The emergency room staff rushed me to have an emergency cerclage placed on my cervix. After the cerclage was placed via surgical stitches, I was told everything would be okay. The next day my water bag broke in spite of the surgical cerclage. I was rushed back to surgery to have the cerclage removed in order for the baby to be delivered. I was taken to another hospital for the surgical removal of the cerclage. Everyone waited for the baby to arrive. He was born but his lungs were not developed so he was stillborn. I was losing an enormous amount of blood, as the placenta had not come out. On the third day of massive blood loss, I was rushed into emergency surgery for the third time within a three-day period. What I experienced during the surgery was death. How wonderful it was!
I am not a suicidal person. In fact, ironically I have always enjoyed life and lived it somewhat carefree, which is why I feel hypocritical guilt when I say "I preferred my presence in death over my past and present life here in the world. However, since my experience, I have reason to justify why I have always been so carefree. God’s message to me was that he is in control of everything. He also told me not in words but through understanding that all of the bodily feelings, events and emotions like anger, embarrassment, grief, stress and the many disappointments that occur in one’s lifetime is totally small and irrelevant in comparison to the afterlife feelings and experiences with him. They are merely small events to form the makeup of life while you are in the flesh.
I was drawn into a light. Everything went totally black. When I became alert again, I was in an extremely bright atmospheric presence with no boundaries. This presence had no shape or form; it was just everywhere like the air you breathe. However, off to the right was a more definite presence that seemed to have a more direct relationship with me. A smaller section of the presence that had a more direct personal relationship with my spirit as far as understanding why I felt the way I felt in the mist of the greater presence. It was like he chuckled in the Spirit at my joy and overwhelming "wow" reactions. It is like the smaller spirit shared my human joys and understood them. The greater presence I knew was God. The smaller section off to the right of the atmospheric presence was indeed "Christ" and he was the one who led me there. When I realized it and began to take in my surroundings, I noticed that I was blended in with this atmospheric being. He gave me understanding not in words but in a satisfying knowledge way. All I remember saying constantly was "So that is what life is about?" He just kept on clarifying questions that I had in my mind about life but never asked. I was given an understanding to questions that left me over satisfied, without wonder and questionless.
The divine presence was so calm I had a feeling that superseded peace. The feeling was what everyone searches for in life through money, religion, marriage and everything else. This was it. Then I started understanding why people are constantly searching and are never satisfied. It is because what we long for is not here on earth. The word doesn’t even exist. The only word that may come close to this presence is a strong peace, God. I began to see different events in my life that I had no knowledge or memory of until he showed them to me, like the time when I was in kindergarten humiliated and embarrassed for not knowing the answer to a question. He showed me how embarrassed, I mean I was literally over embarrassed at that time. We all literally laughed "at me." I was given clarity of how important and deep that embarrassing moment felt at the time. He showed me many other irrelevant moments that seemed so important at the time, times I don't even remember. He brought them to my memory like showing a movie vividly before me. But now it meant nothing. He also showed me a moment in my life when I was about sixteen and I was frying chicken. It had absolutely no meaning to me. But it was a moment amongst many unimportant moments in my life. Then all of a sudden my whole life seemed silly and so unimportant.
All my life I had life overrated and he showed it to be just a bundle of events. The understanding he gave me for these showings of myself was to show that they happened, they passed and are no more and mean nothing. He is forever. The life that he showed me in death was divine. I wondered where were the earthly negative feelings and disappointments, letdowns, struggles and cares of the world. Then I said with confirmation "You are in control and that's all life was about." I just kept saying, "You are in control so that's all life was about." Unbelievably saying, "You are in control." I started to feel like life was so worthless compared to this existence then I heard somebody screaming.
I was going back towards a light away from the bright being and I began to say "I don't want to go back this is where I want to be and I heard the smaller section of the presence say "but you have a husband who loves you very much" I was sooo disappointed and angry. I said who is that screaming. I kept saying who is that screaming. I started seeing lights and I looked down and saw my body like I was looking at somebody else. I never saw myself in such a full distant view like this. I said "that's me" but why am I screaming" then in one split second. I was back in my body and realized why I was screaming. I was still in surgery and had begun to feel pain.
I feel guilty a lot because I feel like I chose my husband over God and I never would want to do this. He doesn’t know it but I sometimes feel resentment for the decision whoever made to send me back. I think about What I was told when I came back to my body, "You have a husband who Loves you very much" and I feel a lot of resentment. I spend a lot of time daydreaming trying to recapture the events or the feelings I had while amidst the presence. The more I am here on earth I fear the memory of the experience will fade. I don't want it to fade. The experience was more than euphoric.
When I used to go to church, I was in awe of the pastor and the stories he told about Jesus and God. Now the pastor's sermon seems boring, underrated, and monotonous. I used to be afraid to speak against a pastor. Now when I go to different churches I can call out the true anointed pastors. It's like something is showing me the ones who are teaching truth accordingly to his calling from the ones who are not. These things are vivid to me. I don't take the events in my life so serious because I now know it is so, so temporary and short.