Diagnosed terminal and in and out of consciousness for several weeks, I had been told there was no help on too many planes to explain here. Regardless, I was 39 days into a 30 day life expectancy. I weighed not only the opportunity for assistance but the practicality of it as well. I slept for hours during the days and nights. I was sicker than sick. My doctors later explained that was the sickest any human being could ever be. I was at the doorway of death in both mind and body. Most of my memory of those days are limited to say the least. As are any recollections of any dreams. Dreams were just seemingly non-existent for me and honestly still are rare today. But the one memory and the events
surrounding it marked a definitive turning point for me and still remains the most vivid experience of my life. It also marks the most defined crossroads of my life. I assumed at the time that it was a dream. Nothing in my frame of reference or life experience could explain the details or content to me. At the time this "dream" seemed real. Realer than real. Wetter than water. The realest thing I had encountered in my life. It wouldn't be until three years later that I was further enlightened to what the meaning of this “dream” actually was. It was no dream. It is long and detailed so decide now if the next 10 minutes (the time it will take you to read this) is worth your time.
This is a deeply personal experience for me and there are lessons for everyone in it. Especially my family. But it is long takes some open-mindedness, respect, and a commitment to read something that someone unveils with humility and vulnerability. To bleed this information onto this page was not easy for me. Before you label me “weird” (which I am OK with by the way), perhaps you will want to do it with information to support your “judgment”. Here is my Near Death experience:
.....I found myself in an open expanse of darkness. Oddly it surrounded me and even odder was I could seemingly see 360 degrees without turning my head. I just knew it was endless. There was a noise or maybe best stated a vibration or humming sound. The noise didn't scare me, in point of fact it seemingly calmed me. In the distance there was a soft and peaceful reddish glow. It grew larger and larger. It seemed red but as I got closer it appeared peach-colored and pink and even orange. To this date describing the colors is still difficult for me because I had never experienced colors so vivid and brilliant. Almost like the phases of a cloud-cluttered sunset or sunrise...the way the colors evolve with the slipping sun and reflected onto the clouds. I didn't move but could certainly feel the glow getting larger and larger as if I were rushing to it without effort. There was no tunnel as some report.
The glow emanated from what appeared to be the lip of what seemed like the edge of a volcano for lack of better previous memory recall. Almost ineffable really.Trying to piece it together with the framework of my current memory data banks, the closest thing I could align it with is a volcano. The edge curved only slightly but definitely rounding in each direction to an expanse that seemed limitless. Suddenly I was on the edge and then some. My feet dangled so far over the edge that it would seemingly be impossible to maintain balance but that wasn't a problem. I felt weightless and at great peace.
The glow of red now seemed pinkish and orange and was clearly not a volcano but as I peered over my toes there was no end below. Nor was there an end to the lip or the darkness around me. It was a void. There was no heat or lava just a harmonic hum and an specific odor that I didn't recognize. I remember thinking "I don't ever recall smelling anything in a dream". The smell, I could actually taste. Like after a thunder storm. . .that crisp but refreshed smell. Almost like the smell of an ozone machine but crisper. The edge of the glow expanse curved out of view endlessly making me realize or "know" there was no end to it. It wasn't the mouth of a volcano, it was obviously too expansive, but it did bend. I wasn't frightened. I wasn't confused either. In fact I was at the greatest peace I've ever known. My feet 3/4 of the way over the edge, without any hesitation, a bright light-shaped ball or mass appeared before me. It seemed just out of reach although I didn't try. Like a giant ball of light swirling into itself, rotating in nearly every direction. Highlighted by blue streaks, it wasn't perfectly round. It appeared almost jagged and occasionally squeezed into almost a thick doughnut shape structure of pure energy. When this happened I could see what appeared to be a center of whirlpool for lack of better terms where it all seemed to merge. In the center it was a darker blue/black center. Everything seemed to go there and disappear with streaks of light blue indicating direction. As I focused on this center, it began to distort and glow brighter with streaks of blue that began to outline the shape of a face emerging. The mass of light increased in brightness continually but yet it didn't make me squint or shield my eyes. It made me feel better and more peaceful as it grew in intensity. As the light intensified, so did the harmony and vibration of it.
