Knowing and Feeling
I was having quite a difficult time with the sudden loss of an old boyfriend, a very dear friend. As hard as I tried, I just couldn't shake loose of the grief; it consumed me at every waking hour. One afternoon, in trying to escape my grief, I took to my bed for a nap. The following is what occurred during my slumber. I awoke in a dream like state, but it was more "real" than a dream. In the distance was a very large tree, with beautiful fields of green rolling beyond. But my focus remained on the tree, and thus, is what held my focus of attention to the scene. Donny, my dear friend, appeared out of nowhere and with great excitement and encouraged me to follow him. I would like to add here that he looked WONDERFUL and was clothed in his usual attire. And, he was just so very excited to see me!
The next thing I knew, we were flying through the tree. It was so much fun! I was flying slightly behind and to the right of him, with my head very close to his right hip. I just remember going so fast and being so fluid in our movement. He kept looking back at me with a huge smile on his face saying, "Isn't this fun?" The inside of the tree had bark on the walls, but it was hollowed out and there was space for us to fly throughout. It was almost like a maze. It was HUGE! There was also many other people/entities in this tree that we were flying around in. But I didn't see any faces or details of the people. I just had a knowing that they were there and flying about as well.
The entire time I was wondering why I was there with Donny. I had the feeling that I really shouldn't be there with him and was perplexed at being so. As I grew a bit more anxious, Donny asked me to stay with him. At this point I felt a bit confused because I DID want to stay, but knew I couldn't. I told him that I couldn't stay and that I had to go. I felt Donny's disappointment and confusion about my not being able to stay, but then he returned to his playful adventure in the tree. I abruptly awoke from my sleep.
I would like to add that at no time did we communicate orally. Thought and emotion were all tied together and it was this stream, if you will, of knowing and feeling all at the same time. I can't explain it very well. I am sorry for that because it was just so perfect. As well, I have failed at describing the experience. It was so magical and so wonderful to feel Donny and all that he is. I had never felt so close to him as I did in that dream. I could feel the essence of who he is. All of these years later, I still miss him and love him so much. However, the grief left me upon my awakening from the dream. And in place of that grief was abundant love. Yes, I do still miss and love Donny, but I know that I will see him again and we will make an adventure of it!
One last thing that I would like to add here. Donny would always upset me when he would tell me, with sincerity, that he would never live to celebrate his 24th birthday. He died when he was 22.