. Excited, playful, no fears in the world. But I was also somehow more intelligent than I am in my current form/life. The being with me was a Father figure, likely the same one that had been constant throughout this journey. I could feel His love for me emanating from Him.

This is how the short conversation went: “What do you want to look like?” He said. As I thought about my answer, I watched the water droplets in my shower take form. This was the one and only time I saw a vision with my physical eyes, and part of me wonders if it was just so vivid in my mind that I could see myself in the steam and water in front of me, like a mirror. The form I saw is imprinted in my memory. It was/is me that I saw. I didn’t look exactly like I do now, but my eyes didn’t change. I saw my eyes, looking back at me, in a slightly different form. As I look back, it felt like one of the more powerful co-creation moments of my lifetime. Like my desires mixed with my Father figure’s creation knowledge combined to show me, me.

While this occurred, I also gave a reply to his original question. “I don’t care what I look like, as long as he is attracted to me.” He laughed, then asked, “What do you want him to look like?” “Superman!!!!” I yelled, and we both started laughing.

Then I got serious, I only had one question for this master creator I was speaking to, only one question about what we were creating together. I braced myself, took a breath and asked, “Will there be dancing?” He laughed even harder this time than he did before like the way a parent laughs when a toddler says something beyond adorable, “Yes, there will be dancing.” The playback ended there.

Crystals:

One morning I woke up feeling off balance. I felt like my mind was slipping too far to the right side or complete chaos, then to the left side that felt completely cold and calculated. Both sides at their extremes are ‘hellish’.

I was impressed to grab some crystals I had purchased a month before in an airport. I did not have a belief system for or against crystals prior to this experience, and I’m still not sure if they actually helped me obtain balance, or if they provided a visual I needed to obtain balance myself. I’ll do my best to describe how they helped. Both crystals were from the same rock. They had broken on my flight home. They were originally about 20 inches long, and 2.5 inches in diameter at their biggest point. It looked like a wand made from the earth. When they broke I ended up with one piece about 6 inches long and a another about 14 inches long.

I took them and placed them in front of me, unsure how they were meant to help. Then as my mind did a barrel roll into the right side, I would pick up the crystals. I placed the short one in my right hand, the long one in my left, and somehow I would feel myself being pulled back to center. I would sit in the center for a moment, then the exact opposite would happen and I’d barrel roll into my left brain, so I would switch hands. Take the short crystal in my left hand, long in my right.

My sister was there and would watch me while I alternated hands. When I was in balance I was able to have a conversation with her. As my mind started to shift to the right or to the left, my conversational capabilities would stop. I wasn’t able to conceptualize what I was thinking into words. She observed but saw that the technique was working, even if I can’t describe how it worked or how I knew it would work. It reminds me of the concept of phantom limb syndrome, when you can put a mirror up to a person to create the illusion of the missing limb being there. The visual of the rocks “pulling” me back to center had some type of effect to keep me grounded. This lasted about 15 minutes, then I was balanced and the swings stopped.

Dream of the Return of Balance:

One morning I woke up and heard the words, “By the time you are 36, the balance will be restored.” In the moment, I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted and afraid, I did not think I’d survive four years.

But the balance came back to me in chunks as I sorted through everything that happened. I will be 36 this year. I feel restored, grounded and balanced. I suppose the trend will continue as I age, and likely ebb and flow, like the seasons. But the moon has returned and I’m back on my axis, experiencing life as intended -- where the shore meets the water, the break, balanced between worlds.

Now:

This may be a strange statement, but I can honestly say the parts of my experience that caused the most change and the most growth were the hellish ones. Or rather, the fight I fought to overcome them caused the most change. I compare it frequently to weightlifting. It was spiritual weightlifting. Not a punishment, it was a tool. These tools gave me perspective into what my boundaries are, what is important to me, what I’m willing to fight for, and the length I’m willing to go for love.

Who am I? I am a single mother to four beautiful children. Professionally I am an accounting consultant. I divorced my husband of 15 years last year due to a drastic change in who I am fundamentally after this experience, and we just stopped being compatible. Other than my experience, anyone on the outside looking in would see an average suburban family.

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