Suddenly there was a face that was definitive and energized. The face of an older man, weathered in appearance. The face ONLY appeared and consumed the mass of light. The high point and low points of detail expressed in tones of light. High points were more blueish. His hair was longer and had gentle waves not tight but rolling down past what I assumed were shoulders but unseen. He looked somewhat familiar or rather, felt familiar. There was a burst or vibration from him that I could feel down to the very core of my body that was the most comfort I have ever felt. Like a summer breeze in your face without a care in the world. I no longer felt physical pain as in my awake state, which had been intense. It was just peace unlike any I had ever experienced. He had no facial hair to speak of but the weathered look of his face was clearly defined with the tones of the light.
THEN THERE WERE WORDS! There was no speaking as the figure's lips never moved, nor did mine. But there were words. It was a question. “Are you ready?" It was vague but decisive and I felt no ambiguity in its meaning. I replied but yet my lips didn't move and I have no memory of actually speaking. But this was the reply: I simply said “no, I'm not ready yet." This in and of itself was odd because I had already given up and was ready to die in my awake state of mind and body. Evidently not. Then more words. “There is something important you still need to do” and at the same time I “felt” these words, a smile began to form on the man's face and more rays of light began to shoot out of nearly every part of his face. I reached for his face, unafraid but exploring. Just without thought, I reached for his face and placed my hands on his cheek. I had originally thought he would have been well out of my reach, suspended over the expanse, but he wasn't. I realized the red...pink...orange..peach-colored glow was gone and all that remained was the white radiant light from the orb continually increasing in brightness and hum.
I reached out slowly and deliberately and touched his cheek. My body vibrated and the light grew again in intensity and brightness as his smile expanded. Brighter than the sun but not yellow~pure white~this touch lasted for what seemed like forever but yet quick. It is hard to find words to describe the sense of time I experienced. As the light became brighter, so did the hum and the vibration. His smile widened until it distorted the image of his face. I felt as if I was falling but hadn't moved. Suddenly there were valleys and mountains and streams and small specks of numerous people and animals in the expanse below me. It was a brief but complete vision of a peaceful place void of definable color but a great source of peace. The entire field of view became a white light. I felt weightless as it engulfed me. There was a sense of speed somehow as I felt what seemed like my body travelling at speeds blurring my view. Within seconds I awoke in my hospital bed. I was scared but yet peaceful. I remember thinking “volcano”.
I immediately assumed my encounter was a dream but yet somehow deep inside me knew it wasn't. Within minutes of this experience, I purposely and incessantly asked to see all of my doctors at the same time and without effort it happened. There were exactly twelve of them. I asked each to speak their mind and explain “my options” and “chances”. Each did with fluent quick responses and I looked in the eyes of each as they spoke. I was focused and attentive. I felt things coming from each of them it seemed, but I could not understand it all. They all looked at me oddly as if wondering where all my control had suddenly come from considering the nearly comatose state I had been in since my arrival. I spoke to them as a group and told them I had to live. I told them specifically that there “was something important I was supposed to do” and this day marked the beginning of life-saving treatment that would take nearly three years.
There were several hurdles in those three years, including a two month stint in hospice when I miraculously got better, which is still unexplained by my doctors. What I had recognized in my daily struggles was that there were distinct differences in my character and habits and viewpoints along the way. I just assumed I was grateful to be alive but I documented the strange changes in personality as I recognized them. In retrospect the list grew to nearly 15 pages of changes. And it has continued growing to this day.
Around Christmas of 2013 (close to the three year point) I neared what appeared to be the end of my battle, I received a calender as usual at Christmas from my mother with several pictures on it she had made. It was a ritual in my family to get this calender every Christmas from Mom. We all look forward to it and it is a staple of each of our homes all year, without fail. We all fought for “the cover”as we call it, and it's been a tradition and passion for Mom for some time now. By the way, we still jokingly jockey for the cover photo each and every year. lol.... As I scanned the calender I came across a picture of a man. I was instantly weakened and literally fell back in my seat. I was stunned and left breathless. That man on that calender was the same face in the giant mass of light I had experienced at death's door in my “dream”. The same face but I still didn't know who it was. Once I could muster the question, I was told it was my Grandfather. He had died in 1956, well before my birth and as a result had never been a part of my life in stories or in photos. There was no possible way I could recognize this man, as I had never even seen a picture of him, nor had any direct knowledge of his life or character previously.
This was the day I realized that my “dream” was directly influenced by someone already departed. In the next few months I discovered the near-death experience (NDE) and its history in our society. I was never a believer in these events as perceptual prejudice dictated otherwise. Although it was clear to me at this point that my “dream” was a near-death experience.
But I hadn't actually died, or had I? Well, this is where the world changed once again for me. Spontaneously, I couldn't get enough information and still have an insatiable desire for learning. Theories of things pop into my mind on topics I previously never cared about. Oddly I couldn't and still can't read others' NDE stories. What I was insatiable about was the recorded and well-documented and researched “aftereffects”. I compared my recorded aftereffects to several lists developed by researchers and scientists. As you can imagine, the changes I documented were exactly the same as millions of near-death experiencers around the world. Almost exactly the same. This realization happened almost 3 years from the actual event...exactly the time frame recorded in research as the time frame the majority of near-death experiencers go through until their “awakening” or realization of the event and acceptance of the same. Without trying, I had evolved to a higher consciousness. I had changed.
Just like the others had, and in exactly the same time frame .I had assumed you had to die to have these experiences and had heard about such experiences. Come to find out, you don't have to actually die to have a NDE...its a “near” death experience. I previously wrote them off to some metabolic brain malfunction at the time of death, I guess. Death's illusion. I was not a believer. I am now, obviously. The NDE is different for each of us. They are not all typical. But the aftereffects and brain shift and timing are identical. You can't ignore each experience and rationalize it any way you want. But you can't ignore millions of people who change spontaneously after a moment like this. It's hard for us to change anything about ourselves, let alone major shifts in personality. That's just unexplained for most, but not for us. Since my awakening... I research. I read and learn, and learn and read. It's not all NDE stuff. Very little is, in fact. It's things like quantum physics, science. I have theories that I don't ask for on topics I should care nothing about that pop into my head a hundred times a day. Sixth senses that took me some time in seclusion to control and understand. Epiphanies of life’s greatest questions and some questions I never even considered. Sometimes they flow with such ease that I often just burst into laughter. Most importantly a love for others I simply can't ignore. Then there's the “calling”. We all experience the same calling: To better mankind in some way.
In fact it seems this is the only question I can't answer in life is the one thing said in my NDE. I am “supposed to do something important.” This remains the carrot I chase, and I am perfectly OK with it. I have found that the path of life is easy when you understand that everyone and everything along it is not for a reason, but a purpose. EVERYTHING...It's free will that allows me to choose what I pay attention to. That there is a “oneness” to the universe. A single common component to everything and every person. Right down to each atom. Its energy. The foundations of the universe and the epiphanies I see every day are too numerous and mind numbing to go into. I just “know” things now and I don't ask or seek it. The "knowing" just comes to me. I am not alone with this; it happens to most all of us who go through an NDE.. the question still remains: What do I do with it? I have a pretty good idea. I will write and share and find peace in the fact that change is up to the individual...their free will...and it's yours to choose. But I will share it. What you do with it is up to you.
But I do realize the fact that my guide through my NDE was a family member with a message. . .a message for many in my family. The fact it was someone I never knew due to death is not the message. The fact that I didn't know that branch of my family well IS the message. The division in some limbs of my family tree have withered and I know why. I also know someone wants it changed. I do not take this responsibility on myself. They will take it from here. And yes there are others. But one of my callings was to share it with my family and others. I have learned that love can do many things.
The love and commitment from my living family got me here today. I learned that love from family past showed me the light of that love and beyond from beyond. The experience changed me greatly and I researched my theories on change. One thing was clear, change doesn't happen yesterday. It's about forgiveness; they showed me that too. I will share them as I go. There are too many things to talk about regarding lessons from beyond. I will share them at the reunion, and from there I will depart for parts west. If you attach a new idea to great emotion, just maybe it impacts people and causes similar brain shifts. At a minimum it provokes thought for others. I will post the research material next that discuss the “aftereffects” next ... I hope you enjoyed one of the most humbling experiences of my life. It takes a lot to bleed all over these pages in the manner I just did. I pray perceptional prejudice doesn't interfere with the quality of what you learn here. I pray you apply it to your own families. It's never to late to make a change in family. One clear thing about family you can take from me is this: In the “end” its all about family....Today I am cancer free with the rest of my life ahead of me. I understand the flow of life and the universe and think it's funny actually how easy it really is. I have no fear of death as do all of us experiencers. I also realize one irrefutable thing to be true: There is always life. Even after death. The energy goes somewhere. It goes everywhere. But that very energy that powered the person in life is the same energy that seeps into our very mind daily. We miss them but they are right here all the time. There is always life. Don't waste a minute....NOT ONE SINGLE MINUTE OF LIFE...